186 : Trick or Treat?

Oh how much went into making plans these days, it was really rather exhausting.  I had to first solidify my calendar with my Ex.  It's Halloween next week and I'd like to have the boys. According to our settlement agreement this should work.  Check.  Then once the schedule had been determined, I then had to make plans.  I know, how hard is that?  Well, in some ways it was hard, in other ways it wasn't.  Fortunately, I had a close network of great friends and I had reached out about Halloween a while ago, staking my claim on a spot at my very good friend Amy's.  Her two boys were almost identical in age to my two boys, so our gatherings tended to be ACTIVE yet fun for all of us.  I reached out to Amy to invite myself to their home for Halloween months ago and she happily obliged.  As it got closer we began to iron out some details for the kids.  Trick or treating hours.  Dinner.  Sleeping arrangements (of course I was spending the night.  Mama needed some wine time just as much as kids needed candy!)  And then the craziest thing happened.  My kids got sick.  Both of them.  About a week before Halloween, fevers settled in.  Noses started running and with my oldest son in particular, a persistent cough lingered around.  Oh no.  Not Halloween.  Not the one thing that I had planned with my friend for my kids on the year I get them during that night.  This will pass!  I did my best to care for my kids in the days leading up to Halloween.  I didn't want their health to jeopardize the night for any of us.  Did I mention they had already been wearing their fire fighter costumes for over a month just around the house?  They simply HAD to get better.  And finally, the week of, I reached out to my friend, Amy, to help me work through this dilemma.  Now I should add that my friend Amy had been one of my best friends since we met at the age of 18.  We instantly clicked as friends in college and beyond.  But I feel like once we became moms our friendship hit an all time high.  We experienced so much at such similar times in our lives.  We could relate to each other.  We could learn from each other.  I had always cherished her friendship, but this just made it all the more valuable to me.  I called her and explained to her about my kids being sick.  And her response?

Well don't NOT bring them out here because of my kids.  Colds are colds.  Every kid has a cold or a runny nose these days.  If you need to stay home because you aren't feeling good about bringing them out, that is fine, but don't do it because of us.  We still want you to come.

Wow.  Awesome.  And so true.  I would've said the same to her.  I was thankful, relieved and appreciative to have another mother's insight and a great friend.  It was going to be a fun night.  Happy Halloween, indeed!

185 : The Things We do for Love

I was woken up by my 3 year old the other morning far too early to start the day.  I told him the alarm hadn't gone off yet and we couldn't get up until the alarm went off.  My son was very much a creature of habit, so he understood this concept.  He settled back into bed (oh yes, he was in my bed) and became quiet.  For like a minute.  And then the questions began.  He asked me if the nanny was going to come that day?  Yes.  He asked me if he had to go to school that day?  Yes.  I reminded him it was not time to talk yet because the alarm hadn't gone off and he was quiet again.  And then more questions.  Could I put his show on?  No, not until the alarm goes off.  It's not time to start the day until the alarm goes off.  Could I go get his milk and his bar? (He liked the kid's Cliff bars- that's what he meant when he said bar).  I told him we were out of bars right now and I had to go to the store to get more that day.  And then I reminded him that it wasn't time to get up and blah blah blah.  He continued to ask questions and finally climbed out of bed himself to go get his bar.  I knew we were out of bars, but I was tired and partially still asleep, so I let him go out to the kitchen by himself, thankful to have a couple minutes of silence.  He came back with a bowl full of teddy grahams- something I did not purchase for him (definitely a grandmother purchase) and certainly something I would not want my child to eat for breakfast.  He was so proud of himself though.  Look Mom!  I have teddy grahams!  He started to count them and I peeked my eye open to assess how accurately he was doing so.  And then in an attempt to limit the number of cookies my 3 year old ate before 6am- I asked him if he would share with me.  And his response was pretty simple.  Mom, can you say please?  Only this guy could charm me in such a way.  So there we were laying in my bed, on my white sheets eating teddy graham cookies before my alarm had even gone off (which was scheduled for 6am!)  It wasn't something I wouldn't do with just anyone. It was true love.

