216 : Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

There is one thing for certain that I have learned through divorce.  The more I am away from my kids, the more I love them.  It sounds crazy, because the more I am with them, the more I love them, too.  But it's true, distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I never would've chosen chosen divorce and to see my kids every other weekend, but things happen.  And during this time, I have learned somewhat how to make the most of that.  As a mom, I needed a break from time to time.  I needed it to be about me.  Not always.  And not even often.  Just every now and then, I needed to be something more than just a mom.  I was forced to give up my kids every other weekend.  I could have wallowed in this loss, or I could embrace it.  And I chose the latter.  Because of this, I was able to spend time with friends.  I was able to relish in time for myself.  This past weekend in particular, I was able to enjoy some quality time with my brother and his family.  I got to get get to know my nephew and witness my brother as a father, which was truly adorable.  I missed my kids every moment I was away from them, but I could enjoy the time even more because I knew that when we were back together again, I would appreciate them all the more.  It wasn't always easy, but I was thankful it was getting easier each day.

215 : It's Only Friday...

One of the best things about holidays was the long weekend.  I could sleep in today and I probably would.  In fact, I'm most likely sleeping right now as you are reading this.  It would be just another beautiful day in southern California and I was excited to spend it with my brother, his wife, their dog and KINGSTON!!!!

214 : Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up yesterday morning feeling good and ready to make my Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. I had expected to feel emotional.  I would be leaving my boys that afternoon and this would be the longest we’d be away from each other since the divorce (and probably ever.)  But for some reason, I felt just fine.  My mom had even asked me how the boys were doing knowing I’d be apart from them for Thanksgiving?  Well, the truth was, even at their young age they had gotten somewhat accustomed to the trade off my Ex and I now had to abide by.  I’m not even sure that they knew it was Thanksgiving?  But I did.  It was just a few hours later that we said our goodbyes, exchanged kisses and then off I went, with my pie, to the airport.  Again, no tears.  No feelings of sadness.  What was wrong with me?  At the airport, I watched a young family make their way through security and smiled to myself that had been me (us) many times before.  Yet, I didn’t feel emotional in witnessing it. I made my way to the gate and eventually boarded.  Just me and my pie.  I missed my children, of course, but I felt okay…almost content.  I knew that the worst of it was behind me.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?  Well amen to that sister! I had proven that time and time again in the past year.  I was certainly stronger.  I had been betrayed and hurt beyond words and put myself back together as a stronger, more solid package.  So on this Thanksgiving day, what was I the most thankful for?   More than I could even express.  My Children.  My Parents.  My Family.  My Friends.  My Nanny.  I was thankful to my brother and his family for taking me into their home on this lovely holiday.  I was thankful my health allowed me to complete the Run for the Hungry 10K that morning.  I was thankful my head and my heart were not only healing, but they were sound.  I was thankful I had spoken my truth (see post #207) and I could look myself in the mirror with no shame or regret.  I was thankful that my beautiful pumpkin pie had traveled safely from Chicago to San Diego without flaw.  I was thankful I still had the ability to believe in love and the confidence that my future was bright.  Uncertain, maybe but bright just the same.  It may have sounded a little ‘academy awards’-esque but it was all true.  I had quite a bit to be thankful for on this day.  Okay, now it was time for that pie.

213 : Get Away

Okay, so here we were just 1 day away from Thanksgiving and I was ready.  That is, as ready as I would ever be to spend the holiday apart from my kids.  Their dad would be picking them up later that afternoon and I would be making my way to San Diego.  I suppose if I wasn't going to be with my kids, San Diego was probably the next best thing.  I'd be spending the holiday with my brother, his wife, their dog and the cutest little baby boy in the area: Kingston.  This was one thing I had gotten very good at in the past year.  I'd learned to identify far in advance situations that would be difficult for me and course correct before getting there.  Just a year ago for Thanksgiving I had been with my family in Michigan (see post #211).  I knew I could go there again, but I wasn't quite ready to face everyone on this day alone.  It's not like people didn't know what had happened with me, but I just didn't want to have to live through it just yet.  I'd at least prefer to have my children there as buffers if need be.  So instead of feeling uncomfortable in my 'normal' setting, I chose to do something entirely different.  The change of atmosphere would no doubt be just the environment I needed to get through the holiday.  And the company would be, well,  just perfect.  I was very much looking forward to my trip and making my way through my first major holiday post divorce.

212: Show Your Gratitude

This year would be the first Thanksgiving that I would not be with my children.  As part of the divorce, we had to split holidays moving forward.  I had insisted on Christmas for the first year knowing that one would be the most difficult for me.  I still feel that was the best decision, but no matter what it was going to be different this year.  My kids would be with their dad at his parents house.  I always felt thankful and relieved when I knew my kids were with their grandparents.  It's not that I didn't think they were safe with my Ex, because I knew they were.  I had peace of mind in knowing they had that other person who was going above and beyond: his mother.  Yes, I knew undoubtedly my former mother in law genuinely loved my kids.  She always reached out to me to ask questions or send updates or pictures when the boys were with her.  She fully acknowledged and respected I was the mother.  I appreciated that.  And even though she never said as much, I believe there was a part of her that felt she had to do more to make up for her son.  It would never be admitted and that was fine.  I saw it.  I hadn't fully figured out how to navigate my relationship with my former mother in law yet.  Things were certainly different now yet we shared one priority that was very high for both of us.  My children.  Knowing my kids would be with her on Thanksgiving this year, I wanted to send along a little something to thank her for everything she had done for them over the past year.  I chose a small autumn scented candle.  It wasn't a big gift at all.  But I knew she would appreciate the gesture.  We had many years of interactions ahead of us and I could only hope they would continue to be pleasant.  But for now, I would just be grateful for where we were today.

