155 : Plan a Weekend Getaway

Okay, so the getaway was only a couple hours away to Detroit, but I made it easy for myself. I booked a flight so I wouldn’t have to spend 10 hours of my weekend driving alone. Been there, done that. I arrived at the airport with ample time to make my way through security only to find my flight had been delayed. The beauty of it was, though, I didn’t even care. Okay, well I would have preferred to depart on time, but I wasn’t upset that it was delayed. I hadn’t traveled sans kids in so long that it actually felt nice to have a little time to myself. Even at the airport. I noticed I wasn’t sweating at all which was quite a departure from my previous trip where I had donned two tots. Instead this time, I walked up to the nearby watering hole, grabbed a pint and sat down with my US Weekly to zone out while I waited for the flight. I was going to visit Nikki and I couldn’t be more excited. We had hardly talked that week (on purpose) so there would be plenty to catch up on. She picked me up from the airport and we went straight Townhouse for some apps and drinks. No kids. No rush. Just two friends sitting down to catch up on their lives. I had been craving that this week in particular. The next morning Nikki had to get her highlights adjusted so naturally, I went along and treated myself to a blow out. (Who wants to actually take the time to dry their hair?) Then off to the kids soccer games. The weather was perfect – it was literally the perfect Michigan fall day. I missed my boys momentarily (I always miss them when we are apart) but I appreciated having some time with my friend. I took a nap that afternoon. For two hours. And then that night we went to dinner and caught an 80s band that kept us dancing for hours. Sunday was the Bears…uh, I should probably say Lions game…That didn’t end in our favor, but the seats were still incredible. And then back to the airport to head home. So my getaway was a just a weekend. Short and Sweet. It was probably one of the better weekends I’d had in a while though. I couldn’t wait to get back to see my kids. Being away from them and doing something for myself only made me better for them upon my return. So what if my return flight would mean I’d miss the season finale of Breaking Bad. It had been worth it.

154 : Surround Yourself with Sunshine

It's funny how people react during a time of crisis.  Like my colleague at work, Heather, for instance.  We were friends before any of of my personal problems began.  As in, we were friends but I didn't share with her (or anyone at work for matter) anything going on with me once problems did arise.  I don't want to say we were just work friends, because I don't think that's the case.  I guess I'm not sure how to define it.  All I know is that as soon as my life began to unravel, something very special began to bloom in our friendship.  Heather had every reason to be annoyed with me.  I had left her twice for 3 month segments to cover my job while I had babies.  Twice.  In a matter of three years.  But she was not one to complain, she was the genuinely happy for you type of person.  I always did like that about her.  But then when I pulled the LOA (see post #6) well, that could've (and probably should've) put her over the edge.  But instead, she responded with the most sincere form of support and outpour of love that I could've ever imagined.  She would text me randomly while I was on my leave, not asking when I would return, but rather telling me she was thinking of me and sending positivity and good energy my way.  She would remind me how wonderful I was.  She was not the only person to boost me up during this difficult time, but perhaps it was less expected from her because of the fact that prior to this I had never considered us to be super close.  And to be completely honest, I'm not sure I ever really gave her a reason to be so kind to me.  Not saying that I was a bitch or anything, just saying, I don't think I had given nearly as much to her up to this point and she was offering in return.  Her support (and that of many others I worked with as well) made me feel comfortable returning to work (see post #43).  And once I got back, our friendship seemed to have reached a different place.  We were tight.  Both personally and professionally.  She was there for me.  And I tried to do whatever I could to be there for her, because she deserved that more than anyone.  She brought just the right amount of sunshine and positive energy into my world every day to make things just a little bit easier to get through.  I'm not sure we would've ever reached this point in our friendship had all of this not happened.  But I can say with certainty, I'm so very thankful that we did.

153 : Be Open

So I wasn't going to take it to the extreme and call this the Year of Yes, but I was certainly doing my best to be open minded.  I had tried to say yes (see post #4) to opportunities that came my way.  I had joked with a friend the other day that I had no idea what was ahead of me.  I could be a lesbian by the end of this next year for all I knew.  (Okay, that probably wasn't going to happen, but you never know).  Life had thrown me for a curve this year and I didn't know what to expect moving forward.  Even the week prior, when I was having drinks with my legal team (see post #144)  my attorney told me he had a friend to set me up with.  He described him as a good guy who was tall and successful.  As we sat there, he attempted to pull up a picture to show me and I stopped him right there.  I was already interested by the description, I didn't need to see a photo.  No matter what happened there or with anything else over the next year, I knew I would continue to put myself out there.  I knew I would be open minded.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but that in the end, I would be okay.  I had already proved that.  So I would just continue marching forward, facing everything that came my way, and be ready for whatever was to come.

