298 : A Minor Victory Post Divorce

Per the terms of our divorce agreement, my Ex is supposed to pay me (and the boys) a certain amount each week.  I’ve set this up for both of us to track in a shared calendar (see post #262).  Out of every paycheck, I get child support.  This is a standardized percentage that is automatically withdrawn from his check every pay period, routed through the state and then directly deposited into my account.  It typically takes 1 week to arrive in my account.  At first I found this to be inconvenient, but now that I am aware of the timing, it’s fine.  The weeks I am not receiving child support, my Ex gives me money for our nanny and for my oldest son’s school.  (the school payment is only once a month, but the nanny payment is twice a month).  So pretty much every single week I (we) receive something from him.  Or at least I (we) am (are) supposed to.  This past week, however, there was a little mishap.  On Friday, I waited to receive the money he was supposed to send as per usual.  By 5pm, I had still not heard from him, or received the money but I consciously chose to wait it out.  Money was a point of contention for both of us.  It caused me great stress and anxiety to have to initiate any conversations with my Ex about money.  This was stressful even during the time we were married, and it had only become more contentious since our divorce.  He approached every money conversation on the defense and he was typically angry about them.  I wanted nothing more than to NOT have to ask.  The terms had been set.  I just wanted him to pay the money and have us never discuss another dollar again.  But of course, that was not how it worked.  So back to last Friday.  The money was never sent.  I woke up Saturday morning bothered by this as I had already fronted the money for both our nanny and for school the day before.  Once again, he had put me in a position where he wasn’t following through and was not communicating with me about it in any way.  I sent him a money request through Chase and hoped that would be the end of it.  I went on with my day and by late afternoon, I noticed that there had still been no response to my request.  Okay, now I was getting pissed- I had properly planned my finances but because of him, I was going to be overdrawn in my account.  I texted him directly and asked him to please send me the money.  He responded telling me there had been a ‘glitch’ at the bank and his check was not deposited as it was supposed to.  Now to be clear, I am not suggesting he was lying here- you can all draw your own conclusions on that one.  What bothered me though, was that he had not reached out to tell me this.  If it was a problem with the bank- just send me a text and let me know so I can plan accordingly!!!!  This wasn’t the first time we had discussed this and it infuriated me his lack of communication.  (side note: situations like this reminded me how thankful I was we were no longer together).  We exchanged a few texts after that, none of which were productive.  The money was not there and it would not be there for a couple days.  Unfortunately for me, I was charged by my bank twice in a matter of 4 days for having insufficient funds.  Finally, on Wednesday the following week, my Ex received his check and sent the money as he was supposed to.  And now here comes my victory.  He asked me if I had been charged by my bank for having insufficient funds and I told him yes.  Twice.  He then sent the money to cover those charges.  VICTORY!  Was it a given that he should do this?  Yes.  But our conversations were already tense enough, I don’t think I ever would have asked him for it.  It was not worth the response.  So for once, he actually thought of it on his own and offered.  I knew it was a teeny tiny victory- and what would be better than getting the charges covered would be just to have him pay me in a timely manner.  But for now, I would acknowledge this as a victory just the same and I’d take it.  Until next time… 

297 : Love by the Numbers

I've been thinking about dating a lot as of late.  Where are all the good men?  How come nobody has snatched me up yet?  Here my Ex is already living with someone else (consciously refraining from commenting more on that) and yet I am just living the dream...alone.  It feels so unfair.  I know life is unfair, but this feels really unfair.  If only I could go back and do it all over again, what would I do differently?  Well I think we should start with college.  Right off the bat, I can say I did not take advantage of the dating options I had in college.  I was that girl.  I was far more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends that I was in having a relationship with a guy.  I mean, I liked guys.  I flirted with guys.  I hooked up with guys.  But I can't say I "dated" in college.  I don't even think I knew how to be in a relationship at that time.  Looking back, I can say now that was a prime opportunity to meet a good guy and I missed it.  (Additionally, I will say that if I could do it all over again, I think I would've been a little sluttier too, but that's besides the point.)  My first real relationship came after college and lasted a year, maybe two?  (Sad, that I don't even remember now).  We were clearly not meant to be, but that relationship taught me a lot about myself, about being vulnerable and yes of course, about love.  Our breakup was one a key factor (among others) that propelled my move to Chicago.  So if nothing else, I can thank him for that.  I was 25 when I moved here.  Again, if I could do it all over, I would have dated more at that age, too.  I moved here having just gotten out of a relationship and wanted to start my life fresh.  I wanted to focus on me.  And I'm sure that was a good thing, but what I would give to be 25 again in the big city!  (The view is much different from 37).  Moving on.  From the ages of 27-31, I had 3 different men for which I felt something.  I won't be naive enough to call it love, but it was certainly something.  There was Jim (I wrote him a letter?!?).  There was Matty (I was certain he was the one).  And finally there was my now Ex.  Now I know that there is no perfect formula or equation for finding love.  I know this.  But I felt it 3 times with 3 different men over the course of 5 years (and then yes, it extended with my then husband...taking us to present day which you all know about).  3 different guys in 5 years.  That's not bad.  If I'm doing the simple math here, then I'd like to think I am getting close to meeting someone new right about now because it had been over a year since I had felt anything for anyone.  I know it's a stretch, but it makes me feel good to look at it this way.  It's entirely possible.  Yup, that's how I'm going to leave this one for now.