184 : This Won't Be the Last Time

It was tough being a divorced parent.  Especially being the person that never saw this coming, was abandoned by her partner and was pretty much left to raise our boys on my own.  My Ex was involved in their lives, but not in the same way as if we were together still.  I was the primary parent in their lives.  I fed them.  I bought them clothes.  I took them to the doctor.  I was there for them.  Always.  I'm not saying this to get credit or to win.  I'm saying this because it's the simple truth.  I was there for them.  My Ex, however, was not.  He would be offended if he read this.  He would fight and argue that he was doing everything he could for them.  But I believe that deep down, even though he would never admit this, he knew that was not true.  I'm not sure if he was even capable of giving more to them, which made me sad for my children.  But I couldn't change him.  All I could do was be there for them, love them and hope that they would still grow up to be confident, well adjusted young men some day.  As much as I wanted their father to be present in their lives, it still was hard for me at times.  This past weekend for instance.  Typically I didn't come home after work on the weekends when the boys went with their dad.  It was difficult to see them leave.  So instead I made plans and my nanny helped pack them up and get them settled with their dad.  This past weekend, though, I wasn't feeling too great, so I just came home after work.  I walked in and the boys were disappointed it was me, having expected to see their dad.  It was a momentary relapse, and then they got excited at my arrival home.  Within the hour, their dad showed up.  As he walked in the door, my oldest burst into tears and gripped me for dear life.  He cried and begged to stay with me saying he did not want to go with daddy.  It was very tough to witness, probably for both of us.  But I will say my Ex responded well and before I knew it, the three of them were excited to leave together.  My youngest, by the way, was always excited to see his dad.  While I knew this was for the best, it made me a little sick too if I'm being honest.  They departed and I got on with my evening.  Fast forward to Sunday when the boys returned.  My oldest led the way into the apartment and ran straight up to me.  He clearly missed me!  He didn't even notice I had a different hair color (see post #183).  He sat on my lap and refused to say goodbye to his dad.  My youngest, though, was a different story.  He chased my Ex to the door crying, almost begging him to stay.  And when the door shut, he sat down against the door and sobbed for what felt like an eternity to me.  It made my heart hurt.  I didn't want to hold onto anger at all, but I hated my Ex at that moment, I'm not going to lie.  I hated that there was nothing I could do to comfort my son because all he wanted was his dad.  And I hated that I had been there for my son from the moment he was born and it was still his dad that he was crying over.  I knew it was wrong, but that is how I felt.  I wanted so much more for my kids and it bothered me to see them hurting in any way.  He was so young, yet I felt like he already deserved so much better than this.  Eventually, he stopped crying and climbed on my lap to cuddle.  This wouldn't be the last time I would feel this way, I was sure.  Hopefully, it would get easier as time passed.  Hopefully.

183 : Be Dramatic

Well, I did it.  I made a dramatic change this weekend.  I wasn't relocating to a new state.  I wasn't even moving into a new apartment.  I was divorced and my life was totally different, but in many ways, I felt the same.  I needed to make a change.  And since moving out of the state or moving to a new apartment were not options at the moment, I decided to go for a change in appearance.  Yup, I colored my hair.  I went for an auburn, chestnut color.  Something fitting for the season instead of my natural blondish/light brown hues.  It was drastic.  It was dramatic.  It was perfect.  I think it's only natural to want to switch things up like this.  Even Carrie Bradshaw went for a new color in Sex and the City the movie (not that she was who I was trying to emulate in any way).  Still, it felt good.  My mom was curious as to how my kids would respond (which was nice because it was something I hadn't even thought of until she mentioned it) but fortunately for me, they recognized me immediately as though nothing had changed.  And nothing really had changed, I was still their loving mama.  I just had a new look going.  If I couldn't wipe the slate entirely clean for a fresh start, this was the closest thing to it.  And boy did it feel good.

