336 : Spring is in the Air

I spent the day yesterday with my very good friends that live out in the suburbs.  They had two boys just like I did and our four little guys were already the best of buddies.  It was good to be around them and be reminded what a 'normal' family and marriage looked like.  They both participated.  They both engaged with the kids.  They both supported one another during the challenging times.  And this was just seen in one afternoon.  It was so obvious to me now how much I alone had been giving to our family prior to the divorce and how very little my Ex was invested.  Perhaps the whole thing wasn't so shocking afterall.  My friends made life look so easy.  So enjoyable.  I knew this wasn't the case all the time, but it was a good reminder to me that it was possible.  I knew that if I ever were to marry again, I wanted someone who was just happy overall.  Someone who looked at life with optimism and who really valued family.  I wanted someone who wanted to spend time with us, too.  All of these things that I had thought I had all along, but so obviously did not.  The day had brought sunshine and warm temperatures, but most importantly a reminder of life lessons moving forward.  And for that, I was the most thankful.

335 : Enjoy Some Couch Time

Yesterday was a successful Saturday by my standards.  I was woken up earlier than my body would've naturally stirred, but I adjusted quickly.  My boys moved slowly as well as we all transitioned into the morning.  We left the house at 8:45 to make our way to get haircuts since I hadn't found time to schedule appointments and needed to be there promptly when the place opened.  My oldest got the pink car he wanted (because that was the only vehicle that had a door that actually opened!)  My youngest was happy in the train.  We went grocery shopping without any meltdowns.  And finally, I took the two to an late breakfast/early lunch because they had been asking to go to a "restaurant" since last Thursday.  I was able to order, eat and pay with the minimal amount of sweating.  When we got home, all three of us settled on the couch to watch a show for a few minutes before naps.  And then it happened.  They both layed down and cuddled into me- my youngest with his thumb in his mouth.  It only lasted a moment, but it was perfect.  The three of us together all snuggling after a successful morning.  Just a mama and her boys.  I loved it.

334 : Be Thankful

I was summoned to jury duty this week.  And here I thought my life was so chaotic already, it could not handle one more thing.  Although this did not excuse my civic duty.  I spent all morning sitting around the criminal court building waiting to be called.  And once I was called, it was noon so the judge dismissed us for lunch.  After lunch the questioning began.  There were just under 50 potential jurors sitting in the room waiting.  The first 22 were questioned.  Then we had a quick recess.  People were selected.  People were dismissed.  And then I was called as part of the next round.  The case was a first degree murder case of a thirteen year old child.  I sat facing the defendant, acknowledging that I would indeed be fair and just in my decision making, but feeling disgust at the same time that this was what was happening in the world.  I also began to feel anxiety about how I would handle everything else I was currently balancing should this additional responsibility suddenly become mine.  Work was work.  I literally could not be out of the office for a week.  Yet, I couldn't explain that to the judge as a valid excuse.  And then my life outside of work was equally demanding.  I was the primary custodian for 2 small people.  They needed me to be "ON" for them every minute of every day.  I didn't need any additional emotional stress from a disturbing case.  I waited patiently for my turn to be questioned.  And then after I was asked about my family, my living situation, my ability to evaluate the case fairly and justly, I was asked about my hobbies.  Hobbies?  I'm a single mom who works full time and has a 1 year old and a 3 year old!  I don't have time for hobbies!  My response got a chuckle from the other potential jurors around me and even the judge himself.  And after another brief recess, I was dismissed. Thank God.  Would I have been able to handle it?  I'm sure I would've figured it out and gotten everything taken care of just like I always did.  But for once, I was truly appreciative to just be let off the hook.  Hadn't I dealt with enough in the past year already?

333 : Can You Help?

As the primary custodian of my children, I often felt the majority of responsibility fell on me. Fortunately, I had a wonderful nanny who was incredibly reliable. Additionally, my mom was retired and available to help me when needed. So even though she was 3 hours away in Michigan, my mom still jumped at the opportunity to see her grandkids when possible. My career had given me significant experience solving problems. I could solve anything. This became a real asset to me as I transitioned into being a single parent. However, because I was capable of solving things, I often just did this without even bringing forth the issue to my Ex. He was of very little help to me. I don't say that to be cold or cruel, I am simply stating the truth. When I was in a jam, he was of very little help to me. And because of this, somewhere along the way, I simply stopped reaching out to ask him for help. Then, this past week introduced a new dilemma that needed to be solved. My nanny was having some problems at home (see post #331) and needed a personal day to address them. Unfortunately, it fell on the same day that I had been summoned for jury duty. I had already postponed this obligation several times and knew I would most likely not be excused again. So what was I to do? I called my mom to see if she was available to help out and then momentarily considered it solved. However, I began to feel angry with my Ex. Here I was handling all of this so seamlessly and he wasn't doing anything. The truth was, though, he didn't even know. I decided it was time to start bringing him back into the conversation. I reached out to him via email and explained how both our nanny and I had a conflict this Thursday. There was nothing either of us could do to work around this. Could he help at all? Could he keep the boys overnight on Wednesday (his weekly visit) and get my oldest to school on Thursday (he had never taken him once the 8 months my son had been attending)?  Could he work from home on Thursday and watch my youngest at his apartment? The email led to a phone call where he explained all the reasons he was unable to assist. I had expected this response. And again, I knew I would be able to solve it. I was proud of myself, however, for at least presenting the problem to him. In the very least, he acknowledged what I was doing and how much I was doing. That acknowledgement meant more to me than his assistance ever would.  He may not ever be able to help me out, but it would continue to be important for him to know how much I was doing.  I felt proud just for trying here and promised myself I would try again.

