81 : Feel Sorry for Yourself

Anyone going through an enormous life change could attest to the fact that there would be good days and there would be bad days.  In the beginning, I was stuck in the deep dark smog of sadness and depression that came along with the initial discovery.  As time passed though, I began to have good days.  There was always the occasional set back here and there, but for the most part, I had accepted this fate and was determined to move forward.  But as the official divorce grew closer, I noticed the anxiety and depression were slowing increasing again.  The end was near- I had just gone away with my girlfriends for a divorce weekend (see post #78) to celebrate this, but it still wasn't official.  There continued to be emails from attorneys.  Court orders to take an online parenting class.  And waiting.  The god damned waiting game that haunted me more than anything.  I felt especially depressed one night after the weekend with my friends.  I was reminded at how lonely I was in the evenings having spent the weekend surrounded by friends.  No matter how strong or positive I tried to be, some days I just felt was sad and wanted to feel sorry for myself.  I hated it, but it was true.  I took a hot shower that night and then went to bed.  Things always looked better in the morning.