291 : All You Need is Love

Love is a very funny thing.  It can fill you up.  It can beat you down.  It can conquer all (or so they say).  I no longer felt love of any sort for my Ex.  Yet somehow, my heart was still bursting full.  Not every moment of every single day, but most days, and especially on my good days- I felt my heart was full of love.  The main reason for this?  Or should I say the two main reasons for this?  My sons.  They somehow had moved in and filled that void that can been created in my heart.  I just adored them.  They were so cute.  Funny.  Innocent.  I knew that they were the reason that many days I felt happy...thankful...content.  While I wanted to meet someone new for myself, there was nothing motivating me to do so.  Because someone already had my heart- and for now that felt like enough.  It's not that I wasn't ready- that wasn't the case.  I think it was more that I didn't feel the need at the moment.  Was this a bad thing?  Longterm, probably yes.  But for now, and especially on Valentine's Day of all days, it was enough and I was going to enjoy that.

290 : A Gift

Last night was supposed to be my Ex's night with our boys.  Every Wednesday, he would come to the apartment and I had a couple hours of freedom to do whatever I needed.  But early that morning, he texted me there had been a situation at work.  He was unsure if he would be able to make it.  He wanted to give me ample notice.  I appreciated this, as even though it was the day of, the circumstance was not his direct fault and notifying me as soon as he learned of it was improvement.  Perhaps a few months ago, I would've been furious at this situation because should I have a work problem pop up, I would just have to figure it out.  I was responsible for our kids at all times by default and it felt like he was not.  But last night for some reason, I almost felt relieved that he had to cancel.  It was cold outside and all I wanted to do after work was go home, put on my comfy pants and cuddle with my favorite 2 little men in the world.  I wanted to listen to my youngest son giggle at all the right parts of Despicable Me 2, our new family favorite (not that we watched the entire movie every night- just a couple key scenes that the boys liked).  I also wanted to have my oldest ask me how my day was, a new habit he had started as of late.  For some reason, it always seemed the nights that I was free to go, were the nights that I longed to be home.  So last night, I was thankful that the cancellation from him was such a gift for me.

289 : I'm Trapped by the Panic in my Head

Last week, my son came home from pre school with a registration folder for the following year.  Now, I'm a planner, don't get me wrong.  But it was February.  I was still very uncertain of what I would be doing next year.  I knew that I wanted to stay in Chicago.  I had hoped to find an affordable house in the suburbs.  At first I was thinking I would rent, but as I researched I learned that rent prices were through the roof and sale prices were slightly more within reach. Okay, so now buying a house was on the table.  My lease went until August, but truthfully I would have to figure something out long before then because I wanted my kids to be settled in time for school in the fall.  Normally, when I began to feel the panic of what was next, I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself I had time.  This time, however, seemed different.  Perhaps because I knew that change was inevitable here and I was very unsure of what that change looked like.  There were a lot of things going through my head at rapid speed- what was best for me personally, what was best for me professionally and what was best for my kids immediately.  I sat down at my computer and jokingly typed into google, "where are i supposed to be"?  Much to my surprise, a web site popped up as the top item of my search results that I immediately had to check out.  The site was positivelypositive.com and the title of this particular post was You Are Exactly Where You’re Supposed To Be by Bethany Butzer, PH.D.  The article talked about how the author brought herself out of this future focused perspective by remembering 2 things:
1.  How far she had come
2.  The perfection of her current circumstances (even when the present moment felt difficult)

1.  Okay, I could do this.  Let's pause for a moment to reflect on how far I had come in the past year.  My goodness, I had emotionally survived a divorce and was still getting out of bed each and every day.  I was more than just surviving these days, I was thriving in my new life. I had proven to myself that time truly did heal all wounds and life would go on.  

And 2.  My current circumstances...well, I hadn't made any big moves (besides the divorce itself) in the past year, and now I was ready for a change.  I was choosing this change versus being forced into it and I was fortunate that was the case.  And I had time.  I was nervous because I couldn't visualize what was next, but I was conscious of that and looking into things earlier than I needed to so that I could get prepared.  Bottom line, though, I had time.  Okay...it worked.  I was able to dial back the panic and refocus on where I was at that moment.  I would have to remember this exercise moving forward as I was sure this wouldn't be the last time it happened.  

