I've had a couple friends reach out to me in the past week and ask me how I am doing. Like, how am I really doing? And my answer for some reason remains the same. I am actually good. Perhaps if I look back as to where I was just one short (or long!) year ago, it will be made even a little more clear as to why I feel this way. Last year for Thanksgiving, our family of 4 (myself, my husband at the time, our 2 year old and our 4 month old baby) went to Michigan to spend the weekend with my family. We had agreed to rotate holidays, so my family would get us for Thanksgiving and then my inlaws would have us for Christmas. And the following year it would flip. I remember very vividly that my then husband, now Ex was rather tense that weekend. He seemed extra cranky and irritable. I assumed this was related to work. He had enormous pressure on him because he was just within reach of hitting his first sales contest. This was going to be a significant win for our family if he reached this goal. Of course there would be a large financial benefit to him achieving this, but also, I felt professionally my then husband now Ex needed this validation. He had been a career changer who was desperate to succeed. I did everything I could to support him during this time, so I felt that his win was truly our win. I remember specifically though, on Thanksgiving, he was in a particularly foul mood. On Thanksgiving. The day where you have nothing to do but sleep in, watch football and eat. I told him I really wanted to get a picture of our family that day. Anyone who has been following my blog knows that I loved pictures. So, would it seem like that was a big thing to ask your partner for? Just to pose and smile? Well, he was damn near furious at this request. And as my parents were taking the actual shot and our kids were squirming and crying, he turned to me and under his breath said:
I'm going to murder you.
Yes. That is what my then husband, now Ex said to me on Thanksgiving of all days. To be clear, this was not how my then husband, now Ex typically treated me. He did have a tendency to fly off the handle a little, but not to that degree. I would not have married someone who spoke to me in such a way. I knew he had been stressed. I knew he was allergic to my parents cat and couldn't breath when he was at their house and then he had to take medicine which made him cranky and drowsy. I knew what was on the line at work and how he wanted to provide for our family. But come on. I'm going to murder you? I pulled him aside and asked him what was wrong. I felt hurt that he would speak to me in such a way on Thanksgiving of all days. I was his wife. What was his problem? And he apologized. He used all the reasons I have already mentioned as to why his fuse was extra short that day. It was the very following week that he told me officially he was unhappy in our marriage.
So coming back to present day. You may wonder, how am I doing. How am I really doing? Well, I think about that moment just a year ago and how that was the person I was with. I didn't deserve that. And he didn't deserve me. I had been through a lot in the past year. A LOT. But I could say whole heartedly, as Thanksgiving drew closer, I had so very much to be thankful for.
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