213 : Get Away

Okay, so here we were just 1 day away from Thanksgiving and I was ready.  That is, as ready as I would ever be to spend the holiday apart from my kids.  Their dad would be picking them up later that afternoon and I would be making my way to San Diego.  I suppose if I wasn't going to be with my kids, San Diego was probably the next best thing.  I'd be spending the holiday with my brother, his wife, their dog and the cutest little baby boy in the area: Kingston.  This was one thing I had gotten very good at in the past year.  I'd learned to identify far in advance situations that would be difficult for me and course correct before getting there.  Just a year ago for Thanksgiving I had been with my family in Michigan (see post #211).  I knew I could go there again, but I wasn't quite ready to face everyone on this day alone.  It's not like people didn't know what had happened with me, but I just didn't want to have to live through it just yet.  I'd at least prefer to have my children there as buffers if need be.  So instead of feeling uncomfortable in my 'normal' setting, I chose to do something entirely different.  The change of atmosphere would no doubt be just the environment I needed to get through the holiday.  And the company would be, well,  just perfect.  I was very much looking forward to my trip and making my way through my first major holiday post divorce.

212: Show Your Gratitude

This year would be the first Thanksgiving that I would not be with my children.  As part of the divorce, we had to split holidays moving forward.  I had insisted on Christmas for the first year knowing that one would be the most difficult for me.  I still feel that was the best decision, but no matter what it was going to be different this year.  My kids would be with their dad at his parents house.  I always felt thankful and relieved when I knew my kids were with their grandparents.  It's not that I didn't think they were safe with my Ex, because I knew they were.  I had peace of mind in knowing they had that other person who was going above and beyond: his mother.  Yes, I knew undoubtedly my former mother in law genuinely loved my kids.  She always reached out to me to ask questions or send updates or pictures when the boys were with her.  She fully acknowledged and respected I was the mother.  I appreciated that.  And even though she never said as much, I believe there was a part of her that felt she had to do more to make up for her son.  It would never be admitted and that was fine.  I saw it.  I hadn't fully figured out how to navigate my relationship with my former mother in law yet.  Things were certainly different now yet we shared one priority that was very high for both of us.  My children.  Knowing my kids would be with her on Thanksgiving this year, I wanted to send along a little something to thank her for everything she had done for them over the past year.  I chose a small autumn scented candle.  It wasn't a big gift at all.  But I knew she would appreciate the gesture.  We had many years of interactions ahead of us and I could only hope they would continue to be pleasant.  But for now, I would just be grateful for where we were today.

211 : What a difference a year can make

I've had a couple friends reach out to me in the past week and ask me how I am doing.  Like, how am I really doing?  And my answer for some reason remains the same.  I am actually good.  Perhaps if I look back as to where I was just one short (or long!) year ago, it will be made even a little more clear as to why I feel this way.  Last year for Thanksgiving, our family of 4 (myself, my husband at the time, our 2 year old and our 4 month old baby) went to Michigan to spend the weekend with my family.  We had agreed to rotate holidays, so my family would get us for Thanksgiving and then my inlaws would have us for Christmas.  And the following year it would flip.  I remember very vividly that my then husband, now Ex was rather tense that weekend.  He seemed extra cranky and irritable.  I assumed this was related to work.  He had enormous pressure on him because he was just within reach of hitting his first sales contest.  This was going to be a significant win for our family if he reached this goal.  Of course there would be a large financial benefit to him achieving this, but also, I felt professionally my then husband now Ex needed this validation.  He had been a career changer who was desperate to succeed.  I did everything I could to support him during this time, so I felt that his win was truly our win.  I remember specifically though, on Thanksgiving, he was in a particularly foul mood.  On Thanksgiving.  The day where you have nothing to do but sleep in, watch football and eat.  I told him I really wanted to get a picture of our family that day.  Anyone who has been following my blog knows that I loved pictures.  So, would it seem like that was a big thing to ask your partner for?  Just to pose and smile?  Well, he was damn near furious at this request.  And as my parents were taking the actual shot and our kids were squirming and crying, he turned to me and under his breath said:

I'm going to murder you.

