305 : Bring Sexy Back

It's interesting to me, the timing in which my Ex chose to leave me.  I have probably touched on this in other posts, but let's be honest- this is post #305, I may be forgetting a few areas I've already hit!  (I am juggling a lot these days, so bare with me!)  Okay, back to the timing.  The timing was interesting because it happened to be right when I was just beginning to feel the happiest, sexiest and most together I had felt in years.  I just had my second child.  I was doing much better both physically and mentally than I was after my first baby.  I won't go as far as to say it was easier the second time around, but I do feel I had adjusted quicker after my second baby.  And I had gone from 1 child, to 2 children pretty seamlessly.  I had lost weight through conscious discipline (see post #18) and was feeling good about my body and how I looked.  And right as I was hitting my stride here was when my Ex acknowledged to me that he was not happy.  Our marriage quickly dissipated after that as you all know, and it left me feeling very uncertain about myself amongst other things.  How could one feel wanted or desirable when their husband left them (and - just speculating here- left them for another woman?)  It was a tough pill to swallow.  A very, VERY tough pill to swallow.  I was a confident person for sure, but the situation definitely shook me up.  It was important to feel wanted.  To feel desired.  Everyone needed this on some level, right? I wanted to channel that feeling again; the feeling I had just before our split where I had felt the happiest, sexiest and most together that I had felt in years.  It took me many months of soul searching, blogging, therapy (see post #7), yoga (see post #9), quality time with my kids and overall personal reflection to realize one thing.  I still liked who I was.  I loved the person I was, in fact.  That truth right there made me feel good again.  I began to walk with a bit more confidence.  I began to feel wanted again.  Desirable.  Sexy!  I was the real deal!  I did not need my Ex (or any man for that matter) to feel that way.  (Sure, attention from men helped, but I did not need it.)  I physically felt sexy, yes, but for me it was more than that.  I had returned to a state of mind where I felt good about the core of who I was.  Life could only get better from here.

304 : Some Good Advice

To all the divorced folk out there who have kids with an Ex, here is a piece of advice.  Don't communicate with your Ex in person.  Or rather, limit the in person exchanges to the basics.  Hello.  How were the kids? Is there anything about the kids I need to know?  Good bye.  Any issues or logistical agreements that need to be made should occur via email or phone.  Why?  Just trust me on this one.  I had not implemented this policy yet, but after last night that was my new plan.  I attempted to address something in person with my Ex and it went horribly wrong.  Truth be told, I normally exercised so much restraint with him that once it began to slide off the tracks, I continued to push.  (Come on, I was pissed!  I couldn't be cool every moment of every day.)  Lesson learned.  From now on, it would be the bare minimum when we saw each other and the rest would be determined over email.  Or so I would try...

303 : It's Become Very Clear

It had recently become very clear that it was time for me to find a new place to live.  I mean, it had been clear for a while but now it was really clear.  The multiple malfunctions at the apartment had all been signs that it was time.  My double stroller was stolen over the holidays.  And then a pipe in my bathroom froze (and eventually burst).  Then the oven broke.  (I smelled gas, called People's Energy and they disconnected it for fear of an "explosion").  It took nearly a month to get a new working oven.  And finally, last night there was a bathroom incident that I won't go into specifics on, but let's just say the message was crystal clear.  It was time to get out!  I had gone to see 3 houses in the past 2 weeks.  None of which were the one yet, but my slow 'just getting familiar with what's out there' search had turned into a genuine desire to take that next step.  It was good to remind myself of this.  I had felt lost for so many months and now everything happening was giving me a sense of direction.  I knew where I wanted to go next!  Now I still needed to get there, but I knew where I was going.  That was more than I could say a year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago or even 1 month ago.  I felt thankful and relieved to have that moment of clarity.  And now onto my house hunt...