296 : Cheers Mate!

Every now and then, when I'm finding myself thinking Why Me? (see post #294), I have to stop for a minute and take a look around.  Specifically, I find myself looking towards my friend, Nikki.  Nikki is probably one of the strongest people I know.  I know this about her, because I've seen her go through significant change over the past decade.  Maybe not the same change as what I've been through- her family has remained in tact and is stronger than ever, but it's still change none the less.  Nikki and her family moved from Detroit (just the two of them at the time) to Louisville (the 2 became 3) to then Chicago (3 + another on the way) back to Detroit (family of 5) and finally most recently to Australia.  I remember sitting on the sidelines observing each and every move, trying to be supportive for my friend.  I hope I truly was, because I'm not sure I had ever had my life uprooted so drastically until the past year.  Every time, though, Nikki seemed to find her way.  It wasn't always easy.  In fact, initially, it was never easy.  What change was easy?  But I was able to see the transformation each time.  It was difficult at first, but over time and with extensive effort, Nikki found her way.  Every time.  I admired how brave she was to start over again and again and again.  She just kept going.  And she always made it look so easy, that I sometimes forgot how hard it really was.  So now she was living in Australia of all places.  This final move was the culmination of everything that I admired about my friend.  Her adventurous spirit.  Her modesty in how hard she worked to make every move a success not only for herself, but for her whole family.  And above all else, her bravery in light of change. You never knew where life would take you.  And yet, my friend Nikki just continued to go along with it, enjoying the ride.  I was working towards living my life like that.  Who better to look to than my friend? Maybe I too would be in Australia a year from now?  (Okay, not likely and not the point.)  It was encouraging, though, to know that everyone had change in their life that they had to face - no matter how big or how small.  I had spent a long time watching my friend make adjustments her life.  I knew from her example, how I wanted to approach adjusting mine, too.  Thank you, Nikki!!!

To follow Nikki's adventures in Australia, visit her blog:
http://familyof5goesdownunder.blogspot.com/

295 : Take a Break from Writing

The snow is falling, the fire is going, the wine is flowing and I have the whole new season of House of Cards.  Enough Said.

294 : Why Me?

I had a lot of conversations with myself these days.  I mean, I interacted with others all day at work and I talked to my mom almost daily, but the person I talked with most these days...was myself.  I hated to admit it, but I still found myself saying at times, Why Me?  The question didn't come from an emotional place, but was just a legitimate question.  Why in the world did this happen to me?  It rose to the surface when I was attempting to get out the door and both of my boys were fighting over me to zip their jackets.  Or when I was trying to get dinner ready, while also tackling a chore that needed to get done simultaneously.  And I won't even go into dealing with a sick child, but the question came then as well.  Oh how different my life would have been were I to have a partner along for the ride.  I wasn't not talking about my Ex either, I was just talking about a partner in general.  Why Me?  As much as I had accepted what had happened, and was doing my best to move forward, the question still lingered from time to time.  And I tried not to sit with it for too long or else I would start to go to that emotional, feeling sorry for myself place that I visited on occasion.  The only thing that comforted me when that question came up was the belief that the "reason" was still out there and it would make itself known eventually.  I couldn't say when.  I couldn't say how. But I did believe that someday I would look back and say That's Why.  I had never been a very patient person.  I wanted to know how it all would work out.  There was no way of knowing, though, so I just had to sit back, relax and trust that it would indeed work out just as it should.

293 : Reflection

I was thinking about Valentine's Day the other night and where I was in my life at that moment.  I knew time was irrelevant but it had been a over a year since my husband abandoned me and I was still not dating.  I continued to say to as many times as possible- admittedly to remind myself- I was ready to meet someone new.  I was ready to date.  I wanted to find someone.  I wasn't in any way consciously holding myself back.  But was I truly trying to put myself out there?  Was I really available?  Honestly, I felt strongly that I was over my Ex.  I had believed him to be someone that he was not.  Or perhaps he had been that person at one time, but he changed.  When I saw him, I felt like he was a stranger.  Like someone I had never even known.  But I realized that I was very much still hurt and afraid of the act.  I was abandoned.  By the person that I trusted the most in my life.  I was terrified that this act would occur again.  Being dumped or rejected felt far less severe than being abandoned.  How could I ever believe that this wouldn't happen again?  How would I ever be able to open my heart again?  I didn't realize I was sad but the tears were there before I knew it.  And with a big exhale I felt a release far greater than I had expected.  I was still so completely hurt by the act.  Not so much the person, but the betrayal.  Because of this I had held myself back.  Not intentionally, but I had.  I was scared.  How could I ever feel confident about any man again?  And finally, how did I not realize I felt this way until this very moment?  I did not want my past to interfere with my ability to have a happy future.  I knew that.  I had no idea, though, how to ensure that.  But I had identified it!  That was a start.

292 : All You Need is Love : Part 2

Just in case, the post Valentine's Day hangover left me feeling the tiniest bit down, I took an insurance policy out in the simplest form available: a cookie.