211 : What a difference a year can make

I've had a couple friends reach out to me in the past week and ask me how I am doing.  Like, how am I really doing?  And my answer for some reason remains the same.  I am actually good.  Perhaps if I look back as to where I was just one short (or long!) year ago, it will be made even a little more clear as to why I feel this way.  Last year for Thanksgiving, our family of 4 (myself, my husband at the time, our 2 year old and our 4 month old baby) went to Michigan to spend the weekend with my family.  We had agreed to rotate holidays, so my family would get us for Thanksgiving and then my inlaws would have us for Christmas.  And the following year it would flip.  I remember very vividly that my then husband, now Ex was rather tense that weekend.  He seemed extra cranky and irritable.  I assumed this was related to work.  He had enormous pressure on him because he was just within reach of hitting his first sales contest.  This was going to be a significant win for our family if he reached this goal.  Of course there would be a large financial benefit to him achieving this, but also, I felt professionally my then husband now Ex needed this validation.  He had been a career changer who was desperate to succeed.  I did everything I could to support him during this time, so I felt that his win was truly our win.  I remember specifically though, on Thanksgiving, he was in a particularly foul mood.  On Thanksgiving.  The day where you have nothing to do but sleep in, watch football and eat.  I told him I really wanted to get a picture of our family that day.  Anyone who has been following my blog knows that I loved pictures.  So, would it seem like that was a big thing to ask your partner for?  Just to pose and smile?  Well, he was damn near furious at this request.  And as my parents were taking the actual shot and our kids were squirming and crying, he turned to me and under his breath said:

I'm going to murder you.

Yes.  That is what my then husband, now Ex said to me on Thanksgiving of all days.  To be clear, this was not how my then husband, now Ex typically treated me.  He did have a tendency to fly off the handle a little, but not to that degree. I would not have married someone who spoke to me in such a way.  I knew he had been stressed.  I knew he was allergic to my parents cat and couldn't breath when he was at their house and then he had to take medicine which made him cranky and drowsy.  I knew what was on the line at work and how he wanted to provide for our family.  But come on.  I'm going to murder you?  I pulled him aside and asked him what was wrong.  I felt hurt that he would speak to me in such a way on Thanksgiving of all days.  I was his wife.  What was his problem?  And he apologized.  He used all the reasons I have already mentioned as to why his fuse was extra short that day. It was the very following week that he told me officially he was unhappy in our marriage.
So coming back to present day.  You may wonder, how am I doing.  How am I really doing?  Well, I think about that moment just a year ago and how that was the person I was with.  I didn't deserve that.  And he didn't deserve me.  I had been through a lot in the past year.  A LOT.  But I could say whole heartedly, as Thanksgiving drew closer, I had so very much to be thankful for.

210 : Make the Most of when you Host

I invited a couple friends from work to come over for breakfast this weekend.  It was kind of last minute but I was very much looking forward to it.  I had my boys, so we would all probably just be hanging out while the boys ran around us in their pjs.  These girls were sweet, they knew my kids and they would both make our Sunday morning more fun.  I wasn't planning to do anything too fancy, but then I realized I had some champagne I could chill.  Mimosas always tasted good, right?  Just in case.  I had planned my menu the day before.  Broccoli Cheddar Quiche (on Grandma Lalley's crust, of course!) fresh fruit and...well...bacon.  I picked up a couple ingredients with my boys that afternoon and prepped the filling while my youngest napped.  I had a show on for my oldest, so I was actually able to work in the kitchen and not be interrupted.  Cooking was so therapeutic for me, I had started to crave the act of it even more than the end product.  My youngest woke up and the three of us enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.  Once I got the boys in bed, I had to make my crust.  I rolled out my dough and got it perfectly into the dish on the second attempt.  Yes!  And then since I had some extra dough left, I made leaves to line the border of the crust.  It was beautiful and I was now feeling inspired.  I had just recently purchased a new table runner so I found my white table cloth and layered the runner on top.  Now I just needed a center piece.  I know it was just my friends.  I didn't need this to be fancy.  My boys would probably destroy the table before the girls even got here.  But I was enjoying pulling this all together.  I was such a creative person by nature, and life often seemed too busy for creativity.  I found a candle, a small hurricane vase and used some coffee beans to hold the candle in place.  Okay so a white/cream candle would have looked better, but this was still pretty cute.  Not bad for throwing this all together.  Not bad.  I was ready for brunch.

209 : I think this is what they call Closure

In the past week there had been a lot of discoveries.  My Ex now had a girlfriend.  My Ex was now living with said girlfriend.  The girlfriend was a former colleague of my Ex.  When I spoke with my Ex the other day (see post #207), he strongly denied any type of infidelity during our marriage.  As the mother of our children, I will abstain from commenting on that.  I knew, however, what others would think in hearing this and I didn't blame them.  Most importantly though, I wasn't sure it even mattered anymore.  I had been moving on for months.  I was in a different place.  Still, I couldn't express enough how incredibly good I felt having learned all this information.  Sounds crazy, right?  I should've been upset.  I should've been hurt.  I should've been angry.  And I'm not going to say those emotions didn't momentarily pass through me (see post #206) but that was the thing- they had passed almost immediately.  I think it wasn't so much the information I had learned, but the way in which I addressed my Ex. I had spent a week having anxiety about discussing this with my him knowing he might have a less than pleasant reaction.  But we had completed our conversation to my satisfaction.  I even felt like I had the upper hand.  He left the conversation somewhat spinning and I left it feeling free.  It was almost like closure.  It's funny how you spend so much time wanting something and then once you get it,  you realize you no longer need it.  So long!

208 : Be Heard

A few months ago, I received an email from the Neighborhood Parent Network 'calling all writers'.  They were requesting article contributions for their upcoming newsletter and invited all writers to share their stories.  In the past, this email probably would've ended up in my trash, but as someone who had recently discovered their passion for writing, I saw this as an opportunity.  I thumbed threw my blog and identified a post that I thought would be appropriate to share - both as a writer and a parent.  I submitted it within a couple days- feeling instantly nervous at both options of the article actually getting picked or being passed over.  They followed up with me after receiving my submission and asked for a picture and a small bio.  Again, both of which I had from my blog.  I still wasn't sure if my article had been selected, but they wanted all the information in their hands while they reviewed everything.  It would be a while before any decisions were made, so naturally after sending in my work, I moved on.  Time passed.  A couple days.  A week.  A month.  Almost 3 months.  The submission had completely fallen off my radar.  And then suddenly one day, I received an email notifying me that my contribution would be included in their next publication the beginning of January.  I was ecstatic!  I had been heard!  I felt so validated!  People (besides just my family and friends) might actually read what I was writing.  Oh my god.  PEOPLE (BESIDES JUST MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS) MIGHT ACTUALLY READ WHAT I WAS WRITING!  I suddenly felt very nervous.  But in a good way.  I definitely had a voice and had found a way to express myself. I was thankful at the opportunity to share it even further.