302 : There Are No Words

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday.  I was a morning person by all means, so I tried to snap out of it.  But as my morning went on, I decided it would be better to just be honest with myself (and others around me) about how I was feeling.  I was undoubtedly in a bad mood.  A foul mood in fact.  I didn't get this way often, and I wasn't taking it out on everyone.  But I wanted to be clear to anyone I came into contact with, that this was the state I was currently in.  It had started with an exchange I had with my Ex over the weekend.  I asked what I thought was a simple question, and he responded from a place of anger.  And because my children were right there and in my presence for the rest of the day, I had no way to discuss with anyone what had happened.  For this reason, I wasn't really surprised when I woke up still stewing about it on Monday.  Over time, I had gotten much better at interacting with my Ex, and I knew when to end the conversation and walk away.  But for some reason, this time was different.  I was very angry by what had occurred.  It had indeed been a simple question.  How in the world was I supposed to co-parent with this man if he was completely unwilling to communicate with me?  It bothered me most of the day.  I spoke to my friend at work about it and even asked her to help me draft an email to him.  Should it be an email or should it be an in person conversation?  I debated back and forth, but in the end decided to send the email to get the weight off my chest.  I still didn't feel any better though, because I knew that I was only now waiting for him to retaliate.  And then I got home from work and found both of my boys getting ready for bed.  My youngest was tired, so even though they normally went down together, I got him in bed a little earlier that night.  My oldest wanted to lay on my bed and watch a show.  We got pjs on, cuddled together under a blanket and watched Curious George.  And for the first time in over 24 hours, I felt at peace.  I'm not sure what it was that brought me back.  Was it that I had addressed my frustration in sending that email?  Was it because I had just wasted enough time being bothered by this?  No, I don't think so.  In truth, I think it was just the sweet moment of cuddling with my son that reminded me what really mattered.  There was nothing left to say.  

301 : Ask Questions and Take Notes

300 : As Long as You're On the Same Page

I was at a dinner party the other night (see post #299 and side note: it was fabulous!  So thankful I went) and we were talking about what worked in relationships.  Everyone's "rules" were different.  What worked for one couple, might sound crazy to another but if it worked for them, then it worked for them.  As a single woman now, I liked hearing this.  I could see it in the healthy marriages I had around me, but the conversation with new friends only brought a fresher perspective.  Every relationship was different.  I was thankful for this.  Somehow the conversation led me to remember a friend of mine, and a funny story that I want to share.  My friend - who will remain nameless - liked to flash her boobs back in the day.  Or should I say, she had a tendency to do this sometimes when she was drinking.  It's far more innocent than it sounds...think about your college experience for a minute before you judge.  She grew up as we all did, fell in love and married a wonderful man.  And then years later, at a 30th birthday/reunion vacation in South Beach, it happened again.  Here we were a decade out of college and reliving the old days and yup, the boobs came out.  Now here comes the cutest part of my story.  She called her husband the next morning and gave full disclosure.  In fact, I don't even think she got it all out before we heard "Yes, I did."  Her husband knew her so well and I'm sure this wasn't the first time it had happened.  The phone call wasn't intense or heated, it was adorable.  She giggled as she told him about it, and while I couldn't hear his response on the other end, it was obvious he accepted her completely.  They loved one another, they communicated, they had mutual trust and adoration for each other.  It worked for them.  I loved that.  I didn't know what would work for me in my next marriage (yes, I am getting remarried one day!) but I had learned a few things that would certainly NOT work. Every relationship was different.  My next one would definitely be different.  It would be much much better!

299 : Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

The older I got, the less I enjoyed trying new things.  Well, that's not entirely true- I always like going new places for vacation or trying new restaurants.  I think what it came down to, was there were fewer people and social events for which I wanted to invest.  I had become selective over the years.  I had my friends and I wasn't always open to new situations that would introduce me to new friends.  And then suddenly you are divorced, and you have no choice but to try out new social situations.  I could still admit though, this was an area that I was not yet entirely comfortable.  I had been invited to a dinner party by a friend at work a couple weeks ago.  I can't say I knew her really well, but some girls that I did know were closer with her and they encouraged me to come along.  So, what the hell, I decided to go.  I know this may seem odd, it was only dinner, how bad could it be?  It's not that it would be bad at all.  It would just be different.  Unfamiliar.  When I was younger I was more open to these type of experiences, but the older I got, I just wanted to feel comfortable.  I didn't want to have to 'be on' during my downtime.  Yet, I knew that this past year had been all about change.  I accepted the dinner party invitation whole heartedly, knowing that I had nothing to lose and only things to gain.  It was worth a try, right?