288 : The Tiniest Gentleman I Know

As I've touched on in previous posts, I have often worried that my divorce was going to impact my boys in a negative way.  I worried they would grow up to have more problems as a result of it.  I worried they would not be good communicators.  I worried they would feel insecure or have doubts about how loved they were.  I did the best I could to raise them, but I'm not going to lie, I still worried from time to time.  It's not like anything had happened to make me worry, I just felt like perhaps I had failed them by getting a divorce (not that it was my choice!)  Still, I felt it.  It wasn't keeping me up at night and I was still enjoying my time with them, but that fear was always there somewhere, in the back of my head.  And then the other night, the sweetest, most loving gesture occurred.  I was putting my boys to bed and my youngest wanted water.  I asked my oldest if he too wanted water and he said no.  So, I carried my youngest out to the kitchen on my hip and started to get the sippy cup out of the drawer.  That's when it happened.  My oldest came out after me and said:

I'll get it, Mom.  Your hands are full.

No, I am not making this up.  He really saw that I did indeed have my hands full with his younger brother and stepped in to help.  Was he just wanting to assert himself more now that he knew how to do things?  Did he recognize how much I was doing all by myself?  I wasn't sure.  And to be honest, it didn't really matter.  At age 3, he was already identifying how he could help.  He had a heart of gold.  Why in the world was I worried?  My boys would be fine.  They would be better than fine.  They would be great.

287 : New Couch

I got a new couch yesterday.  It wasn't brand new, but it was pretty close.  My friend at work had friends who owned this "really nice" couch but for some reason, they decided after a very short time to upgrade.  They just wanted their old couch out of there, so my friend at work offered it to me at no cost.  All I had to do was pick it up.  So, I did a few laps around the floor at work and in no time, I had recruited a couple guys to help.  Now, I wasn't in the market for a new couch.  But I saw a picture of it, and I just figured, why not?  I still had my Ex's chairs in our apartment and this was the perfect excuse to get them out.  I was so over my place.  I know, I had begged my landlord to let me stay there (see post #63) and I still think that was the right move at the time.  Still, now that more time had passed, I felt more adjusted in my newly single life and I was ready for a clean slate.  I started with my bedroom (see post #256).  I had no plans to invest in anything else with the rest of my home until I moved, but then this offer came to me and well you see where I'm going with this.  It was more than just a couch for me.  It was yet another opportunity to start fresh in my life- specifically in this case, in my home.  I liked the idea of having new and different things than when I was married.  It helped to make me feel more excited and comfortable about the changes in my life.  And I changed my son's diaper on it just a few hours after getting it, so it was officially mine.  Yippy!

286 : Wise Words from my Mom

My mom had a saying that she had used with me many times in regards to parenthood.

Just when you think you can't stand it anymore, it changes.

She had used this phrase with me when my first son was an infant.  He wasn't sleeping through the night yet and I was exclusively nursing and EXHAUSTED.  And sure enough, right when I thought I couldn't take one more night of it, he slept through the night.  He didn't sleep perfectly every night from there on out, but it was enough to make me believe.  I know the phrase was used again with me after my second son was born, although given all the changes in my life at that time, I can't remember the circumstance specifically.  Then, there was last Sunday.  Yes, last Sunday, I thought I was going to lose it. My kids were bad.  Both of them.  Very, very bad.  They got into the fireplace (twice) and threw all the rocks in there on the carpet.  Timeout #1 of the day.  They threw their pasta dinner all over the ground thinking it was hilarious.  Timeout #2.  And finally, while brushing their teeth that night, my oldest grabbed some scissors and cut (yes, CUT!) his younger brother's hair.  I was so furious, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry.  They must have felt the wrath, too because they both went to bed immediately that night without any hesitation.  So now, one week later, I feel as though I must acknowledge the wise words of my mom again, after enjoying a very pleasant day with my kids.  This morning we started our day at a leisurely 7:30.  The boys played nicely together while I made breakfast and tidied up around the house.  Now they were still 1 and 3 - that would not change.  But our day was fun with no major meltdowns.  We had a birthday party in the afternoon and when we got home they went right to bed.  A week ago, I thought I couldn't stand one more minute of it.  And then it changed.  I was smart enough to know today could have just been a pure coincidence, but nonetheless, I would take it.

285 : Stop to Enjoy the Little Things

I barely have any space to sleep tonight because there are two boys in my bed.  Two boys!  In my bed!  It's my fault - I allowed it to happen.  So, even though I am tired and wish I had a little more space in my own bed, I can still stop to appreciate how cute they are.  Especially when they are sleeping!!!