246 : Fresh Start

For many months now, I'd been wanting to redo my bedroom.  It was like a college room and it had been for years.  Mix matched furniture and an old school bed frame that still squeaked when you rolled over at night.  I wanted an adult room.  I had hoped my Ex and I would invest in a nice bedroom furniture set.  That was the next big thing on my list.  The next big thing for him was a divorce.  It's too bad we couldn't have used that divorce money towards furniture because it would've been quite a nice set!  But I digress.  The divorce happened for a reason as I've spent the past year realizing and I was now ready to create the room I alone had always wanted.  I had held off all this time because I was worried about spending the money.  The divorce had certainly eaten into my savings and had left me feeling a little more strapped than I liked.  But I didn't have debt so I had that going for me.  And then during the holidays, I received an email one day that West Elm was having an incredible sale and I felt obligated to look at their site.  Sure enough, there was a bed frame that I wanted immediately and a duvet cover and a new sheet set.  I had waited long enough.  It was time.  I pretty much just bought the entire room pictured on their site.  The rest of the furniture would come, I was only going to start with the bedding and the new frame, but it was enough.  I was so excited.  It would be all new.  All mine.  And just in time for the new year.  I could not wait for everything to arrive.

245 : It's My Mess

I'm typically a very clean person.  I like my home in order.  I like things put away.  Okay, I'm not always the best with laundry- I will wash and fold my clothes but I hate putting laundry away.  So often, the clothes sit in stacks on my dresser for almost a week.  That aside though, I like things clean.  When I go to bed at night, the kitchen is clean.  I do this because I hate waking up to a mess.  Whenever I make a meal, I eat it and then I clean up the kitchen.  I'm also very good at cleaning while I'm cooking or baking so there is less to do at the end.  The other night though, I made myself dinner and then I did the craziest thing.  I just left the dishes in the sink.  The dishwasher was full and clean but I didn't feel like unloading it at the moment.  So I just left them there.  Now granted, I still rinsed them out and had them neatly stacked in the sink, but I left them just the same.  I woke up the next morning and saw the dishes sitting there and felt completely liberated.  My kids were gone.  The house was mine and it was MY mess.  Not his.  Mine.  Now my Ex had been pretty good about cleaning up for us or cleaning up after himself, but he wasn't perfect (who was?).  On occasion he'd leave his dirty dishes in the sink.  It was annoying.  I'd wake up to a clean kitchen and then spot his dishes with dried food crusted to them just sitting in the sink.  Why he couldn't just go that one extra step and put them in the dishwasher was beyond me.  It was totally different though to have my own mess.  I knew I'd get around to unloading the dishwasher at some point and putting my dirty dishes away. But it wouldn't be today.  In fact, I'd let them sit there for a good 24 hours.  I could do this.  It wouldn't become a habit by any means, but there was something that just felt right about it.  Even the tiniest of shifts, made me feel like I was taking my life back.  Messy or not, I loved it.

244 : My Time

My boys left yesterday with their dad to celebrate Christmas.  They would be gone for 5 days.  5 Days!  I had known the plan and schedule for a while now, but it didn't really register until they left.  And fortunately, I didn't feel the least bit sad to see them go.  Don't get me wrong, I always missed them when they left but I was learning to truly appreciate the time I had.  I had just enjoyed a wonderful week in Michigan with my family and my kids.  I was ready to have a little time for myself.  And what a perfect week for them to go, too.  It was right on the cusp of the new year.  Upon returning to Chicago, I unloaded my car in about 6 trips and found my home bursting with stuff.  Toys.  Holiday Decor.  Laundry.  Just stuff.  I was able to have some time to get my home and life back in order.  I was still fighting a cold, so I was able to rest.  I didn't have to rush to complete anything like the typical 24 hour weekend away because I had 5 days!  It had taken me a long time to get here.  But I was grateful I could now appreciate this extra time.

243 : Write It Down

I'm going to share an article that someone forwarded to me from the Huffington Post just about a year ago.  I have read it multiple times since first receiving it, and yet I have still not taken the time to write anything down.  I'm going to do it.  This week.  With the new year just around the corner, I think the timing is perfect.  Enjoy.


Like A Phoenix

Magda Pecsenye - ASKMOXIE.ORG

Here's some hope for 2013 for those of you who are getting divorced because your former partner left:

Just because it wasn't your choice to end the marriage doesn't mean you don't have any choice now.

You can choose to grieve for what you thought you were going to have, for as long as it takes, and then find closure.

You can choose to let go of someone who didn't see your true value.

You can choose to bring the good with you, and leave the bad back in that marriage you thought was forever that turned out not to be.

You can choose to find a good therapist and explore how you can move forward. You can choose to read Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want to figure out how to give yourself what you need. (It's as excellent a guide for individuals as it is for couples.)

You can choose to rise from the ashes and create a new life for yourself.

You can choose to model self-love and confidence and hope for your children.

You can choose to bet on yourself.

Right now, write down on a piece of paper -- a Post-It, the back of an envelope, a clean fresh sheet -- your most hopeful, optimistic, crazy unrealistic fantasy of what your life looks like two years from today.

You can have that. You can have whatever life you create. This is your chance.

How are you going to start?

242 : I'm Still Somebody's Baby

On Christmas morning, I was walking down the stairs carrying my youngest and I slipped on the carpet.  I fell down and skidded past a couple stairs.  It hurt immediately although I couldn't identify exactly where.  My parents were right there, helping me up and getting me IB Profen (which for the record, is a staple in our family).  Both of my children woke up that same morning with nasty colds.  Their noses were running constantly, and the oldest one had a horrible cough.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I too was plagued with this.  It was impossible to avoid when my 3 year old was grabbing my toothbrush, eating off my plate or drinking out of my water glass.  And sure enough, the day after Christmas I woke up even more sore from my fall and feeling a bit under the weather.  My throat was sore.  My nose, stuffy.  I had been hit just like my kids.  All I wanted to do was lay around.  But my son was in desperate need of medicine and we had just ran out.  And my car really needed an oil change before I headed back to Chicago.  I started moving slowly to get ready for the store and my mom told me my dad had already taken care of my car.  I was so thankful and relieved at the same time.  I ran to the store to get my son more medicine and then went immediately to the couch.  I apologized to my mom- I really didn't feel good, but I felt bad just laying around.  She not only wanted me to get better, she encouraged me to rest.  So I was on the couch most of the morning and napped all afternoon.  Yes, even at 37, I was still somebody's baby.  And no matter how old I was, I still needed my parents.  Perhaps I had relied on them a little more in the past year than I had in others, but I would always need them.  And I was thankful that they were still there to help take care of me.

