343 : The Divided Weekend

This past weekend my sister and her family came to Chicago to visit us during their Spring Break.  Her kids were a few years older than my boys but the cousins all loved seeing each other.  Unfortunately, the way the weekends lined up, my kids would be with their dad during this visit.  However,  my Ex was traveling the entire week before, so he requested to get the boys on Saturday instead of the normal Friday evening.  His request invited my request of keeping the boys until Saturday afternoon so they could spend some time with their cousins.  And fortunately for all of us, my Ex agreed without a hitch.  I was excited to see my sister and her family, but more importantly I was excited for my boys to see her kids.  They loved their cousins!  We hung out Friday night and spent the morning together doing all sorts of fun things.  Before I knew it, it was time to take my kids to their dad's.  It was the first time that I could remember, where I had dropped them off and then went back to my family without my kids.  My niece and nephews knew I was now divorced, but I still think it was surprising to see their cousins leave them when they still had another night in town.  I wasn't sure how the exchange would make me feel.  I had done it many times in the past, but this weekend in particular, having my family here, I wasn't sure if it would feel different at all.  I learned, though, that it didn't.  I dropped my kids off and then resumed my time with my sister and her family.  And I still enjoyed myself.  I was able to relax since I didn't have two little ones to feed and get to bed.  I enjoyed some wine. I had some great conversations with my sister and brother in law but most of all, I felt very comfortable.  This was a win for me.  My new life wasn't feeling so new anymore.  It was just my life and I was getting more and more comfortable with it.  I felt thankful to recognize this and poured myself another glass of wine.

342 : Message Received

My oldest son had been inquiring about his dad a lot lately (see post #324).  It was often difficult to hear.  I had spent so long working on myself to adjust to this life change; hearing his questions brought back many of the questions I had myself.  I tried to be sensitive to his needs.  When he asked for his dad, I tried to identify the next time he would see his dad and focus him on that.  Our new life was still confusing for all of us, but I needed to be emotionally available and supportive to him.  The questions continued.  And each time, I tried to answer from a place of calm.  And then the other day, I witnessed an exchange between my boys.  My youngest was whining that he wanted daddy.  Before I could address him, my oldest jumped in to comfort his brother.

You want daddy?  He's not here right now, but it's okay.  It's okay, honey.  

I was taken back by the response and support he was now giving his younger brother.  It wasn't the exact way I phrased it to him, but the message had gotten through.  They were both longing for more from their dad, and I wasn't confident they would ever get it.  But they had me.  And more importantly, they had each other.  The message I was sending had been received and it was now being passed on.  And as I watched the two of them in that moment, I felt something flood my heart:  pride.

341 : Everything Happens for a Reason

Well, I didn't get the townhouse.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  It obviously wasn't  meant to be, right?  I still needed to unwind with some wine last night.  A lot of wine.  More to come tomorrow.

340 : Play the Hand You Were Dealt

So I made an offer on the townhouse yesterday.  I still don't know yet if they accepted.  There were multiple offers on the table at the time I made mine, and unfortunately I had no idea what they were or how mine compared.  I asked my realtor if I would be able to write a letter to distinguish myself in some way.  He liked the idea and noted that people were getting more and more creative these days given the market.  Yes, I was going to play the abandoned single mom card again.  But come on, if I was actually in this situation, certainly there must be some benefit from it, right?  And how much longer would I able to use this?  So, I sat down to comprise my letter.  Perhaps by humanizing the offer a little, I could influence the seller.  Perhaps not, but if I didn't try I would never know.


To the Owner:
My name is Molly McNamara and I am really interested in purchasing your town home! I understand you are probably entertaining multiple offers, so I wanted to share some personal details about why my family wants to call this place our home.
I am a single mother of 2 young boys, Jack and Rory. We are currently living in the city. My husband (now Ex-husband) walked out on us just over a year ago when my boys were 6 months and 2 years old. Needless to say, it’s been a very challenging year but we have all grown closer in spite of it. 
I am looking for a place to make a FRESH start and raise my family in a home full of love. My good friends live in Glenview and I’ve enjoyed spending time in the area. In fact, I’ve focused my search on this area in particular because I feel very comfortable in the neighborhood, I know the schools are excellent, and I have a tremendous support system nearby. I’ve looked at several places and feel your home truly offers everything I want to provide for my family. 
I hope you will consider my offer and thank you for your time.

