121 : Prepare for Back to School

It's ironic that my official divorce happened to coincide with the start of the new school year.  Growing up the 'new year' was far more about the start of school in the fall than about the change of numbers in January.  So I was divorced on Friday and then the following Monday my oldest son started pre school.  As the parent, I was probably far more stressed about this than he was.  I talked about school with enthusiasm, sometimes it was met with the same excitement on the other end, more often not.  But as the summer went on, my son began to talk himself into the idea of it.  Yes, he was going to school all by himself.  He told his cousins.  He told my parents.  He was proud of this fact (despite not really knowing what it meant).  So the morning of, we woke up early, I offered every option in the book for breakfast and even though he passed, he was enthusiastic.  He put his uniform on almost immediately and asked when we could go to school.  I thought to myself, this is going to be even easier than I thought!  We arrived at the school with 5 minutes to spare.  We made our way through the crowds, through the parents escorting their kids in, through the people posing in front of the building and to the classroom.  Again, he was pretty even keel.  And then it happened.  The meltdown upon meltdowns that many MANY kids throw on their very first day of school when their parent was about to leave them for the first time.  He was crying the silent cry (you know the one that  is so intense it's completely silent) and he was gripping my shirt for dear life.  The teacher came up to assist and pretty much had to pull his talon like hands from my body.  I slowly turned and backed away, tears forming in my eyes.  He'll be okay, right?  I'm not going to lie- I cursed my Ex at that moment.  For making me do this alone.  For making me solely absorb the pain at the very moment.  Oh well, it probably wouldn't be the last time.  I went down to the office to complete some paper work which took about 10 minutes and then thought I would check in on him one more time.  He'll be okay by now, right?  Nope.  Still crying.  Okay, he will get through this.  Lots of kids have a difficult time adjusting to school.  I left the building and promised myself up and down that he would be okay.  A couple hours later, I returned for the pick up with my nanny and younger son.  As we approached the school we could see my oldest on the playground enjoying himself with the rest of his classmates.  The teacher then gathered everyone into a line to return and then into the building to retrieve their backpacks - my oldest following her instructions obediently.  He didn't see me, but I could see him participating, adjusted, listening to his teacher.  I was overcome with relief.  I had absorbed such fear of abandonment on behalf of my son given what his father had done, that I probably overstressed about the most minor of events.  (Not that the first day of school for a child is a minor event!)  You know what I am saying though.  I was so worried about my kids feeling abandoned, that it made me feel awful to put them in that situation.  But he had survived.  Just like his mother.  So what does a pre schoolers first day of school have to do with me healing my heart post divorce?  So much more than I had ever previously realized.