33 : Do Something a Little Crazy

Okay, so everyone's 'a little crazy' is different.  Mine is very PG rated as my blog has been so far (come on, my mom is my biggest fan!)  But still readers- bear in mind what your personal limitations are and proceed accordingly.  My something crazy was very innocent.  I was talking to Megs one night about who I would date in the future.  It was one of those totally fictional conversations- obviously- my husband had just left me and I was trying to do whatever I could to stay positive!  We sorted through names of men from our past, we touched on celebrities of interest and then somehow we started talking about a guy who was once on The Bachlorette.  Yes, I can admit it- I had a crush on one of the guys from The Bachlorette.  We began brainstorming about all the ways I could attract his attention and make him fall madly in love with me.  I mean, I had never met this guy and he lived in another state but surely he would want to date me, right?  Who wouldn't want a (SKINNY!) recent divorcée, mother of two in her late 30's? We got off the phone that night and agreed to continue our strategizing later.  The next day, I found myself thinking about it again.  There must be a way to get to this guy.  He had to be on online somewhere.  Maybe I could find him that way?  Bingo!  One quick search and there he was.  I send a friend request without hesitation and instantly felt that nervousy/excited feeling you got in the 7th grade when an 8th grade boy thought you were cute.  Day 1- no response.  Day 2 - still nothing.  Day 3 - okay so maybe this was a little crazy, right?  Day 4 - I didn't really think I'd hear from him, did I?  Day 5 - How many days has it been?  I'm not counting.  So, I stopped counting.  And then one morning I woke up to find that my request had been accepted.  HOLY SMOKES!  He accepted my request.  At 11 something on a Saturday night, too.  He was looking at me online on a Saturday night!!  Now I should add here that I am a bit of a social media virgin so while this may not seem like a big deal to all you face bookers, tweeters, my spacers, you tubers, gamers and chat room people- this was a big deal for me.  Yippy!  I have a new contact!  To be cool, I waited a while (maybe a day) before reaching out to him directly.  I sent him a very innocent, but cute and flirty email introducing myself.  It was short and sweet but also playful and witty. (I know it was all of those things because I read it to Megs before I sent it and she totally agreed).  And then I waited.  Within the hour he responded.  His response was shorter than mine but he acknowledged me (a complete stranger) and was nice and made a joke.  That was it.  That was all.  That was my something crazy.  Just a little mild flirtation with a total stranger who lives in another state that I will never probably meet or talk to again. But it was fun and gave me a little boost.  It gave me the butterflies for that 30 seconds that I saw his response pop up in my inbox.  That was enough for me.  Still got it!

32 : Save for a Rainy Day

Save for a Rainy Day.  

This was one of my dad's infamous phrases growing up.  It took me years to really grasp what it meant.  (I mean, I knew what it meant, but I didn't always choose to live by it.)  In my younger days, I had often turned to retail therapy at a time of distress.  I'd treat myself to a new shirt, coat, pair of jeans or all of the above courtesy of my friend VISA.  It felt so good to buy something new which would be immediately followed by the feeling of extreme guilt (uh...I couldn't afford all of that).  It would've been so easy to fall apart in this situation.  My husband left me.  If ever there was a time I deserved to treat myself a little, surely it was now, right?  Well, no.  It wasn't just about me anymore.  I had two little boys who needed me now.  I couldn't fall apart.  I needed to save.  I was getting a divorce and in case you weren't aware, divorce is really f**king expensive.  I became very conscious of how I was spending my money.  I made my meals at home (which worked nicely with my WW program - see post #18).  I limited my extracurricular activities.  I made due with what I had in my closet.  This was my rainy day and I needed to be ready for it.  It wouldn't be like this forever.  I knew that I would get through it and eventually the sun would shine again.

31 : Start Your Book

Okay readers- whether you like me or not, you have to admit I've got a story to tell.  I don't even think my husband (soon to be ex) could deny that.  I started this blog to help me process and work through my different emotions.  In doing so, I also found that I really enjoyed writing.  For years I've said that I wanted to write a book, but I could never generate the story or find the motivation to do it.  And then my husband left me.  The months that followed were very painful but also provided the inspiration I needed.  I started writing.  I didn't work on it every day, but I was writing.  Getting the words out felt good.  It helped me to process the situation.  It helped me to feel more comfortable with the change in direction that my life was taking.  I didn't know if I would ever finish it (I liked to think I would!) but at least I started.  Only time would tell.