152 : Face the Past

I was in route to an appointment the other morning and walked right past the exact spot that my Ex proposed.  It was right off Michigan Avenue near the historic Water Tower Building.  I remembered that moment so vividly even though it was over 5 years ago.  We had gone to dinner and then because I wasn't feeling well, we were going to take a cab to get home.  My Ex crossed the street but instead of stopping for a cab, he just continued walking.  And I followed still unclear as to what was happening.  And then he did it.  He got down on one knee as a woman walking past gasped in seeing us.  You would expect that seeing this place would cause me to feel sad or pain of some sort.  Surprisingly though, it did not.  There was no way I would ever see this spot and not think of what happened there.  It was a huge moment in my life and I would never just forget it.  But I didn't really feel sad to walk by.  So much had happened in the past year.  And while it was difficult, infuriating at times, heart breaking at others...at the end of the day, I had come to learn a couple simple truths.  My Ex was not a happy person.  My Ex was not a good person.  And I was both of those things and so much more.  I never would've chosen to end my marriage.  But as I walked past this spot, I noticed the fact that I felt so much lighter at that moment.  It was as though a weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I still didn't know where I was going in life, but I knew any direction I headed would be better than where I had been.

151 : Reframe Your Family

For my oldest son, I properly noted each milestone with photos.  We went to Target and captured the 3 month picture.  Then the 6 month.  I skipped the 9 month shot but then when he turned 1 year I scheduled a photo session with a photographer to capture our whole family.  The pictures were beautiful and I framed several throughout our apartment.  And then number 2 came along.  I tried my best to be diligent with this one as well - at least in capturing the milestones.  Back to Target for the 3 month pictures (in the same outfit I'd captured my older son in at that age, even though #2 was busting out of it).  There was a slight delay in going for the 6 month pictures (hey- give me a break.  My husband had up and left me!)  It was closer to 7 months that I got it taken care of.  And then the 1 year mark came and again I wanted to hire the same photographer to capture our family.  Although this time, it was a different family.  The shots he had previously taken were no longer visible in our place because that family unit no longer existed.  We were still a 3 pack, but the members had changed.  It was just the boys and I.  Fortunately, my photographer was a family friend so he required no explanation for the situation.  We met at the park, and in his candid and artist fashion, he snapped his camera for over an hour of the 3 of us.  While I hadn't seen the proofs yet, I was confident my goal had been met and I was excited to showcase our new family portraits within our home.  It may have seemed like a small change, but from my perspective this was still a positive step in moving forward with my life.

150 : Accomplish Magnificent Things

A couple months ago, I went away for a weekend with my girlfriends (see post #78).  Have I mentioned I have the greatest friends in the world?  It was my divorce weekend.  One of them suggested we plan it, and while the thought of planning anything at the time was incredibly overwhelming, I went along.  And thank goodness I did.  The original hope was that I would actually be divorced by the time the weekend took place but for various reasons that didn't happen.  We still had a wonderful weekend though and celebrated the beginning of my new life.  The time and company with my girlfriends was the greatest therapy I could ask for.  As if that wasn't enough, my friends gave me a present.  They had each written me a note of inspiration to accompany the gift.  And then came my gift.  It was a necklace packaged with the following message:

Accomplish Magnificent Things
make a wish and put on your necklace.  get ready to accomplish the incredible!  you can do whatever you set your mind and your heart to.  wear your necklace as a reminder that you are capable of anything you imagine.

I've worn the necklace almost daily since I received it.  I love it in design and in it's message.  I also kept the packaging and the cards.  In the past couple months, I will say the good days seem to have outnumbered the bad days.  But when it all starts to feel heavy again, I pull out the box.  I reread the packaging of my necklace and the words of my friends and I'm a brought back to a place of peace.

149 : It Doesn't Get Much Better Than This

It's often a thankless job...being a parent that is.  On a daily basis we deal with demands without manners, irrational tantrums and a disgusting amount of poop.  Literally.  This past weekend, I went out to my friend's house in the suburbs (see post #146).  The bedtime routine was especially challenging because this was somewhere other than our own home.  My oldest was beyond tired, but he refused to settle in.  His crying fit woke up my youngest, and the two of them did everything they could to fight off sleep.  Eventually, their exhaustion took over and the room was silent.  A few hours later, I crept in to join them for the night.  My youngest was in a pack and play on the floor and my oldest was next to me in bed.  Sometime around 3 in the morning, I woke up to my youngest son crying.  This was very unusual for him, he was my best sleeper.  I laid in bed awake, hoping he would settle himself and return to sleep.  I knew if he saw me I didn't stand a chance.  But the crying persisted.  I tried to rub his back to soothe him, but as soon as I returned to bed, the crying resumed. After several attempts, I finally picked him up and took him to bed with me.  Or with us I should say.  So here I was, wide awake in the middle of the night, laying in between my two boys.  And once again, I started thinking about how my Ex was missing all of this.  By choice!  It still blew my mind.  It was difficult at times to be a single parent and have everything fall on me.  I knew, though, that this was exactly where I was supposed to be.  This was still what I wanted and I was thankful for my boys. At that very moment I was tired, uncomfortable and certain they both smelled like urine, but I knew I was incredibly blessed.  I had two healthy, beautiful sons both cuddled into me.  It didn't get much better than this.