207 : Speak Your Truth

As I posted 2 days ago (see post #205) I recently had learned some interesting information regarding my Ex.  1.  He now had a girlfriend.  AND  2.  They were living together. This had not been communicated to me in advance, but rather was mentioned by my 3 year old son.  Not cool.  I took a couple days and 1 therapy appointment to process how I felt about this.  Additionally, I did a google search and learned with very little effort that said girlfriend was also a former colleague of my now Ex husband.  Well there you go.  I'm sure everyone will draw their own conclusions on this one and that is fair.  I still wasn't sure what I believed here but most importantly, I don't think it mattered any more.  Yes, I had questions about this girl - especially in learning she was a former colleague.  But I had moved so far forward, I wouldn't allow myself to go there.   Instead, I spent my time crafting my conversation with my Ex.  It was scheduled to be an in person conversation, but he wasn't feeling well, we ended up talking over the phone.  I told him I knew he was living with this girl.  I told him I knew that she had worked with him previously.  I told him this obviously raised A LOT of questions for me.  And then I told him I was not going to ask any of those questions, because it no longer mattered.  All I cared about was how this was related to our kids.  I felt disrespected as the mother of his kids that he would share a home with someone, and bring our kids into that home and not feel like this was something he needed to share with me.  I did not need to know when they met,  how long they had been together.  I didn't even care to meet her.  I did, however, want to know who would be entering my kids lives on a more regular basis and I felt like when they became roommates, that was what crossed the line.  My feelings were not immediately understood and there was a lot more explaining on the other end than what I had asked for or needed.  I reminded him of this.  You don't have to explain that to me. I only care about what you do as it relates to my children.  I made it clear to not use the word "hurt" or "angry" in describing myself, because he didn't deserve that much.  I only felt disrespected.  After much, MUCH conversation he apologized for making me feel as such and agreed to be forthright with things moving forward.  After we got off the phone, I received the longest (and strangest) text from him.  He thanked me for our conversation, but then went on to tell me how he did not want me talking to his family about this because even though they knew what was going on, they didn't know I knew.  Uh, ok.  And then he said that he wouldn't be telling the new girlfriend that I knew what was going on because she was already worried about he and I finding our balance as parents.  Okay, this actually made me laugh.  I responded that I felt honesty was the best way to communicate but that was up to him.  I didn't have to worry about him anymore.  It was someone else's problem.  I was oh so very free!!!!!!!

206 : One Last Cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry


-Brian McKnight

Bravata and I used to listen to this song it college when it came out sometime in the late 90's. Bravata was always very in tune with lyrics and I usually knew the words so I could sing the song but didn't always process the meaning. Yesterday, though, I was driving into work and on the phone with my mom. I was recapping with her what I had recently learned about my Ex husband having a girlfriend and my theory that they were now living together (see post #205). I continued on to tell her how I was actually okay (and I was!). I wasn't uncomfortable speaking my truth after what I had been through in the past year. I wasn't just trying to be strong. As I stated yesterday (again, see post #205) I wasn't as upset as one would expect in this situation. My mom reminded me how wonderful I was just as she always did and we got off the phone as I was pulling into the parking garage. And then for some reason, this song came into my head. One Last Cry. I don't know why at that moment I thought of it, I am certain it had been a decade since I last heard it. I pulled out my phone and within 30 seconds had located it on YouTube. I left my sunglasses on and reclined my seat, playing the song through my phone as loud as it would go. And suddenly as though it was out of a movie scene, I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. This was my last cry. I had cried enough over this person. I deserved better. I knew all of this. I was lighter having him out of my life. But I had been caught slightly off guard by this. As soon as the tears started, it was as though a flood had been opened. I wasn't even sure where it was all coming from. I sobbed throughout the whole song and then repeated it for a second time. The moment was so pure and personal, I even debated about putting it on my blog. I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, I didn't want to acknowledge those final tears. I just had to let them out so I could let go. It was a new day.

205 : Well, I wasn't expecting THAT...

I found out yesterday that my Ex now had a girlfriend.  How did I find this out you may ask?  Well, it's amazing how 3 year olds can talk.  My oldest son liked to tell me what he was up to all the time.  When he wasn't with me, he wanted me to know what he had been doing.  He mentioned a girls name once a few weeks back and called her 'daddy's friend'.  At the time, I debated about asking my Ex about this person, and decided there was no harm in inquiring.  It was very innocent and my Ex told me she was a friend and he had many friends.  Um, okay.  I didn't think much of it again until this past weekend.  My Ex came to pick up the kids and my oldest asked his dad if they were going to see this friend today.  My Ex was clearly uncomfortable by the question in front of me and curtly told him no.  They left shortly after that and it was agreed upon that I would pick up the boys from my Ex later than evening.  Our exchange that night was amicable and once I had the boys in their car seats we began our ride back home.  I asked my kids how their day was with daddy and my oldest began to walk me through all the fun they had that day.  And then, all of a sudden, he said her name again.  That name.  He said it 2-3 more times.  They had been with my Ex and this other woman all day.  It was obvious that he had a girlfriend.  And then I began to question if they were living together.  It kind of made sense.  He lived in a rather nice building- I wasn't even sure how he could afford that.  I texted him upon getting home and asked directly if he had a new girlfriend and if they were living together.  He acknowledged he did have a new girlfriend, but wouldn't tell me about the living situation.  We texted back and forth a couple times and I very directly asked him again and he refused to answer.  Okay, well I think that gave me my answer.  Now let's back up a second here, I probably should have felt hurt in making this discovery that my Ex had a girlfriend that he was possibly living with, right?  Well, I'm sure if I spent too much time focusing on the fact, dissecting things, I could've gotten there.  But what good would that do?  Why put myself through that? My Ex had left little be desired.  I was almost happy to learn he was dating someone.  Maybe he would be more stable now, happier, and even nicer overall?  This could only be a good thing for my kids.  Still, it bothered me that my Ex would not tell me that he had someone new in his life that was now spending time with our children.  I felt disrespected by this.  It's not like he HAD to tell me anything, but I knew that if it were me, I would've shared this information with him.  I felt I had a right to know who he was bringing around my children.  I also wanted to know who my kids were talking about.  We were not together anymore.  I had accepted that.  I was certainly not expecting to be that disrespected though.  I would have to think about how to address this one.