241 : Utilize Your Resources

On the night of Christmas Eve, we gathered together with our extended family to mark the occasion.  It was the first time I had seen much of my extended family since my divorce.  In fact, the last time I had seen most of them was just the year before for Thanksgiving when I was still a family of 4.  I had already broken my silence (see post #168) but it was nice to have the initial in person meeting as well.  Out of respect for me, there wasn't much said in direct relation to my situation, however I did receive some extra long hugs.  I was happy to see everyone, but was extra thankful for one person in particular.  My Aunt.  She too was divorced and a mother.  Her situation was different than that of my own, but she had proven to be an excellent example of the type of person I wanted to be in this situation.  She had raised her kids with her traditional values of faith, family, unconditional love and selflessness.  She was also incredibly generous when it came to her Ex.  She never spoke poorly of him in front of her children.  She encouraged them to have a relationship with their father.  She took the high road.  Always.  I had known this about my aunt growing up but I never quite understood what that meant.  And now that I was in a situation of my own, I had even greater respect for how she had carried herself during and after her divorce.  I was able to talk with her that night about my own struggles in dealing with my Ex.  I explained how it was still hard for me to see my boys gush over their father when I could see him for who he really was.  In fact, it actually hurt me on occasion.  I knew that wasn't right, but I also knew that if anyone would understand this feeling, it would be my aunt.  It was then that she shared with me some advice that was given to her many years ago when she first found herself in this situation.  She told me that my rewards would come, but they would not arrive for a good 10-15 years.  My Ex, though, would reap the benefits immediately.   Since he had less time with them he would always appear to be more special.  He may even turn out to be a 'Disneyland Dad' where he would show big bursts of excitement upon seeing them, offer grand gestures and gifts.  She told me to just stand back and let it all happen.  My children were young, but they would see through this.  In the end, they would know what was genuine and what was not.  They would know who was there for them.  They would know who loved them unconditionally and who acted selflessly.  She assured me that it did take time, but her kids eventually saw things clearly.  She told me that it was important to allow them to have that relationship with their dad because if it was ever strained she could say with clear conscious it had nothing to do with her.  She had always been supportive of that.  I knew she was right.  I had been telling myself this for months now and others had been telling me the same.  But to see someone who had actually lived through it just made the words all the more powerful.  My aunt also expressed to me a previous concern of hers that her kids would be apprehensive to getting married or having kids.  This wasn't the case, though. In fact, the divorce only helped shape her kids for the type of lives and parents they wanted to be.  It was all positive.  Sure, there were downsides to all of this too, but I didn't need to be reminded of them.  It was just so nice to hear that I was doing everything right and if I just kept going down this road, it would all be okay.  Eventually.

240 : Feel Peace

Merry Christmas!  It was officially a white Christmas where I was.  And I had spent several days with my family feeling the happiness and spirit of Christmas (see post #239).  It was amazing to me how this holiday was so very different than the one just one year ago.  Last year, my Ex had just told me a couple weeks before Christmas that he was unhappy in our marriage.  We went to his parent's house for the holidays as planned, but something was incredibly off.  I'm not sure if I was denial as to what was really happening, but I have never felt so alone in my life as I did that Christmas.  I wanted so desperately for my Ex to snap out of whatever was troubling him and to acknowledge we were in this together.  He had told me just a few days before we left that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore.  Gulp.  Okay.  I asked him if he even knew what it was about me that he fell in love with to begin with?  He said he didn't know.  Yes, that was the very dark world I was living in just one year ago.  I thought there was something I could do to fix the situation.  And so I tried to pull off what I felt was a very romantic gesture.  I had some letters we had written to each other prior to getting married.  Since he could no longer recall why he fell in love with me, I thought I would let him read his own words and then read my words to him.  I put the letters in a card for him as my Christmas gift.  I was naive.  I thought this act would open something in his heart that had somehow been blocked, but I could not have been more wrong.  Not only did it not change anything, my Ex didn't even read them.  I had spent time tracking down the letters and the perfect card for them to go in.  And he couldn't even be bothered to read them.  Last Christmas was pretty much one of the darkest days of my life.  And now a year later.  I was home with my parents and my boys.  I had just enjoyed the days leading up to Christmas surrounded by family.  I felt loved.  Unconditional, endless, heart bursting love.  My parents stayed up with me on Christmas Eve until nearly 1am assembling a very complex kitchen set that Santa had delivered.  There were far too many pieces for one to begin assembling at 10pm, but we did it.  There was no fighting.  No swearing.  Not even tension.  We put it together and then snapped some pics of our job well done.  Oh the clarity in just knowing how that would've gone down had a certain someone still been in my life.  I'm not going to say that 1 year was all it took to heal my heart from a divorce.  I knew that wasn't necessarily true.  I knew I was healing though.  I knew I had gotten better over the past year and I would only continue to do so.  And I knew that today of all days- a day that would always have a little bit of a negative association for me somewhere in the back of my mind- that today I felt peace.  I didn't know how I would feel tomorrow.  But today... I felt peace.  And that was by far the greatest gift I could ever receive for Christmas.

239 : Find Happiness and the Christmas Spirit

Once upon a time, many years ago, I was a bratty young teenager with a jerky teenage brother.  We had spent the entire holiday season bickering- which seems rather funny to me now because our relationship was nothing like that these days.  I have no idea what we would even fight over, but we were young and selfish and bratty and jerky.  My dad broke down one night that he was tired of all the arguing and wanted to see 'some Christmas spirit' around the house.  And then later that week I went out to my car and there was a little note waiting for me.

Happiness and Christmas Spirit is filling your daughter's empty gas tank on a cold winter's morning.

Love,

Dad

It was the simplest of gestures, but one that I definitely appreciated at the time.  And it was a reminder to me, one that I've obviously held onto- of what Christmas was really about. It wasn't about how many presents or the cost or the size of them.  It was truly the thought that counted.  It was about family.  It was about being thankful for what you had and for giving to those less fortunate. And even all these years later, I remember that simple act and how it embodied the spirit of Christmas. It was this spirit that I valued so much in my parents.  Their generosity continued to amaze me daily.  The time and attention they gave to my kids was far greater than any present they could ever ask for.  And it didn't just end with me.  I could see this in how they treated all their kids, grandkids and extended family.  It was actually quite contagious.  I had expected my first Christmas post-divorce to feel a little bittersweet, but it was nothing of the sort.  It was only filled with happiness and the Christmas spirit.  

