278 : A Revelation

I'm a little buzzed tonight after a couple small pours of red wine.  And suddenly a thought just occurred to me.   It was all about the money.  It was always just about the money.  Surely this is a movie title in the making, right?  Or in the very least a lifetime sunday afternoon movie starring Kristen Wiig as me.  I know-Kristen Wiig is way too cool to be in a Lifetime sunday afternoon movie these days- you're missing the point.  It was always about the money.  When I met my Ex, he had a lot of money in the bank.  I won't go into specifics but I will say I was impressed with his savings.  And he was very forthright about it.  He shared his financial position with me in a detailed manner quite early.  I realize now that this made me feel connected to him early on.  Not that he had the money, but because he wanted to share this information with me.  And then he wanted to become a trader.  He toyed around with his personal savings, became slightly overzealous and had some misfortune.  Again, the amount is not important, but it was noticed.  I encouraged him to change into that field professionally and he tried.  He worked through 3 different trading jobs over the next year or so and eventually decided to throw in the towel.  I know this was difficult for him because he repeatedly suggested he had failed in that industry and he didn't use the word fail.  I thought that even though that time was challenging for us as a couple, we had made it through it and had grown closer as a result of it.  I see very clearly now, that the 'failure' he felt, would eventually destroy us.  I think he couldn't recover from that failure. I think he couldn't be the same person in the relationship with me because that failure changed him permanently.  I'm not justifying what he did or how he handled ending our marriage.  This isn't the first time I've recognized the financial flaw in our relationship.  And I haven't been trying to justify what happened for a long time now but suddenly this just became crystal clear for me right at this moment.  The time that has passed since being together has taught me so much about myself and propelled me forward in a new direction I never knew existed.  For that I am thankful.  But there is something that makes me feel better about this specific insight.  It wasn't me (not that I've thought it was for a long time now but...)  it was the money.  I think that provides some clarity in my head.  I can go back now to enjoying my wine.