30 : Appreciate Your Girlfriends

There are the type of women who understand the importance of friendship and the type that don't.  I've always been in the first camp.  It began when I was in the 2nd grade.  I met a girl who lived down the street and we were instantly best friends.  Within a few years, her family moved across the country but we always kept in touch.  She remains one of my best friends today.  I don't know why or how I became this way, but I've always made my friendships a priority.  It's been easy too, because they have always done the same for me.  We have some sick attachment to each other.  A bond greater than that of any man.  (Well, different at least).  When I got married, I had 10 bridesmaids stand up in my wedding - and I probably could've had more.  How ridiculous, right?  I know, I know.  10 is a bit over the top.  But if you knew my friends, you would understand immediately.  They are more than just my friends, they are my family.  Most of these women I've known since middle school.  We stayed close through high school and then through college.  In college, a few more joined our circle. Over the years, we've been through a lot together including our happiest and lowest times.  Illness.  Miscarriage.  Engagement.  Engagement called off.  Marriage.  Divorce.  Babies.  Job Changes.  Moves to the city.  Moves from the city.  Seems like all the biggest moments of my life involved these women.  I used to think that everyone had friends like I do, but as I get older I see it's not true.  We would do anything for each other.  And I know, because it's been tested many times.  At the lowest point in my life, it was these women that picked me up off the ground.  They helped me take care of myself. They made me laugh.  They took turns taking me in.  They fed me.  They got me really REALLY drunk (see post #5). They helped with my kids.  They gave me the most precious commodity of all : their time.  And I don't see this ever changing.  Life will continue to move on.  I will eventually get remarried to a great man (preferably tall, wildly successful and with a thick head of hair) but it will still be my girlfriends who will always get me.  They will be the ones to make me laugh. They will be the ones to cry with me when I'm in pain. They will understand my frustrations and sympathize with my stresses.  In the end, when I outlive said new husband I will still move to the retirement home with Megs and we will wear our matching sweatsuits for our morning walks.  And I can't wait.

29 : Take a Vacation

A few months after my marriage began to unravel, I took a vacation.  I was already taking a break from work (see post #6) but being at home in my (our) apartment was still tough.  Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of him and our life together.  I needed a break.  I needed a change of scenery.  I needed to get the hell out of there.  Fortunately, I already had a vacation with my family on the books.  My parents were kind enough to adjust their plans to travel with my boys and I.  (How does a single mom fly with a 2 year old and a 9 month old by herself?!?)  While I was anxious to get out of town, there was a part of me that was a little nervous about the trip.  This would be the first family gathering that would just be me.  Alone. I knew I shouldn't care about that at this time, but I must admit, I did.  My sister and her husband would be there with their kids.  My brother and his wife would be there.  My mom and dad.  And then just me and my boys...no husband.  I'm not suggesting that my family would make me feel uncomfortable in any way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it at all.  I feared that spending the week with everyone else and their perfect relationships would make me feel worse about my own life and what was happening.  I could not have been more wrong.  The trip was great.  Wonderful, in fact.  It was almost amazing what the change of environment did for me mentally.  I think I grew a little stronger every day I was there.  I had fun with my family.  I enjoyed the time with my kids.  I began to feel sorry for my husband that he was no longer going to be a part of this incredible family and how sad for him that he would miss out on us.  The time away helped me to view the situation with some clarity.  I was going to be fine.  It might take some time, but I was going to be fine.

28 : Get Older

Well Happy Birthday to me.  Another year older and none the wiser.  I wish I could say that I understood why my marriage fell apart.  I wish I could say that I didn't try hard enough or give it my everything.  But I can't say that, because it just isn't true.  I'm not suggesting I am perfect by any means, I know that I'm far from that.  What I do know is that I was honest about who I was and what I wanted when I entered in my marriage.  I know I had an open heart.  I know that I didn't change my intentions and I know I gave everything I had.  I was willing to compromise.  I was selfless.  I was loyal.  I loved deeply.

And I know I would do it again.  The same way.

Yes…as scary as it is to say, I would do it again.  I only hope that next time it will be with someone who will do the same for me.

27 : Get an Attorney

For anyone going through a divorce (be it painful or not) a critical step in the process is to hire an attorney.  I was lucky in that my father was an attorney and he would be there for me as a resource.  However, I still needed to hire someone to represent me as the divorce became more eminent.  My parents and friends suggested I start looking for someone before I was ready.  I knew they were right, but I couldn't bring myself to take action yet.  I still couldn't believe this was all happening.  I felt so betrayed.  I was shocked.  Confused.  Hurt.  I knew when it was time and I chose to meet with two different attorneys- both referrals.  I was very anxious about it, so my friend came with me for support.  Even as we were walking to the first meeting, I still couldn't believe I was on my way to meet with an attorney to discuss my pending divorce.  DIVORCE.  I found the word to be sickening no matter how many times I heard it.  The first attorney I met with was a woman.  She educated me in extreme detail as to what my rights were.  The news was depressing.  I think it was the reality of everything and the law itself.  I cried throughout the entire meeting.  It was incredibly overwhelming to take in all of that information.  I went home, reviewed my meeting with my father, had a glass of wine and slept on it.  A few days later, I met with another attorney.  I'm sure this guy was already at an advantage in that I walked in there somewhat informed as opposed to my first meeting.  But I will say, I just got a feeling from this guy.  I can't say what it was in particular, but I just knew that he was who I wanted to hire.  Life was messy enough as it was, if I had that feeling then I had to listen to it.  I hired him a couple days later.  And so it began...

26 : Follow your Own Advice

Well, someone is actually reading my blog because the other day my advice was given back to me.  My boys were going to be with their dad on the weekend, so I made some fun plans for Saturday night.  I was going to actually go out- which was a treat for me, since I was usually at home with my kiddos.  Alone.  But then Saturday came, and I was woken up at 5:30 AM.  I spent the majority of the morning in a power struggle with a 2 year old.  It was one of those less than glamorous days of motherhood where you remind yourself that you love your kids but you simply have no patience.  I was feeling tired.  In addition to the kids, I just was in a bit of a funk.  You know, the type of day when you don't like anything you have in your closet, you feel irritable for no apparent reason and you can't deny it- you are just cranky.  As the day went on, I began to consider cancelling my plans for that night.  I just wasn't feeling it.  I reached out to a friend to tell her how I was feeling and she totally called me out.