332 : All of Me

I came across a song the other day that resonated with me for some reason.  I'm slightly embarrassed to share what the song was, but in truth I've put so much of myself out there in this blog, I don't know why now I am feeling that hesitancy.  Okay, Fine!  The song was 'All of Me' by John Legend.  To clarify, I don't listen to John Legend normally- I don't even know any of his songs besides this one.  But I heard it on the radio and there was something to the words that spoke to me.  It was romantic.  It was endearing.  I didn't know exactly why this song, but I knew I loved it somehow.  I think perhaps the fact that I felt something in hearing it gave me hope that it was possible to feel again at some point.  I wanted to have faith and trust and belief in love still but the truth was I had been betrayed in the worst way in the past.  As much as I was open to meeting someone, I was also guarded and wanted to protect myself.  But hearing this song…made me know that I wanted that for myself again. At some point.  There was no rush.  And there was no need to be at any certain point at this particular moment.  Just knowing that I could feel something through words of a song, gave me hope that perhaps I could feel that way again.  One day.

331 : And It Comes Full Circle

For the past year, there was one person that had been there for me more than just about anyone.  That person was my nanny.  She supported me in the beginning when my then husband first moved out.  She reminded me what a good job I was doing as a mother when I needed to hear it the most.  And she always went above and beyond to help me out any way possible.  She would bring milk to my house in the mornings if she noticed we were running low the day before.  Or she would do my laundry for me on occasion when she saw it piling up and knew my week was crazy.  It was genuine, reliable support.  I felt so thankful for her and all the stability she provided.  And then something horrible happened.  My nanny herself began to have some problems with her own marriage.  This was not something she shared immediately- she was focused and professional- but it finally reached a point when she opened up to me about her situation.  My heart broke in hearing this.  Here was someone who had been there for me in the most selfless and supportive way.  I wanted to do all I could to help her.  I tried to offer emotional support, but I also wanted to respect her privacy.  And so, after our initial conversation, I continued to ask how she was doing, but I was conscious not to pry too much.  But last week, something happened that left me no choice.  My nanny came in the morning as per usual, but when I looked at her, I saw a sadness in her eyes that was out of the ordinary.  I asked her if everything was okay and she immediately broke into sobs.  Her husband had not paid their rent…for 3 months…without her knowing…and she had now received an eviction notice.  She shook as she cried because she did not know what she was going to do to rectify the situation.  This was my chance to help pay her back for all she had done for me.  I grabbed a piece of paper and together we mapped out what was owed, what she had saved, a small amount I could loan her, and how we would roll the remaining balance into the rest of her rent payments until the lease was up.  I was strong for her in that moment just as she had been for me.  I helped her work through the numbers and came up with a reasonable action plan.  It was the very least I could do for her.  She called her landlord and suggested the plan, but they had already given up on the situation.  So I engaged one step further.  I called her landlord and spoke on my nanny's behalf.  This was not representative of the person I knew- this was a woman who had fallen victim to an unfortunate situation.  The landlord heard me.  And after some further thought, they agreed to drop the eviction charge and accept our offer.  It had come full circle.  I was finally able to support and give back to the one person who had been there for me in equal measure.  As I told my colleague this story, she implied that my connection to the universe was strong right then, and for once, I had to agree.

330 : Just This Once

My kids got home late Sunday night after having spent the weekend with their dad.  I had requested the later return time- my ME time had been scarce as of late.  My Ex happily obliged and the boys were back home around 8:30- pjs and all.  My youngest went to bed right away.  My oldest cuddled up beside me and wanted to watch a show.  I couldn't refuse him at that moment but 1 show, turned into 1 story,  turned into 1 song, turned into laying down with him and finally turned into going to sleep in my bed.  How had this happened just over one weekend?  I had gotten so good at the bedtime routine.  We had all found the balance.  And now, just one weekend away things were out of whack.  I wasn't suggesting he was on a different schedule over the weekend- I'm sure it was pretty consistent over there.  That was one thing that I believe my Ex and I agreed on.  However, I thought it was the emotional shift of spending time with just mommy and then spending time with just daddy.  I think my oldest was onto something as of late and I could see the extra attention needed upon his return.  I gave in eventually and tucked him into my bed, vowing that tomorrow night would be different.  So Monday came.  And I returned home from work extra excited to see my kids.  We played.  We had "ice cream" (frozen yogurt from Trader joe's).  We drank water out of glass cups (just my oldest).  Then it was time to chill out and get ready for bed.  We watched our show and just as I thought I had it under control, the night quickly began to unravel.  My oldest started crying.  He was scared.  He wanted a story.  A song.  And the list went on just like the night before.  I accommodated far too many times and then finally gave up.  He just wanted to be close to me because he was worried I was going to go away again.  The only thing that would settle him would be to sleep in my bed.  So once again I found myself tucking my oldest into my bed.  I promised myself this was the absolute last time I'd allow this.  And then I smiled.

329 : New Underwear

Following my divorce, there were 2 things that I really wanted to do.  1)  Completely redo my bedroom and  2)  Buy all new underwear.  I focused on my bedroom first (see post #246 and #265).  Why?  I'm not sure.  The underwear was probably the easier of the two to tackle.  I just put it off though. There always seemed to be something else that my money was needed for.  New shoes for my boys.  Basketball class for my oldest.  You name it.  This past weekend, though, I finally treated myself to something that should have been done months ago.  All new underwear.  Owning things that were all mine with no affiliation to my Ex felt good- especially when it was underwear.  I was no longer his.  This was a new chapter.  Possibly the beginning to many more chapters to come, but a new chapter none the less.  I sang and danced around my room while I tried on every single new pair.  And then I smiled to myself knowing that another item on my check list had been complete.  New undies just in time for spring.  It felt right.

