21 : Allow Yourself to Have Bad Days

Oh the emotions you go through when you are facing such an enormous life change.  In the beginning I toggled back and forth between sadness, anger and confusion.  I could feel any one of those at any given moment.  Time heals all wounds, right?  Well at first, time felt like my worst enemy.  I hated how long my days were.  And I dreaded the nights even more.  Eventually, I began to slowly creep out of my black hole.  I began going to therapy (see post #7).  I took a LOA from work (see post #6).  I became a regular fixture at yoga (see post #9).  I tried taking some pills (see post #13). Slowly, I started to feel like the tiniest bit of myself again.  I noticed I was having more good days than bad days.  I started to feel empowered at the thought of being in charge of my own happiness and became determined to create that life for myself.  I was positive.  Hopeful.  Optimistic.  But let's be honest here - I still had a lot of shit going on.  And while all the signs were showing progression, I should've known that another breakdown was inevitable.  It happened one day on a drive home.  Big, thick tears just began forming in my eyes.  I think they were streaming down my face before I even realized I was crying.  Soon my nose was running and I was sniffing and choking on sobs that seemed to be coming from the deepest place within me.  I was no longer hoping to resolve things with my husband. But my life was still messy- chopped up- spun around and I had no idea what direction I was heading in.  The thought was absolutely terrifying.  And I wallowed in it while the tears continued to fall.  I knew at that moment exactly who I needed to talk to:

Megs.

Out of respect for my friend, I will not dish out the specifics on the hardships she has faced in her life, but I will say she has not had it easy. In fact, someday when we both finally write our memiors hers will most definitely top mine on the best seller list (although I still like to think mine would at least make the list!) Looking at her life, I can say Megs had conquered every adversity with the utmost grace and strength.  She always landed on her feet.  It was impressive, inspiring and admirable.  She was not only my friend - she was my hero.  When she answered the phone, I didn't need to explain myself.  I was just crying and she knew. She knew what to say.  I don't know what her exact words were, but the message was clear.

There will be good days and there will be bad days.  
You have to give yourself a break - you're allowed to have bad days.  

I cried a little longer until I felt like the moment had passed.  And then I put it behind me.  Tomorrow was a new day.