Follow your own 365 rule and Say Yes (see post #4)

Fair enough.  I pulled myself together and went forward with my plans.  And who would've guessed it- I actually had a really fun night.

25 : Celebrate What's to Come

Today would have been my 4 year wedding anniversary. 4 years! And now it was just a day like any other. No kiss good morning. No I love you. Not even a card. We were getting a divorce. How was this even possible when we had just said 'I do' only 4 years ago? I should have felt sad, and I did to a certain extent. I was sad that our marriage failed. I was sad that I would be reminded of this every year, on this day, for the rest of my life. But I began to think about the past 4 years...what had happened beyond just getting married. Life had happened. Some good, some bad, some expected, some completely unpredictable. At least life was consistent in that way- things happened! I had sold a condo and moved into a bigger place. I had been promoted to a director at work and now had 3 people that reported into me. I had turned in my Jetta for an SUV that could actually fit 2 carseats. I had gone from having credit card debt to living debt free with some money in the bank and a healthy retirement account. I had lost my grandma. But in her honor, I had perfected her pie crust. I had created life. Twice. I had grown confident as a mother. My brother had gotten married. My brother and his wife were now expecting! I had gone from a size 6, to a size 8 to maternity clothes to a size 4. I had run a marathon! I had learned that I was much stronger than I ever realized. I was reminded over and over again what a wonderful family I came from and that I have the best girlfriends in the world. A lot had gone down in the past 4 years, and in some way it made me feel curious about what was to come..almost excited. Where would I be 4 years from now? What did life have in store for me? I didn't know the answer yet, but I knew that it could only get better from here.

24 : Make a Delicious Meal

A few years ago, I took a cooking class with my mom and sister.  One of the items we made were mussels.  I have always loved mussels but was intimidated at the thought of making them at home.  When I made them during the cooking class, I realized it wasn't all that hard.  I vowed to cook them again at home sometime.  And I really meant to. But as it happens, life always seemed to be too hectic and I defaulted to something quicker and easier.  Then, one weekend, I was at the grocery story and I saw mussels.  Why not?  I picked them up, got a loaf of good crusty bread and a nice bottle of sauvignon blanc.  After all, if I didn't have a partner to spoil me anymore, I might as well spoil myself.  I checked out a few different recipes and was quickly reminded how incredibly easy it was to make mussels.  And did I mention delicious?  Making something special for myself felt good.  I got to enjoy the act of cooking as well as the end product.  I could still cook.  I could still appreciate a good meal and a glass of wine.  How much more did I really need right now?

23 : You Don't Have to Explain Yourself to Anyone

For all intensive purposes, I was relieved at the chance to take a LOA (see post #6). However, I knew my absence from work would cause some speculation as to where I was. I was sad. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurting. On top of that, I was humiliated as to what had happened. My husband left me. Everyone at work had just watched me go through a pregnancy and return to work from maternity leave gushing about my new baby. And now only a matter of months later, my husband left me. How could I explain that? I couldn’t, because I still didn’t even understand it myself. I had a long conversation with my boss prior to my official LOA and she was amazing. We had worked together for over 6 years so she was my friend in addition to being my boss. I called her to explain that I needed some time off and but started to break down before I could get the words out. Without hesitation, she said she was coming over to have this conversation in person. Within 15 minutes, she was at my apartment with a bottle of wine. She sat with me, listened, cried with me, listened and cried some more. I told her my feeling of humiliation and the stress as it related to our work environment. And it was then that she said:

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

I was the victim here. I didn’t owe anything to anyone. She went on to say though, how much I was loved at work. And if I chose to let people know what was going on with me (stressing that it was my choice) I would be surprised at how people would rally around me. People would have my back. People would want to protect me. But I didn’t owe them that explanation. I didn’t need to decide now. When the time was right, I would know what to do.

