277 : Show Me the Money : Part 3

Is there something wrong with me that I don't think I feel any love for my Ex still?  Does this make me a bad person?  I mean, I trusted this person.  I thought it was forever with this person.  I loved him.  And now, a year later and I don't feel any love for him.  At all.  Is that wrong?  The other night, we had a money oriented conversation.  I had worried about said conversation for 3 solid days.  1 Conversation.  I was nervous about how to approach it and even more nervous about how he would receive it.  Still, I prepared.  And when we spoke that night...it went well.  Well.  It wasn't great but it was well.  I'd take it.  In fact, it felt like this was a milestone.  I had a difficult conversation with no emotion behind it.  I felt like that was another milestone.  I felt no anger.  I wasn't hurt.  I addressed my Ex like a business parter; direct and to the point.  And he responded as though he received it that way!!!!  Touchdown!  And then, the best part of all was that after we spoke, I called my parents to let them know it went well and then I didn't think about it again that night.  A HUGE milestone!

We agreed to a shared google document that tracked all commission activity.  It would be better for both of us to have a record and a shared reference was even better.  He said he was going to meet his obligations financially.  And I believed that was his intention.  We had many years ahead of us where things could change.  But for now, I was thankful we had established a reasonable method of tracking this and neither of us were put off by the conversation.  That was certainly progress.

276 : Show Me the Money : Part 2

It went well.  I don't want to spend any more time thinking about this today.  I will elaborate tomorrow.

275 : Show Me the Money

Well an interesting discovery was made this week.  My Ex had earned his first bonus post divorce.  And since the boys and I were entitled to 28% of that, he delivered it to us right away.  The thing was, though, it was not exactly how I thought it was going to go down.  On Sunday when he brought the boys home after having them that weekend, he set down some cash on the counter and explained that was my cut.  He provided no context on how much the check was and I didn't even have a chance to count it right then.  I was caught off guard to say the least as the boys climbing all over me.  I thought the money would be deducted from his commission checks just like my child support was deducted from his regular pay checks.  He said no, but I was determined to look into it.  I called my dad later that night and inquired about how this worked and he agreed the money should be automatically deducted just like the rest of the child support.  As an attorney, that is how he set it up for his clients.  Okay, great.  I looked into my paper work from my attorneys and it did not appear to be set up that way.  Being the worrier I was, I stewed on this all night to the point that I had a stomachache from anxiety.  I reached out to my attorneys first thing the next morning to hopefully clarify the situation.  They explained to me that in the state of Illinois, you had to set the deduction to a specific dollar amount, not a percentage.  Therefore, there was no way to receive any bonus/commission check money automatically.  I would have to hope my Ex would be forthright with me every time he got a commission check and ask him to provide me with a copy of the check so I could verify the percentage.  Kill me now.  My biggest issue with him post divorce was dealing with financial matters.  As it was already, we had a very strict calendar (see post #262) that itemized when money was due and what amount and it was still often difficult at times to get that money from him (see post #227).  I asked my attorney about any way around this- I hated the fact that I had to enforce this.  I had no way of knowing even if/when he was getting a commission check, let alone the amount.  And knowing that this was the biggest area for growth in his salary over the next decade, it made me sick that I would have to just keep asking and tracking it all myself.  It seemed so simple, and yet there was nothing the law could do to automate what was rightfully mine.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to address this with him to see if we could agree to a system to work together.  But I was dreading that conversation.  Here I thought this was all behind me and now I had to go there again- even though it had been agreed to- to arrange how we'd handle this moving forward.  Now I just want to say, for the record, I didn't think my Ex was intentionally planning to withhold any money from me.  He said he wanted to do right by me and the boys (financially speaking) and I believed this to be true.  However, my experience to date was we both had a lot going on in our lives and it was just complicated to keep track of it all.  I could see something easily getting lost in the shuffle.  My attorneys offered the option that if it was easier- I could just get his W2s at the end of the year and request all the commission money at once, but I feared he would no longer have it if I did it that way.  Plus I could use the money now.  I felt sick just thinking about it.  I would see him that night and we'd have our discussion.  Fortunately I had a visit with my therapist that day to help prep me in advance.  To be continued...

274 : We All Feel It

I write this post today for all the single parents out there that feel the punishment every time their children go away with their other parent.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  I learned quickly that I didn't want to witness this.  It was painful.  Even nearly a year after my then husband moved out and 5 months after my divorce was official, it was still hard to watch.  Fortunately for me, we had an arrangement in which my nanny was usually there for the "exchange".  This way, I didn't have to see them leave.  But they made me pay for it upon their return.  I knew it must've been hard for them, too.  They were with me all week.  And then they were with me on the weekend.  Then the following weekend they would go with their dad.  Perhaps there was a grandparent visit in there, too. I felt bad sometimes about how much they were transported.  I mean, it was all to be with people that adored them, but it still made me feel bad none the less.  I worried that as soon as they were getting comfortable in one setting they were up and moved.  They were young and resilient, so I told myself they were okay (but I still felt bad). And the Sundays when they returned home after having spent the weekend with their dad or their grandparents were definitely tough.  Take this last weekend for instance.  They were happy to see me immediately, but they both cried a lot more than normal just within the couple hours they were with me before bed time.  Perhaps they were tired.  Okay, yes that happened.  It seemed, though, like it was more than that.  Sometimes I felt like they were punishing me for not being with them over the weekend.  I knew that was not necessarily the case, or in the very least a conscious choice but it felt that way just the same.  I had to remember to be extra rested, extra calm and extra patient for those Sundays - for all of our sakes.  I told myself not to take it personally when the meltdowns seemed greater than normal on those Sundays.  We all felt it.  And if we had to go through a couple rough hours to get back into our groove, then so be it.  I knew we'd always get to the other side.

