305 : Bring Sexy Back

It's interesting to me, the timing in which my Ex chose to leave me.  I have probably touched on this in other posts, but let's be honest- this is post #305, I may be forgetting a few areas I've already hit!  (I am juggling a lot these days, so bare with me!)  Okay, back to the timing.  The timing was interesting because it happened to be right when I was just beginning to feel the happiest, sexiest and most together I had felt in years.  I just had my second child.  I was doing much better both physically and mentally than I was after my first baby.  I won't go as far as to say it was easier the second time around, but I do feel I had adjusted quicker after my second baby.  And I had gone from 1 child, to 2 children pretty seamlessly.  I had lost weight through conscious discipline (see post #18) and was feeling good about my body and how I looked.  And right as I was hitting my stride here was when my Ex acknowledged to me that he was not happy.  Our marriage quickly dissipated after that as you all know, and it left me feeling very uncertain about myself amongst other things.  How could one feel wanted or desirable when their husband left them (and - just speculating here- left them for another woman?)  It was a tough pill to swallow.  A very, VERY tough pill to swallow.  I was a confident person for sure, but the situation definitely shook me up.  It was important to feel wanted.  To feel desired.  Everyone needed this on some level, right? I wanted to channel that feeling again; the feeling I had just before our split where I had felt the happiest, sexiest and most together that I had felt in years.  It took me many months of soul searching, blogging, therapy (see post #7), yoga (see post #9), quality time with my kids and overall personal reflection to realize one thing.  I still liked who I was.  I loved the person I was, in fact.  That truth right there made me feel good again.  I began to walk with a bit more confidence.  I began to feel wanted again.  Desirable.  Sexy!  I was the real deal!  I did not need my Ex (or any man for that matter) to feel that way.  (Sure, attention from men helped, but I did not need it.)  I physically felt sexy, yes, but for me it was more than that.  I had returned to a state of mind where I felt good about the core of who I was.  Life could only get better from here.

304 : Some Good Advice

To all the divorced folk out there who have kids with an Ex, here is a piece of advice.  Don't communicate with your Ex in person.  Or rather, limit the in person exchanges to the basics.  Hello.  How were the kids? Is there anything about the kids I need to know?  Good bye.  Any issues or logistical agreements that need to be made should occur via email or phone.  Why?  Just trust me on this one.  I had not implemented this policy yet, but after last night that was my new plan.  I attempted to address something in person with my Ex and it went horribly wrong.  Truth be told, I normally exercised so much restraint with him that once it began to slide off the tracks, I continued to push.  (Come on, I was pissed!  I couldn't be cool every moment of every day.)  Lesson learned.  From now on, it would be the bare minimum when we saw each other and the rest would be determined over email.  Or so I would try...

303 : It's Become Very Clear

It had recently become very clear that it was time for me to find a new place to live.  I mean, it had been clear for a while but now it was really clear.  The multiple malfunctions at the apartment had all been signs that it was time.  My double stroller was stolen over the holidays.  And then a pipe in my bathroom froze (and eventually burst).  Then the oven broke.  (I smelled gas, called People's Energy and they disconnected it for fear of an "explosion").  It took nearly a month to get a new working oven.  And finally, last night there was a bathroom incident that I won't go into specifics on, but let's just say the message was crystal clear.  It was time to get out!  I had gone to see 3 houses in the past 2 weeks.  None of which were the one yet, but my slow 'just getting familiar with what's out there' search had turned into a genuine desire to take that next step.  It was good to remind myself of this.  I had felt lost for so many months and now everything happening was giving me a sense of direction.  I knew where I wanted to go next!  Now I still needed to get there, but I knew where I was going.  That was more than I could say a year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago or even 1 month ago.  I felt thankful and relieved to have that moment of clarity.  And now onto my house hunt...

302 : There Are No Words

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday.  I was a morning person by all means, so I tried to snap out of it.  But as my morning went on, I decided it would be better to just be honest with myself (and others around me) about how I was feeling.  I was undoubtedly in a bad mood.  A foul mood in fact.  I didn't get this way often, and I wasn't taking it out on everyone.  But I wanted to be clear to anyone I came into contact with, that this was the state I was currently in.  It had started with an exchange I had with my Ex over the weekend.  I asked what I thought was a simple question, and he responded from a place of anger.  And because my children were right there and in my presence for the rest of the day, I had no way to discuss with anyone what had happened.  For this reason, I wasn't really surprised when I woke up still stewing about it on Monday.  Over time, I had gotten much better at interacting with my Ex, and I knew when to end the conversation and walk away.  But for some reason, this time was different.  I was very angry by what had occurred.  It had indeed been a simple question.  How in the world was I supposed to co-parent with this man if he was completely unwilling to communicate with me?  It bothered me most of the day.  I spoke to my friend at work about it and even asked her to help me draft an email to him.  Should it be an email or should it be an in person conversation?  I debated back and forth, but in the end decided to send the email to get the weight off my chest.  I still didn't feel any better though, because I knew that I was only now waiting for him to retaliate.  And then I got home from work and found both of my boys getting ready for bed.  My youngest was tired, so even though they normally went down together, I got him in bed a little earlier that night.  My oldest wanted to lay on my bed and watch a show.  We got pjs on, cuddled together under a blanket and watched Curious George.  And for the first time in over 24 hours, I felt at peace.  I'm not sure what it was that brought me back.  Was it that I had addressed my frustration in sending that email?  Was it because I had just wasted enough time being bothered by this?  No, I don't think so.  In truth, I think it was just the sweet moment of cuddling with my son that reminded me what really mattered.  There was nothing left to say.  