22 : Make Some Plans

I have always loved the month of May.  It represents so many things to me.  As a midwestern girl, May is usually the month that the sun starts to peek out again.  Temps start to rise.  Summer is definitely not here yet, but it's within reach.  We might even get a couple days that feel like summer as a little teaser.  May is also the month of the Kentucky Derby.  How can you not love the ponies?  I've been to the Derby 3 times (Smarty Jones, Giacomo & Barbaro - thank you Nikki & Steve!). Good times.  May is the month of Mother's Day.  This isn't something I always celebrated but I will say I adjusted quickly to getting spoiled on that day.
It also just so happened that we got married in May.  Just a couple days before my birthday in fact.  We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.  I thought it was meant to be because my sister got married very close to her birthday and my brother did the same.  So much for meant to be.  Finally, I had my birthday.  Up until about the age of 25 that was a big deal, but of course as I got older it was less of a thing to celebrate.  (Who got excited about turning 37?)  Still, when I was married my husband definitely made a big to do about my birthday.  It typically fell on Memorial weekend, so we always got an extra day to celebrate.  Who wouldn't want that for their birthday? May. My favorite month.  A month with momentum that built up to the glorious Memorial weekend/anniversary/birthday extravaganza.  Of course, this only made things harder for me once my marriage started to fall apart.  If there was ever time that I was dreading the most- it was Memorial weekend.  I started panicking long before it got here.  I needed to plan something.  I needed to have something to look forward to.  This one was going to be tough one no matter what, but if I could stay ahead of it, maybe I could ease the blow?  I began putting feelers out to friends.  Who would be around?  What did people have planned?  Did anyone want to adopt me for the weekend?  My calendar was wide open.  (Of course people would be around and they would want to spend time with me because my friends are, well, awesome).  I found that as soon as I started to make some plans, I felt relieved.  The not knowing, was the scariest part of all. And then once I had something to look forward to, I was fine.  I was even excited for the weekend.  Sure, it was going to be different this year.  My life had changed, and things weren't quite as settled as they had been before.  But it was okay. I could still have a fun weekend.  I could still laugh with my friends.  I could still be entertained by my kids.  I could still enjoy a glass (or bottle) of wine.  And I would.

21 : Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

Oh the emotions you go through when you are facing such an enormous life change.  In the beginning I toggled back and forth between sadness, anger and confusion.  I could feel any one of those at any given moment.  Time heals all wounds, right?  Well at first, time felt like my worst enemy.  I hated how long my days were.  And I dreaded the nights even more.  Eventually, I began to slowly creep out of my black hole.  I began going to therapy (see post #7).  I took a LOA from work (see post #6).  I became a regular fixture at yoga (see post #9).  I tried taking some pills (see post #13). Slowly, I started to feel like the tiniest bit of myself again.  I noticed I was having more good days than bad days.  I started to feel empowered at the thought of being in charge of my own happiness and became determined to create that life for myself.  I was positive.  Hopeful.  Optimistic.  But let's be honest here - I still had a lot of shit going on.  And while all the signs were showing progression, I should've known that another breakdown was inevitable.  It happened one day on a drive home.  Big, thick tears just began forming in my eyes.  I think they were streaming down my face before I even realized I was crying.  Soon my nose was running and I was sniffing and choking on sobs that seemed to be coming from the deepest place within me.  I was no longer hoping to resolve things with my husband. But my life was still messy- chopped up- spun around and I had no idea what direction I was heading in.  The thought was absolutely terrifying.  And I wallowed in it while the tears continued to fall.  I knew at that moment exactly who I needed to talk to:

Megs.

Out of respect for my friend, I will not dish out the specifics on the hardships she has faced in her life, but I will say she has not had it easy. In fact, someday when we both finally write our memiors hers will most definitely top mine on the best seller list (although I still like to think mine would at least make the list!) Looking at her life, I can say Megs had conquered every adversity with the utmost grace and strength.  She always landed on her feet.  It was impressive, inspiring and admirable.  She was not only my friend - she was my hero.  When she answered the phone, I didn't need to explain myself.  I was just crying and she knew. She knew what to say.  I don't know what her exact words were, but the message was clear.

There will be good days and there will be bad days.  
You have to give yourself a break - you're allowed to have bad days.  

I cried a little longer until I felt like the moment had passed.  And then I put it behind me.  Tomorrow was a new day.

20 : Get Revenge

Come on, you know me better than that by now, don't you? This is a positive blog!

After my husband moved out, I realized I had a lot more 'alone time' than I was accustomed to.  Sure, when life is busy you crave that time for yourself.  But when it appears out of nowhere, it can be a little overwhelming.  I was used to having a partner around.  Someone to talk to at night. Eat dinner with. Share the stories of my day. Yes, I had two kids who were excellent company for me.  But it definitely wasn't the same as having adult interaction.  My little guys were in bed early, and while that was nice in some ways, it made the evenings very long.  Aside from the occasional phone call from my mom or a friend- it was just me, myself and I. So, I did what anyone would do in that situation.  I began binge watching TV shows.  Revenge Season 1.  Friday Night Lights.  Parenthood.  Breaking Bad.  Downtown Abby.  Homeland (it's next- just waiting for it to come to Netflix!)  I could burn through a whole season in a matter of a week (okay, in some cases a couple days).  I'm not sure that this was the healthiest of habits to get into, but zoning out and forgetting about my life for a while felt good.  I enjoyed escaping by way of the shows because it distracted me from my personal drama.  I had something to look forward to at night.  For the first time in a while, I wasn't constantly analyzing everything.  And that alone made it worthwhile.

19 : Watch Silver Linings Playbook

I saw this movie when it was in the theater and I liked it immediately.  It’s just one of those movies that is easy to like no matter where you are in your life.  It has depth.  It’s funny.  I don’t remember what my mental state exactly was when I first saw the movie, but I’m sure it wasn’t great. When I left, I knew I wanted to watch it again.  So finally it came out on DVD (OnDemand- does anyone actually rent DVDs anymore?) I rented it and again was quickly drawn in.  I’m embarrassed to say that I watched the movie 4 times (count ‘em – 4!) in the 48 hour window that I had it.  The two main characters were just so intriguing.  They were way more f**ked up than I was.  But something about their pain was so raw and so real. They were lost.  Hurt.  Broken.  And yet relatable.  While their situations were totally different than my own, to see these people hurting felt somehow familiar.  I was comforted.  I was not alone.  Now I know these are fictional characters but I still felt something from them.  There was a line that Bradley Cooper’s character delivered– it’s a silver development.  I loved that.  It wasn’t a silver lining yet, but it was on it’s way. I would keep that one moving forward.  Excelsior!