Yes.  That is what my then husband, now Ex said to me on Thanksgiving of all days.  To be clear, this was not how my then husband, now Ex typically treated me.  He did have a tendency to fly off the handle a little, but not to that degree. I would not have married someone who spoke to me in such a way.  I knew he had been stressed.  I knew he was allergic to my parents cat and couldn't breath when he was at their house and then he had to take medicine which made him cranky and drowsy.  I knew what was on the line at work and how he wanted to provide for our family.  But come on.  I'm going to murder you?  I pulled him aside and asked him what was wrong.  I felt hurt that he would speak to me in such a way on Thanksgiving of all days.  I was his wife.  What was his problem?  And he apologized.  He used all the reasons I have already mentioned as to why his fuse was extra short that day. It was the very following week that he told me officially he was unhappy in our marriage.
So coming back to present day.  You may wonder, how am I doing.  How am I really doing?  Well, I think about that moment just a year ago and how that was the person I was with.  I didn't deserve that.  And he didn't deserve me.  I had been through a lot in the past year.  A LOT.  But I could say whole heartedly, as Thanksgiving drew closer, I had so very much to be thankful for.

210 : Make the Most of when you Host

I invited a couple friends from work to come over for breakfast this weekend.  It was kind of last minute but I was very much looking forward to it.  I had my boys, so we would all probably just be hanging out while the boys ran around us in their pjs.  These girls were sweet, they knew my kids and they would both make our Sunday morning more fun.  I wasn't planning to do anything too fancy, but then I realized I had some champagne I could chill.  Mimosas always tasted good, right?  Just in case.  I had planned my menu the day before.  Broccoli Cheddar Quiche (on Grandma Lalley's crust, of course!) fresh fruit and...well...bacon.  I picked up a couple ingredients with my boys that afternoon and prepped the filling while my youngest napped.  I had a show on for my oldest, so I was actually able to work in the kitchen and not be interrupted.  Cooking was so therapeutic for me, I had started to crave the act of it even more than the end product.  My youngest woke up and the three of us enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.  Once I got the boys in bed, I had to make my crust.  I rolled out my dough and got it perfectly into the dish on the second attempt.  Yes!  And then since I had some extra dough left, I made leaves to line the border of the crust.  It was beautiful and I was now feeling inspired.  I had just recently purchased a new table runner so I found my white table cloth and layered the runner on top.  Now I just needed a center piece.  I know it was just my friends.  I didn't need this to be fancy.  My boys would probably destroy the table before the girls even got here.  But I was enjoying pulling this all together.  I was such a creative person by nature, and life often seemed too busy for creativity.  I found a candle, a small hurricane vase and used some coffee beans to hold the candle in place.  Okay so a white/cream candle would have looked better, but this was still pretty cute.  Not bad for throwing this all together.  Not bad.  I was ready for brunch.

209 : I think this is what they call Closure

In the past week there had been a lot of discoveries.  My Ex now had a girlfriend.  My Ex was now living with said girlfriend.  The girlfriend was a former colleague of my Ex.  When I spoke with my Ex the other day (see post #207), he strongly denied any type of infidelity during our marriage.  As the mother of our children, I will abstain from commenting on that.  I knew, however, what others would think in hearing this and I didn't blame them.  Most importantly though, I wasn't sure it even mattered anymore.  I had been moving on for months.  I was in a different place.  Still, I couldn't express enough how incredibly good I felt having learned all this information.  Sounds crazy, right?  I should've been upset.  I should've been hurt.  I should've been angry.  And I'm not going to say those emotions didn't momentarily pass through me (see post #206) but that was the thing- they had passed almost immediately.  I think it wasn't so much the information I had learned, but the way in which I addressed my Ex. I had spent a week having anxiety about discussing this with my him knowing he might have a less than pleasant reaction.  But we had completed our conversation to my satisfaction.  I even felt like I had the upper hand.  He left the conversation somewhat spinning and I left it feeling free.  It was almost like closure.  It's funny how you spend so much time wanting something and then once you get it,  you realize you no longer need it.  So long!

