246 : Fresh Start

For many months now, I'd been wanting to redo my bedroom.  It was like a college room and it had been for years.  Mix matched furniture and an old school bed frame that still squeaked when you rolled over at night.  I wanted an adult room.  I had hoped my Ex and I would invest in a nice bedroom furniture set.  That was the next big thing on my list.  The next big thing for him was a divorce.  It's too bad we couldn't have used that divorce money towards furniture because it would've been quite a nice set!  But I digress.  The divorce happened for a reason as I've spent the past year realizing and I was now ready to create the room I alone had always wanted.  I had held off all this time because I was worried about spending the money.  The divorce had certainly eaten into my savings and had left me feeling a little more strapped than I liked.  But I didn't have debt so I had that going for me.  And then during the holidays, I received an email one day that West Elm was having an incredible sale and I felt obligated to look at their site.  Sure enough, there was a bed frame that I wanted immediately and a duvet cover and a new sheet set.  I had waited long enough.  It was time.  I pretty much just bought the entire room pictured on their site.  The rest of the furniture would come, I was only going to start with the bedding and the new frame, but it was enough.  I was so excited.  It would be all new.  All mine.  And just in time for the new year.  I could not wait for everything to arrive.

245 : It's My Mess

I'm typically a very clean person.  I like my home in order.  I like things put away.  Okay, I'm not always the best with laundry- I will wash and fold my clothes but I hate putting laundry away.  So often, the clothes sit in stacks on my dresser for almost a week.  That aside though, I like things clean.  When I go to bed at night, the kitchen is clean.  I do this because I hate waking up to a mess.  Whenever I make a meal, I eat it and then I clean up the kitchen.  I'm also very good at cleaning while I'm cooking or baking so there is less to do at the end.  The other night though, I made myself dinner and then I did the craziest thing.  I just left the dishes in the sink.  The dishwasher was full and clean but I didn't feel like unloading it at the moment.  So I just left them there.  Now granted, I still rinsed them out and had them neatly stacked in the sink, but I left them just the same.  I woke up the next morning and saw the dishes sitting there and felt completely liberated.  My kids were gone.  The house was mine and it was MY mess.  Not his.  Mine.  Now my Ex had been pretty good about cleaning up for us or cleaning up after himself, but he wasn't perfect (who was?).  On occasion he'd leave his dirty dishes in the sink.  It was annoying.  I'd wake up to a clean kitchen and then spot his dishes with dried food crusted to them just sitting in the sink.  Why he couldn't just go that one extra step and put them in the dishwasher was beyond me.  It was totally different though to have my own mess.  I knew I'd get around to unloading the dishwasher at some point and putting my dirty dishes away. But it wouldn't be today.  In fact, I'd let them sit there for a good 24 hours.  I could do this.  It wouldn't become a habit by any means, but there was something that just felt right about it.  Even the tiniest of shifts, made me feel like I was taking my life back.  Messy or not, I loved it.

244 : My Time

My boys left yesterday with their dad to celebrate Christmas.  They would be gone for 5 days.  5 Days!  I had known the plan and schedule for a while now, but it didn't really register until they left.  And fortunately, I didn't feel the least bit sad to see them go.  Don't get me wrong, I always missed them when they left but I was learning to truly appreciate the time I had.  I had just enjoyed a wonderful week in Michigan with my family and my kids.  I was ready to have a little time for myself.  And what a perfect week for them to go, too.  It was right on the cusp of the new year.  Upon returning to Chicago, I unloaded my car in about 6 trips and found my home bursting with stuff.  Toys.  Holiday Decor.  Laundry.  Just stuff.  I was able to have some time to get my home and life back in order.  I was still fighting a cold, so I was able to rest.  I didn't have to rush to complete anything like the typical 24 hour weekend away because I had 5 days!  It had taken me a long time to get here.  But I was grateful I could now appreciate this extra time.