238 : Start a Family Compound

Yesterday might have possibly been the greatest day of my year so far.  I woke up at my parents house around 9:30am (8:30am central time) and my oldest son was still asleep cuddled into me.  Let's stop and reflect on that for just a minute.  Awesome.  I slipped out of bed and tiptoed downstairs only to learn my parents had lost power in the night.  My mom was packing up, we were going to head over to my sister's until the power came back on.  But who knew when that would be?  We planned for the worst case scenario and loaded up all the food for lunch and dinner.  I had slept in my lulu lemons and thought it would make the most sense to just stay in those clothes- it was family after all.  My boys would stay in their pjs, too- I packed a small bag with their snow pants, diapers and a change of clothes just in case.  We loaded the 2 cars and headed over to my sisters- my mom, dad, grandma, aunt, her boyfriend, myself and my two boys.  We ended up spending the entire day- and night- at my sisters.  We got there and leisurely made coffee.  And then Bloody Marys.  And then lunch.  And then went out in the back yard and played around in the snow for what seemed like 2 hours.  There were card games.  And holiday movies.  And football.  And then the preparation of dinner (still in my pjs!) and the pouring of wine.  My brother in law at one point ran to the store to pick up a few things.  Truth be told, he may have needed an escape plan, which was okay- it was literally like Home Alone in their house.  I thought about what my Ex would have been like in this situation and immediately felt relieved that he was no longer in my life.  It was a great day- no place to be, nothing to do, no stress.  Who cared if my youngest normally napped during the day and he refused to nap?  And what did it matter if my oldest wanted to take off the cute outfit I had packed him to instead run around in his underwear?  I loved my family and was so thankful that I had not a care in the world.  It truly was a Christmas Vacation.

237 : Where There's a Will...

Last year, when I was married, my then husband and I had talked about taking our son skiing for the first time.  He was only 2, but we wanted to start him young.  My Ex had skied much of his life and was good.  I had learned in my 20s and was only decent.  But I still tried to go at least once every year and I enjoyed doing it.  Of course, we never did get our son on skis that year because December was when my then husband told me he was unhappy.  January was when he moved out and February was when he filed for divorce.  I was unable to take my son that year because I was focusing primarily on just getting through the day (see post #2).  And now another winter season was upon us and I wanted to attempt to take my son.  I was nervous, however, that I wouldn't be able to do this on my own.  This was something that I worried about across the board with my kids as far as activities were concerned.  How was it physically possible to have both of my boys in swim lessons with only one of me?  It wasn't.  How could I teach my boys to ski?  Well, I wasn't sure if I could but I wanted to try.  My youngest, of course, was too young to participate this year and fortunately for me, Nana was available to watch him.  So my oldest and I planned to go with my sister and her family to the mountain.  Unfortunately, we had an ice storm working against us the day before, so I wasn't sure if we would even be able to go.  But after checking, it turned out the ski grounds would be open that day so off we went. Now as I mentioned before, I wasn't the best skier - I had heart, but not necessarily skill.  I considered a lesson for my son, but was talked out of it by my sister.  We could do it ourselves, right?  Well...kind of.  I tried.  But after a couple spills early on (yes- I actually slipped on the magic carpet) I conceded and asked one of the instructors nearby if she wanted to help with a lesson.   She graciously agreed.  With her help we were able to get up the magic carpet successfully and ski all the way down the hill.  Twice!  It wasn't the same as how I had originally envisioned this happening, but we had done it.  Even after a year, I was still surprising myself with what I could accomplish.  I was proud of my son for what he had done that day.  I was proud of us both.

236 : It Happens

My nanny shared a story with me the other day that made my heart melt.  She was with my children and my 3 year old initiated a rather interesting conversation.  He asked her if she knew that his daddy didn't live there anymore?  And before she could even acknowledge this statement he said:

It happens.  No big deal.

These two phrases were a constant in his life right now.  They seemed to accompany every little accident be it a spill on the floor or a bathroom mishap.  He would say those words and look into my eyes for reassurance that it was all okay.  It nearly broke my heart to hear that my son could take such a huge life altering situation like divorce and speak of it so simply.  I guess it left me feeling thankful though that all of this was happening now at such a young age.  He would probably never know the difference.  And his brother most certainly wouldn't know.  Our story had been a sad one, yes, but they were young and resilient.  It was true, too.  Divorce did happen.  And it was kind of a big deal, but for him to think otherwise only gave me more reassurance that we had handled it all appropriately thus far.  If there was any message from him to take out of all of this, that might have just been the best one.

235 : In Someone Else's Words

A good friend forwarded me an email the other week that I wanted to share.  It was from Kathy Freston's The Daily Lean sent out on December 12 of this year.  It requires no further explanation.

Today's Lean: Feel It, But Don't Let It Define You
You can feel whatever negative emotion that comes up without letting it define your future. For instance, you can feel hurt by someone’s criticism without concluding that you’ll never be good enough. You can be rejected without determining that your future prospects are dim. You can be enraged at someone’s cruelty or insensitivity without letting it harden you to humankind. You can suffer humiliation without making your mind up that it’s never safe to take a risk.

Pain should inform you rather than define you. Feel whatever anguish arises, and let it teach you how strong/vulnerable/sensitive/resilient you are. Let it show you where you need to grow, how to choose better and differently. The goal is always to deepen and expand, so if you feel yourself contracting from an injurious experience, let it be temporary before you push out and explore again. Refuse to be stopped.

234 : A Little More than Clean Teeth

I had my 6 month dental check up today.  I hated going to the dentist.  I can say that openly because my hygienist knew this.  She (and the practice) had done everything they could to make their patients feel comfortable and welcome in their office.  And I mean everything.  They had music you could listen to.  They offered paraffin treatments for their patients.  But what I'd always enjoyed the most was just talking with my hygienist, Jean.  She was the best.  I'd  been seeing her for at least 10 years, if not longer.  She had that wonderful way of listening to your life situation, providing thoughtful insight and walking away leaving you feeling better for having discussed anything.  Or at least that was how it had always been.  I only saw her every six months so it seemed that a lot had changed every time I saw her.  When I got pregnant with my 2nd child in December of 2011 and fell asleep during my appointment,  I told her I was tired from my first son and working (which was probably also the truth!)  And then I went back to see her in June and I was 8 months pregnant.  I was back again 6 months later in December of 2012 - 1 week or so after my husband had told me he was unhappy.  I didn't speak a word of this at the time because I was still processing it all myself.  And then the following June for my next check up, I was in the midst of a full on divorce.  This poor hygienist loved me and was so sad to hear of my situation.  What did this say about me?  Even my hygienist got it, dammit!  And then only 6 months later brought us to the present and life had seemed to move forward significantly since that last appointment.  I walked in and Jean started to tell me about another client of hers who was in a very similar situation.  Her husband had just told her at Thanksgiving that he no longer wanted to be married.  Jean being the awesome south sider that she was expressed her disgust for said husband as only she could.  She then told me how she had told her client that sadly, she was not her first client who had recently been through this.  Jean was talking about me (of course!) but was professional enough to keep names out of it.   Apparently though, in hearing my story the woman was comforted- so much to the fact that she thought Jean was making me up.  I was thankful I could provide some reassurance during this difficult time and told Jean she could definitely give my name out to her other client.  In fact, before leaving I passed along my blog address.  I couldn't imagine being back at square one and starting this journey all over again.  But I didn't have to.  I had effectively communicated through the blog along the way, so hopefully it would be of benefit to someone else in a difficult spot.  I reminded Jean as I walked out:

Tell her it's get's easier.  Trust me.  It gets easier.