301 : Ask Questions and Take Notes

300 : As Long as You're On the Same Page

I was at a dinner party the other night (see post #299 and side note: it was fabulous!  So thankful I went) and we were talking about what worked in relationships.  Everyone's "rules" were different.  What worked for one couple, might sound crazy to another but if it worked for them, then it worked for them.  As a single woman now, I liked hearing this.  I could see it in the healthy marriages I had around me, but the conversation with new friends only brought a fresher perspective.  Every relationship was different.  I was thankful for this.  Somehow the conversation led me to remember a friend of mine, and a funny story that I want to share.  My friend - who will remain nameless - liked to flash her boobs back in the day.  Or should I say, she had a tendency to do this sometimes when she was drinking.  It's far more innocent than it sounds...think about your college experience for a minute before you judge.  She grew up as we all did, fell in love and married a wonderful man.  And then years later, at a 30th birthday/reunion vacation in South Beach, it happened again.  Here we were a decade out of college and reliving the old days and yup, the boobs came out.  Now here comes the cutest part of my story.  She called her husband the next morning and gave full disclosure.  In fact, I don't even think she got it all out before we heard "Yes, I did."  Her husband knew her so well and I'm sure this wasn't the first time it had happened.  The phone call wasn't intense or heated, it was adorable.  She giggled as she told him about it, and while I couldn't hear his response on the other end, it was obvious he accepted her completely.  They loved one another, they communicated, they had mutual trust and adoration for each other.  It worked for them.  I loved that.  I didn't know what would work for me in my next marriage (yes, I am getting remarried one day!) but I had learned a few things that would certainly NOT work. Every relationship was different.  My next one would definitely be different.  It would be much much better!

299 : Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

The older I got, the less I enjoyed trying new things.  Well, that's not entirely true- I always like going new places for vacation or trying new restaurants.  I think what it came down to, was there were fewer people and social events for which I wanted to invest.  I had become selective over the years.  I had my friends and I wasn't always open to new situations that would introduce me to new friends.  And then suddenly you are divorced, and you have no choice but to try out new social situations.  I could still admit though, this was an area that I was not yet entirely comfortable.  I had been invited to a dinner party by a friend at work a couple weeks ago.  I can't say I knew her really well, but some girls that I did know were closer with her and they encouraged me to come along.  So, what the hell, I decided to go.  I know this may seem odd, it was only dinner, how bad could it be?  It's not that it would be bad at all.  It would just be different.  Unfamiliar.  When I was younger I was more open to these type of experiences, but the older I got, I just wanted to feel comfortable.  I didn't want to have to 'be on' during my downtime.  Yet, I knew that this past year had been all about change.  I accepted the dinner party invitation whole heartedly, knowing that I had nothing to lose and only things to gain.  It was worth a try, right?