148 : Pro Choice

Okay, this post is probably going to sound ridiculous.  I'm aware, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it.  I used to always like small forks when I ate.  Yup, this is really what my post is about today.  I used to always like small forks.  I'm not sure why, but that was just my preference.  My Ex knew this about me and he would always point it out.  As in, if we were having people over and he was getting silverware, he'd ask what size fork they wanted because I always liked small forks.  And then 2013 came and with it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my new life.  So one day recently I was making myself something to eat (I think a kale salad?) and I opened the silverware drawer to grab a fork.  But right as I did, I saw a big fork as my first option.  I wasn't trying to do it to spite him, I wasn't trying to do it change who I was (it's a fork for crying out loud!) but for some reason, I suddenly wanted a big fork.  I made the switch.  I thought about how this was a big deal and I'd have to blog about it and everyone would think this was probably my worst blog to date because I was writing about utensils.  (And maybe it is.)  But seriously, it was more than just a fork.  It was about choosing something new for myself because I could.  There was something satisfying in that.  I had spent so much time over the past year feeling powerless with my situation.  And with the simple selection of silverware, I was reminded on a smaller scale, that I had options.  Many, many options.  Some of the bigger decisions in my life (where to live, how to date) were incredibly overwhelming.  So I decided to just stick with the big fork and enjoy my lunch.  For now.

147 : Punch Out

I've had a long day. My kids are in bed. I just took a hot shower and poured myself a glass of wine. I'm calling it in. I'll post more tomorrow.

146 : Retreat to the Burbs

Fortunately for me, my friend's husband was going away on a bachelor party this upcoming weekend.  That meant she was stuck as a single mom for the weekend and what do single moms love more than anything?  Other single moms!  So an invitation was extended for me and the boys to join in on the craziness for the weekend.  They don't say it takes a village for nothing.  It was a true saying.  2 moms and 4 boys was a challenge no matter how you sliced it.  But it was nice to be in it together.  Even if it was just for the weekend, I wasn't doing it alone.  There was some comfort in that.  I was lucky to have such good friends.  I was lucky that at a young age my boys already had lifelong friends.  No matter how lonely I felt on occasion, I was reminded that I wasn't really alone.

145 : Co-Parent

Co-Parent.  I really despised that term.  What did it even mean anyway?  Okay, I knew what it meant, but it was annoying when I heard it because from my perspective I was doing everything.  You already know that I feel I got screwed over.  My Ex had abandoned me without warning and had definitely put me in a tough situation - emotionally, financially, you name it.  On the day of our official divorce, he had left me a voicemail saying he was looking forward to 'co-parenting' with me for many years to come.  I wanted to respond with "F*ck You."  I restrained myself though, as I had done so many times in the past.  It was not healthy to fester in that negative space, so I did my best to focus on what I had instead of what I'd lost and kept my head towards the future.  So when my Ex came over this week for his evening with the boys and there were no feelings of animosity present, I found it to be a relief.  Almost even pleasant.  Of all the times, I had returned to my home with him there, this one was the least controversial.  Yes, the majority of the responsibility remained on my plate and it would continue to for the foreseeable future.  Yes, I was still annoyed and at times disgusted by my Ex and his selfish choices.  But for the most part, we didn't really have much to argue about currently.  We both cared for our kids and were able to communicate without fears, threats, bitterness or anger.  I was honest with him about my struggles and exhaustion of being a single mom.  And he listened and responded judiciously without attacking.  It would never be perfect.  I knew this.  It would never even be easy.  But it was nice to see that it wouldn't always be so hard. We would be in each other's lives forever.  For the most part, the ugly stage was behind us.  It was nice to finally (for now at least) just be.

144 : Have Drinks with Your Legal Team

I was in the process of getting back to me.  The old me.  And a forever changed new me.  Either way, I would continue to be out there and open.  Drinks with the legal team?  You got it. There was nothing cool about getting a  divorce.  Well, except that I could use the phrase 'legal team'.  I thought that was pretty cool.  One day a few months ago, we were in the middle of the annoying back and forth between my Ex and his lawyer- I asked my attorney if we could go out for a drink once this was all done.  She laughed and said sure.  So I held them to it.  The papers had been signed.  This sh*t was done.  We needed to celebrate.  I enjoyed telling people the whole week leading up to this that I was having drinks with my legal team that night.  That's right, not just my lawyer...my legal team.  Should I say that again?  Okay, in reality they had helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I felt a little connected to them because of it.  (Financially I still WAS connected to them, but that was besides the point.)  It couldn't hurt to keep the ties.  You never knew who they were connected with - as in, YES I did ask flat out if they had any eligible bachelors to set me up with (and there may have been one potential guy mentioned).  At the end of the day, they too were ready to raise a glass and celebrate this case being closed.  And they even picked up the tab.  What more was there to say?  Cheers!