18 : Be the Biggest Loser

I realize I may be sending mixed messages here.  Treat yourself to whole milk lattes (see post#12) and then lose some weight?  But, everything in moderation, okay?  After I had my second child, I became determined to lose some weight.  I didn’t have much time to work out anymore, so I joined Weight Watchers.  I would not say I have ever had a weight problem or was overly concerned about my size – but your body definitely changes after you have kids.  You mothers out there know what I am talking about.  I wanted to lose weight to look good for my husband, yes, but most importantly I just wanted to do it for myself.  I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable in my clothes anymore.  I didn’t want to feel self conscious about how things fit.  I knew my body would never be the same as before I had kids, but it was worth trying to lose a few pounds.  Weight Watchers proved to be a good program for me.  I was back to my pre baby weight within a few months.  And then I was back to my wedding weight.  I continued on to be the smallest I had been in years.  I was skinny again!  Woo Hoo!  It felt amazing.  People noticed and complimented me on how good I looked – especially after two kids!  (Remember- I did this for myself, but I'm not going to lie- the acknowledgement felt good!)  But then all of this happened with my marriage.  I lost more weight purely out of depression and stress.  As time went on, I stopped keeping up with the program because I was trying to just get through the day (see post #2).  Days went by.  Weeks.  Months.  I was no longer watching what I was eating.  Instead, I praised myself just for actually eating at all that day.  I began to worry that people would think I had lost all that weight because I was getting a divorce which REALLY infuriated me because I had worked so hard to lose that weight!  Eventually my appetite came back in full force and I began to notice I was getting bigger.  We aren’t talking a lot of weight, but a couple pounds here and there. Probably to an outsider I still looking very thin but you know your body and I could just tell.  So, I decided it was time to resume the program.  I started up on Weight Watchers again but this time with a different purpose.  I had met my original goal.  I wasn’t looking to drop any more weight- I just wanted to maintain.  I wanted to make informed decisions about my meals so I could continue to feel good about my size.  It was one of the few things that was actually making me feel good at this point, so I needed to keep that in tact.  I’m not suggesting that a weight loss program is the right thing for everyone at a painful time in their life.  But I had started this before and couldn’t let my relationship chaos stop me from doing what I had been doing.  I needed to get back to me and this was just one more way to help me get there. 

17 : Continue to be a Good Friend

A couple weeks ago, I met one of my best friends for happy hour.  We had both been busy as of late (when is life not busy?) and hadn’t had much time to talk.  We bellied up to the bar, ordered a couple drinks and started filling each other in on the latest.  My friend was stressed.  She was a working mom who held the majority of the childcare responsibilities.  On top of that, she and her husband were in the process of buying a house in the suburbs so they were working through all the details surrounding the move.  She started to vent to me as we had done so many times in the past.  This is what friends do, right?  We complained about our husbands.  We bitched about work.  We shared problems with our kids.  How many times had we done this in the past? It’s what we had always done.  But this time it was different.  She stopped herself mid sentence and without explaining anything, I knew why. I told her that she had to continue to be herself with me.  I relied on that.  I needed that.  So much had changed in my life, if my friends started treating me differently I was really going to crack.  True, her problems were different than mine but they were still legitimate.  My roles may have changes slightly over the past several months.  I was no longer a wife.  But I was still a friend.  And I would be there for her no matter what. 

16 : Relish in the Compliments

During my LOA (see post #6) I was going to yoga pretty regularly (see post #9).  One day, after class the instructor came up to me and said she remembered me from a few years ago.  She didn't know what I had been doing, who I had been 'training' with, but said I looked great!

WHO HAVE I BEEN TRAINING WITH?  Kim Crawford, that's who!  You see my husband abandoned me and our two children so I haven't been eating...

Oh the things I could have said.  I almost laughed out loud, knowing how uncomfortable I could make her feel with my response.  But it was just a compliment.  I needed to embrace it.  It was probably going to be the best part of my day and possibly even the best part of my week. It's funny how someone who knows nothing about you, can make your day with such a small comment.  I thanked her, because the compliment meant more to me than she even realized.  Relish in the compliments.  It doesn't get much better than that.

15 : Pray

As I already mentioned, I've never been a super religious person. Spiritual, yes but not a die hard. Growing up, ours was the family that went to mass every Sunday not like those Easter & Christmas Catholics (you know who you are). But as an adult, I had grown to be a little more lazy as far as my faith was concerned.  I did have both of my children baptized but beyond that, life just always seemed way too busy to make it to church on Sundays. I know how awful that sounds, but it was true. So here I was suddenly in this life altering situation and I felt lost.  Then one day, my dad gave his words of wisdom:  

Never underestimate the power of prayer. 