298 : A Minor Victory Post Divorce

Per the terms of our divorce agreement, my Ex is supposed to pay me (and the boys) a certain amount each week.  I’ve set this up for both of us to track in a shared calendar (see post #262).  Out of every paycheck, I get child support.  This is a standardized percentage that is automatically withdrawn from his check every pay period, routed through the state and then directly deposited into my account.  It typically takes 1 week to arrive in my account.  At first I found this to be inconvenient, but now that I am aware of the timing, it’s fine.  The weeks I am not receiving child support, my Ex gives me money for our nanny and for my oldest son’s school.  (the school payment is only once a month, but the nanny payment is twice a month).  So pretty much every single week I (we) receive something from him.  Or at least I (we) am (are) supposed to.  This past week, however, there was a little mishap.  On Friday, I waited to receive the money he was supposed to send as per usual.  By 5pm, I had still not heard from him, or received the money but I consciously chose to wait it out.  Money was a point of contention for both of us.  It caused me great stress and anxiety to have to initiate any conversations with my Ex about money.  This was stressful even during the time we were married, and it had only become more contentious since our divorce.  He approached every money conversation on the defense and he was typically angry about them.  I wanted nothing more than to NOT have to ask.  The terms had been set.  I just wanted him to pay the money and have us never discuss another dollar again.  But of course, that was not how it worked.  So back to last Friday.  The money was never sent.  I woke up Saturday morning bothered by this as I had already fronted the money for both our nanny and for school the day before.  Once again, he had put me in a position where he wasn’t following through and was not communicating with me about it in any way.  I sent him a money request through Chase and hoped that would be the end of it.  I went on with my day and by late afternoon, I noticed that there had still been no response to my request.  Okay, now I was getting pissed- I had properly planned my finances but because of him, I was going to be overdrawn in my account.  I texted him directly and asked him to please send me the money.  He responded telling me there had been a ‘glitch’ at the bank and his check was not deposited as it was supposed to.  Now to be clear, I am not suggesting he was lying here- you can all draw your own conclusions on that one.  What bothered me though, was that he had not reached out to tell me this.  If it was a problem with the bank- just send me a text and let me know so I can plan accordingly!!!!  This wasn’t the first time we had discussed this and it infuriated me his lack of communication.  (side note: situations like this reminded me how thankful I was we were no longer together).  We exchanged a few texts after that, none of which were productive.  The money was not there and it would not be there for a couple days.  Unfortunately for me, I was charged by my bank twice in a matter of 4 days for having insufficient funds.  Finally, on Wednesday the following week, my Ex received his check and sent the money as he was supposed to.  And now here comes my victory.  He asked me if I had been charged by my bank for having insufficient funds and I told him yes.  Twice.  He then sent the money to cover those charges.  VICTORY!  Was it a given that he should do this?  Yes.  But our conversations were already tense enough, I don’t think I ever would have asked him for it.  It was not worth the response.  So for once, he actually thought of it on his own and offered.  I knew it was a teeny tiny victory- and what would be better than getting the charges covered would be just to have him pay me in a timely manner.  But for now, I would acknowledge this as a victory just the same and I’d take it.  Until next time… 

297 : Love by the Numbers

I've been thinking about dating a lot as of late.  Where are all the good men?  How come nobody has snatched me up yet?  Here my Ex is already living with someone else (consciously refraining from commenting more on that) and yet I am just living the dream...alone.  It feels so unfair.  I know life is unfair, but this feels really unfair.  If only I could go back and do it all over again, what would I do differently?  Well I think we should start with college.  Right off the bat, I can say I did not take advantage of the dating options I had in college.  I was that girl.  I was far more interested in hanging out with my girlfriends that I was in having a relationship with a guy.  I mean, I liked guys.  I flirted with guys.  I hooked up with guys.  But I can't say I "dated" in college.  I don't even think I knew how to be in a relationship at that time.  Looking back, I can say now that was a prime opportunity to meet a good guy and I missed it.  (Additionally, I will say that if I could do it all over again, I think I would've been a little sluttier too, but that's besides the point.)  My first real relationship came after college and lasted a year, maybe two?  (Sad, that I don't even remember now).  We were clearly not meant to be, but that relationship taught me a lot about myself, about being vulnerable and yes of course, about love.  Our breakup was one a key factor (among others) that propelled my move to Chicago.  So if nothing else, I can thank him for that.  I was 25 when I moved here.  Again, if I could do it all over, I would have dated more at that age, too.  I moved here having just gotten out of a relationship and wanted to start my life fresh.  I wanted to focus on me.  And I'm sure that was a good thing, but what I would give to be 25 again in the big city!  (The view is much different from 37).  Moving on.  From the ages of 27-31, I had 3 different men for which I felt something.  I won't be naive enough to call it love, but it was certainly something.  There was Jim (I wrote him a letter?!?).  There was Matty (I was certain he was the one).  And finally there was my now Ex.  Now I know that there is no perfect formula or equation for finding love.  I know this.  But I felt it 3 times with 3 different men over the course of 5 years (and then yes, it extended with my then husband...taking us to present day which you all know about).  3 different guys in 5 years.  That's not bad.  If I'm doing the simple math here, then I'd like to think I am getting close to meeting someone new right about now because it had been over a year since I had felt anything for anyone.  I know it's a stretch, but it makes me feel good to look at it this way.  It's entirely possible.  Yup, that's how I'm going to leave this one for now.

296 : Cheers Mate!

Every now and then, when I'm finding myself thinking Why Me? (see post #294), I have to stop for a minute and take a look around.  Specifically, I find myself looking towards my friend, Nikki.  Nikki is probably one of the strongest people I know.  I know this about her, because I've seen her go through significant change over the past decade.  Maybe not the same change as what I've been through- her family has remained in tact and is stronger than ever, but it's still change none the less.  Nikki and her family moved from Detroit (just the two of them at the time) to Louisville (the 2 became 3) to then Chicago (3 + another on the way) back to Detroit (family of 5) and finally most recently to Australia.  I remember sitting on the sidelines observing each and every move, trying to be supportive for my friend.  I hope I truly was, because I'm not sure I had ever had my life uprooted so drastically until the past year.  Every time, though, Nikki seemed to find her way.  It wasn't always easy.  In fact, initially, it was never easy.  What change was easy?  But I was able to see the transformation each time.  It was difficult at first, but over time and with extensive effort, Nikki found her way.  Every time.  I admired how brave she was to start over again and again and again.  She just kept going.  And she always made it look so easy, that I sometimes forgot how hard it really was.  So now she was living in Australia of all places.  This final move was the culmination of everything that I admired about my friend.  Her adventurous spirit.  Her modesty in how hard she worked to make every move a success not only for herself, but for her whole family.  And above all else, her bravery in light of change. You never knew where life would take you.  And yet, my friend Nikki just continued to go along with it, enjoying the ride.  I was working towards living my life like that.  Who better to look to than my friend? Maybe I too would be in Australia a year from now?  (Okay, not likely and not the point.)  It was encouraging, though, to know that everyone had change in their life that they had to face - no matter how big or how small.  I had spent a long time watching my friend make adjustments her life.  I knew from her example, how I wanted to approach adjusting mine, too.  Thank you, Nikki!!!

