284 : Restart

Yesterday, I had a couple unsuccessful conversations at work.  I won't own the failure outright, but I know I was a participant so I have to admit I could be partly at fault.  I wasn't sure if it was my approach, or just the topic in general, but what I had hoped to be productive had gone wrong.  Terribly wrong in one instance.  My job forced such difficult conversations on a regular basis and my batting average wasn't always over 500 (is that the correct analogy?)  But for some reason, I was feeling overly sensitive that day, so the professional struggles began to wear on me more personally than usual.  It had started at my son's school that morning (see post #283) and it just set me off in the wrong direction for the day.  The failed conversations at work made me start to think about my personal life and more specifically my failed marriage.  I had never even realized, prior to my Ex telling me, that there was a problem with our marriage.  What in the world did that say about me?  I thought I was a good communicator but perhaps I was more flawed in this area than I even realized?  Since I knew I was slightly off that day, I decided to go to yoga instead of dissecting myself any further.  For 90 minutes, I focused on my breath and stretched and sweated all that negative energy out of my body.  And when I left, I felt renewed in the best kind of way possible.  I knew I wasn't perfect.  But I wouldn't question my role again in what happened with our marriage because I didn't deserve that judgement.  I had been honest and open and approached everything with good intention.  And the same applied at work.  I didn't play games.  I wasn't into politics.  I was direct, but I genuinely cared about people and I was out to accomplish things for the betterment of everyone.  Okay, I was sarcastic as all hell, too but come on- that wasn't going anywhere.  I felt thankful that I was able to recenter myself so quickly and I slept soundly that night knowing that tomorrow was a new day.

283 : My Single Mom Insecurity

The other morning, my oldest son had a 'donuts with grownups' get together at his school.  I never directly mentioned this to my Ex, although I did leave the invitation from school on the counter for him to see when he was with the boys.  He also received the school emails to inform him of what was going on.  We never spoke of it, though.  So when the morning arrived, it was just my son and I that attended.  We went to school as per our normal routine.  But that day, I would be sticking around for a while.  The other students and parents began to funnel into the classroom.  I knew most of the kids in the class by name and many of the parentsI recognized but I didn't know any of them well. I felt a little insecure in this setting.  I found that every event that I tried to participate in with my son's school (which admittedly was not many) I was a little nervous.  I wasn't really friends with any of the other parents and I didn't have a partner with me for support.  I wasn't making a huge effort to engage with the school either.  Perhaps that was my fault, but I didn't think I'd be back there next year (not sure yet where I'd be) so I wasn't really investing in meeting people there.  It was apparent, though that other people were investing and getting to know each other.  I don't think anyone was looking at me with judgement but I still felt insecure about being a single mom during those situations.  It bothered me that my Ex had put not only me in this situation, but also our son.  It felt unfair.  My son wasn't the only child who's father wasn't in the room that morning, but it still bothered me.  I knew that what I was feeling wasn't coming from anyone but myself, but I still felt it.  I was on the outside looking in and I hated it.  That feeling made me want to explain to everyone that not only was I divorced because my Ex had abandoned me but also that my Ex was barely in the picture.  And I'm not sure why I needed that information out to feel comfortable.  I didn't communicate that to anyone, of course.  I just put a smile on my face and tried my best to be present.  These challenges with school were only just beginning.  Hopefully it would get easier, but just the same I made a mental note of another thing I'd need to discuss with my therapist.