What did I have to lose at this point?  I mean, a little divine intervention couldn't hurt, right?  If there was ever a time I needed the Lord, that time was now.  At first I prayed that my marriage would be saved.  I prayed that my husband would find his way back to me.  I prayed that I would wake up the next day only to find that this whole situation was in fact just a nightmare and everything was back to normal.  Obviously, that didn't happen.  As time went on, I started to change my focus.  I began to pray for strength.  I began to pray for the ability to accept what was happening.  I began to pray that I could continue be my best self for my kids because that is what they deserved. And I prayed that my children would still grow up to be well adjusted people who knew how much they were loved despite the fact that their parents were not together.  I may not have prayed every day (and I still never made it to church - sorry dad) but I know that when I did say a prayer, it felt good.  And that was good enough for me.

14 : Be Happy for Others

At times when you are wallowing in your own misery, you start to lose focus on what is happening around you.  I think I've fallen victim to that in the past, and made a promise to myself I would not do so again.  Yes, I was an emotional mess, but life was continuing to move forward for others.  I didn't want to be that person that couldn't be happy for others even though I was in a bad place.  So while my life was taking a drastic change in one direction, something very special happened for one of my best friends.  She became a mother.  It sounds so simple when I say it like that, but there is so much more to the story.  She and her husband had been trying for nearly 4 years to become parents.  They worked with several surrogates and had a long road of physical and emotional challenges along the way.  These two people were certain to be loving, generous parents and after their very long wait, they finally (FINALLY!) got their babies.  (Yes, babies- TWINS!)  When I met those tiny, sweet bundles of joy and saw my friend beam with motherly pride for the first time - I was reminded at how truly amazing life could be.  And I couldn't deny that the feeling of pure happiness felt so much better than feeling sorry for myself. 

It just so happens that Mother's Day falls on the same day as my friend's birthday this year. Coincidence?  I think not!  So on this day, I want to say to my friend Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day.  You are calm, nurturing and already a natural with those babies.  I love you and I am so incredibly happy for you.

13 : It's called MEDICATION, not DRUGS

As I previously stated, my LOA (see post #6) was contingent upon my primary care physician's approval.  Fortunately, this was not a problem for me.  In addition to time off from work, my doctor suggested I go to therapy (which I was already doing- see post #7) and that I try taking some medication.  She wrote me a script for 2 different chill pills.  Pill 1 was an anti-depressant to be taken daily. I'm told from those wiser than me that the dosage she gave me was relatively low, but I decided I didn't want to take it.  I've always liked pills, I'm not going to lie.  Back in the day I would enjoy a little recreational Vicodin or Norco every once in a while, but I didn't like the idea of being on an anti-depressant.  Even if I was depressed.  I think perhaps I felt too proud to try it at first?  I was strong- I could beat this! Pill 2 was to be used as needed for treating anxiety.  This was a higher dosage than Pill 1 and for some reason, I was more open to trying.  I think it felt safer to me because it was prescribed to be taken just as needed.  The first couple times I tried Pill 2, it knocked me out completely which I didn't like.  So at my next appointment, I asked my doctor about this and wondered if there might be a Pill 3 that would work better for easing my anxiety, but not put me to sleep. She encouraged me to try Pill 1 and gave the 'That's why it's called Medication, not Drugs' speech.  She went on about how the world wasn't going to be instantly perfect for me, but this was just a little something to help.  And so I decided to give Pill 1 a try.  I reminded myself this wasn't forever. I had to take care of myself and if that meant taking some pills for the time being, then so be it.

12 : Treat Yourself (or what I like to call order Whole Milk Lattes)

What female consciously orders whole milk lattes these days?  This gal.  Yup, it's true.  It's not an every day thing - the pressures of keeping up your figure as you get older (especially after two kids!) would never allow that to be an every day thing.  But every once in a while I like to spoil myself with a whole milk latte.  It's a little indulgence on those days when I feel I deserve a little something extra or what the hell, I just want it.  It started off as a pregnancy treat, but turned into an 'in the midst of a divorce' treat.  During my LOA (see post #6) this became a bit of a habit for me.  I had lost some weight (naturally- my husband left me!) and I was going to yoga regularly (see post # 9) so why not have a little extra deliciousness in my day? I will admit, once you start it is very hard to go back to enjoying the fat free/skinny latte you previously ordered, but knowing this will only be allowed while I take care of myself makes it all okay, right?

11 : Spend Time With Your Kids

Spend time with your kids.  And if you don't have kids, then spend time with someone else's kids.  Children say the funniest things.  They are hilarious.  Even in my darkest days, my kids made me smile...laugh even.  I can say with complete honesty that my kids are what kept me going.  They are why I got out of bed.  They are why I showered.  Why I ate (even when I didn't feel hungry in the least.)  At my lowest moments, they made me feel loved and wanted and needed.  My younger son would look up and just beam at me.  It was the purest love that one could experience.  And the things that would come out of my two year old's mouth were just hilarious.  We were potty training, so the conversation tended to be somewhat centered around that.  (Mommy, the poopy is going to do a BIG jump into the potty.  Mommy, poopy's coming!  No, poopy's not coming.  Poopy is still in my butt)  The material is really endless here- How can you not laugh or in the very least crack a smile at that?  But it was the serious commentary that really warmed my heart.  I remember one day my husband (soon to be ex-husband) came over to take the boys for the day.  My older son turned to me as they were walking out the door, and said, "I'm going to miss Mommy."  That is what continues to keep me going.  I may never have pictured myself divorced and a single mom, but I will always be thankful for my two beautiful boys.  They are the best thing to ever happen to me.