243 : Write It Down

I'm going to share an article that someone forwarded to me from the Huffington Post just about a year ago.  I have read it multiple times since first receiving it, and yet I have still not taken the time to write anything down.  I'm going to do it.  This week.  With the new year just around the corner, I think the timing is perfect.  Enjoy.


Like A Phoenix

Magda Pecsenye - ASKMOXIE.ORG

Here's some hope for 2013 for those of you who are getting divorced because your former partner left:

Just because it wasn't your choice to end the marriage doesn't mean you don't have any choice now.

You can choose to grieve for what you thought you were going to have, for as long as it takes, and then find closure.

You can choose to let go of someone who didn't see your true value.

You can choose to bring the good with you, and leave the bad back in that marriage you thought was forever that turned out not to be.

You can choose to find a good therapist and explore how you can move forward. You can choose to read Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want to figure out how to give yourself what you need. (It's as excellent a guide for individuals as it is for couples.)

You can choose to rise from the ashes and create a new life for yourself.

You can choose to model self-love and confidence and hope for your children.

You can choose to bet on yourself.

Right now, write down on a piece of paper -- a Post-It, the back of an envelope, a clean fresh sheet -- your most hopeful, optimistic, crazy unrealistic fantasy of what your life looks like two years from today.

You can have that. You can have whatever life you create. This is your chance.

How are you going to start?

242 : I'm Still Somebody's Baby

On Christmas morning, I was walking down the stairs carrying my youngest and I slipped on the carpet.  I fell down and skidded past a couple stairs.  It hurt immediately although I couldn't identify exactly where.  My parents were right there, helping me up and getting me IB Profen (which for the record, is a staple in our family).  Both of my children woke up that same morning with nasty colds.  Their noses were running constantly, and the oldest one had a horrible cough.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I too was plagued with this.  It was impossible to avoid when my 3 year old was grabbing my toothbrush, eating off my plate or drinking out of my water glass.  And sure enough, the day after Christmas I woke up even more sore from my fall and feeling a bit under the weather.  My throat was sore.  My nose, stuffy.  I had been hit just like my kids.  All I wanted to do was lay around.  But my son was in desperate need of medicine and we had just ran out.  And my car really needed an oil change before I headed back to Chicago.  I started moving slowly to get ready for the store and my mom told me my dad had already taken care of my car.  I was so thankful and relieved at the same time.  I ran to the store to get my son more medicine and then went immediately to the couch.  I apologized to my mom- I really didn't feel good, but I felt bad just laying around.  She not only wanted me to get better, she encouraged me to rest.  So I was on the couch most of the morning and napped all afternoon.  Yes, even at 37, I was still somebody's baby.  And no matter how old I was, I still needed my parents.  Perhaps I had relied on them a little more in the past year than I had in others, but I would always need them.  And I was thankful that they were still there to help take care of me.

