253 : Resolve

I'm not perfect.  I know this.  I am who I am and I think I accept that for the most part.  I like myself in fact.  But there are always things- some big, some small, that I'd like to improve upon.  For 2014, I made a resolution that I was going to stop allowing myself to get angry with my Ex.  This wasn't the only thing I had resolved to do in the new year, but this was definitely one that I had really noted to myself as an area of improvement.  It happened a lot.  He'd say something that would just rub me the wrong way.  Or he'd do nothing but the fact that he was my Ex and I still had to deal with him would aggravate me to no end.  The purposes of my resolution had nothing to do with him - it was entirely for me.  I didn't want to be that person.  I didn't like being angry or unhappy.  It's not like I felt this way all the time, but I did feel it.  It wasn't all consuming and I wasn't walking around mad at the world.  He just bothered me.  Or should I say I let him bother me.  And I don't mean in a heart broken way, either.  I mean - you are such a selfish mother f**ker.  I think I hate you - kind of way. Even if I never said it to anyone and it just went through my head when I saw him.  I really wanted to rid myself of those thoughts in 2014.  I knew this would be hard and I knew it might not even happen entirely.  But I felt it was good to have a goal like this for myself.  Let's start the year off right.  Fresh.  Happy.  And then my Ex brought my kids back to me on new years day.  Our exchange was short but pleasant.  This was good.  That's when he said it.

Let's hope 2014 is a better year for both of us.

Anyone that doesn't know my Ex might think that is a nice thing to say.  And perhaps he meant it that way.  I just could not believe he had the audacity to say that to me.  Me of all people.  The thoughts than ran rapid through my mind at that moment were far from pleasant.  So it was only day 1 into the new year and I had already failed on one of my resolutions.  I would keep trying.  And well, there was always 2015.

252 : Take a Snow Day

Literally.  The city is shutdown.  More to come tomorrow.

251 : To My Wonderful Sister

Okay, I'm going to state one of the more shallow disappointments that comes with divorce.  You don't get presents anymore.  I mean yes, you get a few little things- things you need- but that one person who likes to spoil you and get you what you want is no longer in your life.  Thus, you don't get presents.  I guess I was already in the middle of my divorce when I had a birthday last year- maybe I noticed it then?  I'm not sure.  If I did, I don't recall.   However, I was aware of it this year for Christmas.  Now don't get me wrong- if you didn't read my holiday blogs, please go back and do so (see posts #237 - 241)  I had a wonderful holiday.  I could not have asked for a better holiday.  I felt mentally healthy the entire time which is about the best thing you can hope for post divorce during the holidays.  But if I'm being honest here (which I can be because it's my blog) I was aware that I wasn't going to be getting anything special from someone for Christmas.  You don't really get presents anymore when you are divorced.  It's just a fact that most people don't share openly, so I'm putting it out there.  Okay.  So we've covered that.  Well, fortunately for me- I still had someone special who was thinking about me and bought me something that I really wanted this year:  my sister.  I'm not even sure how I shared the information with her.  I know we were on the phone one day leading up to Christmas and I was probably trying to do too much while my kids were squealing in the background.  She was definitely trying to do too much with similar chaos at a distance.  This seemed to be how most of our phone conversations went these days.  Neither of us having much time to talk, but wanting to touch base so the calls tended to be somewhat hectic.  I recall rambling off a couple things I wanted for Christmas uncertain if she was even listening, but most certainly not expecting anything from her.  We didn't exchange presents anymore- the focus had shifted to the kids.  But my sister who certainly had a full plate to balance as a mother, wife, doctor and social butterfly must have noted the boots I mentioned during that call because she got them for me for Christmas.  My first Christmas.  Post Divorce.  When you realize for the first time that you no longer get gifts.  I received a gift.  I didn't know how she did it all.  And I most certainly didn't know how I could thank her enough.  The woman had it all.  A great husband.  Three healthy and wicked smart kids.  A thriving career.  And yet she made it all look completely effortless.  My mom and I had even discussed how easy going and casual she was about all of us invading their house unexpectedly when we lost power (see post #238).  We both wished we could be as 'go with the flow' as my sister was.  And now she had just celebrated her 40th birthday this past week and I knew there was nothing I could really give her in return that would mean nearly as much.  The only thing I could think of that would come even close, were my words.