233 : Feel What You Feel

I woke up yesterday in a good mood.  I was greeted by my son before my alarm went off (he was laying next to me) but not too much earlier than when I needed to get up.  I got a nice stretch in and enjoyed a morning hug all before climbing out of bed.  I brewed my favorite hazelnut coffee and added my delicious hazelnut creamer to sip on while getting ready.  My hair still looked good from the day before so it didn't take me long to get ready and while I did, my son sat attentively to Curious George the entire time.  I had to go into my son's room twice where my younger son was sleeping and yet he didn't wake up either time.  We made it out of the house ON TIME dressed, lunch packed, coffee in a to go mug, my son ready for school with an extra pair of shoes packed to change into from his boots.  I had even avoided the temptation of cinnamon rolls my dad had sent back with me the other week knowing oatmeal was better for me.  My seat warmer kept me cozy the entire drive in and I was cruising to the Charlie Brown Christmas album.  No complaints.  And then I remembered that my Ex was supposed to transfer money to cover his portion of the school payment the other day.  And I had never received the payment.  I had already reached out to him twice about it and now I would have to be the one to reach out yet a third time to inquire on the status.  I don't know what made me more angry - the fact that he hadn't sent the money yet, or the fact that he hadn't bothered to update me on the status.  Then I started to think about the striped henley shirt that I had recently purchased for my older son to match the one my younger son had and how it had been packed to go with my Ex over Thanksgiving and had never been returned.  I had reached out to him and asked him to please locate and return it on more than one occasion because I had JUST purchased it and I wanted the boys to be able to wear their matching shirts over the holidays.  He assured me this would not be a problem and then still over the past weekend when he had the boys, he did not return the shirt.  I started to feel anger.  Deep, deep anger.  Not to be confused with sadness, depression or the feeling of being hurt.  Nope.  Clearly it was anger I was feeling.  I started to think about what my Ex had put me through in the past year.  Why do this to myself, I know.  Why go there?  Well, I was better than this 9 times out of 10, but today for some reason I was really angry and so I let myself linger in that emotion for a bit longer.  I thought about how he had told me in couples therapy almost a year ago how I had not been a thoughtful person.  In retrospect I know now that he had already checked out and was just doing therapy to say he had tried.  He made this comment to me in a desperate attempt to explain why it was over.  That comment explained nothing though because was that it was cruel and untrue.  This really infuriated me.  I had my flaws, no doubt, but I was a very thoughtful person.  I wasn't trying to conjure up these feelings, but something was brewing inside of me and I couldn't stop what was happening.  He had flipped my world upside down.  And now he was just living with some chic that he used to work with and his family didn't even seem to acknowledge that this was in any way abnormal.  I, on the other hand, was just living with our kids and raising them for the most part alone.  I was very angry with him.  I will say that again.  I was very angry with him (props to anyone who can identify what movie that is from).
I knew a year had passed.  I new I had made significant progress.  I also knew though that this season represented when all of this had started just a year ago, so even though I was okay, I was still reminded of things I hadn't found resolution with yet.  I knew that I wouldn't dwell in this place forever but I deserved to feel whatever I was feeling at that moment and I wouldn't deny myself that.  I had been screwed over in the worst kind of way.  Yet I had still taken control of the situation in the best possible way.  This was something to be proud of.  I focused on that part of it for a while and took a hot shower before going to bed.  Tomorrow was a new day.

232 : And the Support Continues

The other day, I received quite an unexpected package in the mail.  It was from my Ex Husband's aunt and uncle.  Oddly enough, I had never met them as they lived in another state.  However, over the past couple years, we formed a relationship communicating via email.  It started when we got engaged.  They were so thoughtful and good about reaching out.  There were showers and gifts and eventually a pregnancy with more showers and gifts. I had always been good about sending out pictures- his aunt certainly appreciated this.  Our communication had ceased over the past year- from my end, I didn't really know what to say and I wasn't even sure if they were aware of what was happening.  And then one day, the package.  I opened it up thinking it was probably a Christmas package for my kids and was surprised to see a single wrapped gift with a card addressed to me.  I opened the card first.  His aunt had been thinking about me daily.  She was shocked and saddened when she heard my Ex had wanted a divorce.  She felt like even though we had never met, she had emailed with me more in the past couple years than anyone else in the family and wanted to continue our relationship.  She let me know that they were there for me if I ever needed anything and I was always welcome to visit.  I was very surprised to receive such a letter and almost felt tears coming on as I read it.  Here was someone who I had never even met who could see the situation for what it was and was by my side for support.  I felt loved, understood and validated in that moment.  I opened the gift after reading the card and found a 2014 inspirational calendar.  Not a cheesy, religious type, but just an overall feel good, positive calendar.  It was so very thoughtful.  I was reminded once again that there were people in my court.  I felt blessed and thankful to feel the support.

231 : Read the Signs

Recently I attended a group meditation and reiki session.  I had received reiki one time previously (see post #194) but never in a group session.  This was not something I ever would have thought to do on my own.  I had a friend who was introducing me to these new energy healing techniques and let's face it - I could use all the good energy there was available to me.  And so I went.  We began with a guided meditation.  The host talked us through it and at the end she asked us what - if anything - we received from it.  I felt slightly unsure of what to say in front of everyone.  I had certainly felt at peace during the mediation, but couldn't say I had 'received' anything.  For the next segment, my friend and the host went around the room giving reiki to everyone.  I sat back, shut my eyes and shut my mind off.  My friend suggested we set our intentions before they began.  The new year was approaching.  It was time to start fresh.  I took this to heart.  I knew what I wanted for the new year.  I wanted to grow more comfortable in my new life.  I wanted to understand what direction I was going in.  I wanted to trust that my internal compass would work again one day.  I put these thoughts out there as my intentions and sat silently with my eyes shut waiting to received whatever good energy would come my way.  The final exercise was a card selection.  The host fanned the cards out in front of each of us and we selected one. My turn came and I drew my card.

ACCEPTANCE
Please help me accept that everything is going in the right direction.

Wow.  I could not think of a more appropriately matched card for me.  Especially at that moment.  I had just set my intentions (not out loud, just in my head) focused on direction.  It could've just been a strange coincidence but I took it to be a sign.  I was where I was supposed to be.

230 : He Will Figure it Out

There was a phrase that I found myself saying quite often as it related to my Ex Husband.  He Will Figure it Out.  No, I am not referring to how awesome I am and what a huge mistake he made (although that was true).  I am talking about how to guide him as it related to our kids.  Or rather not guide him.  Our kids were so young.  And his time with them was quite limited.  He didn't know all the nuances like I did living with them and seeing them on a daily basis.  At first when we separated, there was a big part of me that wanted to share every detail with him.  Not that my intention was to TELL him how to parent, but I did want to help him.  I worried that since our partnership had ended that he would not be as familiar with what they liked or needed.  But I realized this way of thinking would not be productive for any of us.  He no longer wanted my help and support (nor did he deserve it!).  I could tell my kids were happy when they were with him.  That's all that mattered.  I just had to surrender to the fact that they would be okay.  It would've made me crazy to think anything else.  He would figure it out.