282 : Take Back Your Life

Well...the title might be slightly dramatic here, but the point remains the same.  Monday night of this week, I had a big moment.  I filed my taxes.  All by myself.  I know this might seem ridiculous to many as most people have already been doing this for years.  I, however, had not.  I was intimidated at the thought of doing my own taxes when I was younger, so my dad initially did them for me.  And then he did them with me.  But we are talking the old school way here, where you sit down together at the dining room table, use a pencil to fill out the work sheet and then go over the numbers with pen once you determine everything is right.  I eventually advanced to having a friend's boyfriend (now husband) do them for me.  He was an accountant looking for a little extra cash at the time and I graciously paid the money.  From my point of view, it was a win-win!  And then once I met my Ex, he assumed that responsibility.  It was nice because I didn't want to have to worry about them, other than when we were going to do them?  If it had been entirely my choice, I would've completed them the beginning of February every year.  My Ex always claimed he wanted to get them done right away, too, but this never happened.  It usually came down to the last week or two before they were due that he'd get to it.  Well, that in itself was liberating for me this year, in addition to completing the process on my own.  I received my W2 in the mail, and that evening I cranked it out.  Why wait?  I just wanted it done!  And amazingly enough, I was getting a little money back.  I wasn't even sure how, but I was getting a little back for the first time in a couple years.  It was such a relief.  My taxes were done and the refund was on it's way.  Not a bad way to start off February.  Not bad at all.

281 : Don't Stop Trying

The other week, I took my kids to the doctor for my son's 18 month check up (see post #271).  I had been going to the same pediatrician for every appointment since my oldest was 1 week old.  I had seen a different doctor for my first visit to the office (3 days after we brought my oldest home from the hospital.) My milk had not come in yet, and as a result my son had lost a concerning amount of weight in a very short time period.  The doctor's feedback was harsh.  So much so, that I cried during the appointment, the way home and probably the entire rest of the day (if not longer).  It was already such a sensitive time for a new mother, I did not need to be told I was failing already at providing milk for my son.  I had to return a few days later for a follow up appointment and that was when I met my current Doctor.  She was informative, yet supportive and encouraging all at the same time.  I loved her immediately and we had been seeing her ever since.  Last year, I told her about what was happening at home and asked if she had any advice for how to handle things with the kids?  I was worried they would have problems as a result of our divorce.  I was worried they would be insecure or feel less loved.  She reassured me this was not the case just from her observations of me as a mother.  I think that's what I liked about her most.  She was professional and gave me all the medical information I needed, but her approach was conversational.  She made me feel comfortable.  Most recently, at the appointment the other week, I asked my Doctor if she had any ideas for how I could get my kids to eat healthier?  Her response was Don't Stop Trying.  Just because they refused something 1, 2, 3, 4, or even 5 times...don't stop trying.  I appreciated the simplicity of her advice and realized how this applied to all aspects of parenthood.  And then the more I thought about it, I began to see how this also was true of life overall.  To me, it was almost a more positive message than Don't Give Up.  Just don't stop trying.  I sat with this for a little while and then recognized these words almost as the mantra for what had been the past year.  My divorce had made me rethink everything - and I mean everything in my life.  But I was still trying.  I was trying to learn how to be a single parent.  I was trying to be present with my kids.  I was trying to be a good mom.  I was trying to be better at work.  I was trying to be there for my friends and family.  I was trying to be happy.  And the most amazing thing I all...I was.  Not every minute of every day, but I was for the most part, happy.  Perhaps the name of this blog should've been don't stop listening, because it was interesting how the tiniest bit of advice could lend such a deep insight into my world overall.  I would keep trying to get my kids to eat their vegetables and I would keep trying to find my place.

280 : Talk in Circles

Every morning, I wake up and read my blog first thing.  I know, I'm the author.  But there is something different about proofing your work the night before and then reading the final product.  I like to make sure that the feeling I was trying to capture is indeed felt in the post.  Sometimes I high five myself (metaphorically) because I feel like I nailed it.  And sometimes I overanalyze it.  At times I even go back and tweak.  I'm providing this context now, because when I read my post yesterday morning (see post #279) I started to see things in a slightly different light.  The whole point of my blog from the start was to help me feel like myself again.  The old me, but the new me.  So bare with me for a minute, while I allow myself to talk in circles.  I am proud of myself in that I've grown comfortable being by myself again.  It's a process for anyone to adjust to after being in a relationship.  I'm lucky because I have two boys in my life who immediately filled the void that my Ex left in my heart.  They made (and make!) me feel complete.  This is a good thing.  However, I don't want this to be the only thing I am.  I am self aware enough to know that I don't want to put that pressure on my kids- I don't want them to be my only source of happiness because long term that is not healthy for any of us. And I know that I want to meet someone else.  I'm ready, too.  I'm not hung up on what happened to me, I don't miss my Ex and I'm ready to move on with my life.  The problem is, though, that I don't feel anything for anyone I meet.  I mean, I literally don't feel anything.  It's not like I've been around that many guys, but every man I've had the opportunity to hang out with- however formal or casual- I feel nothing for.  Oh what I would give to just feel excited about someone.  Is it just that I haven't met 'the right' person yet because I don't want to be content being alone forever.  That would be bad.  But then again, I guess it's good that while I am alone I'm content.  So, somehow I need to keep that balance.  Does this make any sense?

