347 : My Single Mom Insecurity Part 2

I have never been very good at mingling in a group amongst strangers.  This is just not something that feels comfortable to me.  I hate it in fact.  I'm a friendly and social person, but I just do not do well in these situations.  I feel horribly uncomfortable and just want to retreat to a safer place.  I think these situations get harder and harder to tackle the older you get, too.  Especially when you are divorced and entering the situation alone.  Last night, for instance, I had an event for my son's school.  It was the Mom's Spa Night and I willingly chose to sign up.  Why would I put myself in this situation you might ask?  Well because I had to meet a fundraising goal as a parent of the school and a portion of this event would apply towards the overall goal.  And when the spa night opportunity came along, I figured why not?  I deserved a little pampering!  So I signed up and in doing so, I forgot temporarily what that actually meant.  I was putting myself into a situation where I knew nobody and more importantly, nobody knew my 'situation'.  And by situation I mean, abandoned by husband, single mom working full time raising two boys.  It may have been 8 months post divorce (see post #346) but I still felt safer being around people that knew what I had been through.  It seemed to add an extra layer of protection or security for me.  Last night, though, I did not have this.  I walked into an event full of 20 moms from my son's school- all of whom seemed to know one another and most certainly every one of them wearing a giant rock on their ring finger.  I can't remember the last time I felt so small or self conscious.  Was it that I was entering alone without a friend in the room or was it that I was divorced that made me feel so uncomfortable?  I wasn't sure which bothered me more but regardless the spa night was anything but relaxing.  I attempted to make small talk with some of the other women.  I reviewed the nail polish colors for almost 15 minutes longer than I needed to, only because I wasn't sure what to do with myself.  And finally, I even caught myself starring at the floor more than once because I didn't know where to look or what to do with myself.  Yes, I actually just starred at the floor.  I knew that I was so much more than the very small, insecure person I felt like in that room but I couldn't talk myself out of those feelings at that moment.  So I did what anyone would do in that situation.  I slammed a glass of wine, finished my services and got the hell of out there.  It was a nice try, but I wouldn't do that to myself intentionally again for a while.