143 : Put Your Phone Away

The cell phone.  In many ways it was one of the greatest inventions ever to enter the world.  In other ways, I hated it.  Every night, I'd go through the bedtime routine (or struggle through the bedtime routine some nights) with the hopes of sitting down and relaxing after it all.  Perhaps I'd even get a meal in or catch a show.  But then night after night, I'd fall victim to my phone.  It started with I'm just going to quick check my personal email.  A couple replies here and there.  Oh a sale at Old Navy this week.  I don't need one thing from that store but I owe it to myself to thoroughly investigate the sale items at this very moment.  I might as well check my work email, too, just to make sure I haven't missed anything.  Heaven forbid I stop thinking about work for an hour or two.  Great, now they are saying the work is due NEXT week?  We haven't even briefed that assignment yet!?!
If it wasn't email, then it was a quick move on Words with Friends.  Or hopping onto Instagram to see what was new.  Before I knew it, I'd cheated myself out of the 1-2 hours of free time I had that entire day.  And for what?  Precious time spent browsing that damn little piece of machinery?  Fielding texts from coworkers after hours?  Learning that UGG would be featured on Zulily the next day (okay, that one I actually did appreciate the heads up on).
It was completely my fault and I knew this.  My phone was my life line.  I didn't have anyone else to talk to once the kids were in bed.  It was often the end of me though, as well.  And so every now and again, I made it a point to put that thing on silent and just walk away.

142 : Take What You Can Get

I had all sorts of things I wanted to get done last night.  I came home from work with the intention of spending some quality time with my kids.  They had been with their father over the weekend so I was especially missing them that day while at work.  I got home and was down on the floor playing with them almost immediately.  And then the bed time routine started.  It became apparent my oldest was extremely tired that evening - more so than usual.  I did my best to put on their pjs and brush team with enthusiasm even though I was tired from the long day myself.  We went into their room and got settled in beds while I read 2 books - my oldest son's choice.  And then they were out.  Or so I thought.  I came back out to the kitchen focused on making myself a healthy and quick dinner because I was starving.  And then my oldest came out and needed a toy.  Then another blanket.  Then a change of pants.  This continued on and on and on.  Our evening routine played out this way from time to time, but it seemed to be worse the days following his weekends away.  He missed me.  I had hopes of eating dinner and unwinding in front of the TV.  I had some work to do.  A blog or two to write.  A bill to pay.  An email from school to follow up on.  The list could keep going.  I finished up cooking my dinner and sat down to start eating.  It was just then that I heard my oldest crying and before I knew it, he was out of his room and standing in front of me.  He continued crying and told me he was 'scared' and that he wanted me.  How could I refuse that?  He said he wanted to fall asleep on my lap.  I knew this would probably never really play out that way, but I refused to pass up an opportunity to cuddle.  He climbed aboard and burrowed into my lap.  My dinner could wait.  The to do list could be postponed until tomorrow.  This was the best part of my day, I wasn't going to let it pass me by.  I'm not sure how long we sat there but I know it was a while.  Eventually, I suggested we try going back to bed.  He was agreed and was now ready.  I tucked him in and gave him a kiss, knowing he'd climb out again sometime in the night and come get in my bed.  I was already looking forward to it.

141 : Run a 5K

Two days before the race, Megs and I decided to run the Bucktown 5K.  Years ago we would have been able to do this in our sleep.  We had participated in so many races together.  We had run this one in particular almost 10 years ago.  We had also done a half marathon that summer.  And then a triathlon the following summer.  She was my running buddy.  Always had been, always would be.  We just knew how to run together.  I know that probably sounds silly, but it was true.  We each had our side and knew our pace and even though we probably hadn't done a race together since the Marathon back in 2009 - we picked right up as though nothing had changed.  Running had always been therapy for the both of us.  I think that was a bond we would forever share.  When we trained for the marathon, Megs was actually going through a divorce.  Our training (and talks while we ran) played a huge role in helping her work through everything.  At the time, I had just gotten married and while I was very happy in my relationship, I was stressed about my new husband's career and how we were not financially where we wanted to be yet.  It's funny to me now that I thought I was stressed then, compared to what I had been through in the past year.  But it's all relative I suppose. Still, it was that stress that propelled us both to finish the marathon.  There was a moment during that race, somewhere near the 23rd mile that I will never forget.  We were just running along and then all of a sudden I felt overcome with emotion.  I just started crying right on the spot.  I couldn't believe we had almost completed a marathon.  It represented so much more of a personal journey for both of us than just the physical accomplishment.  I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.  So now back to present day, here we were back to where we had been so many times before.  However this time, I was the recent divorcé and Megs was the happily married one.   It didn't seem to matter though - life in general was just BUSY and therefore stressful. That was one thing you could always count on.  The race was only 3.2 miles, but I was still excited to run again.  Megs grabbed me around 7 in the morning and we headed to the start.  The rain couldn't hold out, but I didn't even mind.  It felt so good to be up early, doing something for myself and knowing I'd have already completed my workout before 9am with the rest of the day at my disposal.  Turns out the run was easier for both of us than we had expected (who was I kidding - Megs still ran quite often, of course it was easy for her.  I, on the other hand, had not run nearly as frequently as I used to.)  We made it across the finish line and gave each other a high five.  It felt good to be back.

