293 : Reflection

I was thinking about Valentine's Day the other night and where I was in my life at that moment.  I knew time was irrelevant but it had been a over a year since my husband abandoned me and I was still not dating.  I continued to say to as many times as possible- admittedly to remind myself- I was ready to meet someone new.  I was ready to date.  I wanted to find someone.  I wasn't in any way consciously holding myself back.  But was I truly trying to put myself out there?  Was I really available?  Honestly, I felt strongly that I was over my Ex.  I had believed him to be someone that he was not.  Or perhaps he had been that person at one time, but he changed.  When I saw him, I felt like he was a stranger.  Like someone I had never even known.  But I realized that I was very much still hurt and afraid of the act.  I was abandoned.  By the person that I trusted the most in my life.  I was terrified that this act would occur again.  Being dumped or rejected felt far less severe than being abandoned.  How could I ever believe that this wouldn't happen again?  How would I ever be able to open my heart again?  I didn't realize I was sad but the tears were there before I knew it.  And with a big exhale I felt a release far greater than I had expected.  I was still so completely hurt by the act.  Not so much the person, but the betrayal.  Because of this I had held myself back.  Not intentionally, but I had.  I was scared.  How could I ever feel confident about any man again?  And finally, how did I not realize I felt this way until this very moment?  I did not want my past to interfere with my ability to have a happy future.  I knew that.  I had no idea, though, how to ensure that.  But I had identified it!  That was a start.