18 : Be the Biggest Loser

I realize I may be sending mixed messages here.  Treat yourself to whole milk lattes (see post#12) and then lose some weight?  But, everything in moderation, okay?  After I had my second child, I became determined to lose some weight.  I didn’t have much time to work out anymore, so I joined Weight Watchers.  I would not say I have ever had a weight problem or was overly concerned about my size – but your body definitely changes after you have kids.  You mothers out there know what I am talking about.  I wanted to lose weight to look good for my husband, yes, but most importantly I just wanted to do it for myself.  I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable in my clothes anymore.  I didn’t want to feel self conscious about how things fit.  I knew my body would never be the same as before I had kids, but it was worth trying to lose a few pounds.  Weight Watchers proved to be a good program for me.  I was back to my pre baby weight within a few months.  And then I was back to my wedding weight.  I continued on to be the smallest I had been in years.  I was skinny again!  Woo Hoo!  It felt amazing.  People noticed and complimented me on how good I looked – especially after two kids!  (Remember- I did this for myself, but I'm not going to lie- the acknowledgement felt good!)  But then all of this happened with my marriage.  I lost more weight purely out of depression and stress.  As time went on, I stopped keeping up with the program because I was trying to just get through the day (see post #2).  Days went by.  Weeks.  Months.  I was no longer watching what I was eating.  Instead, I praised myself just for actually eating at all that day.  I began to worry that people would think I had lost all that weight because I was getting a divorce which REALLY infuriated me because I had worked so hard to lose that weight!  Eventually my appetite came back in full force and I began to notice I was getting bigger.  We aren’t talking a lot of weight, but a couple pounds here and there. Probably to an outsider I still looking very thin but you know your body and I could just tell.  So, I decided it was time to resume the program.  I started up on Weight Watchers again but this time with a different purpose.  I had met my original goal.  I wasn’t looking to drop any more weight- I just wanted to maintain.  I wanted to make informed decisions about my meals so I could continue to feel good about my size.  It was one of the few things that was actually making me feel good at this point, so I needed to keep that in tact.  I’m not suggesting that a weight loss program is the right thing for everyone at a painful time in their life.  But I had started this before and couldn’t let my relationship chaos stop me from doing what I had been doing.  I needed to get back to me and this was just one more way to help me get there.