182 : Enjoy Some Cooking Therapy

I went to bed last night with every intention of sleeping in.  There were no kids to wake me.  No work to go to.  No plans in front of me.  Yes, the day was all mine!  And the funny thing is, I was so excited at the thought of this that I practically jumped out of bed at 7am.  Again, there was no alarm.  My body just woke up naturally and when I thought of what I wanted to do that day, I couldn't stay in bed any longer.  I started with coffee, immediately.  Is there a better way to start the day?  And then I made a fire, again.  Why not.
And then I began my morning of cooking therapy.  Bacon Onion Tart.  That was the first thing on the list.  I had tried this at my favorite local bakery about a week ago and had not been able to stop thinking about it.  (Not normal, I know).  I was slightly concerned about the 'tart' part because I suspected this would be tough, but I still wanted to give it a try.  Plus, how could anything taste bad with caramelized onions and bacon?  As to be expected, it wasn't quite as good as the neighborhood bakery, but it wasn't bad for my first attempt.

The next item was some soup.  There was no recipe to follow.  I just wanted something hearty yet healthy to eat for lunches this week.  I combined broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, onion, celery and chicken broth in my soup pot and let them steam and simmer.  After about 20 minutes, I put the chunky vegetables into the food processor for the perfect puree.  Add a little milk, salt & pepper and I had myself a tasty (and low point) soup.

I advanced to my second cup of coffee.  I had music going and a pile of dishes that were dirty but I would continue on.  My mom was coming to visit this week and I wanted to make a new zucchini lasagna for her.  If I could prep everything today, then all we'd have to do is throw it in the oven when mom came.  I cut the zucchini into thin ribbons and then chopped the garlic, onion and fresh basil.  All the flavors smelled so good.  Did I mention I was still in my pajamas?  There was no place to go.  I could take all the time I needed.  

Finally, I needed one sweet thing to balance out the savory.  I found an apple crisp recipe and quickly threw it together.  Apples.  Oats.  Brown sugar.  Butter.  It was pretty hard to mess this one up.  My goodness did my place smell good.  I could keep going.  But I figured, I should probably stop to eat some of this before I made anything else.  

Cooking Therapy.  What an awesome way to spend the day!

181 : Plan a Date with Yourself

Well yesterday I wrote about knowing your purpose (see post #180) and today I knew all too well what I was supposed to do.  Come home from work, order food, make a fire and RELAX.  It had been a long week.

180 : Know Your Purpose

Tonight I took my boys to the doctor for their 3 year and 15 month check up.  The appointments coincided perfectly with the colds our family had been hit with in the past 24 hours which was nice.  I left work early to get home in time to bundle them up, walk down the flight of stairs (carrying one, holding the other's hand) get them both buckled in and head to the doctor's office.  We hit the streets during rush hour, fighting traffic the entire way while also negotiating which sippy cup my 3 year old could have and then insisting the one he didn't want would go to his brother.  We arrived and I got them both out of their seats and led the way into the office (carrying one, holding the other's hand).  My insurance card was already accessible in my jeans pocket.  I balanced a clip board of paperwork while keeping an eye on my 3 year old and preventing my 1 year old from stealing my pen.  It was almost a game.  And then we were called back to the exam room.  We were next on the list, phew!  But it was still a solid 12-15 minutes before the doctor arrived. 12-15 minutes with 2 boys that were 3 and under felt like an hour.  I was sweating but fortunately, I had planned on that which was why I left my coat at home.  The doctor entered and both boys fought for my lap and attention.  The 3 year old was only somewhat resisting the exam which I considered a victory and my 1 year old didn't pee when we striped him down for his weight, which I was even more proud of.  The doctor asked me questions and I attempted to answer but could hardly concentrate.  It was as though there were two monkeys in the room climbing, squealing, banging non stop.  I don't even think I heard how much either of them weighed, but fortunately, she wrote it down for me.  They both had been sick, so none of the vaccines could be done that night (great, another trip back next week!) The doctor asked for final questions and then took off.  I blocked the door and pinned both boys down in order to get coats on and gather our belongings.  Again, sweating.  On the way out, I saw a friend in the office who just had a baby.  She was there with her newborn and her two other sons.  She had 3 and probably looked more put together than me.  I was barking at my 3 year old to stay by me and trying not to wince as my 1 year old used his whole body weight in attempt to get out of my arms.  Somehow we all made our way back to the car and were on the road.  My one year old started crying- it was past his bed time.  My 3 year old asked repeatedly for his 'sassies' (pacifiers) and I could only hope that traffic had lightened up for our route home.  The crying persisted and the wining for sassies continued.  And suddenly at that moment, I knew what I needed to do next.  I opened up my mouth and started to sing You are my Sunshine.   Silence.  They were not asleep yet, but hearing me sing instantly calmed them both down.  They were content.  We got home and made our way back up the stairs (carrying one, holding the other's hand).  We hurried into our jammies and settled right into bed.  And as I was saying my good nights to them, my 3 year old asked again if he could come in my bed later if he got scared.  Yes.  I knew my purpose.  I had learned a lot over the past year.  I had learned about what pain was.  I had learned about what betrayal was.  I had learned about disappointment.  But I had also learned about strength.  I had learned to be selfless.  And I had learned (and was continuing to learn) about hope.  I may have felt lost at times, but in this very moment I was more sure than ever about what my purpose was. I was a wonderful mom of two well adjusted, loved, happy boys.  I was right were I was supposed to be.  