328 : Take Note

Sometimes you come across quotes that resonate a little more than usual.  I was enjoying my girls weekend by getting my hair blown out and flipping through Cosmo when this one came across my lap.  I loved it.  What it meant for me exactly, I wasn't sure, but there was something totally empowering about it that I loved (and therefore felt I had to share.)

327 : No Pressure

I woke up the other night in a panic.  I felt like I had forgotten to do something really important.  Yet as I felt the stress in my somewhat sleepy state, I could not identify what it was that I had forgotten.  And then I realized, it was just the pressure of being a parent.  The constant pressure.  I was primarily responsible for my kids.  I mean my Ex was in their lives, but it was me that was making decisions daily, responding to their questions and ultimately shaping the people they were becoming.  I selected their clothes.  I chose their meals.  I created their home.  Yes, no pressure at all there.  I was regularly making decisions on the fly- some decisions carrying more weight than others, but still they were decisions none the less.  I consulted with friends and other parents around the office for advice, but to be honest, many of my choices were based on personal experience and my own instinct.  Should I be reading more parenting books? Should I be reading to them more?  Should I be doing anything else that I was currently not doing?  Was there a different way that other parents did this?  I could admit that potentially all parents felt this pressure, but it seemed as though it might be less stressful for couples than for a single.  And as I was having this moment of panic, it just so happened that a little person was laying in my bed next to me.  He looked so sweet at that moment, but the thing that struck me the most was that he was safe.  I was somehow successfully raising my kids.  I would never stop worrying about it all, but I was still doing it.  I took a deep breath, shut my eyes and floated back to sleep.

326 : Girl Time

This weekend I had a staycation planned with my girlfriends.  Yup.  It was true.  I was so excited to be able to complete a conversation.  To laugh.  Maybe to cry.  Hopefully not though.  Hopefully we just laughed.  We would eat.  We would be pampered.  And I would get a good wine buzz.  Not a sloppy buzz, but definitely a little I HAVE NO KIDS WITH ME THIS WEEKEND buzz.  I was craving this time with my friends like the winter needed the spring.  We had always had a close connection, all of us girls.  Life, however, had gotten so busy for everyone that there just wasn't enough time.  All of us desperately missed one another but couldn't see each other as often as we had in the past.  (My mom or sister would probably chuckle at that statement, because I was still ridiculously close with my friends, but for us it was different than what it once was.)  Everyone had their own families.  Jobs.  Husbands.  (Or not in my case:) Regardless, time seemed to be a precious commodity that nobody had.  So in an effort to keep up, we began a Thursday Top 5 email.  Now to be fair- the true weekly email check in originated with my father and his Friday morning TGIF email he had been sending to our family for the past 5 years.  So respect needed to paid to my dad.  However, I adapted this philosophy to the women in my circle and we all found it helped make us feel more connected.  Each week, someone would begin the email thread that would include the top 5 things going on with them and then everyone would respond, add, etc as the day went on.  It helped keep us together even when we couldn't be together.  Amazingly enough, we had kept it going for a good 6 months too so it was now sticking with us.  However, this weekend there would be no emails necessary.  We had reserved this time to be together and enjoy every minute of it.  I was so thankful for my girlfriends and could not wait for the weekend to begin!

325 : A Lesson in Investing

So I had started my search for a new place.  My lease wasn't up until end of August, but I wanted to find something to buy and I knew it could take time.  If I was going to move, I might as well have the summer with a back yard for my boys, right?  I had looked around a little but had not seen much yet that I was excited about (see post #315).  And then one day, I found it.  The perfect house.  I mean really, the PERFECT house.  It was in a perfect location.  There was  a friend within minutes, the train was walkable, the garage was attached and a park was nearby.  Oh and did I mention the preschool I was interested in was also in the neighborhood.  The list went on.  It was perfect except for one thing.  The price.  Even if I stretched myself to the farthest I could go, I wouldn't be able to make it work.  Or if somehow I was able to, it probably wasn't the most responsible thing.  I had done the one thing that you are not supposed to do when you are looking for a house.  I fell in love with something out of my price range.  And now I couldn't stop thinking about it.  This had happened one other time before only I had fallen in love with a house in a horrible neighborhood.  In absence of a spouse I called my friend Amy who steered me back on track.  She would never send her kids to those schools.  That's all it took and I was done.  So now I was onto to the newest perfect house, and I was feeling consumed with it and needed to be talked down.  I turned to my mom who was the closest thing I had to a partner at the moment.  She listened without judgement as she always did and then reminded me there would be something else.  Perhaps she and my dad could even find a way to assist me in some capacity.  I felt awful in hearing those words.  I had been such a horrible investment up to this point.   They had helped me out so many times in the past.  They had been incredibly generous for my wedding.  And what had it gotten them?  I didn't know I was feeling emotional at the moment, but tears were suddenly in my eyes and my throat began cracking as I stated how I felt at that particular moment:

Even I would not invest in me right now.  

My mom assured me that every choice from the past had been worthwhile because it had created my two beautiful sons.  They were the greatest return on investment that anyone could want.  I continued to cry for a minute and she continued to reassure me that my divorce was in no way a personal failure.  I didn't know where my emotion was stemming from, but I knew that it felt good to release it.   Thank God for my mom.  There would be another house.  There would always be another house.