273 : The Dinner Party

I attended a very mature dinner party this past weekend.  I say mature, because I've been getting together with this same group of friends for years now and almost every time we got rowdy and out of hand.  Sometimes there wasn't even dinner involved.  This time, though, it was different.  The host was my friend, The Don (see post #63) and she delivered far and above what I had expected.  The table was set and looked beautiful, the food was perfection and the wine was, well, ever present.  I was the only single one among a group of couples, and while I was aware of that, I never felt out of place.  We sat down to dine and once everyone had their plates dished up, the topic of parenthood came into play.  We all laughed about the many clichés that had proven to be true when you become a parent.  (Less sex and frequent talk of poop among other things).  Then someone asked what the biggest surprise was in becoming a parent?  It was interesting to hear the responses- both from the women and the men.  They were all true.  Every person's comment.  True and relatable.  I felt immediately supported and validated in all my efforts as a mom.  And what was even more interesting was that my challenges as a single mom, were very similar to the challenges of any mom.  Sure, I did have more on my plate in some ways, but my life would be very similar had I still been married.  I probably would've still felt tired all the time from the demands my children put on me, I would overanalyze my choices and I would still seek feedback and advice from my mom and other moms who were closer to it than any dad.  I enjoyed the comfort of knowing I was not in it alone.  I knew that at my core, but it was always nice to be reminded, especially over a glass of wine.

272 : Deep Thoughts on Sunday Morning

Everyone always says they like hard wood floors but actually I can't wait to have a house full of carpet someday.

271 : How Can I Stay Mad at You?

The other night, I attempted to be a super cool mom.  I ignored the rigid schedule we usually followed and after their doctor appointment that evening, I got my kids McDonalds for dinner.  Scoff if you will at that, but McDonalds was about as cool as you could get to a 3 year old.  If you recall, the last time I took my boys to the doctor (see post #180) it was a nightmare.  And so in order to prepare for this next appointment, I had to be upfront with my 3 year old.  You can totally reason with a 3 year old, right?  Of course!  I explained to him that we had to go to the doctor for his brother and I needed his cooperation.  I was depending on him to be a good listener and my helper while we were there.  I promised if he could do that for me, I would treat him to McDonalds that night.  That's all I had to say and he was on board.  And amazingly enough- it worked!  I mean I was able to hold the threat of McD's over his head successfully for the full hour and a half we were at the doctor.  We got home and the boys quickly changed into their pajamas, washed their hands and settled at their small table in front of the TV for an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  I sat back and indulged on my own McDonalds feast (no judgement, please) thinking what a cool mom I was that night.  We finished the show, got teeth brushed and headed to their room for what I thought was going to be a quick book and then lights out.  My oldest seemed tired- he settled in without a fight and even let me tuck him in.  When I finished the book, I began to say my good nights and creep out of the room.  And here is where it all began to go down hill.  My oldest son did not want to go to bed.  But we had discussed this, remember?  He agreed if I let him stay up, he would go right to bed when I said it was time.  The tantrum that erupted was far too long for one parent to endure alone.  It was painful and I no longer felt cool in any way.  This was why I kept them on a schedule!!!  Before I knew it, it was almost 10pm.  I finally conceded and agreed to let my son lay down in my bed.  But I was mad.  All I had wanted was a little time- maybe an hour- to unwind by myself.  Having spent my only free time of the day fighting with him, I gave in and called it a night myself.  I brushed my teeth and climbed in bed not engaging my son in any way.  It didn't matter though.  My son was so thrilled to be with me, he leaned in towards me and said: Mommy, I like how your mouth smells (the toothpaste).  How could I stay mad? I like how your mouth smells.  It might have been the funniest thing I had heard in a very long time.  I turned off the lights, shut my eyes and I am pretty certain I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

270 : I've Got An Angel...

I returned from LA Tuesday evening after being out of town for 5 days (see post #268).  I barely had time to unpack my suitcase, let alone relax before going back to work.  When I finally did get around to unpacking, I created 3 rather large piles of laundry which didn't move an inch from my floor because I knew I'd have the weekend to do it all.  I was tired from being on a different time zone for the previous 5 days.  I was also tired because I had jumped right back into work, then jumped right back into being at home.  Both of my boys were extra clingy in response to my absence over the previous 5 days, and it seemed like work was also demanding given I had been gone.  Last night I rushed home to grab both of my boys and head straight to the doctor for my youngest son's 18 month check up.  And that's when I saw it.  All three large piles of laundry that had accumulated on my floor where now washed and perfectly folded like a gap store.  The piles were sitting beautifully at the edge of my bed.  My Nanny.  I don't know how she did it.  I never asked this of her.  And I certainly never expected it.  In fact, my door was usually kept closed.  She had seen it though, and she had wanted to help.  I immediately gushed in gratitude - I could not believe what a relief this was to have it all done.  She dismissed the gesture as though it was nothing, but I know that she knew what it really meant.  It had been more than a gift.  She was an angel - my angel.

269 : Find Your Inner Strength

Yesterday, something very interesting happened at work.  I was in a meeting in one of the common areas of our office and I noticed a girl nearby was getting regular visitors at her desk  to console her.  I wasn't sure what was wrong and debated about asking.  And then right as my meeting ended, I was briskly taken to another and before I knew it, the day was nearly over.  Hours later, I found myself near that same girl's desk and I delicately made my way closer to inquire if everything was okay.  It wasn't.  Her boyfriend had broken up with her the day before.  He just told her he wasn't happy and that was it.  Now to be clear, this was not the interesting thing that had happened.  What was interesting to me, was how I responded to hearing the situation.  First of all, I told her that was exactly what my then husband did to me.  We both laughed at that.  My situation was entirely different than hers, but I still think she appreciated knowing she was not alone.  She asked me what I did to get over it?  And here is where it got interesting (to me at least).  I told her I went out and got really really drunk (see post #5) Then I pulled myself together.  I realized it wasn't a loss if someone didn't recognize my true value.  And then I turned towards the future and never looked back.  Okay, we all know I did look back from time to time, but you get the point.  I was proud of myself because I didn't even hesitate for 2 seconds when she asked me how I did it?  I knew exactly what to say.  And you know what?  I meant it.  I think she appreciated my words.  We had never talked that in-depth about our personal lives prior to this conversation.  At the end of the day, though, we were both just two women that wanted to be loved.  Rejection hurt, there was no denying that.  But I think I made her feel better to know that she would get through it.  And I personally was reminded of how strong I was and how far I had come.  I was glad I could be there to make anyone else feel better.  I was getting stronger.

