277 : Show Me the Money : Part 3

Is there something wrong with me that I don't think I feel any love for my Ex still?  Does this make me a bad person?  I mean, I trusted this person.  I thought it was forever with this person.  I loved him.  And now, a year later and I don't feel any love for him.  At all.  Is that wrong?  The other night, we had a money oriented conversation.  I had worried about said conversation for 3 solid days.  1 Conversation.  I was nervous about how to approach it and even more nervous about how he would receive it.  Still, I prepared.  And when we spoke that night...it went well.  Well.  It wasn't great but it was well.  I'd take it.  In fact, it felt like this was a milestone.  I had a difficult conversation with no emotion behind it.  I felt like that was another milestone.  I felt no anger.  I wasn't hurt.  I addressed my Ex like a business parter; direct and to the point.  And he responded as though he received it that way!!!!  Touchdown!  And then, the best part of all was that after we spoke, I called my parents to let them know it went well and then I didn't think about it again that night.  A HUGE milestone!

We agreed to a shared google document that tracked all commission activity.  It would be better for both of us to have a record and a shared reference was even better.  He said he was going to meet his obligations financially.  And I believed that was his intention.  We had many years ahead of us where things could change.  But for now, I was thankful we had established a reasonable method of tracking this and neither of us were put off by the conversation.  That was certainly progress.

276 : Show Me the Money : Part 2

It went well.  I don't want to spend any more time thinking about this today.  I will elaborate tomorrow.

275 : Show Me the Money

Well an interesting discovery was made this week.  My Ex had earned his first bonus post divorce.  And since the boys and I were entitled to 28% of that, he delivered it to us right away.  The thing was, though, it was not exactly how I thought it was going to go down.  On Sunday when he brought the boys home after having them that weekend, he set down some cash on the counter and explained that was my cut.  He provided no context on how much the check was and I didn't even have a chance to count it right then.  I was caught off guard to say the least as the boys climbing all over me.  I thought the money would be deducted from his commission checks just like my child support was deducted from his regular pay checks.  He said no, but I was determined to look into it.  I called my dad later that night and inquired about how this worked and he agreed the money should be automatically deducted just like the rest of the child support.  As an attorney, that is how he set it up for his clients.  Okay, great.  I looked into my paper work from my attorneys and it did not appear to be set up that way.  Being the worrier I was, I stewed on this all night to the point that I had a stomachache from anxiety.  I reached out to my attorneys first thing the next morning to hopefully clarify the situation.  They explained to me that in the state of Illinois, you had to set the deduction to a specific dollar amount, not a percentage.  Therefore, there was no way to receive any bonus/commission check money automatically.  I would have to hope my Ex would be forthright with me every time he got a commission check and ask him to provide me with a copy of the check so I could verify the percentage.  Kill me now.  My biggest issue with him post divorce was dealing with financial matters.  As it was already, we had a very strict calendar (see post #262) that itemized when money was due and what amount and it was still often difficult at times to get that money from him (see post #227).  I asked my attorney about any way around this- I hated the fact that I had to enforce this.  I had no way of knowing even if/when he was getting a commission check, let alone the amount.  And knowing that this was the biggest area for growth in his salary over the next decade, it made me sick that I would have to just keep asking and tracking it all myself.  It seemed so simple, and yet there was nothing the law could do to automate what was rightfully mine.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to address this with him to see if we could agree to a system to work together.  But I was dreading that conversation.  Here I thought this was all behind me and now I had to go there again- even though it had been agreed to- to arrange how we'd handle this moving forward.  Now I just want to say, for the record, I didn't think my Ex was intentionally planning to withhold any money from me.  He said he wanted to do right by me and the boys (financially speaking) and I believed this to be true.  However, my experience to date was we both had a lot going on in our lives and it was just complicated to keep track of it all.  I could see something easily getting lost in the shuffle.  My attorneys offered the option that if it was easier- I could just get his W2s at the end of the year and request all the commission money at once, but I feared he would no longer have it if I did it that way.  Plus I could use the money now.  I felt sick just thinking about it.  I would see him that night and we'd have our discussion.  Fortunately I had a visit with my therapist that day to help prep me in advance.  To be continued...