179 : Clarity!

I was having a conversation with a friend tonight and explaining where I was in my 'big picture' for life.  I wanted to try to stay in Chicago.  I had spent the past 12 years building a life for myself here, both personally and professionally, I wasn't ready to give that up.  She rejoiced in this recognition.  It was a big step.  I was confidently speaking about what I wanted to do next.  What I needed to do next.  I knew my path was a little blurry still, but I could see the direction ahead of me.  I'm not sure when the route had gotten more clear, but I appreciated her ability to identify it for me.  Maybe I had been so lost in the details, I hadn't stopped to acknowledge I knew what I wanted to do next.  I wanted to stay in Chicago for now.  I wanted to look for a place in the suburbs where I could start to build a new life for myself and my kids.  A place where the only memories would be the new ones we created.  I wanted to see if I felt more supported being closer to my friends.  And if not, then I would know that the true next step would be to move closer to my family. But for now my head was here.  My heart was here.  I was thankful that knowing at that moment what my immediate next step was.  Now I only had to find a way to get there.

178 : Just Be Yourself

So I had been out the other weekend and a guy asked me for my number (see post #171).  I didn't know what to expect, so I gave him the digits willingly and hoped for the best.  What did I have to lose anyway?  He followed up within a few days and invited me to have drinks with him.  Okay, I can do this.  I wasn't trying to hide anything from him intentionally but it wasn't my fault that my age, marital history or child status never came up prior to this text invitation. Truth be told, I knew he was younger than me, but I was trying to be open minded, so why not?  (see post #171, again).  I felt nervous as the date hour grew closer.  Of course I did.  I had been married for three and a half years.  I had 2 kids.  I had been out of the dating scene for almost 6 years.   It was totally normal that I should feel nervous at that moment.  I stayed at work late, and then went straight to the destination.  On my route there as the nerves began to increase, I attempted to reach several good friends for a little reassurance but knew that the 6:45 time slot was out of the question with little ones.  I reached Bravata during mid bath of the twins and she gave me the reassurance I needed (thank you, Bvo!) I resolved to just be myself.  I had nothing to be ashamed of.  I hadn't kept anything from him intentionally.  If he asked, I would tell him.  If it came up naturally in conversation, I would tell him.  I could be open to new things but I wouldn't be dishonest with myself or anyone about who I was.  It came up of course.  And I'm not sure if it was because my subconscious led us there or if it was just a coincidence, but it came up.  And I was honest about my kids.  (It was only drinks, it's not like I had explain the destruction of my marriage at this point!). And you know what?  He didn't care.  (Well, I'm sure somewhere deep down he cared, but this is not what he projected to me).  We continued to enjoy our bottle of wine, some good food and even better conversation.  He was a nice guy.  Probably a nice guy that nothing would really develop with, but a nice guy none the less.  We finished things up, said our goodbyes and went on our way.  I got home and sent one last text in gratitude for a nice evening.  His response more than I had expected.