208 : Be Heard

A few months ago, I received an email from the Neighborhood Parent Network 'calling all writers'.  They were requesting article contributions for their upcoming newsletter and invited all writers to share their stories.  In the past, this email probably would've ended up in my trash, but as someone who had recently discovered their passion for writing, I saw this as an opportunity.  I thumbed threw my blog and identified a post that I thought would be appropriate to share - both as a writer and a parent.  I submitted it within a couple days- feeling instantly nervous at both options of the article actually getting picked or being passed over.  They followed up with me after receiving my submission and asked for a picture and a small bio.  Again, both of which I had from my blog.  I still wasn't sure if my article had been selected, but they wanted all the information in their hands while they reviewed everything.  It would be a while before any decisions were made, so naturally after sending in my work, I moved on.  Time passed.  A couple days.  A week.  A month.  Almost 3 months.  The submission had completely fallen off my radar.  And then suddenly one day, I received an email notifying me that my contribution would be included in their next publication the beginning of January.  I was ecstatic!  I had been heard!  I felt so validated!  People (besides just my family and friends) might actually read what I was writing.  Oh my god.  PEOPLE (BESIDES JUST MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS) MIGHT ACTUALLY READ WHAT I WAS WRITING!  I suddenly felt very nervous.  But in a good way.  I definitely had a voice and had found a way to express myself. I was thankful at the opportunity to share it even further.

207 : Speak Your Truth

As I posted 2 days ago (see post #205) I recently had learned some interesting information regarding my Ex.  1.  He now had a girlfriend.  AND  2.  They were living together. This had not been communicated to me in advance, but rather was mentioned by my 3 year old son.  Not cool.  I took a couple days and 1 therapy appointment to process how I felt about this.  Additionally, I did a google search and learned with very little effort that said girlfriend was also a former colleague of my now Ex husband.  Well there you go.  I'm sure everyone will draw their own conclusions on this one and that is fair.  I still wasn't sure what I believed here but most importantly, I don't think it mattered any more.  Yes, I had questions about this girl - especially in learning she was a former colleague.  But I had moved so far forward, I wouldn't allow myself to go there.   Instead, I spent my time crafting my conversation with my Ex.  It was scheduled to be an in person conversation, but he wasn't feeling well, we ended up talking over the phone.  I told him I knew he was living with this girl.  I told him I knew that she had worked with him previously.  I told him this obviously raised A LOT of questions for me.  And then I told him I was not going to ask any of those questions, because it no longer mattered.  All I cared about was how this was related to our kids.  I felt disrespected as the mother of his kids that he would share a home with someone, and bring our kids into that home and not feel like this was something he needed to share with me.  I did not need to know when they met,  how long they had been together.  I didn't even care to meet her.  I did, however, want to know who would be entering my kids lives on a more regular basis and I felt like when they became roommates, that was what crossed the line.  My feelings were not immediately understood and there was a lot more explaining on the other end than what I had asked for or needed.  I reminded him of this.  You don't have to explain that to me. I only care about what you do as it relates to my children.  I made it clear to not use the word "hurt" or "angry" in describing myself, because he didn't deserve that much.  I only felt disrespected.  After much, MUCH conversation he apologized for making me feel as such and agreed to be forthright with things moving forward.  After we got off the phone, I received the longest (and strangest) text from him.  He thanked me for our conversation, but then went on to tell me how he did not want me talking to his family about this because even though they knew what was going on, they didn't know I knew.  Uh, ok.  And then he said that he wouldn't be telling the new girlfriend that I knew what was going on because she was already worried about he and I finding our balance as parents.  Okay, this actually made me laugh.  I responded that I felt honesty was the best way to communicate but that was up to him.  I didn't have to worry about him anymore.  It was someone else's problem.  I was oh so very free!!!!!!!