I woke up yesterday in a good mood. I was greeted by my son before my alarm went off (he was laying next to me) but not too much earlier than when I needed to get up. I got a nice stretch in and enjoyed a morning hug all before climbing out of bed. I brewed my favorite hazelnut coffee and added my delicious hazelnut creamer to sip on while getting ready. My hair still looked good from the day before so it didn't take me long to get ready and while I did, my son sat attentively to Curious George the entire time. I had to go into my son's room twice where my younger son was sleeping and yet he didn't wake up either time. We made it out of the house ON TIME dressed, lunch packed, coffee in a to go mug, my son ready for school with an extra pair of shoes packed to change into from his boots. I had even avoided the temptation of cinnamon rolls my dad had sent back with me the other week knowing oatmeal was better for me. My seat warmer kept me cozy the entire drive in and I was cruising to the Charlie Brown Christmas album. No complaints. And then I remembered that my Ex was supposed to transfer money to cover his portion of the school payment the other day. And I had never received the payment. I had already reached out to him twice about it and now I would have to be the one to reach out yet a third time to inquire on the status. I don't know what made me more angry - the fact that he hadn't sent the money yet, or the fact that he hadn't bothered to update me on the status. Then I started to think about the striped henley shirt that I had recently purchased for my older son to match the one my younger son had and how it had been packed to go with my Ex over Thanksgiving and had never been returned. I had reached out to him and asked him to please locate and return it on more than one occasion because I had JUST purchased it and I wanted the boys to be able to wear their matching shirts over the holidays. He assured me this would not be a problem and then still over the past weekend when he had the boys, he did not return the shirt. I started to feel anger. Deep, deep anger. Not to be confused with sadness, depression or the feeling of being hurt. Nope. Clearly it was anger I was feeling. I started to think about what my Ex had put me through in the past year. Why do this to myself, I know. Why go there? Well, I was better than this 9 times out of 10, but today for some reason I was really angry and so I let myself linger in that emotion for a bit longer. I thought about how he had told me in couples therapy almost a year ago how I had not been a thoughtful person. In retrospect I know now that he had already checked out and was just doing therapy to say he had tried. He made this comment to me in a desperate attempt to explain why it was over. That comment explained nothing though because was that it was cruel and untrue. This really infuriated me. I had my flaws, no doubt, but I was a very thoughtful person. I wasn't trying to conjure up these feelings, but something was brewing inside of me and I couldn't stop what was happening. He had flipped my world upside down. And now he was just living with some chic that he used to work with and his family didn't even seem to acknowledge that this was in any way abnormal. I, on the other hand, was just living with our kids and raising them for the most part alone. I was very angry with him. I will say that again. I was very angry with him (props to anyone who can identify what movie that is from).
I knew a year had passed. I new I had made significant progress. I also knew though that this season represented when all of this had started just a year ago, so even though I was okay, I was still reminded of things I hadn't found resolution with yet. I knew that I wouldn't dwell in this place forever but I deserved to feel whatever I was feeling at that moment and I wouldn't deny myself that. I had been screwed over in the worst kind of way. Yet I had still taken control of the situation in the best possible way. This was something to be proud of. I focused on that part of it for a while and took a hot shower before going to bed. Tomorrow was a new day.
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