You are a fantastic woman.  I will be in touch.

I had to admit, it made me smile, even though truthfully I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear from him again.  But I didn't need to know right now.  I had put myself out there.  I had fun.  And that was enough.  For now.

177 : Everybody's Doing It

Before I met my husband (now Ex) I had people suggesting I try online dating.  Hell no!  That was not for me.  I wouldn't stoop to that level to meet someone.  No way, no how.  I mean no offense to anyone who has done this.  Truly.  At the time I just didn't feel this was the right decision for me.  I went on to meet someone through more traditional channels (let's just say our families were close) and thought that was the end of it.  Turns out, I was wrong.  So how does a working single mother of two children find time to meet someone, let alone date?  I made it known to friends and family I was ready and open to being set up.  So far only my attorney had delivered on that (see post #153) but it later turned out the guy had suddenly started dating someone else (that's besides the point).  I tried Tinder (see post #89) which was fun and entertaining for a couple weeks.  And just as I was starting to communicate with a few guys a technical glitch caused the app to stop working.  Times had changed since I had last been in the dating world.  This made me very uncomfortable, but I knew the longer I sat in that discomfort the longer it would take me to meet someone else.  So, I signed up for eHarmony over the weekend.  It took 2 rather large glasses of wine, and hours of searching for the best profile pictures I could find of myself, but I did it.  I was still a skeptic, that would never change.  And the initial matches were not promising which only proved I was right for being so.  But I was still willing to TRY.  I didn't have to act on anything,  I didn't have to communicate with anyone if I didn't want.  But I had signed up.  I was going to try.  And if I met someone then cool.  And if I didn't, well then I didn't.  I think I was doing pretty darn good considering how much had happened in such a short time.  In less than a year, my husband has announced he was unhappy, moved out, filed for divorce and the divorce was official.  IN LESS THAN ONE YEAR.  And I was now healing my heart, moving forward and active on eHarmony.  I must admit, this was not ever where I saw my life going.  This is where I was, though, and despite everything that had happened, I knew I deserved better.  So instead of wallowing in my misery, or focusing on how awful the past year was, I was committed to moving on and creating a new life for myself.  Online dating, here I come.  What else did I have to lose?

176 : You're Better Off...

Well this is probably the silliest of things to blog about but here goes. I started watching Homeland over the weekend. Yes, Homeland. The show that people have been raving about for what seems like years and I never had access to it before. Also, my Ex wasn't interested in watching it. He heard about the premise and decided it was 'too close to home' to watch. I could appreciate that point of view and there seemed to be plenty of other shows on that it never really mattered. But I was always intrigued myself and wished I had someone to watch it with me. My Ex was always extremely opinionated about things. The craziest of things, too. I always knew this about him and although it was trying at times I did my best to embrace it because that is what you do when you love someone. You take all the things they do that drive you crazy and do your best to accept them. I'm sure I had a long list of things that drove him crazy as well, but that's besides the point. So fast forward to my current state and I am divorced, home alone yet again on a Saturday night (the boys were in bed) and I decided now was better than ever to jump start this series. I convinced my cable provider to cut me a deal on Showtime for the time being and within a matter of minutes it was a go. I stayed up until 2 in the morning that first night watching season 1. No, I didn't finish the whole season, but I was so enthralled I just had to watch '1 more episode' several times in a row. It wasn't until my 3 year old came out of his room for his usual transition into my bed that I realized I should probably go to sleep. And then I smiled to myself. What a good show I can gotten myself into and just another thing that my Ex was too stubborn to watch. I didn't need someone like that in my life. Of course I appreciated a person having a point of view or standing behind what they believed in. But I knew that in addition to all the other qualities that I'd collected in my head, I really wanted someone who was much more easy going. Someone that was willing to try new things, even if it wasn't their cup of tea. Something as stupid as watching a show with me, just because it was something that I wanted to do. It was funny how the smallest of things could give me some perspective and reassurance. I climbed into bed knowing I'd have a good nights sleep.