To be continued...

204 : Go Workout

Back in the day, when I was a young twenty something living in Lincoln Park I was quite religious about working out.  Yup, I had that part figured out.  I may not have been far along in my career, I may not have known what I wanted in a partner yet (Ha!  I obviously still don't know:) but I knew the importance of working out as it related to my mental health.  It's kind of funny to me when I think about it, that I was so put together and diligent about it at that time in my life because now it was a low, very low priority for me and it seemed as though everything else had risen on the list.  I knew back then, that if I was going to work out at all, I had to go first thing in the morning.  I also knew that motivation was key to the follow through and thankfully I usually had that in my friend Megs.  (Thanks Megs).  Now I was a single parent.  My job was demanding, my children were demanding and my free time was so limited that often the essentials (grocery shopping, etc) trumped any efforts of working out.  So today, it just so happened that my Ex had the boys for the day.  He came to pick them up around 9 and I told myself I would make it to the 10am yoga class.  I sipped my coffee and watched Sunday morning and before I knew it was wasn't going to be ready by 10.  It's okay. I can make the next one.  And then I hopped on my computer and started tooling around looking at God knows what and before I knew it another hour had passed.  The sky was getting dark and rain was coming down with a vengeance.  It would have been so easy to just stay in, but really my time was too precious for that, right?  I forced myself out of the house and made my way to yoga.  The class was amazing - physically and mentally.  I was completely in the zone and before I knew it, the 90 minutes was up.  I was so completely thankful I had made myself go.  When the question is on the table, it's so easy to choose the easier path and stay in.  But you are never going to regret going to work out.  Just the opposite.  Had I stayed in, I probably would've fallen asleep and woken up even more lethargic in time for my children to return.  I knew it was difficult for this to be a priority all the time right now.  I still had a lot on my plate and it was a never ending balancing act.  But when I had the chance, I had to take it.  I was worth it.

203 : Take a Mental Snapshot

It's amazing to me, as a parent, how quickly things can change with your children.  One minute they are driving you crazy.  You bark something at them (if you haven't done this yet- good for you!  But remember you are not the only one when it happens. And it will happen) and then the very next minute, you are enamored by them.  They are these tiny little complicated beings that are equally as frustrating as they are lovable.  And they are completely uncontrollable.  Don't kid yourself into thinking anything else.  (The candy bribe will only get you so far).  I've already noted the importance of spending time with your kids (see post #11 and #53).  It wasn't only spending time with them but actually being present in the moment.  This was something I could remind myself of every single day because there was always room for improvement.  I would find myself cleaning the kitchen.  Or checking my phone.  Or just thinking of work, somewhere else, distant.  I was having lunch with an old friend the other day and she was sharing a story about a good moment in her day that she stopped to note as something she would remember forever.  She was making cookies, and her son came in the house, commented the cookies looked good and then went back out to play.  It was the simplest of exchanges, but it made my friend feel loved, validated, and overall just good at being a mom in that moment.  Now there is no doubt my friend is all of these things, but what I was pleased to hear in this story was that she actually noted that moment as a memory to bank in her mind.  In hearing her story, it was a reminder to me, that there were so many exchanges I had with my children that would never be caught on camera, recorded or witnessed by anyone but us. However, it was these very moments that often meant more to me than anything.  It wasn't until I had a moment like that (after having talked to my friend) that I stopped to take that snapshot to save for my own personal memory bank.  Last night, I was soundly sleeping when my 3 year old came in as per usual.  He knew the drill by now.  We didn't really acknowledge each other, he just climbed in bed with me and we both resumed sleeping.  Hours later, though, my youngest starting crying.  Loudly.  I went in to check on him and brought him some water.  I picked him up to soothe him and he immediately cuddled right into my arms.  I swayed with him for a minute and thought I had him settled, but when I attempted to put him back, he was not having it.  Having experienced this before, I let him cry and went back into my bed certain that he would grow tired and fall back to sleep.  But he didn't.  His cries only got louder and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn't.  So I went to get him again and just as before, he settled into me.  I did exactly what I would encourage everyone else NOT to do, I brought him in bed with me, having another child already sleeping on the other side on the bed.  My youngest went to sleep immediately.  He was comforted just being near me.  I usually don't sleep well in those situations, but I think I was so tired, it didn't matter that I had guests in my bed.  I woke up around 7 and both boys were still asleep.  I could feel them both cuddled into me from each side.  I wanted to save that memory forever.  Click.  And then slowly they started to wake up.  My youngest sat up and saw my oldest and the two just beamed at each other.  It was really quite amazing.  It was another picture that I was taking in my head.  Click.  And then my oldest stretched his arms out and my youngest crawled over me to reach his brother and the two joined in a big embrace.  Click.  Click.  Click.  It was precious.  I knew I'd always remember this moment.  Even when I was old and senile.  I'd remember it for the rest of my life.

202 : My God This Wine is Good

Friday nights were becoming a favorite of mine.  Even if I was spending them alone. Tonight, for instance, I had plans to go to Megs' place with my boys.  My oldest had been resistant to sleepovers as of late, but I was going to attempt it.  Moms are people, too and I needed a date to catch up with my friend.  And then my oldest was sick the night before and had a fever during the day so our plans had to be cancelled.  I was disappointed about it tonight because I had been looking forward to hanging with Megs.  But, I was still appreciative the week had officially ended and I could relax.  I got home from work, played with the boys for a bit and then got them situated for a show.  I ordered some food to be delivered, cracked open a bottle of wine and took in the relief of having successfully made it through another week.  It wasn't too bad getting the boys to bed and I was able to settle in with season 3 of Homeland while sipping my glass of red wine.  It was even better than I thought.  I decided to sit back, relax and take it all in while I could.