140 : Find Some Pleasure

When I first told one of my friends about my blog concept, she asked if one of the ways to get back to me was to masturbate on my ex's side on the bed.  No, I am not kidding, that was a real question and my loyal readers will know immediately which friend asked that.  We laughed at the time (probably me more than her) because my focus was in a completely different place.  I had a broken heart and spirit, I couldn't even think about sex (let alone write about it!?!)  Over the past several months though, as I began to heal myself, I found myself returning to the topic more often.  I still hadn't been with anyone new yet (and I wasn't comfortable blogging about it when it did happen!) but it was certainly something I began to think about.  So, when a couple girlfriends suggested we make a trip to the neighborhood sex shop for some new accessories, I agreed to join in.  We went to lunch first, and each had an adult bevie while we caught up.  Then we made our way to the store, where a somewhat frightening woman gave us an in depth tutorial on all the various vibrators, cock rings, dildos and lubes available.  (You have to be somewhat frightened by any woman who can just say the word 'clit' or the phrase 'cock ring' while keeping a perfectly straight face. I may have been 37, but I couldn't help but giggle at those!)  My two friends were in the market for toys that could be used on their own or with their partner.  I, on the other hand, had no partner, so I was focused on solo enjoyment.  Why not? We paid for our goods and vowed to give the reviews to one another after trial.  They both said they would let me know the next day.  I told them I'd text them in an hour:)  I think this gave new meaning to 'me time' or 'treating myself'.  Either way, I was a satisfied customer.

139 : Go to Chinatown for lunch

Life had gotten rather crazy over the past year.  Work was busy.  Home was busy.  How was I supposed to manage it all?  Typically I arrived at work between 8:30-9 so that I could hit the ground running each day.  And that I would.  I would run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to accomplish it all.  I'd sit at my desk at eat lunch while working in an effort to get everything done so that I could leave work close to 5 and return to my boys.  Well not today.  My boys were going to spend the weekend with their dad, and I was in desperate need of a break during the day.  I headed down to my favorite spot in Chinatown with a colleague I had not seen in a while to catch up on everything.  It was so nice to get out during lunch just to break up my day!  And to catch up with an old friend for some fresh perspective only made my lunch all the better.  It was something I wouldn't be able to do on a regular basis, but I appreciated the fact that I was able to do it that day. And I'd try my best to continue to do so when possible.

138 : What's Next

Okay, so I was officially divorced (see post #117).  I had committed to staying in my apartment for another year (see post #63).  My son had started school (see post #121).  And I finally delivered my letter and got some closure (see post #137).  So what was next?  Well, right as you think you know what you are doing, suddenly a curve ball comes your way.  A housing opportunity in the burbs suddenly came into the picture.  I was out at a friends the previous weekend and learned that a house just 3 doors down would soon be going on the market to rent.  She encouraged me to walk down there and leave my information.  You never know, right?  So, being the open minded person I am this year, I willing did so.  As we approached the house, I saw a car was in the driveway.  The owner was there.  I ended up meeting him in person.  I provided my information and told him I might be interested if/when he was ready to rent.  But wait, I had a lease?  My son had just started school. I was even considering a move back to Michigan.  Would this work?  I had no idea.  The only thing I knew is that it was just another opportunity for me to consider.  There were so many what if's in the picture surrounding every scenario.  I had to just keep my mind open and see what happened.  It had all worked out up to this point, and it would continue to do so no matter where I lived.

137 : Give Your Ex the Letter

I had written a letter to my Ex many months ago (see post #66).  At the time, I was very confused about what had transpired between us.  I knew I would never get the answers I was looking for, but I had to write it out as a way to work through my feelings.  So much time had passed since I originally wrote the letter.  I debated about whether or not to even pass it along.  At one point, I realized I no longer needed to share it.  I had come to a place of peace.  I still didn't understand what had happened, but I no longer cared as much.  I had moved on.  And then the divorce was official.  And I decided finally...once and for all...to deliver my letter.  I wasn't giving him the letter for him.  I was doing it for me.  I wanted that closure.  Whether he read it or got anything out of it, no longer mattered.  I said what I needed to say and I was done.  I was moving on.

