41 : Be Honest With Yourself About What You Want

I've never been the type of girl to hop from relationship to relationship.  I've probably always been way too preoccupied with my girlfriends to care all that much.  I mean, I've had boyfriends.  But I have definitely spent a good chunk of time being single as well.  If you asked my parents, they might even say at one point they wondered if I would ever meet someone and get married.  Well I did.  And if you've been following me at all, then you know what happened there.  As I worked through the different emotions associated with my divorce, one of the first things I recognized was that I didn't want to be alone.  It's not that I couldn't be alone- it was that I didn't want to be alone. I had spent a big part of my 20's being single and determining what I wanted in life.  And for a short time, I had it.  I had a wonderful husband.  I had two great kids.  We were a family.  I had always wanted a family.  I had wanted a family with my husband and just because he changed, didn't mean that I changed.  I had loved my husband very much and never wanted things to end this way.  But despite that, I still wanted all the things I wanted before.  A partner.  A best friend.  A husband to complete our family.  At first, I felt hesitant to express that.  I felt guilty.  I had loved my husband so much that I wanted to find someone else?  I worried about how that sounded.  But then I realized, what had happened here was completely out of my control.  I didn't need to feel bad about wanting what I wanted.  I deserved to be happy and I couldn't let my fear of judgement hold me back from having that.   Anyone who didn't understand, well, that would be their problem.  Was I ready to meet someone else?  I wasn't sure.  But I knew it was what I wanted.  I didn't need time to find myself or figure out what I wanted in life.  I already knew.  Now how to get there...that was a completely different story.  I made a mental note that I would have to set aside some time with my therapist to talk through that.  One day at a time.