201 : It's Not a Competition

I'm writing this blog to myself, because often I forget in the world of parenthood- it's not a competition.  I'm not talking about comparing myself to other parents.  I'm talking about the never ending score keeping between Mom and Dad about who does more.  Even when I was happily married, this happened from time to time.  It always seemed as far as the kids were concerned, that more fell on my plate than on his.  I had accepted that.  In many ways, I had even willingly chosen that, but it was still a point of stress at times.  To be clear, that is not what caused the dissolution of our marriage.  I have happily married friends still today that agree this is a constant area of tension in their relationships.  It was even trickier, though, as divorced parents.  It bothered me that I often felt like my contribution was 95%, and his was only 5%.  Yet he was still allowed to split the holidays with me (my children would be with their father on Thanksgiving this year) and no matter what- we both equally shared the title of their parents.  The other night, I had asked my Ex if he could pick up fresh toothbrushes for the boys.  They had been sick (the youngest really sick) and I wanted to get them brand new toothbrushes.  He agreed he would bring them that night since he was coming to see them.  And I trusted that he would.  They were toothbrushes for crying out loud. The next night when I was putting my kids to bed, I saw that there were not new toothbrushes in the bathroom.  So not only did he not follow through as promised, he didn't let me know he had forgotten so I hadn't picked them up myself.  I was so SO annoyed.  Here I was the one doing everything!  I was the one who had gotten up multiple times in the night just the other day while my youngest threw up.  I changed his pajamas 3 different times.  I changed his sheets 3 different times.  I alone gagged as I washed off far too much vomit for a 1 year old to produce.  I had asked the tiniest thing from my Ex and he had not delivered.  It was infuriating.   But in the end, it really didn't matter.  He would never give them what I gave them.  I don't think he was capable.  That's probably half the reason why he left us.  I needed to just accept this and not get upset about it every time it happened.  Easier said than done, I know.  But I had to try.  He would always be their dad and they would love him.  They were already elated to see their dad at these young ages.  I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad.  They deserved that.  They needed us both and they could love us both.  I would never get the validation from him that I wanted.  The acknowledgment of just how much he had left me with.  So I needed to stop trying to win.  I had the kids 95% of the time.  That was the real win. I would keep my focus in that moving forward.

200 : Order Your Holiday Cards

Okay, so we had seen the first snowflakes of the season this past week, but it wasn't quite holiday season.  Yet.  Still, it seemed like the reminders were coming earlier and earlier every year.  Sale!  Black Friday!  Save!  Whether it was my mailbox, my inbox or my TV - someone was consistently trying to offer up the deal du jour.  And being a newly single mother of two- I had to be more fiscally responsible than ever, so I appreciated the offers.  There were some good ones.  In fact, the other day, I found the best one yet- a great price on my holiday cards.  I've always been into pictures and specifically I've always put a great deal of thought into my holiday card.  I even had a photo album that showcased every year's card just like my grandma had done (see post #79).  I felt particularly torn this year about the card.  We were a different family than we were a year ago.  Most people receiving the card would know this, but for some reason it was very important to me that this be acknowledged in some way in our holiday greeting.  I'm not talking about writing the long letter about what the kids have been up to this year, etc.  I mean no disrespect to anyone who goes that route with their Christmas cards, but that was not my style.  I just meant that visually, I wanted a picture or pictures that were representative of our new family.  Nobody would think twice if I sent something out that was just the boys.  But I had done that last year and so much had changed since then.  I wanted that change acknowledged.  So I found a couple great shots from my recent shoot (see post #151) with the boys (oldest age 3, youngest age 1).  I found a nice layout that would accommodate a few photos and I put the whole thing together.  I knew it wasn't even Thanksgiving yet but the deal was good and the card was ready.  The holiday season was almost upon us which brought us one day closer to the new year.  I was more than ready!

199 : I'm Actually Ok

It was official: Hybernation Season was upon us (see post #174).  Every morning it became harder to get out of bed and every day at 5:00 it felt like it was 10pm.  I'd come home from work, say hello to my kiddos and then instantly retreat to my room to take off my bra and put on comfy pants.  I'm embarrassed to say that this was so much a part of my regular routine that even my 3 year old would come home from school and immediately ask for his "comfy pants".  I suppose there were far worse crimes as a parent.  The weather had recently turned cold.  In fact, we'd actually had our first snowflakes earlier this week.  This was often a tough time of year for people- the seasonal affective disorder would start to settle in.  Our lack of sunlight would induce depression for the happiest of people, which made me worried about how I myself would get through the winter.  My worry though, was premature because in truth I was actually just fine right now.  Yes, I was open to dating again and interested in meeting someone, but I didn't in any way feel consumed by this desire.  In fact, it was almost just the opposite- I felt quite satisfied with my life at the moment.  Now I wasn't sure how long I could sustain that feeling.  And of course I had my occasional break downs when it all felt too heavy.  But at the moment, I felt...well...just fine.  (I had to note this publicly on my blog so that I could go back and be reminded of this at a future date when not feeling as fine).  I still found myself feeling encouraged and supported from a variety of angles.  Friends.  Family.  My colleagues.  Even acquaintances that were familiar with my situation.  There was a girl at work (who I knew well, but never was all that close to socially) who wanted to set me up with one of her boyfriend's friends.  She didn't have anyone particular in mind.  She was just looking out for me and wanted me make sure I was okay with that.  I didn't know if anything would materialize from it, but I took the message: I am going to keep an eye out for you.  Just to know that people were even thinking to help me in such a way, made me feel relaxed, supported and well...ok.  I was still anxious about many things in my life.  Where would I end up living?  Would I be able to afford what I wanted?  But the question of meeting someone, was still not a huge area of concern for me.  I felt content with where I was at the moment and hopeful about the future.  And who needed a guy right now when I had 2 little men already at home?  It felt good to just be.  For now.

198 : Hurry Up and Wait

I had been doing a pretty good job up to this point of taking every day one day at a time.  I was anxious to know what was next but I couldn't solve it all just yet.  I continued to be open minded. I was considering a move out to the suburbs.  I even found a house that I was interested in renting (see post #138) but unfortunately the price wasn't right initially.  It was probably for the best right now.  I was already committed to a lease.  It was nearing the holidays, which was a difficult time to move no matter what was going on in your life.  I would just stay in the city and enjoy being here while I could.  But then one morning I saw that the house- my house- was now listed online as 'for rent' and the price had been lowered.  It was still higher than what I was able to pay, but the price had indeed lowered.  Would this happen again?  Would the owner be able to find a renter during this strange pre-holiday season?  Would it actually work out that he called me up and took me on my original offer?  Any of it could happen.  I wouldn't know for a while.  I would just have to sit back and wait to see.  I hated waiting.  But I had gotten better over the past year.  This was just another opportunity for me to practice.