136 : New Day

Monday was one of those days.  The kitchen sink faucet head snapped off before I left for work.  My nanny texted me later to let me know the washing machine wasn't working.  I reached out to my property manager several times without any response.  When I got home that night, I learned that mold was resurfacing in the bathroom, saw my youngest had a black eye from our fall the other day (see post #133), my older son peed on the rug and finally I sat down to blog only to find my internet connection was down.  I wanted so desperately to have something positive to say in that moment, but I didn't (see post #135). Then the new day started and I could suddenly feel the weight of everything lifted slightly off my shoulders.  Why?  I'm not sure.  The problems were still there.  After a good night's sleep though, I could see them for what they really were.  Small, annoying, irritating tasks that needed to be managed on top of my already very long list of things I was responsible for.  That's all though.  Tasks.  I could manage that.  After what I had been through in the past year- was I really going to let THAT stuff get to me?  I had faced family, friends and colleagues through the most difficult and humiliating experience of my life.  I had been betrayed by my best friend, partner and love.  I had hit rock bottom and yet still seem to be standing on both feet.  Somehow.  A couple apartment malfunctions were certainly inconvenient, but they were nothing in the face of what I had already survived.  I made my list of what I needed to get done and knew without a doubt I would conquer it just like I had done with everything else.  Oh what promise a new day could bring.

135 : If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

Turn off your computer, pour yourself a glass of wine and catch up on Breaking Bad.

134 : There's Power in Numbers

While at my friend's baby shower the other day, another friend asked me what I had planned for Sunday.  Her husband was going to the Bears game and she was terrified at the fact of being alone with her kids all day.  Oh yes, I knew that feeling.  I agreed to come out.  Even though technically we'd be outnumbered by the little ones, there was something comforting about doing it together instead of doing it alone.  At least we had each other.  Our boys could play.  The little ones could nap.  We might be able to even complete a conversation.  Well, two out of three actually worked out, which in my mind I considered a success.

133 : Take it all Back

I take back everything I said about the weekend (see post #132).  By 8am in the morning yesterday, I was already wishing I was going to work that day.  Yes, that is what being a parent is all about.  It's one of the most physically and mentally demanding jobs around.  Both of my kids woke up at the exact same time that morning.  6:30 am.  They were both crying.  Needing me.  Needing milk.  Food.  Clean diapers/underwear.  Neither could understand patience.  I was sweating, racing from child to child trying to accommodate both of them and constantly letting down one of them.  I opened the fridge to learn we were almost out of milk and immediately thought this was a great opportunity for all of us to get out of the house!  Fresh air!  We all left in our pajamas - there was a store a couple blocks away and the weather was still beautiful out.  We might as well walk while we could still enjoy it, right?  So off we went.  My youngest was in the stroller.  My oldest was pushing the stronger.  I was still sweating, but at least I could feel the breeze in the air.  1/8 of the way into the route, my oldest got tired of pushing and started to run ahead.  With the stroller in hand, I did my best to keep up.  But then we got to an intersection and while I had instructed him to stop- he just kept running right into the street as a car was turning directly into his path.  I screamed STOP at the top of my lungs and the car braked within a few feet of hitting him.  Literally.  A couple runners stopped to take in the near accident and a neighbor asked if we were ok.  My oldest continued to giggle and skip on completely unaware at what had just occurred.  Now I was really sweating.  I forced my oldest onto my hip and attempted to walk the rest of the way carrying him but my back was too sore to do so.  We made it to the store, scooped up the milk and then were ready for our return home.  This time, my oldest decided to stand on the end of the stroller (facing his brother) while I pushed them both.  Good plan.  At least I could keep an eye on him this way.  We were approaching that same deathly intersection when the stroller hit a bump in the sidewalk - causing the entire stroller and all 3 of us to fly forward.  My oldest first, then my youngest right on top of him, then the stroller, and finally me and my full body weight piling on the top.  We had fallen right into the street.  That same god damned intersection!  A passing car pulled over to ask if we were okay as both of my boys had erupted in tears.  I picked myself off the ground, got the stroller back up, brushed them both off and returned my oldest to my hip where I continued to carry him (SWEATING and BACK KILLING!) the rest of the route home.  I will say it again.  Being a parent (and a SINGLE parent, no less!) was probably one of the most physically and mentally demanding jobs and some days are just harder than others.