229 : He Likes Me

I had been asked out recently.  The guy was a good guy and we had several things in common.  He had recently gotten divorced and had a young child.  I didn't know the details of his story, but there was certainly something to the situation that felt familiar.  I liked him as a person.  I found him to be very easy going and I felt comfortable around him.  But still there was something that made me feel nervous at the thought of going out with him. I said yes when I was asked (I was going to be OPEN this year, dammit!)  but I felt a little uncertain about it and I couldn't pinpoint why.  I had been on a date already (see post #178) and I felt nervous then as well.  It would be weird if I wasn't nervous, right?  I had been married.  I had been with the same person for the past 6 years.  New and different sounded exciting in theory but it was also a little scary and intimidating.  I spent more time than I should've trying to understand what it was that made me feel uncertain with this situation in particular.  And then finally it hit me.  We had a lot in common.  We were both recently divorced and had young children.  This made me feel comfortable at the thought of him.  But this did not mean that we were right for each other.  By no means did it mean we were wrong for each other, either - that was still to be determined.  I guess I just didn't want to confuse my comfort level with someone knowing my situation, for a real legitimate connection.  Perhaps it would turn into that.  Perhaps it wouldn't.  I didn't need to know now.  I had identified what I wanted to be mindful and I would do so.  The rest would be figured out when it needed to be.

229 : Most Wonderful Time of Year?

There is something about the song Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that has always given me a bittersweet feeling.  Perhaps it's how it's used in movies that I associate it with - I'm not sure.  It is sweet and beautiful and yet there is something a little sad about it all at the same time.  I remember hearing it last year and it brought tears to my eyes.  So much had changed in just a matter of weeks.  Now a year later, so much had changed once again- yet this time it was for the better.  I was truly proud of my personal growth over the past year.  I had come a long way.  And then the other night when I was leisurely walking around Target (see post #228) I heard that song playing throughout the store and a rush of sadness washed over me.  Surely I was entitled to a little pity party, right?  I was alone.  I was divorced.  The holidays were approaching.  And then I remembered a conversation with a friend earlier in the week.  Whomever coined this time as the 'most wonderful time of the year' was seriously an ad genius beyond our time (thanks Carrie!).  Most wonderful time of year?  It was FREEZING out.  And I mean freezing.  It was pitch black at 4 pm.  I walked to the train every morning bundled from head to toe, with my head cocked down to avoid any additional wind that would blow in the my face.  My lips were so chapped they cracked when I smiled.  And the colds.  My children and I were on like our 3rd cycle of colds that continued to work their way through our household one by one.  I was tired all the time.  I vowed every night to call a friend just to reach out and then once my kids got to bed, I just didn't have it in me to do one more thing.  I did like the holiday festivities, that I couldn't deny.  But the weather.  The change in the season.  That was what was bringing me down.  And yes, I'm sure my situation didn't help but I maintain that it wasn't the primary source.  As soon as I saw it for what it was, I instantly felt better.  Okay, so I was suffering a little from seasonal affective disorder.  I could get through this.  Hell, after what I had been through in the past year, I could get through anything.

228 : A Note to Myself

I'm so mad at myself tonight.  Another Wednesday come and gone with little to show for it.  I've preached before about making the most of your time.  Enjoying time to yourself.  Go workout.  I even got in a rather large spat with my Ex about needing this time.  And yet, tonight, I didn't even take advantage of it.  Wednesdays were always the night my Ex had the kids.  In the fall, spring and summer this was no big deal.  I would run errands, go to yoga, be outside, meet a friend for a drink.  But in the cold, dead of winter, I was a complete slug.  I had Christmas shopping to do tonight.  I had work I could've gotten ahead on.  I had blogs to write.  I had friends I could meet up with.  I even had a massage I could've scheduled.  But what did I do?  I killed time.  I window shopped without buying anything that I needed.  I went to Target with a list of a couple of legitimate things I needed for the holidays and had no luck.  And then I did the worst thing of all- I walked leisurely through the clothing aisles just trying to find something to purchase!  How was this in any way productive?  I knew better!?!  From here on out, I WILL make plans on Wednesday nights.  I will pack my yoga clothes every week, even when it's 1 degree outside and a windchill of 7 below.  I will push myself to do something for myself on those nights because not only do I need it, I deserve it.

227 : The Financial Tie that Binds Us

I envy those people that don't stress about money.  I think I have stressed about money for as long as I can remember.  I've never really had a problem with money - I work hard, I save.  But I always seem to have that overall worry that I won't have enough.  This dates back to long before I was married, before I even met my now Ex husband.  When I was married, this was always a point of stress within our relationship.  Not my stressing about money, but just the topic of money in general.  Money was always tight.  My Ex, who I believed at one time to be very smart with money, was a career changer who was constantly feeling behind.  He placed so much of his personal value on his professional/financial success.  I did not put this pressure on him, he put it on himself.  I wanted us to build our life on a solid foundation, just as my parents had.  So I worked diligently towards that while trying to be patient with where my Ex was, knowing his success would one day come.  And the day did come eventually.  He hit his first contest at work, which should've been the foundation we were yearning for.  The problem was, that right as he achieved this goal was when he told me the relationship was over.  Funny coincidence, right?  I think that was the part that hurt the most.  I had been so supportive.  So patient.  I felt like the world was full of so many woman that were focused on superficial, materialistic things and I was not that person.  I saw the true potential in my then husband, and believed in his ability to be successful.  And I was right.  I was just wrong in that after I had stood by him through his professional endeavors, I would be the first person he walked out on when he tasted success.  I take it back, that is not so much what hurt the most, but what infuriated me the most.  I was too trusting. Too patient.  And far too supportive.  This would most definitely be a source of sensitivity in my next relationship- I would not consider being with someone that wasn't established in their career and certain of where they were going.  I'm not saying that to be closed minded, I'm saying it because that was now a trigger for me and I felt it was important to identify those.  So, knowing all of this now, I'm sure you can appreciate how shitty it was that I still had to deal with my Ex on financial matters quite regularly.  Like weekly.  Sometimes even multiple times a week.  He had been pretty generous in our divorce agreement considering how little he had to begin with.  I assumed this was due to guilt, but I still willingly accepted it.  But there was only so much he could truly do.  For instance, when he 'miscalculated' his bills the other month and left me $600 short, then I was $600 short.  He promised to get me the money and while I was firm that I would hold him to it, if he didn't have the money, then he didn't have the money.  It could be months before he would pay it all back.  And then more recently he had some 'fraud' on his account, making him unable to access his funds while the bank investigated it.  This once again, left it on me to cover for him, which only meant my account would now be overdrawn and I would be charged the fee from the bank.  It was so annoying.  He also made comments to me about how much money he was giving me.  This was true, he was paying a lot of his overall income.  But it wasn't for me personally, it was for his children.  What was he thinking I was doing with that money?!?  I wasn't living some lavish lifestyle.  I was paying for an apartment on Western Avenue so that his children had a place to live.  I was buying groceries for 2 growing boys.  Okay, so sometimes I treated myself to a bottle of wine and a movie OnDemand, but come on, I was working, too!  I suppose I was lucky that I even got to collect money from him because not everyone was able to do that.  Dealing with financial matters with an Ex just sucked, overall, just like dealing with an Ex in general sucked.  Yet we'd be connected this way for many MANY years.  Hopefully it would get easier in time.  It had to, right?