To follow Nikki's adventures in Australia, visit her blog:
http://familyof5goesdownunder.blogspot.com/

295 : Take a Break from Writing

The snow is falling, the fire is going, the wine is flowing and I have the whole new season of House of Cards.  Enough Said.

294 : Why Me?

I had a lot of conversations with myself these days.  I mean, I interacted with others all day at work and I talked to my mom almost daily, but the person I talked with most these days...was myself.  I hated to admit it, but I still found myself saying at times, Why Me?  The question didn't come from an emotional place, but was just a legitimate question.  Why in the world did this happen to me?  It rose to the surface when I was attempting to get out the door and both of my boys were fighting over me to zip their jackets.  Or when I was trying to get dinner ready, while also tackling a chore that needed to get done simultaneously.  And I won't even go into dealing with a sick child, but the question came then as well.  Oh how different my life would have been were I to have a partner along for the ride.  I wasn't not talking about my Ex either, I was just talking about a partner in general.  Why Me?  As much as I had accepted what had happened, and was doing my best to move forward, the question still lingered from time to time.  And I tried not to sit with it for too long or else I would start to go to that emotional, feeling sorry for myself place that I visited on occasion.  The only thing that comforted me when that question came up was the belief that the "reason" was still out there and it would make itself known eventually.  I couldn't say when.  I couldn't say how. But I did believe that someday I would look back and say That's Why.  I had never been a very patient person.  I wanted to know how it all would work out.  There was no way of knowing, though, so I just had to sit back, relax and trust that it would indeed work out just as it should.

293 : Reflection

I was thinking about Valentine's Day the other night and where I was in my life at that moment.  I knew time was irrelevant but it had been a over a year since my husband abandoned me and I was still not dating.  I continued to say to as many times as possible- admittedly to remind myself- I was ready to meet someone new.  I was ready to date.  I wanted to find someone.  I wasn't in any way consciously holding myself back.  But was I truly trying to put myself out there?  Was I really available?  Honestly, I felt strongly that I was over my Ex.  I had believed him to be someone that he was not.  Or perhaps he had been that person at one time, but he changed.  When I saw him, I felt like he was a stranger.  Like someone I had never even known.  But I realized that I was very much still hurt and afraid of the act.  I was abandoned.  By the person that I trusted the most in my life.  I was terrified that this act would occur again.  Being dumped or rejected felt far less severe than being abandoned.  How could I ever believe that this wouldn't happen again?  How would I ever be able to open my heart again?  I didn't realize I was sad but the tears were there before I knew it.  And with a big exhale I felt a release far greater than I had expected.  I was still so completely hurt by the act.  Not so much the person, but the betrayal.  Because of this I had held myself back.  Not intentionally, but I had.  I was scared.  How could I ever feel confident about any man again?  And finally, how did I not realize I felt this way until this very moment?  I did not want my past to interfere with my ability to have a happy future.  I knew that.  I had no idea, though, how to ensure that.  But I had identified it!  That was a start.

292 : All You Need is Love : Part 2

Just in case, the post Valentine's Day hangover left me feeling the tiniest bit down, I took an insurance policy out in the simplest form available: a cookie.

291 : All You Need is Love

Love is a very funny thing.  It can fill you up.  It can beat you down.  It can conquer all (or so they say).  I no longer felt love of any sort for my Ex.  Yet somehow, my heart was still bursting full.  Not every moment of every single day, but most days, and especially on my good days- I felt my heart was full of love.  The main reason for this?  Or should I say the two main reasons for this?  My sons.  They somehow had moved in and filled that void that can been created in my heart.  I just adored them.  They were so cute.  Funny.  Innocent.  I knew that they were the reason that many days I felt happy...thankful...content.  While I wanted to meet someone new for myself, there was nothing motivating me to do so.  Because someone already had my heart- and for now that felt like enough.  It's not that I wasn't ready- that wasn't the case.  I think it was more that I didn't feel the need at the moment.  Was this a bad thing?  Longterm, probably yes.  But for now, and especially on Valentine's Day of all days, it was enough and I was going to enjoy that.