132 : Rejoice in the Weekend

I've always loved the weekends.  Who doesn't?  It's by far the best part of the week.  When I was married, I couldn't wait to go home Friday after work and just do NOTHING!  I liked spending time with my family.  My Ex and I would get our kids in bed and then we'd make dinner or order food, hang out, drink some wine, and just chill.  I loved the evening in almost more than the nights when we had plans because it was so nice to just come home after the long week.  And then everything happened and suddenly I found my Friday nights to be incredibly lonely.  The weekends I had my kids, I would get them in bed, then sit alone, fried from the week.  Sometimes I still followed the same steps as before (order food, drink wine, chill) but it wasn't the same as having someone around to enjoy it with.  The weekends I didn't have my kids were even worse, because I hated coming home to the empty house on Friday nights. Either way, life was now different.  I started to get adjusted to this fact, but often still found myself dreading the weekends at times- whether I had my kids or not.  It was challenging to be raising 2 kids alone, and it was even harder to be away from them.  And then the craziest thing happened.  I found myself last night actually looking forward to going home after work on Friday.  I had survived a very long week.  I was exhausted.  I had nothing planned for the night and I was looking forward to it.  I'm writing about this now because this was the first time that I can remember in a very long time that the thought of getting to the weekend didn't make me feel nervous or dreadful in any way.  I would go home, put my kids to bed and then just relax.  All by myself.  And I couldn't wait.

131 : Break the Seal

Well, it happened.  No, not THAT!  THAT will not be shared in this blog.  (Come on, I need something to myself, okay?)  I just meant I kissed someone. Actually he kissed me.  Or we kissed.  However you want to say it - there were kisses.  I was out with some friends a couple weeks ago and before I knew it, a 'happy hour' turned into 'a night out' which eventually became 'time to go home'.  One of the guys I was out with happened to live near me, so we decided to share a cab.  And yes, I believe I actually thought that was all that was happening.  And then he kissed me.  It was funny (not the kiss!) but just that I was surprised by it a little.  I mean he was a nice, good looking, decent guy.  And I wasn't all that bad either, right?  Why should this surprise me?  Well it did for some reason.  Maybe because I had been with the same person for so many years and I hadn't as much as kissed anyone since he left.  (That may be pathetic to some, but ultimately I knew what was best for me during my fragile emotional state.  And sleeping around - not that I've ever been that type or even had the time for that matter - would not have helped.  So instead nothing had happened.  Until now.)  So we kissed.  Woo Hoo!  I was moving on!!!!  Okay, really...it was totally innocent  and I had no idea if it would happen again or not.  And to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised either way.  After what I had been through in the past year, I had learned that life was certainly unpredictable like that.  I know I enjoyed it in the moment and that's all that really mattered.  I would just remain open to whatever came my way.

130 : You too, huh?

There was a new guy that started in my office not too long ago who seemed pretty cool.  I'm not saying that in an 'I have a crush on him' type of way at all- I literally just mean he seemed like a friendly, level headed, cool guy to work with.  Mind you, I worked in a creative environment where there were a lot of emotional, irrational and egotistical personalities to balance.  So it was nice to add one to the mix that seemed friendly, level headed and pretty cool (so far at least).  We got to talking a few times and I learned that he had a 1 year old son.  I noticed that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring at the time, too but hey we're creatives - people are doing all sorts of unconventional things these days.  A week later we had a conversation about our weekends and he made mention of his Ex.  There he said it.  He had an Ex.  And a son that wasn't even 2.  Now I didn't know this guy all that well, and since he was a colleague (and not even as close as an acquaintance yet) it would've been totally out of line to ask questions about his situation.  But I have to admit, I did somehow feel comforted to hear that he too had a very young child and he too had an Ex.  I'm sure his situation was totally different than mine, but it's not like that mattered.  Just to know that there were other people out there in a somewhat similar situation gave me comfort.  I'm not proud of that - I wouldn't wish this on anyone - but that's still how I felt.  It was reassuring to know that it wasn't only me.  I wasn't completely alone.   I would be okay.

129 : It's Just So Disappointing

To this day, I still can't really say I know what happened to my Ex.  He just changed. Drastically.  He was one person and then suddenly he wasn't.  I don't know what the hell happened to him.  I knew that I was moving on though and I was in a good place.  I would still have to interact with this 'stranger' for the rest of my life though because of our kids.  We seemed to be getting along decently (considering) but then once again, my Ex let us all down.  For various reasons, he had been unavailable to see the kids as of late and hadn't really talked to them as frequently as normal (which wasn't all that frequent, anyway).  We spoke while the boys were napping and agreed to have a phone call with them that night at 6:30 before they went to bed.  I repeated the time to him to confirm it would work and he agreed.  My boys got up from their naps, we played, we had dinner, we did baths and before I knew it, it was time for the call.  I told my oldest how we were going to call daddy!  He held the phone in anticipation and waited while it rang and rang and rang.  No answer.  So then we tried calling him back at 6:45.  Again, after several rings and no answer we got the voice mail.  Fortunately my son just had a birthday so the room was filled with toys that were far more exciting than a phone right then.  He was jumping all over and playing a moment later, not even aware his dad hadn't answered. I was aware though.  And it was hard not to be pissed, although I reminded myself for the millionth time how many amazing moments my Ex was missing out on.  More than anything, I just couldn't get over how disappointing it was.  He had disappointed me as a partner, husband and friend.  And now he was disappointing my children as their father.  My kids may have been too young now to comprehend, but some day they would.  I could only hope that he could get himself together for their sake before that day arrived.  He never did call back that night.  I'm not sure what happened and I didn't care.
All I could do was try my best...the rest was on him.