197 : Just the 3 of Us

I often had people comment to me on how they couldn't believe I was doing this alone.  And by this, I mean raising two little boys all by myself.  How in the world was I doing this?  I often wondered that myself.  It's funny how when you have no choice in the matter, you suddenly seem to find your strength.  I was doing it.  I'm not sure how, but somehow I was doing it.  It doesn't mean it wasn't hard.  Take today for instance.  My boys woke up around 7am.  Since the night before had been a little rocky for all of us sleep wise, I woke up a little more groggy than normal.  My oldest was demanding his show and milk.  And when I didn't respond quick enough (I hadn't even started my coffee yet) he helped himself to the TV and repeatedly asked for milk.  I couldn't even address this before I had my first sip of coffee.   And before I could begin that, my youngest started making his presence known from the bedroom.  He had become increasingly more vocal as of late, so if I was not prompt in getting him, he would get louder.  And louder.  I retrieved him after about a minute and made my way back to the main room.  COFFEE!  I got the show on, milk distributed, breakfast started, coffee brewing and made a plan in my head of how we would tackle the morning.  We would start off with Little Beans (a play cafe in the neighborhood- one of the few that was open on Sundays) and go from there.  I barely finished one cup of coffee and started getting the boys ready to go.  It would take us at least an hour to all three get dressed, use the bathroom, change the diaper, use the bathroom again, pack the bag, you get it.  So the race began.  I wanted to get there right as the place opened at 9 in order to miss the crowds.  We successfully did so and my boys were off and playing before I had even completed paying our admission.  For a good 30 minutes they ran and I just sat, watched and felt thankful that I could relax for a few minutes.  And then as more families began to arrive, I had to be on my feet, watching, assisting, mediating.  After an hour, my oldest insisted he was ready for chocolate milk and I told him if we left to go get that then we were done.  He claimed to understand.  The 3 of us went out to the cafe where I purchased the milks (and begrudgingly 2 apple sauce packs since my youngest opened one from the cooler.)  Then it was another stop to the bathroom for all 3 of us before we left.  I had to go myself, and prevent my youngest from dipping his hands in the other toilets and give my 3 year old 'privacy'.  Hands were washed, I was sweating.  We returned to the cafe entrance where a minor battle took place to get coats and shoes on the both of them and then we made our departure.  Shit.  It was only 11.  I decided to attempt to go grocery shopping next.  It had been a while since I had taken them both (there was an incident back in September) but we were in need of food and killing some time.  I secured the race car shopping cart and got the boys settled in.  Now here is where the real race began.  I knew I only had about 15 minutes before my youngest would start to scream wanting to be free.  I hit every sample station in the store, opened another pack of apple sauces and promised a cookie for good behavior to my oldest.  (The promise was really a threat that I held over his head for the duration of our shopping).  Like clockwork my youngest started screaming and wanted out within the 15 minute window as predicted, so I held him while attempting to guide the cart, keep my 3 year old sitting down (OR NO COOKIE!) and make my way down the aisles.  Eventually we paid, got the groceries in the car and the boys locked in their carseats.  Home we went with music blaring like a rave because I felt like an olympian having made it to 12 noon already!  I carried all 12 bags of groceries up in one swoop while my boys remained locked safely in the car.  Then I ran back down to get them and the 3 of us headed in.  Go to the bathroom.  Wash hands!  I changed my youngest's diaper and slapped lunch together for all 3 of us.  It was 12:50 before I knew it and my youngest was ready for his nap.  I got my oldest settled on the couch with a show and somehow the two of us both passed out into a deep slumber.  Family nap!  How was I doing this?  I didn't know.  I had been left with these two amazing, little people full of life and full of energy.  I had no idea how I got through the day each day.  But somehow I continued to wake up the next day and make my way through it.  It wasn't always easy.  It wasn't always fun.  But I was doing it.  We were doing it.

196 : Give Thanks

9 years ago, my friends and I decided to get together for Thanksgiving.  It wasn't the actual holiday, it was just on a weekend close to Thanksgiving.  The host made the turkey and everyone brought sides for passing.  We got together on a Sunday so we could have football on for the occasion, as to mimic the true holiday.  And then we all got wasted.  So much so, that everyone agreed when we did it the following year, we had to have it on a Saturday.  We continued to have the event the following year.  And the next.  And the next.  Until at some point, we realized that this year's friends thanksgiving was the 9th annual.  And to think it all started in a random rental coach house in Lincoln Park.  A lot had happened in those 9 years.  Weddings.  Children.  Divorce.  Remarriage.  More children.  Life had happened.  But one thing had remained consistent throughout out all: our unique and true friendships between one another.  Just in the past year alone, so much had happened.  Two friends had become mothers for the first time.  Three friends had purchased houses in the suburbs.  One friend was newly pregnant.  And another friend had just recently learned she and her family would be relocating to Australia.  I, of course, had gotten divorced.  But that's not all.  I had been reminded time and time again how amazing my friends were and that no matter what, we would always be there for each other.  Yes, life would continue to throw curve balls to all of us.  But we'd always have Friends Thanksgiving.  And we'd always have each other.  That, indeed, was something to be thankful for.

195 : I actually feel sorry for him

I know it's wrong.  And this message is so different than some of the other posts I have published.  But it was true.  At times, I couldn't help myself.  I actually felt sorry for my Ex.  He had done all of this.  Every part of it.  He was unhappy.  He removed himself.  He filed for divorce.  He chose to walk away from us.  Yet when I saw him, I recognized one thing in him more clearly than ever.  He was lost.  And to see someone I once loved looking that way, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him.  I know, this blog is about ME dammit, not him.  This is about ME getting on with my life and going forward and healing myself and starting over.  Things I had to do all because of HIM.  Tonight though, he came to pick up the boys.  My friend Nikki was in town with her family and our kids were running around when he walked in.  It looked hectic in the apartment, I'm sure, but it was fun.  The kids were laughing, having a blast and I knew he must've felt uncomfortable seeing my friend (as he should!)  He gathered the boys up, but not without some resistance from my older son who always preferred his mom.  And then they left.  The 3 of them.  The boys would come back tomorrow and we would go on to enjoy another party with all of our friends and their kids.  And my Ex would miss it.  Not that he cared, he probably didn't.  Somehow, though, I just found myself feeling sorry for him.  I think this meant perhaps I was truly getting to a place of peace that I could even have that compassion?  I'm not sure.  I wouldn't dwell on it beyond this post.  I was looking forward to seeing everyone tomorrow and I was totally comfortable it would just be me and the boys.  Honestly, we were better off.

