201 : It's Not a Competition

I'm writing this blog to myself, because often I forget in the world of parenthood- it's not a competition.  I'm not talking about comparing myself to other parents.  I'm talking about the never ending score keeping between Mom and Dad about who does more.  Even when I was happily married, this happened from time to time.  It always seemed as far as the kids were concerned, that more fell on my plate than on his.  I had accepted that.  In many ways, I had even willingly chosen that, but it was still a point of stress at times.  To be clear, that is not what caused the dissolution of our marriage.  I have happily married friends still today that agree this is a constant area of tension in their relationships.  It was even trickier, though, as divorced parents.  It bothered me that I often felt like my contribution was 95%, and his was only 5%.  Yet he was still allowed to split the holidays with me (my children would be with their father on Thanksgiving this year) and no matter what- we both equally shared the title of their parents.  The other night, I had asked my Ex if he could pick up fresh toothbrushes for the boys.  They had been sick (the youngest really sick) and I wanted to get them brand new toothbrushes.  He agreed he would bring them that night since he was coming to see them.  And I trusted that he would.  They were toothbrushes for crying out loud. The next night when I was putting my kids to bed, I saw that there were not new toothbrushes in the bathroom.  So not only did he not follow through as promised, he didn't let me know he had forgotten so I hadn't picked them up myself.  I was so SO annoyed.  Here I was the one doing everything!  I was the one who had gotten up multiple times in the night just the other day while my youngest threw up.  I changed his pajamas 3 different times.  I changed his sheets 3 different times.  I alone gagged as I washed off far too much vomit for a 1 year old to produce.  I had asked the tiniest thing from my Ex and he had not delivered.  It was infuriating.   But in the end, it really didn't matter.  He would never give them what I gave them.  I don't think he was capable.  That's probably half the reason why he left us.  I needed to just accept this and not get upset about it every time it happened.  Easier said than done, I know.  But I had to try.  He would always be their dad and they would love him.  They were already elated to see their dad at these young ages.  I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad.  They deserved that.  They needed us both and they could love us both.  I would never get the validation from him that I wanted.  The acknowledgment of just how much he had left me with.  So I needed to stop trying to win.  I had the kids 95% of the time.  That was the real win. I would keep my focus in that moving forward.