268 : Home Sweet Home

Last night I returned from being out of town for nearly a week.  I had enjoyed my time out on production (see post #265 and #267).  It was an incredible experience and one that I would never forget.  I had to say, though, there was nothing better than the feeling I had walking into my home last night.  My boys were there, already in their pajamas giddy with excitement upon my return.  I was attacked with hugs and kisses.  My youngest squawked loudly with enthusiasm and my oldest couldn't get close enough to me.  I attempted to ease back into the typical routine offering snacks and a show as we weren't far away from their bed time.  I think they were a little too excited though. After a while, I got my youngest settled in bed and that just left my three year old.  Recently he seemed to require a little more in going to bed.  He wanted to watch a show.  And then he decided to change his pajamas.  Then there was usually a diaper.  And finally after multiple attempts to get him down, he just started begging for me to lay down with him.  This was usually the hardest part for me as I craved just a little time to myself.  Often I had not even eaten dinner yet by this time and I wanted to unwind a little on my own before bed.  And last night was no different.  I had just returned home.  I had to work the next day.  I had to unpack.  I was in no way settled.  But none of that really mattered last night.  There was nothing that could keep me away from my little guy.  So while I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet, I cuddled up next to my son and slowly drifted to sleep.  It was so good to be home.

267 : Awake Your Inner Artist

I was at a work outing last summer, enjoying a few adult beverages when one of the creatives told me I should go on their next shoot with them.  At the time, I don't think either of us really thought I would end up going, but it was certainly a fun idea.  I decided to take advantage of the festive mood and asked my boss that same evening.  She agreed whole heartedly it was a good idea. Knowing that what happens at parties often stays at parties, I wasn't sure if people would take this seriously.   And I wasn't sure if I was serious.  I had a lot on my plate right now.  I was working a single mom with 2 small children.  I didn't know if I would be able to coordinate the time out of town with my kids (or with work for that matter).  The old me probably would've just let the idea go because it was just one more thing to coordinate for myself on top of everything else.  But you know what?  New Year New Molly. So, I waited a couple weeks before approaching the topic again.  I went to my boss and she agreed it was still on.  Yes!  The shoot was in January, in California- what a perfect time to get out of the midwest.  We were going out there to cover a photo contest.  There were 8 contestants and 4 judges, and let me tell you the judges were cool.  All of them.  I found it to be so interesting how these 4 photographers were totally inspired by each other.  They challenged each other and pushed each other to be better.  They had such respect for one another and their craft.  It was truly motivating to watch.  It had been a long time since I had been that close to the creative product.  At times it felt like my job had become much more administrative than creative.  But just being around such a big production made me feel alive inside.  It felt good to be inspired, challenged and creative again.

266 : Enjoy the Perks

I'm not sure how often you my loyal readers travel for work, but I never do.  That's why when the opportunity came up, I jumped at the chance.  Let's be clear, this was not a vacation- it was a work trip.  But I'm such a nerd.  I've never been on production before and I was easily excited.  On my way to LA, I was upgraded to business class.  I was giddy over the space I had on the plane- I might as well have been traveling to Australia.  My seat reclined flat- yes flat- to a sleeping position.  I had movies and shows onDemand on the screen immediately in front of me.  As a single mom, who had little time to relax, that plane ride alone was incredible.  I watched 3 episodes of The Mindy Project and literally laughed out loud while I leisurely laid in my seat.  (Side note: I had never seen that show prior to the flight but I actually think it's funny).  After arriving at the hotel, we went to meet the judges of the photo contest we were filming.  Now I will say it again- I'm a nerd, but I was completely star struck.  All four of these judges were young, talented photographers and I felt like I was a child wanting to hang out with the cool kids.  Fortunately, they were all super nice, too.  When I got back to my room there was a bag of goodies from the production house- and I mean a ridiculous amount of lavish goodies-not just a bag of chips that you get as a wedding favor.  I had to admit, the perks were nice.  I didn't get to do this all that often - EVER- so I was going to enjoy it all while I could.

265 : Take an OOO

I am currently out of the office on production.  I will return tomorrow.

264 : I Think I Have a New Best Friend (A Love Letter to My Mom)

I am one of those lucky women who can say they have a wonderful relationship with their mom. Growing up, I just assumed everyone had this, but I know now that is not the case. Throughout my life, my mom has always been there for me. She has always encouraged me to believe in myself which is how I became the confident, strong woman I am today. She has been supportive and influential and has taught me the important things in life by her example. My mom can do it all. I’ve watched her take care of her own mother, my dad, my siblings and I and her grandchildren all within the same day. She is generous. Kind. Loving. And she can do it all – did I already say that? She is creative. She can cook. She can sew! I don’t think they make them like this anymore. I am lucky to have her for so many reasons- far more than I can articulate. When I got married, my mom gave me one piece of advice:

You are responsible for your own happiness.

She gave the same advice to my sister and my brother. She never wanted us to be dependent on our spouses for that happiness and she was right. In my case in particular, it was probably one of the best things she ever could have told me. We have always been close, but definitely grew closer when I started my own family.  Becoming a mother made me understand and appreciate the sacrifices my own mother made all the more.  And the investment. Aside from my then husband, there was nobody else in the world that was as invested in my children and my personal well being as my mom was. And still is for that matter. From the moment my son was born she was there. She asked all the questions. She let me gush about my kids again and again. She let me share far more details than one should express and she was just as interested every time. She adored them with the same intensity that I did. When my marriage began to fall apart, I found that I had support from everyone but nobody stood as tall by my side as my mom. We had always been in regular communication but suddenly we began talking daily. And even multiple times a day. Some days I needed to cry. Some days I needed to laugh. It never really mattered what I needed and I never had to explain myself. She was just there for me, no matter what. She listened. She validated my feelings. She gave me reassurance that things would eventually get better. She was more than just my mom, she had become my best friend.  I still had no idea what direction my life was headed in but I knew but I knew my mom was right: I was responsible for my own happiness.  I would find it.