274 : We All Feel It

I write this post today for all the single parents out there that feel the punishment every time their children go away with their other parent.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  I learned quickly that I didn't want to witness this.  It was painful.  Even nearly a year after my then husband moved out and 5 months after my divorce was official, it was still hard to watch.  Fortunately for me, we had an arrangement in which my nanny was usually there for the "exchange".  This way, I didn't have to see them leave.  But they made me pay for it upon their return.  I knew it must've been hard for them, too.  They were with me all week.  And then they were with me on the weekend.  Then the following weekend they would go with their dad.  Perhaps there was a grandparent visit in there, too. I felt bad sometimes about how much they were transported.  I mean, it was all to be with people that adored them, but it still made me feel bad none the less.  I worried that as soon as they were getting comfortable in one setting they were up and moved.  They were young and resilient, so I told myself they were okay (but I still felt bad). And the Sundays when they returned home after having spent the weekend with their dad or their grandparents were definitely tough.  Take this last weekend for instance.  They were happy to see me immediately, but they both cried a lot more than normal just within the couple hours they were with me before bed time.  Perhaps they were tired.  Okay, yes that happened.  It seemed, though, like it was more than that.  Sometimes I felt like they were punishing me for not being with them over the weekend.  I knew that was not necessarily the case, or in the very least a conscious choice but it felt that way just the same.  I had to remember to be extra rested, extra calm and extra patient for those Sundays - for all of our sakes.  I told myself not to take it personally when the meltdowns seemed greater than normal on those Sundays.  We all felt it.  And if we had to go through a couple rough hours to get back into our groove, then so be it.  I knew we'd always get to the other side.

273 : The Dinner Party

I attended a very mature dinner party this past weekend.  I say mature, because I've been getting together with this same group of friends for years now and almost every time we got rowdy and out of hand.  Sometimes there wasn't even dinner involved.  This time, though, it was different.  The host was my friend, The Don (see post #63) and she delivered far and above what I had expected.  The table was set and looked beautiful, the food was perfection and the wine was, well, ever present.  I was the only single one among a group of couples, and while I was aware of that, I never felt out of place.  We sat down to dine and once everyone had their plates dished up, the topic of parenthood came into play.  We all laughed about the many clichés that had proven to be true when you become a parent.  (Less sex and frequent talk of poop among other things).  Then someone asked what the biggest surprise was in becoming a parent?  It was interesting to hear the responses- both from the women and the men.  They were all true.  Every person's comment.  True and relatable.  I felt immediately supported and validated in all my efforts as a mom.  And what was even more interesting was that my challenges as a single mom, were very similar to the challenges of any mom.  Sure, I did have more on my plate in some ways, but my life would be very similar had I still been married.  I probably would've still felt tired all the time from the demands my children put on me, I would overanalyze my choices and I would still seek feedback and advice from my mom and other moms who were closer to it than any dad.  I enjoyed the comfort of knowing I was not in it alone.  I knew that at my core, but it was always nice to be reminded, especially over a glass of wine.

272 : Deep Thoughts on Sunday Morning

Everyone always says they like hard wood floors but actually I can't wait to have a house full of carpet someday.

271 : How Can I Stay Mad at You?

The other night, I attempted to be a super cool mom.  I ignored the rigid schedule we usually followed and after their doctor appointment that evening, I got my kids McDonalds for dinner.  Scoff if you will at that, but McDonalds was about as cool as you could get to a 3 year old.  If you recall, the last time I took my boys to the doctor (see post #180) it was a nightmare.  And so in order to prepare for this next appointment, I had to be upfront with my 3 year old.  You can totally reason with a 3 year old, right?  Of course!  I explained to him that we had to go to the doctor for his brother and I needed his cooperation.  I was depending on him to be a good listener and my helper while we were there.  I promised if he could do that for me, I would treat him to McDonalds that night.  That's all I had to say and he was on board.  And amazingly enough- it worked!  I mean I was able to hold the threat of McD's over his head successfully for the full hour and a half we were at the doctor.  We got home and the boys quickly changed into their pajamas, washed their hands and settled at their small table in front of the TV for an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  I sat back and indulged on my own McDonalds feast (no judgement, please) thinking what a cool mom I was that night.  We finished the show, got teeth brushed and headed to their room for what I thought was going to be a quick book and then lights out.  My oldest seemed tired- he settled in without a fight and even let me tuck him in.  When I finished the book, I began to say my good nights and creep out of the room.  And here is where it all began to go down hill.  My oldest son did not want to go to bed.  But we had discussed this, remember?  He agreed if I let him stay up, he would go right to bed when I said it was time.  The tantrum that erupted was far too long for one parent to endure alone.  It was painful and I no longer felt cool in any way.  This was why I kept them on a schedule!!!  Before I knew it, it was almost 10pm.  I finally conceded and agreed to let my son lay down in my bed.  But I was mad.  All I had wanted was a little time- maybe an hour- to unwind by myself.  Having spent my only free time of the day fighting with him, I gave in and called it a night myself.  I brushed my teeth and climbed in bed not engaging my son in any way.  It didn't matter though.  My son was so thrilled to be with me, he leaned in towards me and said: Mommy, I like how your mouth smells (the toothpaste).  How could I stay mad? I like how your mouth smells.  It might have been the funniest thing I had heard in a very long time.  I turned off the lights, shut my eyes and I am pretty certain I fell asleep with a smile on my face.