357 : Personal Success

As I enter the final 9 posts (only 8 more after this one!) I have become aware of something.  Over the past year, I began feeling better emotionally for several reasons- one of which was the taste of personal success.  Let me explain.  Getting divorced made me feel many, many things.  One of which I have yet to discuss is the feeling of failure. We've all been there.  It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world.  Whether you've failed a test or failed in a contest or worst of all things failed your parents.  Divorce made me feel this in the worst way possible.  I had experienced failure in my life before, but more often it seemed as though I excelled at things.  And I don't mean that in an arrogant way either- I worked hard to be good at things. Growing up I wanted to dance, so I took lessons for almost 14 years and I grew into a good dancer.  I also liked singing and I excelled in this up until my senior year of high school where I was cut from the elite singing group Varsity Voices.  This was a failure that hurt and continued to bother me in some way for many years.  I think in this moment though, I can identify that it was the failure itself that hurt more than the lost experience.  I did not like this feeling of failure.  And divorce delivered it more than anything else I had ever experienced.  It was a tough hit to take.  So perhaps part of the reason I started writing was to create that feeling of personal success for myself.  I did not like the feeling of failure and I wanted to do whatever I could to make that go away.  And once I began feeling good from my writing, I excelled in other areas again.  I began to apply myself more at work.  I began viewing it more as a career than a job.  It felt as though people noticed.  I also continued to write; challenging myself to see if I could make the time and maintain interest.  And I did.  Not every day was great (see multiple obvious posts) but I still tried.  Until now I don't think I realized it, but this blog represented an opportunity for both commitment and success.  What had failed in my marriage could now be redeemed right here.  It felt wonderful to recognize this and cherish the personal success I was feeling.  I deserved it.