162 : It's a New Season

In many ways, 2013 had been the longest year of my life.  And in other ways, it seemed to have flown by.  If you've been following my blog regularly then you know by now that my husband abruptly moved out last January.  He then filed for divorce in February.  It still was a incredibly puzzling to me, but what was even crazier was how well I had adjusted over the past 10 months.  I think I've mourned break ups of former boyfriends for longer that I had actually mourned the loss of my husband.  Don't confuse this- I was very upset about what happened.  I will say that again- I was VERY upset about what happened.  I think, though, having two innocent little beings totally relying on me, forced me to heal at a quicker pace.  And in watching the transformation of my Ex over the past year, I had accepted completely that this had nothing to do with me.  So I had made it through the summer pretty well.  Of course I had.  It was sunny!  The weather was warm!  Even drinks tasted better!  Summer just made everything a little easier to manage.  I still had rough days every now and then, but they were less and less as time went on.  Or maybe my ability to manage them was just improving.  And then summer ended.  Perhaps the weather didn't officially feel like it yet, but it was fall.  Football was on again, the evenings were getting darker earlier, and new TV was back on the air.  Soon it would be hibernating season again, and where would I be?  I didn't want to get caught up in the act of feeling sorry for myself or worrying about what was next.  I mean, I had those moments, but I didn't want to be consumed with them.  Feeling happy felt so much better than feeling lost.  So with the arrival of fall, I put my focus and energy into the best thing I had going for me:  my kids.  We put up some new seasonal decor in our apartment.  We went and got pumpkins together.  We visited my grandma and spent the whole morning raking the leaves in her backyard (and then my oldest jumped into the various piles of leaves throwing them everywhere).  A year ago - hell, even 6 months ago, I probably would've gotten depressed thinking about the fall and going through all these festivities alone.  Somehow, though, I didn't.  I could see with clarity that the three of us were happy together and it was almost a relief to have him out of the picture.  I never would've asked for things to be this way.  But I was moving on and actually couldn't be happier.  I still had a lot of living to do.