290 : A Gift

Last night was supposed to be my Ex's night with our boys.  Every Wednesday, he would come to the apartment and I had a couple hours of freedom to do whatever I needed.  But early that morning, he texted me there had been a situation at work.  He was unsure if he would be able to make it.  He wanted to give me ample notice.  I appreciated this, as even though it was the day of, the circumstance was not his direct fault and notifying me as soon as he learned of it was improvement.  Perhaps a few months ago, I would've been furious at this situation because should I have a work problem pop up, I would just have to figure it out.  I was responsible for our kids at all times by default and it felt like he was not.  But last night for some reason, I almost felt relieved that he had to cancel.  It was cold outside and all I wanted to do after work was go home, put on my comfy pants and cuddle with my favorite 2 little men in the world.  I wanted to listen to my youngest son giggle at all the right parts of Despicable Me 2, our new family favorite (not that we watched the entire movie every night- just a couple key scenes that the boys liked).  I also wanted to have my oldest ask me how my day was, a new habit he had started as of late.  For some reason, it always seemed the nights that I was free to go, were the nights that I longed to be home.  So last night, I was thankful that the cancellation from him was such a gift for me.

289 : I'm Trapped by the Panic in my Head

Last week, my son came home from pre school with a registration folder for the following year.  Now, I'm a planner, don't get me wrong.  But it was February.  I was still very uncertain of what I would be doing next year.  I knew that I wanted to stay in Chicago.  I had hoped to find an affordable house in the suburbs.  At first I was thinking I would rent, but as I researched I learned that rent prices were through the roof and sale prices were slightly more within reach. Okay, so now buying a house was on the table.  My lease went until August, but truthfully I would have to figure something out long before then because I wanted my kids to be settled in time for school in the fall.  Normally, when I began to feel the panic of what was next, I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself I had time.  This time, however, seemed different.  Perhaps because I knew that change was inevitable here and I was very unsure of what that change looked like.  There were a lot of things going through my head at rapid speed- what was best for me personally, what was best for me professionally and what was best for my kids immediately.  I sat down at my computer and jokingly typed into google, "where are i supposed to be"?  Much to my surprise, a web site popped up as the top item of my search results that I immediately had to check out.  The site was positivelypositive.com and the title of this particular post was You Are Exactly Where You’re Supposed To Be by Bethany Butzer, PH.D.  The article talked about how the author brought herself out of this future focused perspective by remembering 2 things:
1.  How far she had come
2.  The perfection of her current circumstances (even when the present moment felt difficult)

1.  Okay, I could do this.  Let's pause for a moment to reflect on how far I had come in the past year.  My goodness, I had emotionally survived a divorce and was still getting out of bed each and every day.  I was more than just surviving these days, I was thriving in my new life. I had proven to myself that time truly did heal all wounds and life would go on.  

And 2.  My current circumstances...well, I hadn't made any big moves (besides the divorce itself) in the past year, and now I was ready for a change.  I was choosing this change versus being forced into it and I was fortunate that was the case.  And I had time.  I was nervous because I couldn't visualize what was next, but I was conscious of that and looking into things earlier than I needed to so that I could get prepared.  Bottom line, though, I had time.  Okay...it worked.  I was able to dial back the panic and refocus on where I was at that moment.  I would have to remember this exercise moving forward as I was sure this wouldn't be the last time it happened.  

288 : The Tiniest Gentleman I Know

As I've touched on in previous posts, I have often worried that my divorce was going to impact my boys in a negative way.  I worried they would grow up to have more problems as a result of it.  I worried they would not be good communicators.  I worried they would feel insecure or have doubts about how loved they were.  I did the best I could to raise them, but I'm not going to lie, I still worried from time to time.  It's not like anything had happened to make me worry, I just felt like perhaps I had failed them by getting a divorce (not that it was my choice!)  Still, I felt it.  It wasn't keeping me up at night and I was still enjoying my time with them, but that fear was always there somewhere, in the back of my head.  And then the other night, the sweetest, most loving gesture occurred.  I was putting my boys to bed and my youngest wanted water.  I asked my oldest if he too wanted water and he said no.  So, I carried my youngest out to the kitchen on my hip and started to get the sippy cup out of the drawer.  That's when it happened.  My oldest came out after me and said:

I'll get it, Mom.  Your hands are full.

No, I am not making this up.  He really saw that I did indeed have my hands full with his younger brother and stepped in to help.  Was he just wanting to assert himself more now that he knew how to do things?  Did he recognize how much I was doing all by myself?  I wasn't sure.  And to be honest, it didn't really matter.  At age 3, he was already identifying how he could help.  He had a heart of gold.  Why in the world was I worried?  My boys would be fine.  They would be better than fine.  They would be great.