279 : Plan a Date with Yourself

Yesterday was a complete success.  I got through the day (a blizzard, too!) with two toddlers all by myself.  I will say that again, all by myself!  We went to get haircuts first thing in the morning.  And then we went to my 3 year olds new sports class.  Of course my 18 month old insisted on participating, so I spent the hour toggling between the two of them which was a work out for me.  I knew lunch would be tricky since the class ended at 11:30 and they would both be starving the second we walked in the door, which is why I prepped everything that morning before we left.  After lunch, I got my youngest in bed for his nap and my oldest and I watched Despicable Me 2 (or at least we rented it- we both fell asleep).  We all woke up at 4:30 and since I had no food in the house- or milk for that matter- we went to the grocery store.  I scored the race car cart and then bobbed and weaved down the aisles amidst the chaos of both boys.  Thank god for samples.  (Which, by the way- turns out my kids love spinach dip.  Who would've guessed?)  We got home, got everything in the house, put groceries away, made dinner, ate dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got them both to bed (we'd do baths tomorrow) and as though it were magic, they were both out.  That's when my date began.  My date with myself.  I poured a large glass of red wine.  I made mussels with tomatoes, white wine and of course, garlic.  I cut some crusty bread for dipping.  I made a fire.  And I sat down to enjoy it.  All by myself.  And the best part about it?  I was completely content.  Happy in fact.  I had made it through the day with my kids.  Happily.  All by myself.  That was worth a toast.

278 : A Revelation

I'm a little buzzed tonight after a couple small pours of red wine.  And suddenly a thought just occurred to me.   It was all about the money.  It was always just about the money.  Surely this is a movie title in the making, right?  Or in the very least a lifetime sunday afternoon movie starring Kristen Wiig as me.  I know-Kristen Wiig is way too cool to be in a Lifetime sunday afternoon movie these days- you're missing the point.  It was always about the money.  When I met my Ex, he had a lot of money in the bank.  I won't go into specifics but I will say I was impressed with his savings.  And he was very forthright about it.  He shared his financial position with me in a detailed manner quite early.  I realize now that this made me feel connected to him early on.  Not that he had the money, but because he wanted to share this information with me.  And then he wanted to become a trader.  He toyed around with his personal savings, became slightly overzealous and had some misfortune.  Again, the amount is not important, but it was noticed.  I encouraged him to change into that field professionally and he tried.  He worked through 3 different trading jobs over the next year or so and eventually decided to throw in the towel.  I know this was difficult for him because he repeatedly suggested he had failed in that industry and he didn't use the word fail.  I thought that even though that time was challenging for us as a couple, we had made it through it and had grown closer as a result of it.  I see very clearly now, that the 'failure' he felt, would eventually destroy us.  I think he couldn't recover from that failure. I think he couldn't be the same person in the relationship with me because that failure changed him permanently.  I'm not justifying what he did or how he handled ending our marriage.  This isn't the first time I've recognized the financial flaw in our relationship.  And I haven't been trying to justify what happened for a long time now but suddenly this just became crystal clear for me right at this moment.  The time that has passed since being together has taught me so much about myself and propelled me forward in a new direction I never knew existed.  For that I am thankful.  But there is something that makes me feel better about this specific insight.  It wasn't me (not that I've thought it was for a long time now but...)  it was the money.  I think that provides some clarity in my head.  I can go back now to enjoying my wine.