263 : The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Parenthood.  At times, I felt like it was the most beautiful collection of the good, the bad and the ugly.  The good came in so many forms.  As did the bad.  And the ugly...well...that's where we will start.  The other morning my alarm went off at 7am and I was shaken from a very deep sleep.  Typically my older son was nestled next to me in bed (the good!), but as I looked over I noticed he was gone.  Had I been drugged last night?  No.  I had just gone to yoga, but the intensity of the class must've knocked me out.  I had slept so soundly and deeply, I felt challenged to move at that moment.  And then my son walked in my room and announced Look what I got mommy!  He raised his hand to show off the scissors (the bad) and sharp steak knife (the ugly!) he was carrying.  Here is where my referee move would've been ideal.  TIME OUT!  I was alarmed and had to snap to attention immediately.  I explained the inappropriateness of his actions and how scared I was in seeing him carrying that knife.  He could've been severely hurt.  He could've hurt me.  He could've hurt his brother.  My delivery must have been dead on because he surrendered the knife and scissors immediately and looked slightly nervous.  There was no giggling or running off (as he often reacted to my discipline) so I felt like he got it.  Ah, yes.  This was my life.  And then there was the bad.  The tantrums throughout the day - particularly the ones that had started around bed time as of late.  It took 5,6,7,8 and sometimes 9 attempts to get my son in bed.  Sometimes this was almost 2 hours long.  He would want something to eat right as it was time to go to bed.  Then he'd want a new pair of pajamas. And then water.  And then there was crying (it was my son that cried, although I wanted to more than once).  Finally...there was the good.  After the above said bed time struggle, I sat outside my son's room only to hear him quietly singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  It might have been the sweetest moment of my life to date.  It was amazing to me how such a small act could bring such joy into my life.  Hooray for the good!  I would still take it all, but it was the good that made it all worthwhile.

262 : Share A Calendar

Some advice given to me by a fellow divorcé friend was to set up a shared google calendar.  I wasn't sure at first that this would be necessary for my Ex and I.  We knew what our settlement agreement stated.  We both were "flexible" when we needed to be.  But then one day, I began to think about all the positive aspects of sharing the calendar and decided to move forward with it.  As a planner,  I liked to know what was ahead of me.  So I mapped out all our weekends for the next year.  This alone was awesome.  It was only January, but I could see what weekends I was without kids all the way in August in case I wanted to take a trip or make plans.  (I hadn't done this yet, but the fact that I COULD was incredible).  I also added the boys upcoming doctor appointments.  So now instead of having to call or text my Ex to share this information, I just added it to the calendar.  It's not like he ever attended these, but that was on him.  I would continue providing the dates no matter what.  I was already a believer in the calendar for those reasons alone.  And then there was the money situation.  There was a lot of exchanging of money for my Ex and I.  Or rather, there was a lot of money that he owed me.  Constantly.  Yes, the child support was directly taken out of his check, so this was never something I needed to track.  It came out every other friday, and the following Thursday it was deposited into my account.  The rest of the money was more challenging though.  He owed me money for our nanny.  He owed me money for school.  He owed me half of any activities (which I had graciously let go of for now, because he simply did not have it).  He owed me money for half of any medical bills.  And finally he owed me money for spousal support.  It's a lot to track even as I'm just listing it in this post.  He was not good at communicating with me the status of the money.  So if something was due on the 15th (the school payment for instance, which was automatically taken from me account), I'd go all day without hearing from him- no proactive message about why the money might be late or status or anything.  Just no word.  So I would end up having to ask for the money.  I hated this part.  I will say that again.  I hated having to ask for the money.  It almost made me more mad to ask for it than to just not get the money.  So that was when I decided to document all the financial exchanges for both of us.  I noted when payments were due and how much they were on our shared calendar.  Yes, my Ex should have had this information, but I wanted something for us both to reference.  He acted appreciative when I put it all on there, although it didn't change things.  I still always had to ask for the money but at least I had something to track with.  We had an agreement, I would continue to follow it.  And the calendar was just one more tool to help me get there.

261 : I Can See the Sun

The past year had been one of soul searching, reflection and a significant amount of personal growth.  A lot had changed in my life and I was doing my best to adjust.  There were some things, though, that would never change.  One of which was my need to have plans to look forward to.  Particularly during the winter when the cold weather and gray skies seemed to overpower any good that was in one's life.  I had identified the need to book a vacation during the winter years ago and followed through every year since.  Two years ago, my Ex and I went to Mexico for a long weekend.  I was pregnant at the time with our second child.  The trip was totally relaxing - all we did was eat, read and sleep the entire time.  Little did I know that just 10 months later he would abandon me, but I digress.  Last year I went to Hilton Head with my family (see post #29).  That trip was a huge turning point in my emotional recovery last year.  It was the beginning of a shift where I actually began to accept what was happening in my life.  This year I was doing something a little different.  That's right, I had a getaway coming in the near future but it was for work.  Now this was not the typical vacation that I planned, but I was still excited because I would get warm weather and sunshine.  I was attending a shoot for work, which technically I had no responsibility for, but rather was going as a learning opportunity.  And I was looking forward to this, too.  Not only would it be fun there, it would also be some professional benefit in my attending this that could be applied moving forward.  So my days would be guided by someone else's schedule and there would not be much down time, but I didn't care.  Sunshine.  Warm weather.  Professional growth.  Free.  What more was there to say?

260 : Why Would Anyone Choose Divorce?