287 : New Couch

I got a new couch yesterday.  It wasn't brand new, but it was pretty close.  My friend at work had friends who owned this "really nice" couch but for some reason, they decided after a very short time to upgrade.  They just wanted their old couch out of there, so my friend at work offered it to me at no cost.  All I had to do was pick it up.  So, I did a few laps around the floor at work and in no time, I had recruited a couple guys to help.  Now, I wasn't in the market for a new couch.  But I saw a picture of it, and I just figured, why not?  I still had my Ex's chairs in our apartment and this was the perfect excuse to get them out.  I was so over my place.  I know, I had begged my landlord to let me stay there (see post #63) and I still think that was the right move at the time.  Still, now that more time had passed, I felt more adjusted in my newly single life and I was ready for a clean slate.  I started with my bedroom (see post #256).  I had no plans to invest in anything else with the rest of my home until I moved, but then this offer came to me and well you see where I'm going with this.  It was more than just a couch for me.  It was yet another opportunity to start fresh in my life- specifically in this case, in my home.  I liked the idea of having new and different things than when I was married.  It helped to make me feel more excited and comfortable about the changes in my life.  And I changed my son's diaper on it just a few hours after getting it, so it was officially mine.  Yippy!

286 : Wise Words from my Mom

My mom had a saying that she had used with me many times in regards to parenthood.

Just when you think you can't stand it anymore, it changes.

She had used this phrase with me when my first son was an infant.  He wasn't sleeping through the night yet and I was exclusively nursing and EXHAUSTED.  And sure enough, right when I thought I couldn't take one more night of it, he slept through the night.  He didn't sleep perfectly every night from there on out, but it was enough to make me believe.  I know the phrase was used again with me after my second son was born, although given all the changes in my life at that time, I can't remember the circumstance specifically.  Then, there was last Sunday.  Yes, last Sunday, I thought I was going to lose it. My kids were bad.  Both of them.  Very, very bad.  They got into the fireplace (twice) and threw all the rocks in there on the carpet.  Timeout #1 of the day.  They threw their pasta dinner all over the ground thinking it was hilarious.  Timeout #2.  And finally, while brushing their teeth that night, my oldest grabbed some scissors and cut (yes, CUT!) his younger brother's hair.  I was so furious, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry.  They must have felt the wrath, too because they both went to bed immediately that night without any hesitation.  So now, one week later, I feel as though I must acknowledge the wise words of my mom again, after enjoying a very pleasant day with my kids.  This morning we started our day at a leisurely 7:30.  The boys played nicely together while I made breakfast and tidied up around the house.  Now they were still 1 and 3 - that would not change.  But our day was fun with no major meltdowns.  We had a birthday party in the afternoon and when we got home they went right to bed.  A week ago, I thought I couldn't stand one more minute of it.  And then it changed.  I was smart enough to know today could have just been a pure coincidence, but nonetheless, I would take it.

285 : Stop to Enjoy the Little Things

I barely have any space to sleep tonight because there are two boys in my bed.  Two boys!  In my bed!  It's my fault - I allowed it to happen.  So, even though I am tired and wish I had a little more space in my own bed, I can still stop to appreciate how cute they are.  Especially when they are sleeping!!!

284 : Restart

Yesterday, I had a couple unsuccessful conversations at work.  I won't own the failure outright, but I know I was a participant so I have to admit I could be partly at fault.  I wasn't sure if it was my approach, or just the topic in general, but what I had hoped to be productive had gone wrong.  Terribly wrong in one instance.  My job forced such difficult conversations on a regular basis and my batting average wasn't always over 500 (is that the correct analogy?)  But for some reason, I was feeling overly sensitive that day, so the professional struggles began to wear on me more personally than usual.  It had started at my son's school that morning (see post #283) and it just set me off in the wrong direction for the day.  The failed conversations at work made me start to think about my personal life and more specifically my failed marriage.  I had never even realized, prior to my Ex telling me, that there was a problem with our marriage.  What in the world did that say about me?  I thought I was a good communicator but perhaps I was more flawed in this area than I even realized?  Since I knew I was slightly off that day, I decided to go to yoga instead of dissecting myself any further.  For 90 minutes, I focused on my breath and stretched and sweated all that negative energy out of my body.  And when I left, I felt renewed in the best kind of way possible.  I knew I wasn't perfect.  But I wouldn't question my role again in what happened with our marriage because I didn't deserve that judgement.  I had been honest and open and approached everything with good intention.  And the same applied at work.  I didn't play games.  I wasn't into politics.  I was direct, but I genuinely cared about people and I was out to accomplish things for the betterment of everyone.  Okay, I was sarcastic as all hell, too but come on- that wasn't going anywhere.  I felt thankful that I was able to recenter myself so quickly and I slept soundly that night knowing that tomorrow was a new day.