324 : Where's My Daddy?

This past weekend, my boys and I enjoyed a friends get together to celebrate St. Patrick's day (see post #322).  As I have mentioned in multiple previous posts, I was very close with this group of friends, so by default my children had already become friends with their children.  On our way out to the event, my oldest began going through the roster of people that would be in attendance and how they were associated.  This time in particular, I noticed he seemed to spend more time than normal relating the father from each family to the mother and children.  He seemed very interested in all the dads.  Even at 3 years old.  I sensed that he understood on some level that his father was not present and the other dads were present.  Perhaps it was just a physical state of being present and nothing more than that, but I was somewhat sensitive about that.  It broke my heart to think about my son feeling deprived in any way because his father and I were no longer together.  He didn't act sad about it on that day, but the ongoing discussion about how people were related made me aware it was a puzzle he was beginning to solve.  So it should've been no surprise to me that the week following seemed to focus much more on 'daddy' than usual.  Sunday morning after the party, the first thing my son said was that he missed daddy.  My reaction was pretty sympathetic by now.  Previously those words had cut like a knife, but now I could see things more rationally.  I wanted to be supportive to my son when he felt this way.  Of course he missed his dad.  His father was not around all that much and it became more obvious when he saw other fathers in the picture more often.  He brought it up again that evening.  We tried to call his dad, but he did not answer.  I assured him that daddy must be busy and he agreed that daddy was probably working.  When I came home from work yesterday, I was greeted by a very sad child.  He approached me very slowly saying that he missed daddy.  Normally I was bombarded with enthusiasm when I got home after work, but tonight there was clearly something wrong.  Without letting a moment pass, I suggested we give daddy a call.  My son looked up with interest.  I whipped out my phone and called his dad on the spot.  And amazingly enough- he answered.  They spoke for what was probably less than 2 minutes, but my son beamed the entire time.  Even my youngest wanted to get on the phone for a second with his dad.  He would be coming over the next day which seemed to satisfy both boys.  I was sure this was just the beginning of many more conversations and questions about our family in the future.  I felt proud of myself though; not only in how I responded to my son's needs but how his needs actually made me feel.  I wasn't hurting or jealous or sad to know that he wanted his dad.  Yes, it wasn't always easy to hear, but I understood why he felt that way.  In a small way, this was progress in my personal growth.  No matter how selfless I tried to act during this life change, I couldn't deny how I often felt at my core.  And now in this moment, I had reached a place where I could see this situation for exactly what it was.  Just a little boy wanting his father (like he should) without taking anything away from me.  I knew there would be more difficult times and explaining to do in the future, but for now I decided to pore myself a glass of wine and cheers the success in this one event.  Go Mom.

323 : Too Many Questions

So much of this past year had been spent trying to determine what my next move in life would be.  Where would I live?  Did I want to be closer to my family?  Did I want to be closer to my friends?  Was it possible that some day I would know what I wanted?  I had reservations about every opportunity that came my way.  The thought of returning to my native Michigan meant that I would have a wonderful support system through my family.  However, I was concerned that I would have nothing of my own.  No job.  No friends.  Not to mention the co-parenting would be more challenging across state borders.  And my thoughts of moving to the suburbs equally posed questions.  Could I afford anything in the suburbs?  Would it be hard to meet new people as a single mom?  Would it be harder to meet men specifically than in the city?  I seemed to go back and forth about what the right next step was until I finally conceded there was no right step.  I wanted to be in the suburbs.  Was it right?  Would I meet people?  I had no idea.  I realized though that the situation I had been put in had already forced me out of my comfort zone.  And because of that, I had met a lot of new people in the past year.  Not only had I gotten divorced, I had also watched all but one of my best friends relocate to the suburbs.  Did I miss them?  Every day.  But it hadn't changed our friendships in the least.  What it had done was allow me to make more friends.  Different friends.  City friends.  Single friends.  Call them what you will- I seemed to have unintentionally branched out in the past year.  My husband had left me.  My friends had moved out of the city.  And yet I was still here, doing, well, just fine.  I needed to remember that.  Nothing would be solved over night.  But every lesson I had learned in the past year, was worth noting to myself again when I began to question things.  The answers would always come.

322 : Lucky Me

My friend hosted a St. Patrick's Day party over the weekend where several friends, spouses and kids gathered together.  These were my favorite type of events, because this group was my local family.  The women had all been in my life for years; some I met as early as middle school, others college, but we had all remained close despite the obstacles of life.  The husbands were also my friends- they cared about me almost like brothers.  They were protective and wanted the best for me.  Everyone was aware that I had been dating a little and they all wanted details.  I did not like being the center of attention, but I appreciated that everyone knew I deserved better than what I had been dealt.  They all wanted the world for me.  I was very fortunate in that regard.  It was funny being with all my married friends as a single woman.  Nobody made me feel different in any way, but I was aware of it.  I missed my days as a married person.  I did not miss my Ex at all, but I missed the life of being married.  The comfort of it.  Before I had attended these gatherings and I had support from a partner to help watch our kids.  I had support from this group of friends, but it wasn't the same.  Their lives seemed so much calmer and under control that what I felt my life looked like right now.  I craved to be in that place again but I had no idea how to get there.  I didn't even know how to date necessarily, but I was trying. Most importantly though I was happy at the moment.  A year ago on St. Patrick's Day I was in the midst of a divorce.  My Ex had texted me that morning to tell the boys happy st. pattys before presumably going to drink at the bar all day while I was at home with two very sick children- one of which ended up going to the emergency room that evening.  Yes, I was in a much better place this year.  The sun was returning into our lives and the days were getting slightly warmer.  I was more settled with where I was and most importantly who I was.  Not to mention I had the two greatest boys in the world.  I was lucky.  Yes, I was very very lucky.