So, here's to my wonderful sister.  Happy Birthday!  I hope you had an amazing dinner last night.  You impress me with how you make it all look so easy.  And my god, you make 40 look good!  Thank you for your kindness, generosity and loving support every day.  I am so very thankful for you.

250 : The Single Mom Version of the Penis Talk

It begins for boys at a very young age.  A very very young age.  Their obsession with their penis.  I can hardly even type that word without giggling a little.   It's immature, yes I know.  But still, I giggle just the same.  Before I was a mom, I had no idea about this.  I mean, I knew that boys liked to play around with it, but I didn't comprehend to what extent.  And I had no idea how young it started.  Both of my boys had baby boners.  It shocked the hell out of me the first time I saw it- again, I had heard this happened, but they were literally babies!  And then it seemed like as soon as they could actually grasp anything, their hands just went there.  Every time.  Just try changing a diaper without a hand instantly clamping down on the little wee.  It's not going to happen.  Most recently, my youngest had started saying 'pee pee'.  He would say it when he went to the bathroom, but it was also in reference to his unit.  I know for certain that my oldest never grabbed his crotch and called it out by name at 17 months, but each child was special in their own way I guess:)  I was going through the bedtime routine the other evening and was trying to get both of my boys in their pjs.  They were both a little rowdy- they had been cooped up inside for almost a week while the colds were fighting their way through their little bodies.  I nearly had to pin down my youngest so I could change his diaper.  And then began our first mother to son(s) penis talk.  He grabbed himself and announced proudly PEE PEE.  This caught my oldest's attention.  Perhaps he had not realized prior to that moment that he was not the only one with a pee pee. Or maybe he was just curious in general, but he crouched down by my youngest and repeated PEE PEE.  And then my oldest said he wanted to touch my youngest's pee pee.  It was innocent enough but I had to respond quickly and NOT LAUGH!  I told my oldest to get back a little (he was very close) and that pee pees were private and we didn't touch other people's privates.  So then he asked if he could touch his own pee pee?  Yes.  And then he asked if he could touch my pee pee?  No.  I thought it might be too much to explain at that moment that I didn't have a pee pee, so I just left it at NO.  He seemed satisfied with that answer and then went on to state all possibilities of interacting with anyone else's pee pee and how he could not touch it, but he could touch his pee pee.  Yes.  And then he suddenly wanted fruit snacks and that was the end of our first penis talk.  I laughed to myself thinking of all the good penis talks we still had in front of us.  I might have to do some research on this one.

249 : Take a Chance

So I had been asked out recently (see post #229) and agreed to go out on a date.  The guy was a good guy.  A nice, genuine, all around good guy.  He was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable around him.  But something just wasn't there for me.  I can't explain it any other way.  I just didn't have those feelings.  I know, I know - sometimes it took a couple dates to get those feelings.  This was not that case here though.  I just knew.  I had a good time with him on the date, but I knew with certainty it would never develop into anything beyond a friendship.  I felt disappointed that night.  Not so much that it hadn't been a nice evening (it had!) more just disappointed with myself.  I wanted to like him.  I wanted to be excited about going out with him.  A friend had even asked me that day prior to our date (Was I excited?)  and I had to answer honestly.  No.  To be fair, I was in no way dreading it either- I just didn't know what I was feeling towards him yet so I wasn't exactly excited.  And then when my instinct was confirmed that I didn't really feel that way about him, I just felt disappointed with myself.  Would I ever get to a point that I actually felt excited about a guy again?  I'm not talking about a serious relationship, I'm just talking feeling excited about someone.  My god, I certainly hoped so!  I started to dissect the situation far more than I needed to and then something occurred to me.  In my younger days, I would not have even gone out with this guy.  I wouldn't have ever considered it could turn into something if my gut said otherwise.  And so maybe I was right this time, but I still tried.  I still said yes, and put myself out there and took a chance that it could be something.  I hadn't lost anything in my efforts.  In fact, I may have even grown closer with someone who would stay a friend in the future.  I didn't know if I would ever feel butterflies in my stomach again or fall hard for someone else.  But I knew that by putting myself out there, there was a chance that I would.  It was okay that I didn't feel it this time.  It was worth the possibility.