283 : My Single Mom Insecurity

The other morning, my oldest son had a 'donuts with grownups' get together at his school.  I never directly mentioned this to my Ex, although I did leave the invitation from school on the counter for him to see when he was with the boys.  He also received the school emails to inform him of what was going on.  We never spoke of it, though.  So when the morning arrived, it was just my son and I that attended.  We went to school as per our normal routine.  But that day, I would be sticking around for a while.  The other students and parents began to funnel into the classroom.  I knew most of the kids in the class by name and many of the parentsI recognized but I didn't know any of them well. I felt a little insecure in this setting.  I found that every event that I tried to participate in with my son's school (which admittedly was not many) I was a little nervous.  I wasn't really friends with any of the other parents and I didn't have a partner with me for support.  I wasn't making a huge effort to engage with the school either.  Perhaps that was my fault, but I didn't think I'd be back there next year (not sure yet where I'd be) so I wasn't really investing in meeting people there.  It was apparent, though that other people were investing and getting to know each other.  I don't think anyone was looking at me with judgement but I still felt insecure about being a single mom during those situations.  It bothered me that my Ex had put not only me in this situation, but also our son.  It felt unfair.  My son wasn't the only child who's father wasn't in the room that morning, but it still bothered me.  I knew that what I was feeling wasn't coming from anyone but myself, but I still felt it.  I was on the outside looking in and I hated it.  That feeling made me want to explain to everyone that not only was I divorced because my Ex had abandoned me but also that my Ex was barely in the picture.  And I'm not sure why I needed that information out to feel comfortable.  I didn't communicate that to anyone, of course.  I just put a smile on my face and tried my best to be present.  These challenges with school were only just beginning.  Hopefully it would get easier, but just the same I made a mental note of another thing I'd need to discuss with my therapist.

282 : Take Back Your Life

Well...the title might be slightly dramatic here, but the point remains the same.  Monday night of this week, I had a big moment.  I filed my taxes.  All by myself.  I know this might seem ridiculous to many as most people have already been doing this for years.  I, however, had not.  I was intimidated at the thought of doing my own taxes when I was younger, so my dad initially did them for me.  And then he did them with me.  But we are talking the old school way here, where you sit down together at the dining room table, use a pencil to fill out the work sheet and then go over the numbers with pen once you determine everything is right.  I eventually advanced to having a friend's boyfriend (now husband) do them for me.  He was an accountant looking for a little extra cash at the time and I graciously paid the money.  From my point of view, it was a win-win!  And then once I met my Ex, he assumed that responsibility.  It was nice because I didn't want to have to worry about them, other than when we were going to do them?  If it had been entirely my choice, I would've completed them the beginning of February every year.  My Ex always claimed he wanted to get them done right away, too, but this never happened.  It usually came down to the last week or two before they were due that he'd get to it.  Well, that in itself was liberating for me this year, in addition to completing the process on my own.  I received my W2 in the mail, and that evening I cranked it out.  Why wait?  I just wanted it done!  And amazingly enough, I was getting a little money back.  I wasn't even sure how, but I was getting a little back for the first time in a couple years.  It was such a relief.  My taxes were done and the refund was on it's way.  Not a bad way to start off February.  Not bad at all.

281 : Don't Stop Trying

The other week, I took my kids to the doctor for my son's 18 month check up (see post #271).  I had been going to the same pediatrician for every appointment since my oldest was 1 week old.  I had seen a different doctor for my first visit to the office (3 days after we brought my oldest home from the hospital.) My milk had not come in yet, and as a result my son had lost a concerning amount of weight in a very short time period.  The doctor's feedback was harsh.  So much so, that I cried during the appointment, the way home and probably the entire rest of the day (if not longer).  It was already such a sensitive time for a new mother, I did not need to be told I was failing already at providing milk for my son.  I had to return a few days later for a follow up appointment and that was when I met my current Doctor.  She was informative, yet supportive and encouraging all at the same time.  I loved her immediately and we had been seeing her ever since.  Last year, I told her about what was happening at home and asked if she had any advice for how to handle things with the kids?  I was worried they would have problems as a result of our divorce.  I was worried they would be insecure or feel less loved.  She reassured me this was not the case just from her observations of me as a mother.  I think that's what I liked about her most.  She was professional and gave me all the medical information I needed, but her approach was conversational.  She made me feel comfortable.  Most recently, at the appointment the other week, I asked my Doctor if she had any ideas for how I could get my kids to eat healthier?  Her response was Don't Stop Trying.  Just because they refused something 1, 2, 3, 4, or even 5 times...don't stop trying.  I appreciated the simplicity of her advice and realized how this applied to all aspects of parenthood.  And then the more I thought about it, I began to see how this also was true of life overall.  To me, it was almost a more positive message than Don't Give Up.  Just don't stop trying.  I sat with this for a little while and then recognized these words almost as the mantra for what had been the past year.  My divorce had made me rethink everything - and I mean everything in my life.  But I was still trying.  I was trying to learn how to be a single parent.  I was trying to be present with my kids.  I was trying to be a good mom.  I was trying to be better at work.  I was trying to be there for my friends and family.  I was trying to be happy.  And the most amazing thing I all...I was.  Not every minute of every day, but I was for the most part, happy.  Perhaps the name of this blog should've been don't stop listening, because it was interesting how the tiniest bit of advice could lend such a deep insight into my world overall.  I would keep trying to get my kids to eat their vegetables and I would keep trying to find my place.