194 : Try Reiki

I've never been opposed to alternative medicine, but I've tended to rely more on more traditional Western medicine my whole life.  Not for any reason other than that is just what I know.  That is how I grew up.  I'm fine with going to the doctor, filling a prescription and taking pills.  Whatever it takes, man.  But more recently, I was introduced to a new form of treatment, something that previously I had never heard of: Reiki.  A good friend of mine completed her Master Reiki certification and was open to taking on new clients.  For those who don't know, Reiki is a form of energy healing.  Basically what happens is the Reiki master uses their hands to channel or transfer good energy as a form of healing.  It's not that I didn't believe in this type of treatment, I just had never really known about it up to this point.  Since the opportunity was in front of me, I thought I should take advantage of it.  My appointment was pretty incredible - more so than I had expected.  The treatment itself starts just as though you are getting a massage (but you keep your clothes on!)  You enter a dark room and position yourself on the massage table.  I started laying face up.  We had a conversation about what it was I wanted to focus on and after some discussion agreed to start the session with an overall aura cleansing.  I felt some weight in my throat and expressed this to my friend, so it was there that she began.  She never touched my throat, but rather just extended her hands over it and concentrated on that area.  And I have to tell you, it was almost like magic.  Slowly the 'weight' seemed to move out of my throat and settle down in my chest.  She repeated the exercise focusing more on my chest and once again the 'weight' moved down deeper into my stomach.  I'm not kidding, I was as surprised as anyone, but I could literally feel the weight/pressure being transferred at that moment.  We continued until I didn't really feel the weight's existence any longer.  At some point during this treatment, I noticed that I could no longer feel my feet.  It wasn't in a scary way.  I knew they were there, but I could not feel them.  I stated this out loud and my friend suggested perhaps it was because we had focused so much of the treatment on my upper body.  Crazy!  A few minutes later, my friend told me that she had suddenly gotten a vision of an owl and asked me if that meant anything to me.  I told her the only owl in my life was a figurine in my home that was a gift from my sister in law, but that was about it.  We went back to the treatment without discussing any further.  For the second part of the treatment, I was on my stomach and my friend focused on my back.  I found this part to be incredibly relaxing.  I just kind of zoned out.  I'm not sure how much time passed, but at some point my friend said the session was complete and to take my time getting up.  I felt amazing.  Calm.  Relaxed.  Renewed.  I took a sip of water and as I was accustomed to, I checked my phone.  I had a text from my sister in law.  The same one who had given me the owl.  It was very interesting because we actually didn't text all that much.  I was a believer.  Would I try this again?  Yes.  Yes indeed.

193 : Keep the Balance

I came across the following quote a few months ago.

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." - Nora Ephron

Obviously this quote resonated with me.  I think it says a lot about a person, how they chose to handle themselves during life's challenges.  I can't say I haven't been the victim at all this past year, because I know I have.  I've felt it.  I've hosted a few pity parties for myself for sure. But when I'm starting to go down that path, I try to remind myself of something good.  It can be something small.  It can be something material.  It can be anything.  I have just been consciously trying to offset those negative feelings with something positive.  I won't become the victim.  I'm better than that.  So the other day, I was battling this nasty cold (see post #188) and I was tired and cranky and sleep deprived and feeling sorry for myself.  I'd had a long, frustrating day at work and it's those type of days that I tend to go to the bad place.  I'm divorced.  I'm alone.  I exhausted and I have to go home to my kids and care for them.  I have no husband to help.  I have no partner to take care of me while I'm sick.  Surely you can see how one might gain some momentum behind those thoughts when in such delicate shape.  But the most amazing thing happened that evening.  I got home from work and my nanny had made a pot of homemade chicken soup for me.  It was sitting on the stove, when I got home.  Warm.  Waiting for me.  She knew I was sick.  She didn't even ask, she just knew what I needed and did it.  I know, if anyone is the heroine in this story, it's my nanny!  Thanks to her act of kindness, I was reminded of the good that I have in my live.  I may have been sick, but I was not alone.  I had support.  I was loved.  I had so much more than so many people in the world.  I would not be the victim.  Nope!  Not this girl.

192 : Somebody Wants Me!

Throughout my life, I think I've always been a pretty confident person.  I don't think I'm vain or egotistical.  I just have always known and accepted who I am.  The good (and the bad).  Yup, I'd say I've always been confident.  I'm the girl that people would say 'that guy was just intimidated by you'.  (Ok, maybe all girls heard that one and it was just something we said to each other to make ourselves feel better?  Regardless, I actually believed it from time to time.)  Well, all that aside, even the most confident of people felt the blow when their companion up and abandoned them.  It was the most humiliating and hurtful experience I have ever had and it left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. Broken. Unwanted. I can't say that my Ex robbed me of my confidence, but I will say that I have never questioned myself so much since all this happened.  This bothered me almost as much as losing my partner. I hated that I questioned my own judgement.  I hated that I doubted myself.  I hated that I needed so much reassurance.  I mean everyone needed  a little reassurance on occasion, but I really needed it.  Friends were wonderful supporting me and providing me with that extra security I seemed to have lost.  My mom gave me daily affirmation on my decisions.  But it wasn't the same as having a devoted partner or trusting myself like I previously had been able to do.  And then one day, out of the blue, I received an email from a recruiter about a position at Apple.  Yes, Apple!  As in Mac, iPhone, iPod, you got it.  Yes, a recuiter for Apple had reached out to me about a resource position (similar to my current job) at their headquarters in California.  Let me just say it again.  APPLE!  I was in no position to move to California (not that they had even offered me the job yet) but still.  They were interested in me.  They reached out to me.  Somebody wanted me!  After the year I'd had, I needed this.  I knew I wasn't going to California but it felt so incredibly awesome to be wanted.  I was pretty sure this opportunity wouldn't go anywhere but I was thankful for the confidence boost.  Go Me!