321 : The Other Woman

I had learned a few months ago that my Ex was now living with another woman (see post #205). I wasn't pleased in the way that I found out about this, but regardless I accepted the situation for what it was almost immediately.  So he had moved onto to someone else.  Good for him.  In many ways, I was relieved to hear of this.  However, whenever I told anyone- family, friends, coworkers- they all seemed to have the same response.  Everyone felt as though I should meet this person who would now be spending time with my kids.  This person would be with MY KIDS!  Was there something wrong with me that I didn't feel this?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I was furious at the fact that my Ex wasn't forthright about living with someone when my kids went to 'their' apartment every other weekend.  But did I really want to meet her?  No, I did not.  Or rather, I should say I didn't feel I needed to meet her.  Had my Ex suggested we meet, I would've been open to that, but other than that I didn't really think about her.  My issues were with my Ex, not with her.  If anything, I think I just felt sorry for her?  I didn't know if my reaction was a sign of a deeply buried issue or if in fact it was genuinely healthy, but I truly hoped it was the second.

320 : Thank God for Saturday

This past week was one of the longest weeks I can remember.  Work was insane.  My social life was hopping.  I had plans on two consecutive school nights.  Now don't get me wrong, I like having plans.  And they were fun plans.  Both engagements.  However, I am far too old to socialize two nights in a row and function at my "normal" pace.  I woke up yesterday morning and literally wanted to cry knowing I had another whole day of work to complete before the weekend.  I needed to recharge.  I don't think I had been that happy to see Saturday in a very VERY long time.

319 : My Youngest

For the past year, I've been adjusting to my new life: just me and my boys.  And now, as I think I know that new life, it already begins to change as they both grow and emerge as individuals.  I'm cherishing every moment of these new relationships we are forming- the three of us as a trio and one on one with each of them.   It's also very rewarding as a parent to see their relationship develop as brothers. Recently my youngest son has been seeking out special time with me.  He goes to bed early (early being relative to recent daylight savings time change - see post #317) but then a couple hours later- usually around 10:30 or 11- he wakes up and wants to play.  And the other night as I picked him up out of bed, I realized I rarely get this one on one time with him as his older brother often monopolizes my attention.  I try my best to split my focus evenly between the two of them but I can't say that I am always successful.  To begin with, my oldest climbs in my bed every night and wakes up in the mornings before my youngest does.  Additionally, my oldest is more verbal in general, so he can often dominate a situation.  My youngest has always been more chill.  Even as he grows more assertive with age, he is still more easy going than my first.  Perhaps this is just the second child nature.  Recently though, my youngest is finding his own way to have me all to himself.  And I love it.  He talks to me.  His vocabulary may be slightly broken still but as his mother I know what he is saying (usually).  I'm amazed at his ability to communicate - he is aware of everything.  Was my oldest this sharp at 19 months?  Sadly, I don't remember.  I'd like to think so, but I don't remember this phase as clearly now that I'm living it again the second time around.  Perhaps just in documenting this I won't forget again.  The other night my youngest and I spent about 30 minutes just hanging together from that 10:30-11 time slot.  I sickly enjoy this time.  I know I should be more strict.  I know underneath the smile and giggles he is tired, but I can't seem to refuse him.

318 : Goodbye Shiny Diamond

I sold my engagement ring this week.  It wasn't emotional in the least, either.  It was a transaction.  A business transaction.  I had held onto the ring for a little over a year after my Ex initially moved out.  Admittedly, I was still wearing it part of that time, but eventually I decided I was ready to take it off (see post #69).   I didn't want to make any type of emotional decision like selling it right away.  And also I wasn't sure if there would be a time down the road that I would want it (maybe for my boys?) or even worse that I would be in need of the money.  Fortunately for me, I never reached that point.  I did, however, mentally decide one day that I was ready to sell it and now was the time.  (These things just hit me sometimes!)  I did some preliminary research online and then took it to a couple jewelers in person.  My dad even asked around in Michigan with a jeweler friend of his who confirmed the value.  I was given a check on the spot and it was all done.  And as  walked out the door, I realized I felt pretty good.  Better yet, I felt great.

317 : I Do Like the Sun but...

I'd like to express my extreme disgust for whomever brought forth the idea of daylight savings.  Yes, I'm sure I don't sound very intelligent with that statement, but at this moment I don't really care.  I'm sure there was a well thought out rationale as to why this is a good thing.  I'm sure that whomever came up with this idea though, was not a mother and most certainly was not a parent to small children who follow a very rigid sleep schedule.  I'm sure they did not understand that I've been using the dark to my advantage for months now and this time change is forcing me to change my story.  My oldest is getting smarter by the day, too.  He calls me out on this kind of stuff.  It was probably not considered that trying to convince little ones it was bedtime even though it was still light out would be very problematic.  Yes, I'm sure nobody thought about it from that perspective.  I am in no way suggesting that I have a better solution for maximizing the sunlight during the day.  But this solution does not seem to be jiving with my current reality of life.  It was 8:47 pm last night before my house finally went silent.  At that point I was able to make myself some dinner.  After that I was able to open my computer and resume some work that I had not been able to complete before leaving the office.  And finally, just a bit shy of 11 pm, I closed my laptop and turned on the TV for a much needed distraction.  It was nights like last night that reminded me how the parenting responsibilities fell primarily on me.  I mean, I was reminded of this daily but last night had me desperately craving more support and yet there was no simple solution to that dilemma.  We would adjust- the 3 of us- as we already had to so many changes life had served us.  But for now, I am angry with daylight savings because that feels like the real culprit.  Perhaps I will feel differently tomorrow.