226 : I Can't Sleep

I know I will be exhausted tomorrow, but I just can't sleep.  I have a fire going and a glass of wine and I'm cuddled on the couch.  It's only Monday, and I shouldn't be this eager to stay up on a Monday, but I can't help myself.  I just finished the RHOBH and was fully entertained.  And upon completing that I began searching for houses and rentals in the suburbs.  I don't know where I am going next and it kills me.  I am a planner by every definition of the word and It is so difficult to just take things day by day unaware of what my future holds.  The only thing that actually makes me feel better is when I turn my head off to watch the RHOBH or something of similar stimulation because it reminds me there are people way more screwed up than I am.  Still, there is something unsettling about the uncertainty of my future.  It's keeping me up tonight.  I remind myself that it could be worse (because I now know this is true) and turn on Chelsea Lately.  Just a little bit longer and I will force myself to settle in.

225 : Take in Nature's Beauty

Okay, I realize the title here may make some of your think I've gone off the deep end.  And perhaps I have, but I'd like to think I still know what I'm talking about.  The title is in reference to the first snow fall that occurred last night.  We'd had a couple flurries and dustings prior to this but last night was the first legitimate snowfall.  It snowed for hours and even made Western Avenue look beautiful.  The first snowfall always reminded me a being a child and my dad noting this every year.  It was the kind of thing my dad always did- called out the simple beauty of the first snow fall.  We had driven back from Michigan earlier in the day when the flakes began.  Both of my boys were sound asleep in the back seat so I alone took in the site.  Fortunately the roads were still clear and safe for the duration of our drive. As we pulled into the garage, my boys began to stir.  There was definitely a couple of inches on the ground and it didn't appear to be stopping.  We gathered ourselves and headed inside to continue watching from the windows of the apartment.  I immediately plugged in the Christmas tree, the lights on the mantel, got a fire going and turned on the Charlie Brown Christmas Album.  We all huddled together, just looking out the window at the snow just pouring down on the street below.  It was really quite beautiful.  And while I took it all in, I had to admit, I absolutely felt the absence of a partner at that moment.  My children watched attentively and were excited about the snow, but it wasn't quite the same.  I did not miss my Ex - he had disappointed me so greatly there was zero desire to have him around.  I did, however, just feel an absence.  That's not to say it was a lonely moment, but I just craved having a partner around to share it with.  I wanted so genuinely to have our family unit complete with a person that actually wanted to be with us.  With all of us.  It had been a year, and I had made significant progress.  But I was still alone.  Very, very alone.  I had wonderful friends and family around as support but it wasn't the same.  People were continuing forward with their own lives because they could- they were settled.  I was very much unsettled and I needed to figure out what that meant for me.  Or for us, I should say.  I knew it wouldn't be like this forever.  I knew that if I was able to have grown this much in just 1 year than there was no limitation to what I could do.  Or where I would even be another 6 months from now.  I knew that I could count on time to continue to heal my heart, just as I could count on the first snow fall to feel beautiful and amazing every year.  Even after I got my kids in bed, I continued to glance out the window- this time with a glass of wine.  It was so beautiful, I couldn't stop starring.  Another holiday season was upon us.  I had no idea what this year would bring, but I knew that it would most certainly be better than last year.

224 : Let Me Help

Recently, I had a very good friend call me to let me know that she and her husband had decided to get a divorce.  Theirs like most marriages, wasn't perfect, but the news still came as a shock to me.  I felt so sad for my friend.  No matter how much you tried to prepare yourself for such a decision, it was still incredibly painful when you got there.  It was quite amazing to me, that after the year I had just been through, I was the one of sound mind that she turned to.  It had been her, for so many months that provided me with thoughtful insights, support and a genuine outpour of love.  I wanted to give her all of that and more.  So today I want to remind my friend of a couple simple truths.

You are amazing.
You are beautiful.
You are so much stronger than you know.
You will get through this.

I actually knew what I was talking about.  I had lived through everything she was just beginning to embark on.  I spoke not only from the heart, but from true understanding of having experienced it myself.  Our situations were entirely different, but the wave of feelings was the same.  The confidence followed by fear followed by anger followed by sadness was all too familiar.  I was still dealing with many of these emotions today.  I had, however, moved forward quite significantly though since the start of the year.  I was thankful I could be there for my friend.  I knew there was nothing I could do to make her hurt any less, but that eventually it would hurt less.  That I could promise.

223 : Indulge Your Hangover

Come on, did you actually think you would get something productive out of me today?  I already gave full disclosure that yesterday was a party day (see post #222).  I'm recovering today.  Come back tomorrow.

222: I am READY to PARTY!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I was channeling Kristen Wig in the title of this post- specifically the scene on the airplane in Bridesmaids.  If you are not familiar, then you should definitely treat yourself.  It's worth it.  Oh yes, I was going to party today.  In fact by the time you read this, I might even be drunk.  Okay, for any of you early birds perhaps that is not the case, but for the rest of you who are just joining me- yes, I am drunk.  Today is my work holiday party and what that entails is drinking.  Lots and lots of drinking.  Our group worked hard all year and when the holidays came, we played hard.  Everyone- and I mean everyone- let loose.  It was one thing you could always count on.  My boss had commented in the weeks leading up to the event that she wasn't taking any of us home early (I think this was in reference to me because she was concerned I might not be able to handle myself?)  I'm not exactly sure why- the previous year, I had been suffering far worse than I was now.  My Ex (then husband) had told me just 5 days earlier that he was unhappy in our marriage.  I worried that whole week that I was going to fall apart at the party due to the terrible emotional stress I was carrying.  Instead I managed to spend the whole day surrounded by friends, smiling my heart out in an effort to hide the darkest of secrets that would eventually be known.  My marriage was over.  Wow, just even in writing this, I can instantly remember that feeling and how horrible it was.  I'm going to shake it off now because I was in a different place this year.  A much MUCH better place, and I legitimately wanted to have fun.  I was, though, still healing my mental health so while I planned to party, it was important to be mindful of a few things.  I share these for anyone who is harboring stress, suffering or just not feeling 100% and need to still carry on in the moment.  Here is my short survival guide for the day.