280 : Talk in Circles

Every morning, I wake up and read my blog first thing.  I know, I'm the author.  But there is something different about proofing your work the night before and then reading the final product.  I like to make sure that the feeling I was trying to capture is indeed felt in the post.  Sometimes I high five myself (metaphorically) because I feel like I nailed it.  And sometimes I overanalyze it.  At times I even go back and tweak.  I'm providing this context now, because when I read my post yesterday morning (see post #279) I started to see things in a slightly different light.  The whole point of my blog from the start was to help me feel like myself again.  The old me, but the new me.  So bare with me for a minute, while I allow myself to talk in circles.  I am proud of myself in that I've grown comfortable being by myself again.  It's a process for anyone to adjust to after being in a relationship.  I'm lucky because I have two boys in my life who immediately filled the void that my Ex left in my heart.  They made (and make!) me feel complete.  This is a good thing.  However, I don't want this to be the only thing I am.  I am self aware enough to know that I don't want to put that pressure on my kids- I don't want them to be my only source of happiness because long term that is not healthy for any of us. And I know that I want to meet someone else.  I'm ready, too.  I'm not hung up on what happened to me, I don't miss my Ex and I'm ready to move on with my life.  The problem is, though, that I don't feel anything for anyone I meet.  I mean, I literally don't feel anything.  It's not like I've been around that many guys, but every man I've had the opportunity to hang out with- however formal or casual- I feel nothing for.  Oh what I would give to just feel excited about someone.  Is it just that I haven't met 'the right' person yet because I don't want to be content being alone forever.  That would be bad.  But then again, I guess it's good that while I am alone I'm content.  So, somehow I need to keep that balance.  Does this make any sense?

279 : Plan a Date with Yourself

Yesterday was a complete success.  I got through the day (a blizzard, too!) with two toddlers all by myself.  I will say that again, all by myself!  We went to get haircuts first thing in the morning.  And then we went to my 3 year olds new sports class.  Of course my 18 month old insisted on participating, so I spent the hour toggling between the two of them which was a work out for me.  I knew lunch would be tricky since the class ended at 11:30 and they would both be starving the second we walked in the door, which is why I prepped everything that morning before we left.  After lunch, I got my youngest in bed for his nap and my oldest and I watched Despicable Me 2 (or at least we rented it- we both fell asleep).  We all woke up at 4:30 and since I had no food in the house- or milk for that matter- we went to the grocery store.  I scored the race car cart and then bobbed and weaved down the aisles amidst the chaos of both boys.  Thank god for samples.  (Which, by the way- turns out my kids love spinach dip.  Who would've guessed?)  We got home, got everything in the house, put groceries away, made dinner, ate dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got them both to bed (we'd do baths tomorrow) and as though it were magic, they were both out.  That's when my date began.  My date with myself.  I poured a large glass of red wine.  I made mussels with tomatoes, white wine and of course, garlic.  I cut some crusty bread for dipping.  I made a fire.  And I sat down to enjoy it.  All by myself.  And the best part about it?  I was completely content.  Happy in fact.  I had made it through the day with my kids.  Happily.  All by myself.  That was worth a toast.

278 : A Revelation

I'm a little buzzed tonight after a couple small pours of red wine.  And suddenly a thought just occurred to me.   It was all about the money.  It was always just about the money.  Surely this is a movie title in the making, right?  Or in the very least a lifetime sunday afternoon movie starring Kristen Wiig as me.  I know-Kristen Wiig is way too cool to be in a Lifetime sunday afternoon movie these days- you're missing the point.  It was always about the money.  When I met my Ex, he had a lot of money in the bank.  I won't go into specifics but I will say I was impressed with his savings.  And he was very forthright about it.  He shared his financial position with me in a detailed manner quite early.  I realize now that this made me feel connected to him early on.  Not that he had the money, but because he wanted to share this information with me.  And then he wanted to become a trader.  He toyed around with his personal savings, became slightly overzealous and had some misfortune.  Again, the amount is not important, but it was noticed.  I encouraged him to change into that field professionally and he tried.  He worked through 3 different trading jobs over the next year or so and eventually decided to throw in the towel.  I know this was difficult for him because he repeatedly suggested he had failed in that industry and he didn't use the word fail.  I thought that even though that time was challenging for us as a couple, we had made it through it and had grown closer as a result of it.  I see very clearly now, that the 'failure' he felt, would eventually destroy us.  I think he couldn't recover from that failure. I think he couldn't be the same person in the relationship with me because that failure changed him permanently.  I'm not justifying what he did or how he handled ending our marriage.  This isn't the first time I've recognized the financial flaw in our relationship.  And I haven't been trying to justify what happened for a long time now but suddenly this just became crystal clear for me right at this moment.  The time that has passed since being together has taught me so much about myself and propelled me forward in a new direction I never knew existed.  For that I am thankful.  But there is something that makes me feel better about this specific insight.  It wasn't me (not that I've thought it was for a long time now but...)  it was the money.  I think that provides some clarity in my head.  I can go back now to enjoying my wine.