248 : Watch Your Alma Mater Win the ROSE BOWL!

Michigan State won the 100th Rose Bowl last night.  Michigan State!  WON!  The Rose Bowl!  For the first time in 26 years!  There really wasn't much to say, other than what an awesome victory for MSU and what a wonderful way to start off the new year.  I wore my oversized T shirt around the apartment last night trying to focus on the game while my 2 little people were running all over the joint.  They were excited to be home after spending 5 days with their dad.  I made delicious 'tailgate sandwiches' for us - thinking that since I was the mother of 2 boys, it was important I know how to cook for a big football game.  And surprisingly, both boys liked them!  Another win that night:)  With the final minutes counting down, both boys climbed on my lap and the 3 of us watched together.  I didn't plan it that way, they just somehow both knew.  And then my boys started fighting over the 1 Michigan State baseball hat that we had in the house (my youngest eventually winning!)  It was such a cute moment.  It was definitely a different family memory than I had ever expected to have, but I was thankful to share it with them.  I was already noting how I would tell them one day years down the road, how they were 1 and 3 when they first saw Michigan State win the Rose Bowl.  We were all sick with nasty colds, but I let them stay up to watch the end of the game.  And then we all celebrated, jumping up and down and dancing around.  If this victory was any indication of what 2014 was going to look like, then I think we were going to have a good year.  A very good year.

247 : Happy New Year

I took my own advice and wrote a letter to my future self (see post #243).  I thought about doing this privately, but then realized I've shared so much of my private life here in the past year, it only felt right to continue to do so.  (Also, if I didn't post it here then I may not actually do it.  At least this way, I'm accountable!)

December 31, 2013

Dear Molly,

I'm writing this letter to you on New Year's Eve 2013.  The past year has been shitty as I'm sure you recall.  But you've held yourself together and moved forward with dignity and grace.  Always be proud of that.  I write this now as an exercise for the future.  I want to note what it is I want and hope to have 2 years from now.  Hopefully that is when you actually read this.

My hope is that by this time you are settled in a new home.  Currently, we live in an apartment on Western and both you & the boys are ready for more space (both), a yard (the boys) and a fresh start (you).  Whether you are renting or a home owner, I hope the place feels like home.  I hope you are happy there and have already created some new memories.

I also hope you feel proud and satisfied with where you are professionally.  Life is too short for anything else.  I know your job will never define you but you are also very good at whatever you do.  You are driven and ambitious.  I hope you feel valued in whatever role you are currently in.

I hope you still love being a mother and watching your boys grow.  I know it can be hard at times - especially doing it all alone- but I hope you still stop to take in all the magical moments around you.  Those boys are lucky to have you!  You are raising strong, confident, well adjusted young men. Again, feel proud of this as it's no small task.

I hope you are more than just a mother these days.  Meaning:  I hope you have someone special in your life who sees your true value.  I really hope it's a serous relationship- perhaps you are even remarried by now.  Regardless, I hope it's a partnership built on trust and understanding, mutual interests and values, acceptance and dedication to your children and above all else: unconditional love.  Please never forget you deserve all of this.  You deserve the butterflies in your stomach, 'can't live without you' love and a partner who is reliable and present in your life.  If you don't have this yet, I hope you haven't gotten cynical or given up on the possibility.  It will happen at some point.  Don't forget that.

I hope you've become desensitized to the word 'divorce', to your Ex in general and to what happened in the past year.  He's not worth your pain, your irritation or your anger.  What happened was not your fault and I don't want you to lose any more of yourself than you already have.  

Finally, I hope that you still know who you are.  I hope you are confident in your decisions.  I hope that you can trust yourself again.  You are a wonderful person who deserves all of this and more.

Love,

Molly