10 : Find a Theme Song and Sing Your Heart Out

Anyone who has ever gone through a breakup most definitely can appreciate the theme song.  For years my song was Coldplay's Warning Sign (Laura knows!).  I could listen to it on repeat for hours on end.  I thought I was depressed at the time about someone who when I really think back about it, meant very little to me.  How funny life is sometimes.  Another theme song I had in the past was Beck's Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes.  Thinking about it now, I can say that was actually pathetic because I barely even knew that guy but at the time I was certain he was the one.  This time was different though.  This wasn't just some guy that I had dated.  This was my husband.  The father of my kids.  The one person who was supposed to be there for me through everything.  And he wasn't. I needed a theme song! I didn't want my theme song to be one of Taylor Swifts.  I really didn't.  But come on.  Her songs are catchy.  How can you go through a painful divorce and not enjoy singing WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER at the top of your lungs?  Just try avoiding one of her tunes on the radio, too.  I'm not proud that it was my song, but I can't deny I enjoyed it. 

9 : Namaste

I have always been the working out type.  You know the type.  The person that has to work out not necessarily to lose weight, but just because it is a part of who they are.  Once I had kids, this became increasingly difficult.  I was working full time, then rushing home at night to put to bed 1 child, and eventually 2 children.  Even when we were together, the majority of the childcare responsibilities fell on my plate while my husband was able to focus more on growing his career.  (Don't feel sorry for me, that was the arrangement that we both agreed to.)  And then everything fell apart.  And I took took my LOA from work (see post #6).  Suddenly I had more time on my hands than I knew what to do with.  Running had always been my avenue of choice (2009 Chicago Marathon finisher, thank you very much!) but I didn't feel motivated to run right now.  I felt tired, weak, broken. I decided to try yoga again.  I had done yoga in the past, but often would get bored or anxious during the class.  I would end up spending half the class DYING to know what time it was so I could leave and cross off 'go to yoga' from my To Do list.  But here I was now with all the time in the world and nothing to do but take care of myself.  So maybe it would be different this time.  A phone call later, I discovered I still had some passes at a Bikram studio that I had put on hold nearly two years ago after I got pregnant with my oldest. Namaste! I went to my first class and allowed myself to get lost in the heat and the stretching for 90 minutes.  That's all it took.  One class and I was craving to go back.  Over the course of my LOA I went to yoga at least 4 times a week if not more.  Before I knew it, I could hold a toe stand for almost 10 seconds (if you don't know what that is, look it up - I'm really proud!)  After each class, I couldn't wait to get back.  For the first time I was able to shut off my mind for an entire 90 minutes and just be present in the moment.

Note: For anyone reading (is anyone reading?) that lives in the Chicago area and is interested in Bikram yoga I suggest www.105f.com in Wicker Park.  It's a good mix of people and talent levels, so regardless of how much you've practiced yoga, you don't feel out of place.

8 : Count Your Blessings

Some of my entries up to this point may seem very obvious - but count your blessings when you are going through the most devastating thing ever to happen to you?  How dare I suggest a thing like that?  Don't bite my head off just yet- let me explain. It was very difficult for me to tell my parents about my situation at first.  In fact, I held it in for a number of weeks before doing so.  I was hoping all along that there would be a way we could work things out.  I worried about the added pressure it would create for our marriage if our families knew what was happening.  It reached a point, though, where I needed the support from those who cared about me most.  I called my parents and broke down over the phone as I explained to my mother what had happened.  To this day I will say that was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make in my life, and I hope nobody I care about ever has to do anything even close to that.  I can't imagine the pain that my mother felt on the other end of the line- she was physically in another state, and in utter shock at what I was telling her.  She and my dad were a living example of a strong marriage based on love, trust and mutual respect.  And I know they felt blessed that all of their kids had advanced to that of the same.  Until now.  In hearing my news, I'm sure her pain equaled (if not surpassed) my own. I don't remember everything my mother said in response, but I know she said all the right things a parent could say in that situation.  She listened, told me she loved me and reminded me she was there for me whatever I needed.  And then there was my dad.  My dad who is just a really REALLY good person.  He always does the right thing.  He lives beneath his means.  He is grounded.  Selfless.  Modest.  He has a strong faith.  He is just undeniably good.  It's my dad who has always been the practical, voice of reason in my head.  So it should come as no surprise that among all the encouraging words he gave me, the 2 things he said that stuck with me were:

It's not cancer.  It's not death.

Make no mistake, my father was devastated to hear of my situation. But my dad was also the eternal optimist.  At first it almost felt like a death, but my dad was right.  It wasn't cancer, it wasn't an actual death.  The situation was painful, but I would survive.  I had two wonderful, supportive parents who would be there for me no matter what I needed.  I had great siblings who loved me. I had more friends than I could count who would do anything for me.  I had the greatest nanny around.  I had my health.  I was employed.  Hell, I was even skinny! But most importantly, I had 2 beautiful, healthy children who loved me more than anything in the world.  I was lucky.  Even at the lowest point in my life, I knew I was lucky. 

