74 : Let Go of the Guilt

As mom's, we somehow always seemed to be prone to guilt.  I felt guilty I was not eating healthy enough or working out as much as I should.  I felt guilty I was not keeping up with my friendships better.  I felt guilty I was not delivering enough at work.  And I always felt guilty I was not giving enough to my kids.  As my younger son's first birthday approached, I began to feel very guilty about the plans (or lack there of) for his celebration.  For my first son, we had thrown a party.  It had a theme.  Invitations.  Friends.  Cupcakes.  A smash cake!  We had made a big to do about his first birthday.  And now my youngest was nearing the big 1 mark, and I had very little thought through on how we would celebrate.  So much had transpired in the past year.  I could still visualize the four of us smiling for pictures at the hospital just a year ago as we welcomed the new little guy into our family.  And then within a matter of months, my husband left me.  He moved out.  He filed for divorce.  And our family suddenly was reduced to a unit of 3.  I had already felt I failed in capturing as many pictures of my younger son over his first year. I was told this just happens with number 2, but I still felt bad about it.  And now, his birthday was around the corner and I had decided against having a party.  Instead we would be traveling to visit his grandparents and cousins for a smaller, more intimate celebration.  I was feeling overly emotional one night and broke down on the phone to my mom that this would not be enough.  She reminded me what a good mother I was.  She assured me I had nothing to feel guilty about- that I had provided my son with a warm, happy environment and I had given him all the love in the world.  He didn't need a party when he had me.  He wouldn't even remember a party for that matter.  But he would always know he had a mother who loved him with her whole heart.  I accepted her words and promised myself I would let go of the guilt (at least as far as this subject was concerned).  I was doing the best I could and I would continue to do so.  And if that wasn't enough, hopefully the smash cake would make up for it.