191 : Keep Asking

I was still learning how to 'do the dance' with my Ex.  As you may recall, the last time I had asked for an adjustment to our "set" schedule, he suggested he become their primary custodian instead of me (see post #172).  My Ex, however, had no problem making changes on me.  And being the decent, understanding human that I was, I allowed this.  Okay, go ahead and say it's partly my fault that I allowed this.  Well, from your limited perspective I can see how it could appear that way.  I, however, was deep into it, and unfortunately understood the complications in dealing with him.  I decided early on that the battles I would pick with him would be over money and not time.  Meaning: if he fell short on his financial obligations, I would call him on it to the highest degree.  If he fell short on his time spent with the kids, well, I wouldn't make that into my fight.  He would pay for that with his sons eventually and there was little to nothing I could do to convince him of this.  Regardless of all of this, I still needed to make changes to things from time to time.  And I never knew how those requests would be met.  It was as though I was dealing with a completely different person during each interaction.  As annoying as it was, I could not control that.  I could not control him.  I could only control myself.  So I would ask.  He could say yes, he could say no, he could be an ass for all I knew.  But I wouldn't stop asking.  We had many, many years to be involved in each other lives.  There was no reason to concede this early.  Most recently, I had an engagement with friends that fell on 'his' weekend.  I knew this early on, and decided I would just let it be.  I could bring my kids next year.  As the weekend grew closer though, I began to question how I would feel at the occasion, surrounded by all my friends and their kids, without my own family there to partake in the festivities.  Why not just ask?  I reached out over email, assuming that would be the easiest mode of communication.  And much to my surprise, he was fine with this shift.  It wasn't as cut and dry and just swapping weekends, we would have to dice things up a bit.  But he still agreed.  And without much of a fight.  So the last time, he threatened to fight me for custody and this time he just agreed.  Interesting.  Who knew what the next time would bring? For now, I would just write this one up as a win.

190 : Get Outside

A little fresh air can go a long way.  Especially after you had spent whole the day before cooped up inside in your pjs (see post #189).  The boys and I woke up today all feeling a little better, a little more rested.  We still had a slow morning but thanks to some motivation from Aunt Jess, we decided it was time to head out for a walk.  Breathing in the fresh outdoor air, made me feel more awake, alive!  My 3 year old took off running down the block, bursting with energy just at the fact that we were outside.  Even my 1 year old was all smiles.  We walked down the block to the nearby park where both boys excitedly ran around in circles.  They were so happy to be outside their reaction alone made me smile.  And also I had to admit, even though I was still sick, it actually felt great to get out.  It was a good reminder how the little things in life- like fresh air- can make such a huge difference in how you feel, your perspective, and just your general health.  We were only out for about 30 minutes and then headed back, but it was a much needed oxygen break for all of us.  It helped to refresh and reset us all for the rest of the day.

189 : Have a Pajama Day

Sometimes, the best days ever are the days that you don’t do anything at all.  And today, that is exactly what we did.  I woke up still feeling a little under the weather and I could see in both of my children’s eyes, they felt the same.  We had breakfast.  I put a movie on at 9:30 in the morning and my kids actually sat and watched some of it.  We built towers with our legos.  We colored at the counter with crayons AND markers.  And I even got my kiddos to help me with the laundry (they loved throwing the clothes in the washer).   Okay, so it also felt like a very long day in many ways, too but that’s probably just because I wasn’t feeling my best.  My boys, however, seemed to love the day.  They paraded around in their pjs like it was Christmas.  They played independently and together with only a couple throw downs in the middle.  We ate homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch.  And yes, my 3 year old helped me make it earlier that day.  This is not something I would like to make a habit of and I am not necessarily encouraging parents around the world to lay around all day with their kids.  But every now and then, it’s sure nice.  And if you are going to go there, make sure you don’t let yourself feel the least bit guilty, either!

188 : Get Healthy

I had spent the past 187 days writing how to (and more importantly why to) get back to myself again.  An exercise to tune up my emotional health.  And now all of a sudden, I was suffering from a severe cold.  Yup, one of the nasty ones.  As a friend called it- I had the preschool cold.  My nose was running.  My eyes were watering.  I couldn't stop coughing.  My throat hurt.  And the worst part of all- I had no voice.  That was the epitome of insults for me, as I was admittedly quite the talker.  So tonight, while I had intended to elaborate on some great life experience or offer a lesson in how to continue the journey back to self fulfillment, I think it would be best if I took a couple Nyquils and rested up.  Afterall, I had two little guys who needed me tomorrow.

187 : Don't Take Life So Seriously!

You have to laugh at life sometimes.  Or better yet, you have to laugh at yourself.  Here I was, 37 years old...divorced...single mother of two boys.  I had just been on my first date the other week (see post #178) and even though I had a good time, I never heard back from the guy again.  (It's okay, as you recall from that earlier post, I was somewhat expecting this.)  I had tried to put myself out there with a friend of my attorney's (see post #153) but before I had a chance to even meet him for a drink, he informed me that he had started dating someone else.  And finally, my biggest leap to date, I signed myself up for eHarmony (see post #177).  Let's just say the matchmaking site had yet to produce what I was looking for.  It did, however, provide me with some entertainment.  Now please note, that I give credit to anyone who has the strength, confidence and balls to put themselves out there.  I really do.  At the same time, though, a couple of the people I was 'matched' with were...well...just funny.  For the most part, I was matched with men that I was simply not attracted to, they weren't my "type" or I felt they were possibly a little older than what I was looking for.  But then there was the creepy guy who was standing awkwardly holding his cat with glowing, beady eyes (and to clarify the cat had the eyes, not my match).  Was that picture really necessary, buddy?  And who did you think was going to see that profile pic and think, Yes, this is just who I have been looking for!   (Okay, hopefully someone would because everyone deserved that, but that someone was not me).  I probably sound like a bitch here and for that I'm sorry, but I had to admit, the weirdness of it all was slightly entertaining.  I'm sure someone was looking at my profile too and thinking Hells No she had 2 little kids?!?  (obviously that was what my date had thought from the other night- again see post #178).  I'm not saying this from a self deprecating, poor me or depressed place.  I'm saying I am thankful that I am not taking things (or myself for that matter!) too seriously.  I am thankful that an unfortunate situation (abandonment/divorce) combined with unchartered territory (online dating) is still making me smile even if it's for the wrong reason.  You have to find the humor in all of this, right?