7 : Try Therapy

Therapy.  This was something I never thought I needed.  Or wanted.  It's just not for me, okay? But suddenly you find yourself in a shitty situation and you need to talk.  A lot.  And getting really REALLY drunk (see post #5) will only get you so far, too.  Fortunately, my friends were wonderful.  They called and listened and offered advice and listened some more.  My family did the same.  My mother...well I can't' say enough about her.  And I admire how much restraint she exercised - especially in the beginning when I was hopeful that my marriage would still work out.  She let me express whatever I was feeling - sadness, anger, confusion. I called my mom daily (honestly, multiple times a day) and she just listened on the other end of the line without judgement.  Thank you to all my friends and family and especially to you, Mom.  I knew pretty early on, though, that as lucky as I was to have these resources around me- I needed to talk to someone. And by 'someone', I mean a professional. I am normally a pretty 'together' person and I wasn't going to let this situation f*ck me up.  I got the name of a practice from a friend and shortly thereafter had an appointment.  I needed a 3rd party, someone neutral to listen (and potentially advise me) without any history or vested interest.  I liked my therapist immediately.  She made me feel at ease, safe, comfortable.  Talking with her helped me to put some things into perspective and allowed me to slowly start to feel like myself again. I found I enjoyed therapy.  And before I knew it, I realized I actually looked forward to going. 

6 : Take a Leave of Absence (LOA)

Everyone has their breaking point.  It took me a while to get to mine.  At first I just continued working and suffering privately while I dealt with the dissolution of my marriage.  But I finally reached my point, and I knew I couldn't hold it all together any more.  I needed a break.  I reached out to my HR department and found out I qualified for a paid leave of absence and after a visit to my primary care physician I was on my way.  Okay...now I realize not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to do this, but if you work for a company that offers such a benefit, then I highly suggest you take advantage of this.  Time off from work eliminates one of the many stresses you are dealing with during a loss or severe heartbreak.  For me, I was facing a divorce which meant I had legal matters to deal with in addition to the emotional stress I was already feeling.  I needed to take care of myself  and limit the other stresses in my life.  I kept my nanny employed so it was business as usual for my children.  I used the Leave of Absence (LOA) to do a number of things- many of which will result in future postings.  Mostly, the LOA helped me take care of myself, just get through the day (See post #2) and get myself back on track. 

5 : Get Really REALLY Drunk

Okay, so alcohol is not necessarily the best way to deal with a very fragile emotional state.  But again, this is 365 ways, and alcohol has certainly been one of them.  As you can imagine, my life was a little chaotic at this point and I was in need of a drink, or two or ten.  I made sure my children were properly taken care of for the night and went out with my best girlfriends.  We started off at dinner.  Cocktails.  Wine.  Another bottle of wine.  I think I just got a dirty look from the table next to us.  A third bottle of wine. Are we getting loud?  I can't tell.  Yup, the people at the table next to us are glaring at us.  Do you think our server hates us?  I can't tell. Our server definitely hates us.  Is that our server? I think it's time to get going.  The night continued on with another bottle of wine (4th or 5th??) back at my friend's house.  And I think another (6th?)?  Is that Taylor Swift?  Suddenly music is blaring and I'm singing words to a song at the top of my lungs that I didn't even realize I knew.  Dancing.  Singing. More wine (who's counting).  Things are starting to get a little sloppy- I think I just spilled wine on the floor.  Yup, I did.  One friend is cleaning it up.  Another friend is throwing up. More dancing.  Is someone taking pictures?  I just "slipped" and "fell" onto the ground.  Okay, maybe it's time to go to bed. 

4 : Say Yes

When my husband first left me, I found myself alone with 2 children.  I needed to be there for them as their primary caretaker and emotional support.  I was probably more capable of doing this than I even realized, but it felt overwhelming because at the same time I was trying to take care of myself.
Friends and family offered to come over and visit, bring me dinner, stay the night, host me for dinner, watch my children, you name it.  And I let them.  I took every offer that was given to me.  I was utterly lost at that time, but I knew that I needed to be strong for my kids.  I needed support from those who cared about me, and so I let as many people in as possible.  At first, I worried that the offers would stop coming as time went on, but this did not happen.  People continued to reach out to me to make me feel welcome, included and loved. Want to meet at the park with the kids?  Yes.  Dinner tonight? Yes. Come over this weekend?  Yes. 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

3 : Cry

Okay, so I was sad and needed to cry.  It felt good to cry.  I probably would have exploded had I held it all in.  I had several days (weeks even) that I cried.  I couldn't help myself.  I cried for the loss of my husband, partner and best friend.  I cried for the future that I thought I was going to have that would no longer be.  I cried for my children and how their lives were now forever changed.  I cried because I was scared at the uncertainty of what lied ahead.  I cried because I felt helpless and I didn't know what else to do with myself.  As the days went on though, the urge to cry seemed to decrease just a little each day.  It's not that I wasn't sad anymore - I never would have chosen this and I would always be sad that my marriage did not work out.  But then one day I realized I had made it through the whole day without crying.  And I couldn't be certain, but I think I might have even laughed that day?  The urge to cry died down just as the sun continued to rise each day. I was healing.  I was not healed yet, but I was healing.