128 : On a Positive Note

I was having dinner with a friend a couple weeks ago and she made an interesting point to me.  She was saying how fun it was for me that I got to experience falling in love again. Granted I wasn't there, I wasn't even close, but at some point I would be (hopefully).  She was talking about how while she was very happily married, there is nothing like the beginning of relationship when you are completely giddy over someone.  You have the butterflies.  You lay in your bed awake at night with a smile on your face because of them.  While I may have not been anywhere close to this situation, it was true that the opportunity could arise in the future.  I hadn't thought about things like that.  I just kept thinking (trying to be positive here) that I WOULD meet someone new eventually and have a partner again. But I hadn't really focused much on the falling for someone part.  It was fun.  It made me smile to think about it.  I didn't know when it would happen for me, but I knew that I was in a good place emotionally.  I knew I as open.  I would just keep moving in that direction and eventually the good energy I tried to put off would guide me to where I was supposed to be.

127 : Write a Letter to Your Child Part 2

As part of my new tradition (see post #79) it was time to sit down and write a letter to my older son.


Dear Jack,

Happy Birthday! You are 3!!! I cannot believe that my baby is already 3.  I don't know where the time has gone.  This year has been a very different year for us.  As you are starting to see (not sure that you truly understand yet) your dad and I ended our marriage this year.  This was incredibly sad for me but mostly because I was sad for you.  I wanted more than anything for you and Rory to grow up in a household where the mom and dad were together. I won't go into specifics about things, but I am sorry this happened.  I want you to know that our divorce had nothing to do with you or Rory.  I was very sad about what happened and I don't now what I would've done without you and Rory.  You both needed me so I had to pull myself together for you.  I had to be strong.  You showered me with love and affection.  You tested me too (it's okay, you were 2!) but we became very close- the 3 of us.  I am so very thankful I have you! You are very clever, even for age 3.  You impress me with your questions and ability to problem solve.  Sometimes you will say something and I don't follow so I think you are confused.  But you are always right!  You are all BOY, too.  You love construction trucks, cars and above all else - sports!  Yes, even at age 3 you already can dribble a basketball (well!), make a basket, hit a baseball, throw a ball and swing a golf club (very well!).  I'm sure there is more, too - you are definitely already very athletic.  As far as sleeping goes- you are an early bird like me.  You wake up ready to go every morning about 6-7.  This is one area that I wish you could be more like Rory:)  Shortly after your father moved out, you starting coming into my bed at night to sleep with me.  I'm sure many 2-3 year olds do this, but I think you knew I needed you there.  I was worried about it at first because I didn't want to screw up your sleep habits but I've grown to like it now.  I think you just wanted to be close to mommy which was something I needed.  I am going to enjoy it while it lasts because some day I'll probably embarrass you.  I can say with complete honesty, Jack, you have been my best friend this year.  You are the first person I see every morning and the last person I see at night.  You make me smile.  Your laughter is incredible and warms my heart.  You and your brother put me at ease and remind me daily how lucky I am.  You've helped me more in the past year than you will ever know.

Thank you for all the happiness you've brought into my life this year.

I love you.

Love,
Mom

126 : See Life Through Your Child's Eyes

I often struggled with guilt.  I've written about this before (see post #74).  There was never enough time for all the things I was responsible for, the activities I hoped to complete and the people for whom I cared about.  It hit me the hardest when it came to my kids, especially now that I was divorced.  I began to look forward to the weekends I had to myself but then I felt guilty about it.  And now it was my son's 3rd birthday this weekend, and I wasn't even with him.  He was with his grandparents.  I would celebrate with him when I saw him, but I wasn't there with him on his actual birthday.  Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt.  I was feeling bad about the situation and then a funny thing happened.  I called my son to wish him a happy birthday and you know what he told me?  Mommy, I saw 2 squirrels.  He told me this 3 times during our 5 minute conversation.  He was so excited about the 2 squirrels he saw in Grandma's back yard, I'm not even sure if he received my birthday message.  He was having fun with his cousins.  He knew it was his birthday, but he didn't seem the least bit concerned that I wasn't there.  He was happy.  Oh to be so young and innocent!  I wish I could approach my own life that way.  His comment made me smile and put an end to my guilt (for now).  I promised myself I would remember that one next time.