1.  Make sure your responsibilities are covered.
My kids were with my parents.  My nanny was paid.  My car was safely parked in my garage and there would be no driving that day.  I had nothing to do the next morning but recover.

2.  Feel good about what you are wearing.
By this, I don't just mean look hot (although that always does help).  When you are going to any festive occasion, your confidence level and mood can hinge on how you feel about what you are wearing.  Make sure you like your outfit and you feel comfortable.  Feeling good about how you look can make all the difference in the world.

3.  Know your company.
Months ago, I wrote a post about drinking (see post #5).  At the time, I was with 3 of my closest friends and I knew I was in a safe place.  I got ridiculously drunk because I knew I could.  I trusted these women more than I trusted myself at the time.  I would not encourage that type of behavior around just anyone.  And if you do get a little sloppy, then hail yourself a cab and go home!

I had my bases covered.  I was planning to have a good time and I was ready!

221 : Well At Least We Can Still Laugh

Wednesdays were my Ex's night with the kids.  Every Wednesday.  He would come to my house and I wasn't allowed home until after 7.  It was a strange thing because on Mondays and Tuesdays, I often felt rushed to leave work and get home.  Then Wednesdays, when I actually had the time to do whatever I needed, I was extremely anxious to get home.  I'm sure this week in particular I felt that way, because we were just now starting to get back in our groove after Thanksgiving.  But it was still his night, so I had to occupy myself until after the 7:00 hour.  I attempted to stick around work, but randomly our company email was down, so there wasn't much to do there.  So when a few coworkers invited me to join them for a drink and I willingly agreed.  I enjoyed 2 beers and then headed home to where my Ex was waiting.  We had a couple things to catch up on with the boys, money, logistics- there always seemed to be something to cover.  Our conversation was easy and fortunately there was nothing contentious to go over that night.  And then all of a sudden out of the blue, I farted.  Not just a silent fart, but a full on unexpected noticeable fart.  I wasn't someone who had gas problems, or farted publicly, either.  I was typically rather private about such matters.  Perhaps it was the beer?  I wasn't sure, but clear as day there had been a loud fart that we both heard.  Without delay, we both immediately erupted in laughter.  I couldn't remember a time in the past when this had happened before?  There was nothing to say, as soon as the laughter stopped, it started again.  The best part was that I didn't even feel the least bit embarrassed.  I probably should have, but after everything we had been through there was no reason.  We finished our topics and he took off.  And even after he left, I caught myself laughing about it out loud again.  Oh life.  If you couldn't find the humor, than what was the point?

220 : It Still Stings

So we had all made it through the first holiday post divorce.  I had struggled a little (see post # 217) but had still survived.  The reports from my Ex were that my kids had a great time with his family.  Upon their return, though, it became quite obvious that I wasn't the only one adjusting to this new family structure.  I had naively expected the boys to miss me terribly.  It only seemed fair, right?  I spent 98% of the time with them.  Surely they could see that at their young ages and would feel a closer bond with me?  Well, that's not exactly how it worked unfortunately.  They returned from their weekend and seemed quite attached to their father.  They both were excited to see me, but they did not want their dad to leave.  They even seemed to prefer him upon arrival back at home, which really stung me.  I was slightly irritated by how easily they had been won over by their dad, even though I knew it was wrong.  He was, afterall, their dad.  And I wanted them to have a relationship with him.  They deserved that.  It's just that he didn't deserve them or so I felt.  So even though I knew what was best for my kids, if I'm being honest here (which I can be- it's my blog) it was really hard to see them so attached to their dad.  My Ex left and the boys and I slowly adjusted to being back together.  That night, things seemed to go back to normal.  My oldest climbed into bed with me during the night.  The next day he seemed extra needy - crying especially hard when I left for work.  I hated that moment.  I reminded myself that even if I were still happily married, the long holiday weekends often made the following Monday mornings more difficult.  That night I got home from work and the boys seemed genuinely happy to see me.  We played for a while and then got pjs on.  We settled into the couch for a show.  And then it was time for bed.  My youngest went without a fight.  My oldest, however, was more challenging.  He threw the tantrum of all tantrums and was crying as loud as his little body would allow.  I want daddy.  I want daddy.   He repeated the phrase again and again, choking on his sobs while I tried my best to hold back mine.  When he finally calmed down, he began to ask me about the upcoming week.  We were going to go visit my family in Michigan.  Would daddy be there?  Why wouldn't daddy be there?  Daddy would probably be with Robin.  Where did I even begin trying to explain.  He was only three and yet he had summarized it better than I could myself.  I was reminded that even though I was finally getting comfortable with this life transition, my children had a long, LONG way to go.  It was like a wound that was slowly healing and then was suddenly ripped open again.  There would be many more nights like this.  Many more questions.  And countless more times when I just sat silently biting my tongue not saying all the things that deep down I wanted to scream out loud about their dad.  I didn't know how I would explain it all, how I could answer why this had all happened because much of it I still didn't understand myself.  All I knew was that I didn't have to have all the answers tonight.  My 3 year old had his immediate questions answered and was finally off to sleep.  It was time to call it a night.

219 : Something is Wrong with Me

I woke up the other morning and made my coffee as per the usual routine.  And then suddenly I broke into the cupboard and got a cookie.  At 6:10 in the morning.  Yes, I had made the mistake of baking homemade cookies the other day while getting in the in the Christmas spirit.  They were for the kids!  But who was I kidding, it was usually me that ended up eating them.  Just not typically at 6:10 in the morning.  It did taste especially delicious with my coffee though.  Just 1 year ago, I had been aggressively doing weight watchers to lose the last of my baby weight (see post #18) and then my husband told me he was unhappy in our marriage.  I was unable to sleep and completely lost my appetite.  For like 2 months.  Now I'm about to reveal something more personal than I have ever to date on this blog.  One year ago, I weighed almost 10 pounds less than I do at this exact moment.  10 pounds!  I will deny that should I ever be questioned on it, but that is the truth.  I remember the number on the scale because when I saw it, I recounted cynically that at least there was 1 good thing in my life.  And now I was sleeping well at night and eating cookies for breakfast. What was wrong with me?  How did the saying go- better to be fat and happy than to be...?  Was that even a saying?  I decided to have 1 more cookie and then it would be time to hop in the shower.

