36 : Stop Trying to Understand

Too often, I was taken back to the night that my husband first expressed to me he was unhappy. It had been such a shock. Almost like the flip of a switch. It was a Sunday evening and I had started making dinner. I think it was a simple meal, too- green beans and chicken maybe? I remember I had just poured the olive oil in the pan on the stove and I looked over and saw my husband somewhat hunched over the counter. Something was wrong. I asked him what it was and he responded I’M NOT HAPPY. That was the phrase that changed my life. I instantly felt sick but still did not thoroughly understand what he was referring to. He had never been a big fan of green beans- was it this dinner? Was he stressed about work? Was he just in a bad mood at that moment? No, it was none of those. It was me. He was unhappy with me. It was nearly impossible to comprehend. I’m not going to say that our marriage was without flaw- I don’t believe any married person could look you in the eyes and honestly say that. But we were partners. We were in it together. We were a team. And then suddenly we weren’t. The months that followed left confusion, unanswered questions and introduced conspiracy theories. Is there someone else? Do you think he met someone else? He must’ve met someone else. To this day, I cannot confirm or deny with certainty whether there was (is) someone else but in my heart of hearts I do not believe that was the cause of this. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t care. I mean that- I really don’t care. The fact was he didn’t want me anymore. What else was there to say? I spent a lot of time dissecting our conversations in my head trying to understand what in the world had happened? This man had once loved me. He had adored me. He was in it forever. How could this change? I had started going to therapy (see post #7) and spent many sessions discussing this with my therapist.  And then one day my therapist said:

You may never understand.

The words were terrifying. How could I get on with my life if I still couldn’t understand what had happened here? I needed a way to process this in order to move on.  But as time passed, I started to realize that she was right. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I would never understand. I needed to stop trying to understand. Of course it was easier said than done, but I coached myself on this from time to time. I needed to put my energy into other things rather than trying to make sense of it all.  It would never make sense.  All that mattered was in the end, I would be okay. I would be okay.