Last night, I attempted to put my children to bed as per our usual routine.  I got home from work and we put pajamas on.  Then we had a little snack and watched a show.  We brushed teeth and I got my younger son settled in bed.  Then after the show, I spent some time reading to my older son and then got him settled in bed.  They shared a room, so this made it tough for the actual going to sleep part- especially at this age.  My youngest would cry when he saw his brother wasn't going to bed yet and my oldest would cry when it was his time to go into the room (usually waking up the youngest).  I tried various ways to tweak the routine and I started earlier almost every night because it seemed as though lately it had been taking longer and longer each night.  Last night, though, for some reason, I began to feel very frustrated that I was doing this all alone.  It was this reason, among many others, that left me feeling very puzzled about why anyone would willingly choose divorce over a partnership.  When my Ex had brought the boys home this past weekend, he expressed the difficulty he'd had in getting my oldest to bed at night.  Yup.  That was what I dealt with 6 nights a week, so I was familiar. He, however, was not.  It seemed like my kids typically behaved like perfect little angels when they were with their dad.  Or at least that was what he usually reported.  They were angels in my eyes for sure, but they did not behave as such for me all the time.  They tested me.  They challenged me.  Last night, for instance, it was 8pm and  I had yet to eat dinner because I was still fighting with my 3 year old about going to sleep.  I agreed to lay down with him, thinking this would help but while I lay there, all I kept thinking is Why would anyone choose divorce?  Now I should note a couple things here following that statement.  I recognize that my opinion might be a very limited perspective on the situation.  I'm sure there were plenty of reasons to pursue a divorce.  Since I had not been the one to want a divorce though, I could not fully understand all of those reasons.  I should also add that I had accepted my situation and I was no longer missing my Ex or wanting to be with him in any way. I did, however, think that a partnership was the preferred method from all fronts.  Financially for instance.  Instead of building 1 life together, we were now forced to take our same incomes as when we were married and divide them over 2 different households.  We both must've felt the pinch there, as I'm sure every divorced parent did.  There were challenges emotionally, too.  My boys had just started crying and asking for their dad at times of struggle or conflict.  It was painful to hear.  Every time.  And I knew they did the same to my Ex.  They told him they wanted mommy.  I knew that had to hurt his feelings, even if he hadn't expressed as much.  And then there was always the time factor.  Instead of doing things together and supporting one another, we now each had to do everything on our own.  I craved having a reliable partner to divide and conquer with.  Or to have my back.  Instead, I had to split my time, attention and physical presence among both boys nearly at all times.  It was very tough, I'm not going to lie.  So why not just try to make things work?  I could acknowledge that what had happened between my Ex and I was for the best (not at first, but I could now).  But I still couldn't understand why anyone would choose this.  I had accepted it, but I never chose it.  That was the difference.   I  wanted the next person I was with to be willing to tough it out.  I wanted them to want to fight for me.  For us.  I wanted to know that even if we were very very mad at each other for a minute, we would still always be there for one another.  I knew what my choice would be moving forward.

259 : A Shocking Realization

I was leisurely hanging out at home on Friday night when I came to a shocking realization.  I couldn't be certain, but I think I was now the target audience for Friday night television.  When did this happen?  I remember a time when Friday nights were for going out.  I know at one point, I actually thought- why would they put that show on Friday nights?  Nobody's home on Friday nights!  And now, I was their primary audience.  I loved nothing more than to come home from work, take my bra off (immediately!) put on comfy pants, order food, pour a glass of wine and just settle into the couch.  Was that so wrong?  Was that why my husband left me?  Don't answer that, actually.  I mean, yes, I did socialize from time to time.  But that had become the exception, not the norm.  Even when I was married, we would usually just plan something for 1 night on the weekend - and most likely it was Saturday.  We'd stay in on Fridays and watch a movie or catch up on a television series from DVR or OnDemand.  I was tired from the long week- I needed to relax.  Did men not get tired, too?  When I had been home over the holidays, I started to get into regular Friday night TV.  And by 'regular', I mean basic cable and not HBO, Showtime, etc.  I watched Shark Tank and Blue Bloods with my dad. I watched Fashion Police with my mom.  The realization, though, was not about watching the same shows as my parents.  Perhaps that was a different blog post for another day.  I think what was so crazy to me, was that I was enjoying watching prime time television on a Friday night.  After I got home this past Friday and rejoiced in my article publication (see post #208 and #258) I turned on the TV only to learn that I had missed half of Shark Tank.  And you know what?  I was disappointed about it.  Then I noticed every other commercial was for Match.com.  Was someone playing a sick joke on me?  I pictured a group of advertisers sitting in a room going over the demographic for Friday night TV-  single mom in her mid to late 30s...just enjoying a little sauvignon blanc after her long week.   Well if that was the truth, they had me pegged.  Thinking about all of this made me laugh although I had to own it.  There was nothing to be ashamed of, right?  That reminded me, I'd have to set my DVR to start recording Shark Tank moving forward.

258 : Acknowledge Yourself

I am officially a published author.  Yes, it's true.  As I wrote about a while back, I had submitted an article to a local publication and it was selected (see post #208 !!)  I was humbled and elated when I learned this news but nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of receiving my "author's copies" in the mail.  I came home after work on Friday, checked my mail as per usual and nearly leapt out of my skin when I saw the large white envelope from a certain publication.  I poured myself a glass of wine and sat down to rip open the package like a giddy child.  I knew every word by heart, but there was something entirely different reading it printed for the whole world to see.  I felt overjoyed!  Reading the article made me curious about some of my other older posts.  So I topped off my wine and settled in the couch for a look back at where I had been.  It was obvious to me immediately the transformation that had taken place just since I started this blog.  It was clear that I was still finding my way emotionally and as a writer in my initial posts.  I was sad.  Hurt.  Weaker.  And then as my posts went on, I could begin to hear confidence returning in my tone.  I could feel my strength through the words.  I could tell that I can grown quite a bit over the past year.  I knew it was probably a shameless plug to call out how proud I was of myself on my own blog, but it was true.  Everyone needed acknowledgement from time to time (even if it was just from yourself).  I had put myself out there in the most real and vulnerable way possible.  I was documenting my journey of personal growth and discovery over the past year.  I felt proud of the publication in particular, but also the blog as a whole.  So I had been published. What would be next?

