241 : Utilize Your Resources

On the night of Christmas Eve, we gathered together with our extended family to mark the occasion.  It was the first time I had seen much of my extended family since my divorce.  In fact, the last time I had seen most of them was just the year before for Thanksgiving when I was still a family of 4.  I had already broken my silence (see post #168) but it was nice to have the initial in person meeting as well.  Out of respect for me, there wasn't much said in direct relation to my situation, however I did receive some extra long hugs.  I was happy to see everyone, but was extra thankful for one person in particular.  My Aunt.  She too was divorced and a mother.  Her situation was different than that of my own, but she had proven to be an excellent example of the type of person I wanted to be in this situation.  She had raised her kids with her traditional values of faith, family, unconditional love and selflessness.  She was also incredibly generous when it came to her Ex.  She never spoke poorly of him in front of her children.  She encouraged them to have a relationship with their father.  She took the high road.  Always.  I had known this about my aunt growing up but I never quite understood what that meant.  And now that I was in a situation of my own, I had even greater respect for how she had carried herself during and after her divorce.  I was able to talk with her that night about my own struggles in dealing with my Ex.  I explained how it was still hard for me to see my boys gush over their father when I could see him for who he really was.  In fact, it actually hurt me on occasion.  I knew that wasn't right, but I also knew that if anyone would understand this feeling, it would be my aunt.  It was then that she shared with me some advice that was given to her many years ago when she first found herself in this situation.  She told me that my rewards would come, but they would not arrive for a good 10-15 years.  My Ex, though, would reap the benefits immediately.   Since he had less time with them he would always appear to be more special.  He may even turn out to be a 'Disneyland Dad' where he would show big bursts of excitement upon seeing them, offer grand gestures and gifts.  She told me to just stand back and let it all happen.  My children were young, but they would see through this.  In the end, they would know what was genuine and what was not.  They would know who was there for them.  They would know who loved them unconditionally and who acted selflessly.  She assured me that it did take time, but her kids eventually saw things clearly.  She told me that it was important to allow them to have that relationship with their dad because if it was ever strained she could say with clear conscious it had nothing to do with her.  She had always been supportive of that.  I knew she was right.  I had been telling myself this for months now and others had been telling me the same.  But to see someone who had actually lived through it just made the words all the more powerful.  My aunt also expressed to me a previous concern of hers that her kids would be apprehensive to getting married or having kids.  This wasn't the case, though. In fact, the divorce only helped shape her kids for the type of lives and parents they wanted to be.  It was all positive.  Sure, there were downsides to all of this too, but I didn't need to be reminded of them.  It was just so nice to hear that I was doing everything right and if I just kept going down this road, it would all be okay.  Eventually.