241 : Utilize Your Resources

On the night of Christmas Eve, we gathered together with our extended family to mark the occasion.  It was the first time I had seen much of my extended family since my divorce.  In fact, the last time I had seen most of them was just the year before for Thanksgiving when I was still a family of 4.  I had already broken my silence (see post #168) but it was nice to have the initial in person meeting as well.  Out of respect for me, there wasn't much said in direct relation to my situation, however I did receive some extra long hugs.  I was happy to see everyone, but was extra thankful for one person in particular.  My Aunt.  She too was divorced and a mother.  Her situation was different than that of my own, but she had proven to be an excellent example of the type of person I wanted to be in this situation.  She had raised her kids with her traditional values of faith, family, unconditional love and selflessness.  She was also incredibly generous when it came to her Ex.  She never spoke poorly of him in front of her children.  She encouraged them to have a relationship with their father.  She took the high road.  Always.  I had known this about my aunt growing up but I never quite understood what that meant.  And now that I was in a situation of my own, I had even greater respect for how she had carried herself during and after her divorce.  I was able to talk with her that night about my own struggles in dealing with my Ex.  I explained how it was still hard for me to see my boys gush over their father when I could see him for who he really was.  In fact, it actually hurt me on occasion.  I knew that wasn't right, but I also knew that if anyone would understand this feeling, it would be my aunt.  It was then that she shared with me some advice that was given to her many years ago when she first found herself in this situation.  She told me that my rewards would come, but they would not arrive for a good 10-15 years.  My Ex, though, would reap the benefits immediately.   Since he had less time with them he would always appear to be more special.  He may even turn out to be a 'Disneyland Dad' where he would show big bursts of excitement upon seeing them, offer grand gestures and gifts.  She told me to just stand back and let it all happen.  My children were young, but they would see through this.  In the end, they would know what was genuine and what was not.  They would know who was there for them.  They would know who loved them unconditionally and who acted selflessly.  She assured me that it did take time, but her kids eventually saw things clearly.  She told me that it was important to allow them to have that relationship with their dad because if it was ever strained she could say with clear conscious it had nothing to do with her.  She had always been supportive of that.  I knew she was right.  I had been telling myself this for months now and others had been telling me the same.  But to see someone who had actually lived through it just made the words all the more powerful.  My aunt also expressed to me a previous concern of hers that her kids would be apprehensive to getting married or having kids.  This wasn't the case, though. In fact, the divorce only helped shape her kids for the type of lives and parents they wanted to be.  It was all positive.  Sure, there were downsides to all of this too, but I didn't need to be reminded of them.  It was just so nice to hear that I was doing everything right and if I just kept going down this road, it would all be okay.  Eventually.

240 : Feel Peace

Merry Christmas!  It was officially a white Christmas where I was.  And I had spent several days with my family feeling the happiness and spirit of Christmas (see post #239).  It was amazing to me how this holiday was so very different than the one just one year ago.  Last year, my Ex had just told me a couple weeks before Christmas that he was unhappy in our marriage.  We went to his parent's house for the holidays as planned, but something was incredibly off.  I'm not sure if I was denial as to what was really happening, but I have never felt so alone in my life as I did that Christmas.  I wanted so desperately for my Ex to snap out of whatever was troubling him and to acknowledge we were in this together.  He had told me just a few days before we left that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore.  Gulp.  Okay.  I asked him if he even knew what it was about me that he fell in love with to begin with?  He said he didn't know.  Yes, that was the very dark world I was living in just one year ago.  I thought there was something I could do to fix the situation.  And so I tried to pull off what I felt was a very romantic gesture.  I had some letters we had written to each other prior to getting married.  Since he could no longer recall why he fell in love with me, I thought I would let him read his own words and then read my words to him.  I put the letters in a card for him as my Christmas gift.  I was naive.  I thought this act would open something in his heart that had somehow been blocked, but I could not have been more wrong.  Not only did it not change anything, my Ex didn't even read them.  I had spent time tracking down the letters and the perfect card for them to go in.  And he couldn't even be bothered to read them.  Last Christmas was pretty much one of the darkest days of my life.  And now a year later.  I was home with my parents and my boys.  I had just enjoyed the days leading up to Christmas surrounded by family.  I felt loved.  Unconditional, endless, heart bursting love.  My parents stayed up with me on Christmas Eve until nearly 1am assembling a very complex kitchen set that Santa had delivered.  There were far too many pieces for one to begin assembling at 10pm, but we did it.  There was no fighting.  No swearing.  Not even tension.  We put it together and then snapped some pics of our job well done.  Oh the clarity in just knowing how that would've gone down had a certain someone still been in my life.  I'm not going to say that 1 year was all it took to heal my heart from a divorce.  I knew that wasn't necessarily true.  I knew I was healing though.  I knew I had gotten better over the past year and I would only continue to do so.  And I knew that today of all days- a day that would always have a little bit of a negative association for me somewhere in the back of my mind- that today I felt peace.  I didn't know how I would feel tomorrow.  But today... I felt peace.  And that was by far the greatest gift I could ever receive for Christmas.