316 : A Sweet Tale

I was very lucky to grow up with all four grandparents.  My dad's parents were local and my mom's parents were just a couple hours away.  My parents always believed in the importance of family, so as a child I had a close relationship with my grandparents.  All of them.  Both of my grandfathers passed before I was married or had kids.  They never got to meet my husband (now Ex) or see me walk down the aisle.  I laugh about that now that I am divorced because I guess it didn't really matter.  Sadly, though, they also never got a chance to see me as a mother or meet my kids.  Both of my grandmas did.  They both met my oldest son but then my dad's mother passed before my youngest was born.  After her funeral our entire extended family spent some time at her house and everyone selected what they wanted to keep of her personal belongings.  One of my cousins suggested I take a pink beaded necklace, telling me the color was good for me.  At the time, I had NO idea what I wanted of my grandma's.  She was such an amazing woman, I couldn't summarize our relationship through one item.  There was not one thing in particular that stuck out, and so I just did as I was told and took the necklace.  I tucked it into my jewelry drawer at home and never thought much more about it.  But the funniest thing happened.  One day my youngest son, discovered this necklace.  He went into my drawer almost daily, pulled out the necklace and wore it around his neck.  It was sweet to me that it was this necklace in particular that he always seem to want.  My boys fought over just about everything but somehow it was understood that this necklace specifically belonged to my youngest.  He'd proudly wear it around the house for a bit and then drop it (when I would immediately retrieve and put it back).  At first I thought this was just a funny coincidence.  But as time passed, I began to feel like it was truly my grandma's influence in some way.  She was watching from above and in her own special way, creating a bond with my son.  To some, this may sound like a stretch.  To me though, it absolutely a sign.  So you may wonder, how was this story in any way related to my personal journey of restoring myself?  Well, I think in some way, it gave me faith.  It reminded me that the universe was so much bigger than just me.  It was bigger than just the present moment.  And as silly as it may sound, this tiny interaction between my son and a necklace warmed my heart like nothing else.

315 : No Life is Perfect

I had officially started my search for a new home in the suburbs.  It was only March, and the inventory was still rather low, but I was optimistic the spring market would bring more options.  Yesterday, my mom and I went to go look at 2 houses.  Both of which appeared to have promise in the online listing, but were disappointing in person.  It was hard to prioritize the many things I wanted to achieve in this one purchase.  A yard.  A basement.  More SPACE!  Location.  All of which were important, yet there limitations with my budget.  We went to brunch after house #2 and as I sat down, I began to express my discouragement to my mom.  Her head went to the most natural place it could and she expressed how much more I could get for my money were I to move back to Michigan.  The statement was true, and we both knew it.  And there would be many advantages of that move.  I'd have my parents nearby.  The schools were excellent.  My sister and her family would be close by as well.  My boys could grow up alongside their cousins.  But that option wasn't perfect either.  There were no jobs in Michigan.  I had a great job full of opportunity here in Chicago.  Plus the arrangement with my Ex was my easier with us both living in the same state.  Selfishly, I didn't want to give up my free time every other weekend to drive halfway to meet my Ex so we could exchange our kids.  And I didn't want that for my kids, either.  So what was I to do?  It was then that my mom made one simple statement that helped bring me back to a centered place.

There is no perfect life.  Life is what you make of it.

She then went on to tell me that she was proud of me and how I was choosing to live my life. Hearing this made me tear up slightly, knowing everything she was saying was true.  I had decided long ago, I would chose to be the heroine in my life, not the victim.  Everything had happened for a reason in the last year.  Every choice and decision was guiding me to exactly where I was supposed to be.  I was fortunate in that I didn't have to know right at this moment where I was going to be next.  I could continue to take my time to look for a place and hopefully the right spot would become available.  No life was perfect, but despite everything I had been through in the past year, my life was still pretty good.  In fact, my life was great.

314 : Prioritize Yourself

My Ex came to pick up my boys yesterday so the day was all mine.  Well, mine and my mother's- I was lucky to have her company for the weekend.  I had so many things I wanted to accomplish as I often did the weekends the boys were with their dad.  I needed groceries.  My apartment needed to be cleaned.  Like really cleaned.  Laundry.  I had to get a snack for my son's school for next Tuesday.  Drop clothes off at the dry cleaner.  WRITE!  The list went on and on.  We did make it out to Target that morning, but as we were approaching the register, I realized I was quickly losing speed.  I felt completely exhausted.  My week had been non stop.  Work was demanding.  My kids were demanding.  When was the last time I had just sat down and had a moment to myself to relax?  I couldn't remember.  We went home after Target, ate some lunch and then I settled on the couch.  I began to justify my choice to my mother (really myself) because I knew there were so many other things I should be doing at that very moment.  And then my mom reminded me how I needed to take care of myself.  That was part of the benefit of having the weekends without my kids.  So I cuddled into the couch and shut my eyes.  I must have truly needed to rest because I was out for almost 4 hours.  The rest of the tasks would just have to wait.

