283 : My Single Mom Insecurity

The other morning, my oldest son had a 'donuts with grownups' get together at his school.  I never directly mentioned this to my Ex, although I did leave the invitation from school on the counter for him to see when he was with the boys.  He also received the school emails to inform him of what was going on.  We never spoke of it, though.  So when the morning arrived, it was just my son and I that attended.  We went to school as per our normal routine.  But that day, I would be sticking around for a while.  The other students and parents began to funnel into the classroom.  I knew most of the kids in the class by name and many of the parentsI recognized but I didn't know any of them well. I felt a little insecure in this setting.  I found that every event that I tried to participate in with my son's school (which admittedly was not many) I was a little nervous.  I wasn't really friends with any of the other parents and I didn't have a partner with me for support.  I wasn't making a huge effort to engage with the school either.  Perhaps that was my fault, but I didn't think I'd be back there next year (not sure yet where I'd be) so I wasn't really investing in meeting people there.  It was apparent, though that other people were investing and getting to know each other.  I don't think anyone was looking at me with judgement but I still felt insecure about being a single mom during those situations.  It bothered me that my Ex had put not only me in this situation, but also our son.  It felt unfair.  My son wasn't the only child who's father wasn't in the room that morning, but it still bothered me.  I knew that what I was feeling wasn't coming from anyone but myself, but I still felt it.  I was on the outside looking in and I hated it.  That feeling made me want to explain to everyone that not only was I divorced because my Ex had abandoned me but also that my Ex was barely in the picture.  And I'm not sure why I needed that information out to feel comfortable.  I didn't communicate that to anyone, of course.  I just put a smile on my face and tried my best to be present.  These challenges with school were only just beginning.  Hopefully it would get easier, but just the same I made a mental note of another thing I'd need to discuss with my therapist.