360 : No Shame

I am very proud of my sense of humor.  (Duh, Obviously.)  I think I'm funny.  I mean, I'm not going to get all egotistical here but yes, I think I'm pretty darn funny.  I'm very good at the self deprecating jokes too because I can laugh at myself.  Perhaps, though,  I've used them a little too much this past year to mask true insecurities I feel.  The insecurities that come along with getting divorced.  For a very long time, I felt embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that I had gotten divorced.  Even worse, I had been abandoned and then divorced.  The fact that it wasn't a mutual choice made it more difficult to accept.  I admitted to people I was wounded by this, but I attempted to maintain my sense of humor during these difficult times.  And what better way to express my insecurities than to openly acknowledge them through humor?   I would often start off sentences jokingly saying,

I'm divorced so don't listen to any advice I have but…

I wanted to continue participating in conversations with friends, or be relevant when talking about a relationship, but each time, I felt it was necessary to put myself down before speaking.  I was ashamed of what had happened to me.  I felt like others viewed me as someone that had done something wrong or failed which is why I was in this situation to begin with.  I worried about anyone viewing me in such  way.  And I mean anyone.  I hated the fact that people might look at me and suggest I did something wrong to cause this horrific act.  They might think I was cruel or bitchy or not sexual enough.  And it took a long time of working through this topic for me to see that the only person that was judging me, was me.  I could still be funny.  I could still make jokes.  But to put myself down about the most sensitive thing in my life, only reinforced my insecurities.  I needed to stop being so hard on myself.  I needed to stop feeling embarrassed about what happened.  I needed to stop feeling ashamed.  My response to the most traumatic life change I had ever experienced, spoke more about me as a person that the divorce itself ever could.  That is what people saw.  They saw me.  Molly.  Accepting.  Adjusting.  Moving forward.  I had nothing to be ashamed of.