218 : 1 Month to Go

I'd made it through 11 months of 2013.  Only 1 more month to go and then this year would be officially over.  At times I probably sounded like a recovering alcoholic (which, for the record I was NOT) as I recounted the time.  But 11 months under my belt was still something I was proud of.  11 months since my world had been torn apart, and here I was still standing.  Not bad.  I had even made it through my first big holiday post divorce, which I was also proud of.  Now I just had to make it through the mother of all months: December.  This one would be particularly hard because of the holidays and of course the memories of what exactly transpired just a year ago.  I began my start into December this past weekend by preparing my house for Christmas.  To begin with, I bought a fake tree.  Now, don't get me wrong, I do like the smell of real trees.  But I live in an apartment.  On the 2nd floor.  With no elevator.  I had enough responsibility on my plate, I did not need to carry a tree up and down the stairs for the holidays.  I knew what was best for me and for now that was a fake tree.  My Ex hated fake trees, too which only made it more perfect.  Next I had to get out the Christmas box.  Despite our divorce (see post  #117) and reclaiming my space (see post #59), I had still not gone through the infamous Christmas box.  The box contained our homemade stockings - a gift from my mother - complete with each of our names.  It also had ornaments marking all the various occasions from the past 4 years.  Our engagement.  Our wedding. The boys.  I separated our the kid's ornaments- those were still special and I wanted to keep them.  All the rest though, I put in a bag for him along with his 'dad' stocking. I added his childhood snow globe to the bag and a couple other holiday pieces that were his. I think that was officially the last of his stuff.  Now back to my stuff.  I got the mantel set up with the 3 remaining stockings and garland.  I adjusted some furniture to make room for the tree.  I got it set up and laughed a little to myself at how small and fake it actually looked, but it still did the trick.  It looked perfect.  Okay December...let's do this.  I was as ready as I'd ever be.

217 : I Always Cry at Goodbye

I have never been very good at good byes.  Be it saying goodbye to my parents after a nice visit, or goodbye to my children before they went with their father for the weekend.  I get emotional.  Every time.  So it should come as no surprise, that yesterday, after enjoying a perfect weekend with my brother and his family, I suddenly lost it- almost on cue- when it was time to say goodbye.  I recognize that to my loyal readers, I may often sound all over the board here.  I’m strong and confident one day and then I’m sad and hurting the next.  That’s a fair assessment.  I'd like to think that it's quite normal for anyone going through a significant life change but perhaps that was just normal for me.  Regardless, that was where I was.  So in knowing that, I will recount for you now what transpired in my final hours in San Diego.  I woke up with a genuine pain in my heart from missing my children so deeply.  I could almost cry now even as I write this because it was so real.  I thought I was tougher than that.  I knew I would miss them, but I did not anticipate to feel that weight of emptiness having been apart from them for a little over 3 days.  I should have known better.  I reminded myself I would see them the next day and climbed out of bed.  I spent the morning with my brother’s family.  We had a nice breakfast.  We took a walk to the beach- the weather was the typical beautiful San Diego day with temperatures nearing 70.  I thought the sun would lighten my heart and brighten my mood.  And it did for a short while.  It wasn’t until I said my final goodbyes and my brother and I were on our way to the airport that it truly hit me.  I gave him a warning, although I think he knew me well enough by now to know that it was coming.  And then the tears came – raw and pure.  My brother had seen this before, and to his credit he had gotten much better over the years in acknowledging his sister in this sad state. I told him I missed my boys, but I didn’t even have to – he knew.  I mean, I was ready to go back to Chicago, but I wasn’t.  My kids wouldn’t even be there when I got home.  He reminded me what I had survived already and how the new year was on the horizon.  And there was no doubt that 2014 was going to be a better year for me.  He was certain that I deserved that.  I knew he was right.  I knew that on any other day, I could have told myself all the same things and it would’ve been enough.  But today, as the goodbye was already stirring emotion within, I was thankful to hear it from someone else.  

216 : Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

There is one thing for certain that I have learned through divorce.  The more I am away from my kids, the more I love them.  It sounds crazy, because the more I am with them, the more I love them, too.  But it's true, distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I never would've chosen chosen divorce and to see my kids every other weekend, but things happen.  And during this time, I have learned somewhat how to make the most of that.  As a mom, I needed a break from time to time.  I needed it to be about me.  Not always.  And not even often.  Just every now and then, I needed to be something more than just a mom.  I was forced to give up my kids every other weekend.  I could have wallowed in this loss, or I could embrace it.  And I chose the latter.  Because of this, I was able to spend time with friends.  I was able to relish in time for myself.  This past weekend in particular, I was able to enjoy some quality time with my brother and his family.  I got to get get to know my nephew and witness my brother as a father, which was truly adorable.  I missed my kids every moment I was away from them, but I could enjoy the time even more because I knew that when we were back together again, I would appreciate them all the more.  It wasn't always easy, but I was thankful it was getting easier each day.

215 : It's Only Friday...

One of the best things about holidays was the long weekend.  I could sleep in today and I probably would.  In fact, I'm most likely sleeping right now as you are reading this.  It would be just another beautiful day in southern California and I was excited to spend it with my brother, his wife, their dog and KINGSTON!!!!

214 : Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up yesterday morning feeling good and ready to make my Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. I had expected to feel emotional.  I would be leaving my boys that afternoon and this would be the longest we’d be away from each other since the divorce (and probably ever.)  But for some reason, I felt just fine.  My mom had even asked me how the boys were doing knowing I’d be apart from them for Thanksgiving?  Well, the truth was, even at their young age they had gotten somewhat accustomed to the trade off my Ex and I now had to abide by.  I’m not even sure that they knew it was Thanksgiving?  But I did.  It was just a few hours later that we said our goodbyes, exchanged kisses and then off I went, with my pie, to the airport.  Again, no tears.  No feelings of sadness.  What was wrong with me?  At the airport, I watched a young family make their way through security and smiled to myself that had been me (us) many times before.  Yet, I didn’t feel emotional in witnessing it. I made my way to the gate and eventually boarded.  Just me and my pie.  I missed my children, of course, but I felt okay…almost content.  I knew that the worst of it was behind me.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?  Well amen to that sister! I had proven that time and time again in the past year.  I was certainly stronger.  I had been betrayed and hurt beyond words and put myself back together as a stronger, more solid package.  So on this Thanksgiving day, what was I the most thankful for?   More than I could even express.  My Children.  My Parents.  My Family.  My Friends.  My Nanny.  I was thankful to my brother and his family for taking me into their home on this lovely holiday.  I was thankful my health allowed me to complete the Run for the Hungry 10K that morning.  I was thankful my head and my heart were not only healing, but they were sound.  I was thankful I had spoken my truth (see post #207) and I could look myself in the mirror with no shame or regret.  I was thankful that my beautiful pumpkin pie had traveled safely from Chicago to San Diego without flaw.  I was thankful I still had the ability to believe in love and the confidence that my future was bright.  Uncertain, maybe but bright just the same.  It may have sounded a little ‘academy awards’-esque but it was all true.  I had quite a bit to be thankful for on this day.  Okay, now it was time for that pie.