Now I just had to sit back, wait it out and hope for the best.

339 : The Next Move

I am going to look at a townhouse today.  In fact, by the time you read this, I may have already gone to see it.  I've gone to see several prospective properties, so you might wonder, what is so special about this one today?  1) I like it and 2) I can afford it.  Woo Hoo!  This is progress.  The bad part that accompanies this is that there are others out there who like it and can afford it and as a result there are already multiple offers on the unit.  The last thing I want to do is get myself into a bidding war.  But I owe it to myself to go see the property first hand, and make a call based on what my gut says.  Despite all of this, there is something that makes me feel a little nervous.  I know, it's buying a place that is smaller and far more expensive than what I grew up in (although after 13 years in Chicago, my cost of living gage has adjusted accordingly).  It would be strange if I didn't feel a little nervous in making such a big decision, right?  I don't think that is it entirely though.  I have been thinking, talking and planning for 'what is next' for so long, that to think that it could actually be here kind of freaks me out.  Again, it would be weird if it didn't a little, I know, but it still gives me that nervous feeling just the same.  I know it's time.  I know I'm ready to move to a new place.  I know I will appreciate owning a unit that I pay less for monthly than I currently pay in rent.  I know that long term the suburbs are the best decision for raising my kids and my support network of friends will help make the transition so much easier.  Yet still, I feel nervous.  And after having spent a very long time learning how to manage my anxiety appropriately (see previous posts #5, #6, #7 and #9) it is uncomfortable to have it resurface just a little.  I suppose change is always a little nerve wrecking and that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.  Plus you have to invest yourself in things to get where you want to be.  This means being vulnerable…even with housing and that word alone is scary to me still.  But I am still moving forward, so I am not paralyzed by fear - just slightly nervous about it.  I think this is a positive thing.  I am going to continue to tell myself this all day today.  And regarding the townhouse, we will just have to see what happens.

338 : My Response to Gwyneth Paltrow

I'm a little late to this one.  I just heard the other day that Gwyneth and her husband Chris Martin were separating.  I hate hearing this about anyone- famous or not.  As someone who has been through a divorce with children, I can sympathize with the position they are in.  I can relate to the emotional roller coaster that will unfold and the challenges that lie ahead.  Yes, I do not wish this on anyone.  However,  after I learned this news, I then learned about the comment Gwyneth made to E! about her struggles as an actress vs. those 'office' moms.

"I think it's different when you have an office job, because it's routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening. When you're shooting a movie, they're like, 'We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,' and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it's not like being on set."
-Gwyneth Paltrow

As a mother myself, I found this comment to be completely disrespectful but as a working single mother I found it to be outright offensive.  What I wouldn't give to have my mornings to get things done.  Could someone please explain to me how this happens?  My oldest son, age 3, wakes up the minute I do (if not earlier) so I am barely able to complete a thought without having someone tugging at me in the morning.  And then my youngest is also beginning to wake up and want my attention at the same time.  It seems no matter how much earlier I set the alarm, it makes no difference; somehow they both just know when I am awake.  The other morning, in fact, I allowed my 3 year old to capture the moment because, well, I needed to keep him entertained so I could attempt to finish getting ready for work.  This is my life.

The hours of 9-5 no longer exist in the professional world.  My phone is buzzing at all hours with texts and emails.  Not only is it normal that people respond to said emails and texts at all hours, it is expected.  And if I chose to punch out and not respond immediately, I am only punishing myself because it is just one more thing to do the next day.  Plus I have kids, so I have to make myself available constantly or I will be written off  as 'just being a mom' instead of the accomplished professional I am.  Because of this, I bring my computer home every night and often find myself working for several hours after my kids go to bed, just to keep up.