257 : To Liz: The Cousin I Never Met

When my husband first abandoned me, just one year ago, I was completely devastated.  I could not comprehend that someone could do this to another person.  Their partner of all people.  And yet, the more I opened up about it, the more I learned that this type of behavior was not all that uncommon.  My mom would tell me about a friend of a friend's daughter who was completely abandoned by her husband and now was also raising their children on her own.  It seemed like the more it was talked about, the more I realized that this happened.  A lot.  Let's be clear, that does not in any way condone this behavior.  I feel strongly that marriage is a big commitment, one that takes constant attention, flexibility and refining by both partners.  However, it seemed that many other people out there took this commitment far less lightly.  Take the cousin Liz situation for instance.  No, she was not my cousin but the cousin of a friend and colleague of mine.  After I finally returned to work (see post # 43) I began to share my story with my coworkers.  I wasn't asking for sympathy and I wasn't offering an explanation.  But for some, the few that actually inquired about it, I shared the very private details about what had happened.  And for one friend and colleague in particular, I learned quickly that he was aware of my situation.  He was seeing it firsthand with his cousin.  As I recall she was married a short while and had become pregnant (by choice!) when her husband suddenly became unsure of their commitment.  He bailed.  Just as my Ex husband had bailed on me.  I felt horrible in hearing this story.  How dare he do this to her.  She was just on the verge of creating the most magical thing one could experience in life and her husband bailed.  I did not even know Liz.  But I knew she deserved better.  My friend and I were talking about it one night and I provided my thoughts on the situation.  The next year would be hard just as it would for anyone having a baby.  Partner or not, the first year was intense.  There were physical challenges.  Sleep deprivation.  And emotional roller coasters that were beyond comprehension.  This was normal.  Totally and completely normal.  But she would get through it.  She would meet the most amazing little person she had even known that would melt her heart time and time again.  She would eventually get a good night's sleep again.  And she would after a while, find herself throughout this whole thing.  I expressed how as difficult as it must be for this to be happening at this moment, that as someone who had just experienced a similar situation with young kids- the timing might just be for the best.  I was told my insight on the matter was good which is why I chose to post this one today.  It was weird how just a year ago, I had been struggling to accept the hand I had been dealt and now I was offering advice to the next person with confidence.  It felt strange, but good.  And right.  It was possible to conquer.  I had done it.  Liz would do it, too.

256 : My Life : A Work in Progress

So I was redoing my bedroom for a fresh start to the new year (see post #246).  My bed frame had arrived last weekend.  My bedding came 2 days ago and I had purchased new lamps that same evening.  And finally my bed side tables had arrived last night.  I got my kids in bed and poured myself a big glass of wine while I sat down to assemble my bed side tables.  The bedding came out of the wash and I was ready to make my new bed up.  I got the bed side tables situated on both sides and put the matching lamps in place.  I stood back and smiled proudly at the sight before me.  I grabbed my phone to take a picture of it to text to some friends.  And then before doing so, I stopped.  I still didn't have lamp shades yet.  I had my lamps, but I hadn't found shades that I liked yet, so I didn't have them.  And the bed side tables.  I liked them, but they were a little shorter than I had thought.  Would I keep them?  Was it that they were too short or was it just that they were different?  Also, I wanted a couple more patterned throw pillows as decoration.  The room wasn't done.  I couldn't send the pic out yet.  And then I stopped to think about the metaphor of how this room compared to my life itself.  I thought my life had been "complete" once I had met my then husband.  I thought we were on a path.  I thought when I had my first son that this would be my family forever.  I thought I would never feel as close to anyone as I did to my husband when my son was born.  I thought when my second son arrived that again this was my new and improved family.  I thought I would be having a third child with this same man within a couple years after having my second.  I never anticipated the dramatic change that had occurred in my life over the past year.  I never expected to be redoing my bedroom, alone.  But my life wasn't over.  Sure, it was changing but it was certainly not over.  Every point that I had thought was officially established had turned out to be just a stepping stone to something else.  I looked around my room and realized the same was true here.  The moment I got this room designed to perfection would be exactly when it was time to move and adjust again to a new space.  And then who knew how long I would be there before another door opened?  I decided to go ahead and post my pic of the room tonight, because looking at it made me feel very happy.  And since life had proved to be a never ending work in progress, I figured I might as well just stop for a minute to enjoy this.

255 : Be Brave

I think I have a new anthem.  I'm not sure if this is new to the world really or just new to me.  Cut me some slack already, I'm a single mom who works full time.  I can't keep up with what's popular with the kids on the radio these days.  So perhaps I'm late to this party.  But it seemed like everywhere I turned lately, I would find Sara Bareilles.  A friend had given me a CD compilation with some of her music on there.  And then I saw her on Chelsea Lately.  Finally, just last weekend she was on a segment on my favorite weekend program: CBS Sunday Morning.  It was all about her new song, Brave.  I had heard parts of the song before but something about watching the story that Sunday morning gave me goosebumps.  The song almost made me feel like I was going to cry.  And I'm not talking a sad cry, either.  I'm talking a powerful, feel good cry.  It was inspirational in all the right ways.  I had to buy it that day.  It was good to have a new anthem with such positive undertones as I began the new year.  Just a year ago I was getting really really wasted (see post #5) and singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs (see post #10) not that there was anything wrong with that but...things were different now.  I loved this song.

254 : Bubbles to the Rescue

Whoever says they like January in Chicago is lying to you.  I mean yes, the month of January brings a fresh start to the new year.  College bowl games.  Perhaps a renewed interest in working out or eating better.  But other than that, come on.  It was freezing here.  Literally.  Our family had been plagued with colds since Christmas and so when I realized I was about to endure a weekend with both boys by myself and we were all sick- I was slightly terrified.  Being trapped indoors just made the weekend so much longer.  For all of us.  I did my best on Saturday to surrender control and just let my boys have a good time.  At 9am they had already exhausted every toy in the house and needed something new.  So they tore apart the couch and did cannonballs onto the pillows.  This was satisfying for a good 15 minutes, which I must say was impressive.  Then my youngest took a nap so my oldest and I decorated cards to be used as thank you's for our holiday gifts.  At 10:30 my new bed was delivered (see post #246) and my oldest was mesmerized with the men assembling it.  In fact, I had to wake up my youngest to watch the action because I didn't want him to miss out.  They left by 11 and I thought baths would be a good next activity.  The boys like pretending they were swimming.  And so we had made it to lunch.  Hooray!  Now I only had naps and then a few hours until bed time.  I had this.  Naps were a success (for all 3 of us) and we woke up with a snack and a show.  Now here was where it got tricky.  Though only 2 hours from dinner to bed, those 2 hours tended to feel LONG.  Very very long.  The boys broke into my kitchen and took all my pots and pans out to be used in their play kitchen.  (Again, I surrendered).  And just when I thought we were all about to lose it- my oldest discovered the bubble machine under the sink.  It had been forgotten about and batteries needed to be replaced but within a few minutes it was up and running.  You would have thought this thing was spitting out more than bubbles.  Both of my boys giggled and jumped around catching the bubbles for probably 45 minutes.  I kid you not.  I thought I was a goner and then the bubbles saved the day!  It was genius!  And yet so simple.  Seeing my kids burst with smiles and laughter over such a simple treat just reminded me once again how lucky I was.  They were both happy kids.  They were healthy.  They were all boy (see cannonball reference earlier).  And I loved them so much.  So what if it was only Saturday and we had another whole day to survive before going back to work.  We'd get there.  We'd get there together.

