217 : I Always Cry at Goodbye

I have never been very good at good byes.  Be it saying goodbye to my parents after a nice visit, or goodbye to my children before they went with their father for the weekend.  I get emotional.  Every time.  So it should come as no surprise, that yesterday, after enjoying a perfect weekend with my brother and his family, I suddenly lost it- almost on cue- when it was time to say goodbye.  I recognize that to my loyal readers, I may often sound all over the board here.  I’m strong and confident one day and then I’m sad and hurting the next.  That’s a fair assessment.  I'd like to think that it's quite normal for anyone going through a significant life change but perhaps that was just normal for me.  Regardless, that was where I was.  So in knowing that, I will recount for you now what transpired in my final hours in San Diego.  I woke up with a genuine pain in my heart from missing my children so deeply.  I could almost cry now even as I write this because it was so real.  I thought I was tougher than that.  I knew I would miss them, but I did not anticipate to feel that weight of emptiness having been apart from them for a little over 3 days.  I should have known better.  I reminded myself I would see them the next day and climbed out of bed.  I spent the morning with my brother’s family.  We had a nice breakfast.  We took a walk to the beach- the weather was the typical beautiful San Diego day with temperatures nearing 70.  I thought the sun would lighten my heart and brighten my mood.  And it did for a short while.  It wasn’t until I said my final goodbyes and my brother and I were on our way to the airport that it truly hit me.  I gave him a warning, although I think he knew me well enough by now to know that it was coming.  And then the tears came – raw and pure.  My brother had seen this before, and to his credit he had gotten much better over the years in acknowledging his sister in this sad state. I told him I missed my boys, but I didn’t even have to – he knew.  I mean, I was ready to go back to Chicago, but I wasn’t.  My kids wouldn’t even be there when I got home.  He reminded me what I had survived already and how the new year was on the horizon.  And there was no doubt that 2014 was going to be a better year for me.  He was certain that I deserved that.  I knew he was right.  I knew that on any other day, I could have told myself all the same things and it would’ve been enough.  But today, as the goodbye was already stirring emotion within, I was thankful to hear it from someone else.