Which brings us to the evenings.  I come home from work exhausted, hungry and wanting to do nothing more than put on my comfy yoga pants and snuggle with my kids.  What tends to happen though, is that after having been gone all day, my children are usually riled up to see me.  This prolongs them going to bed, which then prolongs my ability to make dinner for myself.  Should I chose to leave the dishes in the sink or not wash my pans, I will only hate myself more in the morning.  So every night I leave the kitchen tidy (sometimes before I even sit down to eat!) and I prep my coffee for the next day.  Then I pour myself a glass of wine and tune into to something that requires very little thinking power to follow.  This is pretty much my routine day in and day out.  It does not include any of the additional gems that make life fun like grocery shopping, doing laundry, working out or heaven forbid a night of socializing.  On top of all of this, I have to live with the constant guilt on both ends- work and home.  I always feel like I am failing at both, even though I scold myself simultaneously for thinking such a thing.  Somehow I am doing it, though.  With very little help from my Ex, with no family in the state, I am somehow dual pathing my life of mother and working professional.  And I'm doing it pretty damn successfully.

Will it ever get easier?  I'm not sure.  The balance of work and kids will most likely always be a sensitive topic for me.  But the divorce topic has become less so, so I have that going for me.  Gwyneth will get there too.  It will probably take time, and it won't always be easy, but she will get there.  And in the meantime, if she needs some support, I know of a great blog.

337 : To My Friend, Anjali

I began this blog 11 months ago as an outlet for myself working through such a major life change.  As I approach the final month of my writing, I am beginning to feel very reflective as to how far I've come.  I may never be able to get in all the personal shout out's and thank you's that are necessary but I am going to try.  Today's post in particular, is to my very good friend, my very first friend: Anjali.  Anjali showed up at my parent's house on Bromley sometime in the early 80's asking my mom if there was anyone in the household her age that she could play with?  I was in my room, perched at the barbie dollhouse and my mom walked in with a little girl following.  And there began our beautiful friendship.  Her parents chose to pursue other professional interests a couple years later, which resulted in a move from Michigan to Florida.  I was heartbroken at the time.  I can say that with complete honestly.  I was literally heartbroken when she left.  I had lost my first best friend.  But yet somehow we remained in touch.  During the adolescent years it was a little tough- we exchanged letters from time to time.  And then I even went down to Florida for a visit.  Our communication was limited but somehow there was still a connection.  I think we lost each other almost entirely during college- but who didn't lose themselves a little at that time?  And then of course, we emerged as adults and reconnected post college years learning we had so much more in common that we ever knew to begin with.  And that was that.  We were back in each other's lives for good.  I stood up in her wedding.  She gave a reading in mine.  I admired her ambition, her hard work, and her ability to juggle it all.  She made it look so easy.  She was  career driven and a loving mother.  The perfect oxymoron of goals, yet a position so many of us found ourselves in.  When I first learned my then husband was unhappy in our marriage, I called my friend.  She listened.  She gave me sound advice.  She listened some more.  She did not always say what I wanted to hear, but I valued her opinion.  And there one thing that she consistently reminded me of more than any other person in my life.  Don't give up all that you've worked for professionally.  During my LOA (see post #6) my job was my lowest priority.  I was trying to process everything and focused on how I would get through this.  My first thought was to return to my native Michigan where I would have a larger support system.  And I was willing to start over professionally at that moment to make it happen.  It wasn't even starting over.  It would've been taking a step back in my career.  I validated this option to myself multiple times.  I think every other person in my life supported a move as well (which I also needed to hear at the time, so I'm not criticizing that)  but it was Anjali who reminded me about my career.  A career that I had invested in, I had earned my spot through 12 years of service, I had opportunity in front of me and I had something that was all mine.  I had been so emotional and confused, I actually considered throwing that away.  And now…just over a year later…I can say with complete sincerity, I am so glad I did not.  I do not love my job every single day that I am there.  I do, however, feel valued.  I do feel like I have some control over my future.  I do feel like the options in front of me are there because I have earned them, and those for which I haven't yet earned, are still achievable.  I may not be satisfied with the position forever, but if I leave it will be because I chose to leave - not because I make an emotional decision out of fear.  Until this very moment, I don't think I have thanked my friend for this sound and consistent perspective she provided.  A point of view I desperately needed.  So…Anjali…thank you.  Your support means the world to me.  And your professional guidance was right.  Thank you.