164 : Guide People on How to Help

Guide people on how they can help.  This was advice given to me by one of my closest friends very early on in the process.  Everyone would have an opinion and want to express it with the best intention, but it was important to guide them on what I needed at various times.  I accepted her advice whole heartedly because I experienced the need for it rather quickly.  I was having dinner with friends one night many months ago, and questions came up about my Ex and if he was having an affair.  At the time, I was not in a place to process this concept and I responded honestly that I didn't think this was happening.  They pressed the topic though, pointing out why it appeared that way.  I know their intentions were totally good.  They wanted the best for me and did not want me to be mislead in any way.  I know this.  However, the conversation did nothing for me but make me feel horrible.  Here I was, left to defend my Ex as to why I didn't think this was happening at a time when the last thing I wanted to do was defend him.  The conversation turned uncomfortable for all of us, when I merely said I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  This would not be the last time I found myself in that situation.  People loved me and they wanted to help.  Sometimes they said all the right things.  Sometimes they did not.  It's not like they knew what I wanted or needed to hear (often I didn't even know)!  I simply had to insert the phrase, I know you care about me, but this isn't helping.  I had to practice it so that I would be prepared to say the words when necessary.  People were often so shocked or infuriated with the actions of my Ex they focused the conversation on him.  I had spent so much time trying to get past him, I didn't want to think about him or dissect his choices any more than I already had to.  It was a unique place to be.  I had often sought out help and support.  But then at times I needed to shut it down.  Ultimately, I knew that everyone's heart was in the right place so hopefully they would respect my boundaries.  And if not, I would continue to guide them there.