253 : Resolve

I'm not perfect.  I know this.  I am who I am and I think I accept that for the most part.  I like myself in fact.  But there are always things- some big, some small, that I'd like to improve upon.  For 2014, I made a resolution that I was going to stop allowing myself to get angry with my Ex.  This wasn't the only thing I had resolved to do in the new year, but this was definitely one that I had really noted to myself as an area of improvement.  It happened a lot.  He'd say something that would just rub me the wrong way.  Or he'd do nothing but the fact that he was my Ex and I still had to deal with him would aggravate me to no end.  The purposes of my resolution had nothing to do with him - it was entirely for me.  I didn't want to be that person.  I didn't like being angry or unhappy.  It's not like I felt this way all the time, but I did feel it.  It wasn't all consuming and I wasn't walking around mad at the world.  He just bothered me.  Or should I say I let him bother me.  And I don't mean in a heart broken way, either.  I mean - you are such a selfish mother f**ker.  I think I hate you - kind of way. Even if I never said it to anyone and it just went through my head when I saw him.  I really wanted to rid myself of those thoughts in 2014.  I knew this would be hard and I knew it might not even happen entirely.  But I felt it was good to have a goal like this for myself.  Let's start the year off right.  Fresh.  Happy.  And then my Ex brought my kids back to me on new years day.  Our exchange was short but pleasant.  This was good.  That's when he said it.

Let's hope 2014 is a better year for both of us.

Anyone that doesn't know my Ex might think that is a nice thing to say.  And perhaps he meant it that way.  I just could not believe he had the audacity to say that to me.  Me of all people.  The thoughts than ran rapid through my mind at that moment were far from pleasant.  So it was only day 1 into the new year and I had already failed on one of my resolutions.  I would keep trying.  And well, there was always 2015.

252 : Take a Snow Day

Literally.  The city is shutdown.  More to come tomorrow.

251 : To My Wonderful Sister

Okay, I'm going to state one of the more shallow disappointments that comes with divorce.  You don't get presents anymore.  I mean yes, you get a few little things- things you need- but that one person who likes to spoil you and get you what you want is no longer in your life.  Thus, you don't get presents.  I guess I was already in the middle of my divorce when I had a birthday last year- maybe I noticed it then?  I'm not sure.  If I did, I don't recall.   However, I was aware of it this year for Christmas.  Now don't get me wrong- if you didn't read my holiday blogs, please go back and do so (see posts #237 - 241)  I had a wonderful holiday.  I could not have asked for a better holiday.  I felt mentally healthy the entire time which is about the best thing you can hope for post divorce during the holidays.  But if I'm being honest here (which I can be because it's my blog) I was aware that I wasn't going to be getting anything special from someone for Christmas.  You don't really get presents anymore when you are divorced.  It's just a fact that most people don't share openly, so I'm putting it out there.  Okay.  So we've covered that.  Well, fortunately for me- I still had someone special who was thinking about me and bought me something that I really wanted this year:  my sister.  I'm not even sure how I shared the information with her.  I know we were on the phone one day leading up to Christmas and I was probably trying to do too much while my kids were squealing in the background.  She was definitely trying to do too much with similar chaos at a distance.  This seemed to be how most of our phone conversations went these days.  Neither of us having much time to talk, but wanting to touch base so the calls tended to be somewhat hectic.  I recall rambling off a couple things I wanted for Christmas uncertain if she was even listening, but most certainly not expecting anything from her.  We didn't exchange presents anymore- the focus had shifted to the kids.  But my sister who certainly had a full plate to balance as a mother, wife, doctor and social butterfly must have noted the boots I mentioned during that call because she got them for me for Christmas.  My first Christmas.  Post Divorce.  When you realize for the first time that you no longer get gifts.  I received a gift.  I didn't know how she did it all.  And I most certainly didn't know how I could thank her enough.  The woman had it all.  A great husband.  Three healthy and wicked smart kids.  A thriving career.  And yet she made it all look completely effortless.  My mom and I had even discussed how easy going and casual she was about all of us invading their house unexpectedly when we lost power (see post #238).  We both wished we could be as 'go with the flow' as my sister was.  And now she had just celebrated her 40th birthday this past week and I knew there was nothing I could really give her in return that would mean nearly as much.  The only thing I could think of that would come even close, were my words.

So, here's to my wonderful sister.  Happy Birthday!  I hope you had an amazing dinner last night.  You impress me with how you make it all look so easy.  And my god, you make 40 look good!  Thank you for your kindness, generosity and loving support every day.  I am so very thankful for you.

250 : The Single Mom Version of the Penis Talk

It begins for boys at a very young age.  A very very young age.  Their obsession with their penis.  I can hardly even type that word without giggling a little.   It's immature, yes I know.  But still, I giggle just the same.  Before I was a mom, I had no idea about this.  I mean, I knew that boys liked to play around with it, but I didn't comprehend to what extent.  And I had no idea how young it started.  Both of my boys had baby boners.  It shocked the hell out of me the first time I saw it- again, I had heard this happened, but they were literally babies!  And then it seemed like as soon as they could actually grasp anything, their hands just went there.  Every time.  Just try changing a diaper without a hand instantly clamping down on the little wee.  It's not going to happen.  Most recently, my youngest had started saying 'pee pee'.  He would say it when he went to the bathroom, but it was also in reference to his unit.  I know for certain that my oldest never grabbed his crotch and called it out by name at 17 months, but each child was special in their own way I guess:)  I was going through the bedtime routine the other evening and was trying to get both of my boys in their pjs.  They were both a little rowdy- they had been cooped up inside for almost a week while the colds were fighting their way through their little bodies.  I nearly had to pin down my youngest so I could change his diaper.  And then began our first mother to son(s) penis talk.  He grabbed himself and announced proudly PEE PEE.  This caught my oldest's attention.  Perhaps he had not realized prior to that moment that he was not the only one with a pee pee. Or maybe he was just curious in general, but he crouched down by my youngest and repeated PEE PEE.  And then my oldest said he wanted to touch my youngest's pee pee.  It was innocent enough but I had to respond quickly and NOT LAUGH!  I told my oldest to get back a little (he was very close) and that pee pees were private and we didn't touch other people's privates.  So then he asked if he could touch his own pee pee?  Yes.  And then he asked if he could touch my pee pee?  No.  I thought it might be too much to explain at that moment that I didn't have a pee pee, so I just left it at NO.  He seemed satisfied with that answer and then went on to state all possibilities of interacting with anyone else's pee pee and how he could not touch it, but he could touch his pee pee.  Yes.  And then he suddenly wanted fruit snacks and that was the end of our first penis talk.  I laughed to myself thinking of all the good penis talks we still had in front of us.  I might have to do some research on this one.