313 : The Art of Dating

Back in the old days, dating was oh so very different.  You used to actually meet someone first and feel an attraction.  Perhaps the conversation was stimulating, the person was good looking or sometimes (and my favorite) there was just something about that person.  It usually started by meeting somehow and then you went out on a date or began to hang out in some capacity.  Dating nowadays was very different.  At least it was for this 37 year old single mom.  It's not like I had a lot of time to just go out and meet people at the bars like I could in my 20s.  And if I did attempt to do that the men I met were most likely in their 20s anyways.  I had tried the online thing but after the creepy cat guy (see post # 187) decided I would retire that option.  Then there was my most recent attempt to be open: Tinder.  This, however, was the complete opposite of what dating should be.  It was essentially a blind date.  You agreed to meet a total stranger and then you decided if there was any interest, which seemed rather backwards compared to how it was in the old days.  I had gone on a date the other evening with someone and had a good time.  In fact, we planned to meet for a drink and ended up grabbing dinner in addition.  It was surprisingly fun and pleasant considering how blindly I had entered.  He asked me to go out again, and I said yes right away.  So there would be another date.  I had a friend reach out to me the following morning inquiring about how my date went.  I told her I had a good time and we would be going out again, which then prompted her to ask a slew of questions.  She was so happy for me.  She wanted to know details.  She knew I deserved the world.  But I had to admit, her excitement made me nervous.  I didn't know why exactly, but perhaps it was just because it caused me to feel the tiniest bit of pressure even though I knew that was not at all her intention.  I caught myself getting an uncomfortable/nervous feeling in response to her inquiry and reminded myself that her questions and excitement simply came from a place of good.  I had fun on my date the other night.  We seemed to have a lot to talk about and I felt comfortable around him.  I didn't know anything beyond the fact that I had fun and that I wanted to go out with him again.  And that was really all I needed to know right now.

312 : Life is Precious

I had a mammogram the other morning.  My second mammogram in 6 months.  This may be surprising to some.  I'm not even 40 yet.  But my aunt died of breast cancer at the tender age of 35, so my doctor suggested I start going for regular mammograms.  I'm sad to say that I don't remember all that much about my aunt.  A few random things here and there like how she used to make delicious grilled cheese sandwiches on wheat bread in an old school panini press. I can still remember exactly what those grilled cheese sandwiches tasted like.  However, I don't remember much about my aunt as a person.  My aunt left behind a husband and two small children: a daughter/my cousin Sara who was my same age and a son/my cousin Matt who was younger.  I was in the first grade when my aunt passed.  And yet, as the years passed, I saw how different both Sara and Matt's lives would've been had their mom been around still. It's not to say that either of them had a bad life.  That is not the case.  Both of them were survivors.  They were tough.  And they always had each other. But it's undeniable that their lives would've been different had their mom not been taken at such a young age.  This was a universal truth that I'd known my whole life.  When my doctor suggested I schedule my first mammogram, I expected it to be routine.  And it was for the most part.  However, I learned that my boobs had a lot of calcifications in them.  These calcifications could be a symptom of certain strands of breast cancer.  Based on the reading from my exam, my doctor could not measure if these were new developments or simply characteristics of my boobs that had always been there.  The only way to find out was to go back in 6 months for a follow up appointment.  And that brought me back to yesterday morning.  I honestly had not thought about my previous mammogram since the I had been there just 6 months ago.  Now that I was back, though, I began to think of all the various scenarios that could play out following this appointment.  I thought about how I would feel should I learn that I actually had breast cancer.  I thought about how this would impact my parents.  Now that I was older, I thought about how my dad must have felt seeing this happen to his sister.  How my grandma must've felt witnessing this with her daughter. Lastly, what my children would do should anything ever happen to me.  The thought made me instantly feel ill.  I couldn't imagine what it must've been like for Sara or Matt to lose their mom at such a young age.  And I couldn't imagine how my aunt felt knowing her days were numbered.  Thinking about your own mortality certainly made one stop and reflect on how precious life was.  It reminded me to slow down.  To say thank you.  To try harder to be better.  To give more.  To be my best self.  I was at my appointment for almost 3 hours before I was released to go home.  My reading had been normal.  They were comfortable with what they saw and I could leave.  I was relieved.  But also reminded once again how lucky I was.  When you lined up 'cancer' next to 'divorce' there really was no comparison.  Both of them sucked the life out of you.  One of them could actually end you and the latter just left you feeling deflated.  I was lucky to be where I was.  Life was precious and it never hurt to stop and acknowledge this once again.  Thank goodness I was where I was.  I would be okay.

311 : It's Good to Be Needed

My mom came into town last night.  My boys were excited all day at the thought of seeing Nana.  I actually had plans that night and was looking forward to getting a little break from my daily responsibilities.  I came home, though, and was instantly bombarded with motherly duties.  My youngest had been battling a slight cold and woke up coughing.  This led to some crying and when I went to check on him it woke up his older brother.  They both became more alert at the sight of me, as I had not put them to bed earlier.  My oldest immediately wanted to go into my bed and sleep with me (no surprise there) but it was my youngest that seemed to be the most out of sorts.  Perhaps he was partly asleep still, but the cold he was battling didn't seem to help much.  My mom offered to help, but the little guy just wanted me.  There wasn't much more to say other than it was good to be needed.  Very good indeed.

310 : Why Are You So Angry?

