Tuesday, April 22, 2014

358 : Goodbye Child

I'm getting rather emotional now that the final countdown is on for this blog.  I was trying to think of all the topics I had covered so far, what I had missed and what was still important to cover before I signed off.  And then I realized this was one of those topics.  The third child.  The third child that I never had and probably never would have.  Picture my ex (then husband) and I at our 20 week appointment for baby #2.  We held hands in anticipation about what the sex of this child was.  Girl. Girl. Girl.  I closed my eyes with hope and preparation.

It's a Boy.

I think the tears were in my eyes before the sentence was complete.  To this day I don't know where that sorrow had come from,  but it was there.  The technician awkwardly left the room (Oh yes the tears were in front of her) and my ex (then husband) and I were left alone.  It was silent for a minute as we just hugged and I cried.  He understood.  And he promised me we would have a girl.  I know you can't promise that, but he did.  And I believed him.  #3 would be a girl for sure.  It was one of the saddest and most beautiful moments of my life.  Obviously things did not play out that way.  My second baby boy arrived and I fell in love all over again.  He was perfect.  And then my ex (then husband) unexpectantly moved out just 6 months later.  Amongst all the other things that were going on in my head, I made a note that I would never have my girl now.  I know that probably sounds silly, it should not have been where my head was right then, but I did think about it. My friends told me I could meet someone else and have a another baby if I wanted.  I couldn't even imagine that.  And so I mourned this loss that was never really mine to begin with.  The year of my divorce was one of the darkest periods of my life. But as a result, the boys and I grew closer.  My role as a mother became even more rewarding.  I reached a point where I realized my life was perfect with my boys and I no longer needed my girl.  In fact, I no longer wanted a 3rd child.  I looked at my boys and knew that the divorce had created a very special bond between the 3 of us and I couldn't imagine a third child now.  My hurting heart was being refueled with their love and that was enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment