Thursday, April 10, 2014

346 : The 8 Month Post Divorce Check In

I was feeling a little depressed yesterday.  I try to be positive and hopeful in my blog, but most importantly I try to be honest with my feelings.  So I have to say that yesterday I was feeling slightly depressed.  To begin with, my best friend and colleague at work just gave her notice.  I am happy for her both personally and professionally.  I am self aware enough to be able to separate my feelings from what I know is best for her.  She deserves this opportunity more than anyone and I am excited for her.  I will miss her though.  She has been a trusted partner, a source of inspiration, and a supportive ally.  I am not looking forward to the additional work and stress I will absorb as a result of this transition.  Second of all, I am feeling discouraged about the housing market.  I keep thinking about the townhouse that I put the offer on last week and I'm nervous I won't find something as good.  I know this is foolish and I shouldn't dwell in that negative space, yet I still do.  In fact, to make matters worse, I've found myself pulling up the listing every day since I learned it went to someone else and looking at the pictures.  This is unhealthy I know but I can't seem to stop.  I can still picture my family settled there.  My furniture in the space, the feeling of calling it home.  I must stop this because it is over and I need to move on.  But I can't just yet.  There are no new listings that are attractive to me right now either which isn't helping.  My desire to just know what is next seems to be stronger than it has been in a while.  There will be something else, I know this but I don't feel it yet.  And finally, it's been 8 months since my divorce was official and I don't feel like I am where I should be.  I know there is no timeline that I need to abide by, but when I acknowledge how long it's been I feel as though I should be further along than where I am.  I am dating and I am enjoying myself but I don't know what this relationship is.  And I have never been so content not knowing what a relationship is.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I won't allow myself to think about it long enough to decide.  So I am comfortable with where I am, yet I put pressure on myself that I should be further ahead.  How messed up is that?  Why do I put this pressure on myself?  It is when I am stuck in this space that I stop to think about how far I've come.  A year ago, I was still on a leave of absence from work (see post #6).  I was deep in the state of confusion about what had transpired in my marriage.  I was trying to make sense of it all.  And when I stopped and thought of things that way, I started feeling less depressed.  In fact, I began to actually feel good.  I had come pretty far.  I had moved on from my ex and put myself out there for new and better things.  This was progress.  I'd say the post divorce check in made me realize that overall things were looking pretty positive.  Positive indeed.

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