I said from the beginning that this would be a positive blog and I think I have been true to that up to this point.  (For the most part at least).  However, part of my journey the past year has been to navigate this new relationship with my now Ex husband.  We had two children together, therefore we would always be in each others lives.  Our interactions had ups and downs to say the very least, but it seemed most recently that things had gotten incredibly heated every time we communicated.  Our divorce had been official for months.  Our relationship was over even longer than that.  How was it possible this person could be so incredibly angry with me still?  I will admit, I was not the type of person who handled it well when someone did not like me.  No, I was not an egomaniac, but I did like to think I was a people pleaser.  I liked to make others feel good.  I tried to be warm and friendly and accepting of those around me.  When someone was not open to me as a person, it bothered me to the point that I tried harder to get them to like me.  I liked being liked, okay?  My Ex had left me.  He had chosen to internalize his feelings and shut me out.  He had chosen to move out of our home.  He had chosen to end our marriage.  And yet, lately it felt like every time I saw him, he treated me as though I had done this to him.  He looked at me with resentment and anger.  It felt so unfair.  He was off living with another woman, pursuing a different path that he had chosen (unlike me where the decision had been made for me) and yet it still felt as though he blamed me for everything.  Now to my loyal readers and friends who get concerned whenever they read about anything regarding my Ex- worry not -nothing new had transpired in the past week.  But the recent exchanges we had continued to haunt me.  I had done everything in my power to accept the situation and move forward.  I did not want to be dragged back down to the dark place where he resided.  I was talking to a friend about the question that continued to weigh heavily on my mind: why was my Ex so angry with me?  It took an outsider to remind me about what my life had looked like the past year versus what my Ex husband's life had looked like.  She pointed out how he continued to spiral downhill while I instead was creating a brighter, happier future.  I had accepted the situation and moved on.  I felt thankful for the perspective she provided.  It was impossible not let be impacted by him at times, but I felt relieved to be reminded of where I was.  I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about this.

309 : Single Moms Rock

As a single mom, I had a deeper respect for all the moms before me that had done this on their own.  And for all the moms out there that were currently raising kids on their own.  Being a parent was a lot of work, but being a single mom was A LOT of work.  As I joined this new group, I became much more aware of other women out there in a similar position.  They inspired me.  Just as I hoped I was inspiring someone else, I felt inspired to hear stories of others.  Single moms were everywhere.  Landing on their feet and conquering the world.  I was watching the Academy Awards the other night, and was nearly brought to tears by Jared Leto's acceptance speech.  I know that may sound sappy, and admittedly it came at the end of a long weekend, but I felt personally acknowledged as he thanked his mother.  It was possible for one woman to raise 2 boys to be smart, talented, successful men of the world.  I would never get tired to being reminded of that.  There were so many ways to describe me other than just 'single mother' but if I was going to have that title, I might as well own it.  Better yet, I might as well rock it.

308 : There Goes My Baby

Every parent knows, that you have a special connection with all your children.  My oldest son was well, the first.  There was nothing like experiencing everything for the first time.  It was magical.  So much so, that I wondered what it would be like to have a second.  Would I love him as much?  Well of course I would.  But then again, my connection with my younger son was always different because my Ex moved out when my youngest was only 6 months old.  For this reason, I often felt like my youngest was "my" son versus "our" son.  I knew that was not really the case but that was how I felt.  My Ex and I never really had the opportunity to raise him together like we did with our first son.  It was just me on my own and then my Ex on his own.  This past week, I witnessed something very incredible.  I watched my youngest transform, right in front of my very eyes.  He went from being a baby, to a little boy.  It was really quite incredible.  He had been growing at a rapid pace since birth and he was always trying to keep up with his big brother.  But now his vocabulary was expanding faster than I could believe.  Every day there was something new that came out of his mouth.  He was aware of EVERYTHING around him.  I'm sure this didn't just happen overnight, but it really felt like it.  The little guy who used to just cuddle into me with his thumb in his mouth was emerging as his own person.  And he was making his presence known, too.  I think it hit me the hardest when I went to put him to bed the other night.  He layed down in his crib and actually let me tuck him in.  Yup, I covered him with blankets.  That may sound silly because it was the dead of winter and all kids should be covered, right?  Well that was not the case with this little guy before.  He would curl into a ball and just sleep without any blankets.  In fact, if I attempted to cover him, he would throw the blankets out of his bed.  And now, he was laying there like a little man just tucked in like perfection.  There was a part of me that felt sad in seeing this.  My baby was no more.  He was becoming a little man.  I was raising TWO little men.  And then the sadness faded and I started to feel the only other emotion that was appropriate at this very moment: PRIDE.

307 : Buy Yourself Flowers

If you don't do it, who will?

306 : Up, Up and Away!

Before I had kids, I had high aspirations of the kind of parent I would be.  I always wanted to be the perfect mom, just like my mom had been for me.  Selfless. Talented.  Creative.  Generous.  And I on my best days, I was all of these things.  It was hard to be that perfect all the time, though.  Especially when the realities of life settled in.  I was raising two kids alone for the most part.  I couldn't be just the fun, creative mom every weekend, because we had things we had to get done.  And no, this was not just me being obsessive compulsive, this was just life.  We needed to grocery shop every weekend.  Laundry needed to get done.  The house needed to be cleaned.  There were always just things- necessary things- that needed attention.  This on top of being the selfless, talented, creative, generous, super cool mom that I wanted to be.  So, I decided to take some action and what better way to do this than Pinterest?  I created a board with craft ideas for my kids.  I could use this to plan activities.  It was good for all of us.  They enjoyed it.  I felt invested and rewarded for it.  Win Win.  Last weekend, we made tiny helicopters out of egg cartons. The activity in total lasted maybe 20 minutes.  But it was worth it.  I had my son's undivided attention from the word scissors.  We got to create something together.  Win Win.