249 : Take a Chance

So I had been asked out recently (see post #229) and agreed to go out on a date.  The guy was a good guy.  A nice, genuine, all around good guy.  He was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable around him.  But something just wasn't there for me.  I can't explain it any other way.  I just didn't have those feelings.  I know, I know - sometimes it took a couple dates to get those feelings.  This was not that case here though.  I just knew.  I had a good time with him on the date, but I knew with certainty it would never develop into anything beyond a friendship.  I felt disappointed that night.  Not so much that it hadn't been a nice evening (it had!) more just disappointed with myself.  I wanted to like him.  I wanted to be excited about going out with him.  A friend had even asked me that day prior to our date (Was I excited?)  and I had to answer honestly.  No.  To be fair, I was in no way dreading it either- I just didn't know what I was feeling towards him yet so I wasn't exactly excited.  And then when my instinct was confirmed that I didn't really feel that way about him, I just felt disappointed with myself.  Would I ever get to a point that I actually felt excited about a guy again?  I'm not talking about a serious relationship, I'm just talking feeling excited about someone.  My god, I certainly hoped so!  I started to dissect the situation far more than I needed to and then something occurred to me.  In my younger days, I would not have even gone out with this guy.  I wouldn't have ever considered it could turn into something if my gut said otherwise.  And so maybe I was right this time, but I still tried.  I still said yes, and put myself out there and took a chance that it could be something.  I hadn't lost anything in my efforts.  In fact, I may have even grown closer with someone who would stay a friend in the future.  I didn't know if I would ever feel butterflies in my stomach again or fall hard for someone else.  But I knew that by putting myself out there, there was a chance that I would.  It was okay that I didn't feel it this time.  It was worth the possibility.

248 : Watch Your Alma Mater Win the ROSE BOWL!

Michigan State won the 100th Rose Bowl last night.  Michigan State!  WON!  The Rose Bowl!  For the first time in 26 years!  There really wasn't much to say, other than what an awesome victory for MSU and what a wonderful way to start off the new year.  I wore my oversized T shirt around the apartment last night trying to focus on the game while my 2 little people were running all over the joint.  They were excited to be home after spending 5 days with their dad.  I made delicious 'tailgate sandwiches' for us - thinking that since I was the mother of 2 boys, it was important I know how to cook for a big football game.  And surprisingly, both boys liked them!  Another win that night:)  With the final minutes counting down, both boys climbed on my lap and the 3 of us watched together.  I didn't plan it that way, they just somehow both knew.  And then my boys started fighting over the 1 Michigan State baseball hat that we had in the house (my youngest eventually winning!)  It was such a cute moment.  It was definitely a different family memory than I had ever expected to have, but I was thankful to share it with them.  I was already noting how I would tell them one day years down the road, how they were 1 and 3 when they first saw Michigan State win the Rose Bowl.  We were all sick with nasty colds, but I let them stay up to watch the end of the game.  And then we all celebrated, jumping up and down and dancing around.  If this victory was any indication of what 2014 was going to look like, then I think we were going to have a good year.  A very good year.

247 : Happy New Year

I took my own advice and wrote a letter to my future self (see post #243).  I thought about doing this privately, but then realized I've shared so much of my private life here in the past year, it only felt right to continue to do so.  (Also, if I didn't post it here then I may not actually do it.  At least this way, I'm accountable!)

December 31, 2013

Dear Molly,

I'm writing this letter to you on New Year's Eve 2013.  The past year has been shitty as I'm sure you recall.  But you've held yourself together and moved forward with dignity and grace.  Always be proud of that.  I write this now as an exercise for the future.  I want to note what it is I want and hope to have 2 years from now.  Hopefully that is when you actually read this.

My hope is that by this time you are settled in a new home.  Currently, we live in an apartment on Western and both you & the boys are ready for more space (both), a yard (the boys) and a fresh start (you).  Whether you are renting or a home owner, I hope the place feels like home.  I hope you are happy there and have already created some new memories.

I also hope you feel proud and satisfied with where you are professionally.  Life is too short for anything else.  I know your job will never define you but you are also very good at whatever you do.  You are driven and ambitious.  I hope you feel valued in whatever role you are currently in.

I hope you still love being a mother and watching your boys grow.  I know it can be hard at times - especially doing it all alone- but I hope you still stop to take in all the magical moments around you.  Those boys are lucky to have you!  You are raising strong, confident, well adjusted young men. Again, feel proud of this as it's no small task.

I hope you are more than just a mother these days.  Meaning:  I hope you have someone special in your life who sees your true value.  I really hope it's a serous relationship- perhaps you are even remarried by now.  Regardless, I hope it's a partnership built on trust and understanding, mutual interests and values, acceptance and dedication to your children and above all else: unconditional love.  Please never forget you deserve all of this.  You deserve the butterflies in your stomach, 'can't live without you' love and a partner who is reliable and present in your life.  If you don't have this yet, I hope you haven't gotten cynical or given up on the possibility.  It will happen at some point.  Don't forget that.

I hope you've become desensitized to the word 'divorce', to your Ex in general and to what happened in the past year.  He's not worth your pain, your irritation or your anger.  What happened was not your fault and I don't want you to lose any more of yourself than you already have.  

Finally, I hope that you still know who you are.  I hope you are confident in your decisions.  I hope that you can trust yourself again.  You are a wonderful person who deserves all of this and more.

Love,

Molly