175 : Just Admit It

Being a parent is exhausting.  I'll say it again.  Exhausting!  I'm not saying that quietly, either.  I'm screaming it at the top of my lungs (across the internet).  There is no shame in admitting this.  It doesn't mean I love my kids any less or I don't try to offer the most I can each day.  It doesn't mean I'm patient at all times (hardly!) or I'm perfect in every parental decision I make. It's quite the opposite.  My kids drive me crazy sometimes.  They destroy my house.  They refuse to eat.  They throw tantrums and beat up on each other and take me for granted multiple times a day just as I probably do the same with them.  Tonight, my boys played together in their room with the door closed for a solid 8 minutes.  8 minutes I had peace and quite (and a glass of wine) to access the damage throughout my home. (My time was interrupted when my 3 year old opened the door during the 9th minute to report a problem). I can admit that I cringe sometimes at the thought of having them to myself all weekend just as I cry at the thought of being without them.  Yes, being a parent is exhausting, but if I could do it all over, I would chose it again.  Because being a parent is also amazing.  My children have brought me a happiness that I had never previously known.  They make me laugh so hard it hurts.  They melt my heart with the most innocent of looks, comments or gestures.  Nothing in life worth keeping comes without a price.  So exhaustion may be what I keep paying for the coming years.  I'd say it's still worth it.

174 : Hibernate

It was getting to be that time of year.  A time when you had to wake up before the sun and it was dark again when you left work at the end of the day.  A time when there started to be a chill in the air and coats came out of the closet.  It was almost time to hibernate.  I'd like to think I was a pretty social person but there was something so comforting about hitting the end of your work week and just coming home.  I liked to get cozy, order in and just relax.  It's almost as though I had worked all week for that moment.  In the summer this same hour was one of celebration with the desire to get out!  But in the fall with the cooler temps and dark skies, there was nothing better than coming home for a night in.  The difference was that this year, I would be coming home putting my kids to bed and then sitting alone on the couch, versus having a partner around like I had in years past.  That's not to say that I couldn't meet someone over the fall or winter- but at the moment, I had not.  And when I did, there would be a new level of complication to it now that there were kids involved.  This was just the start of this long, dark, cold season that easily could have led me down a road of depression.  But instead, I felt totally comfortable being home by myself.  In fact, I preferred to be by myself than with someone insignificant or unworthy of me.  So on that note, it was time to trade in my computer for a glass of wine, a cozy blanket and some quality couch time.

173 : Oh the Irony

So I was writing away on my blog one night when I found myself drifting off in other thoughts.  Thoughts of an ex.  Not the Ex, but a substantial ex from my past.  And by substantial I mean the last serious relationship (met my family, talked of marriage) before I actually met my husband (now Ex Husband).  As I have mentioned in the past, I am not a big social media person, therefore I have not kept in touch or really had access to any ex boyfriends in the past beyond google.  And it had been a long time since I had last googled that name.  Why I decided to do it that night?  I'm not sure.  While I'd like to think I'm typically not an emotional cutter, I knew at that moment I was seeking out something that may not be of great benefit to me as I sat working on my divorce blog.  But I couldn't help myself.  I typed in his name and the results were far better (or worse) than I had been expecting.  Not only was the guy now married (which wasn't THAT big of a surprise to me) but the first entry listed was his wedding featured on theknot.com.  How ironic was this?  A guy who had ended things with me years ago because he felt like he wasn't ready to be married yet was now smiling with his bride on a wedding web site (again, while I typed away on my divorce blog). I just had to shake my head.  He had definitely aged, which I had to say felt good, but it was still a strange reality to swallow.  I remember after we had broken up so many years ago, friends had told me we weren't good together and when I met my Husband (now Ex Husband) it seemed to be clear that there was something better out there for me.  And then that ended.  So where was I now?  I knew this was not a healthy mind set to put myself into - I had been doing so good, what did it matter for me if this ex was now married?  It's not like he was any better than me because of it.  And my story wasn't over yet.  Clearly!  I'd like to think there were many more chapters left in my book.  I scoured the web site to make sure I saw every single picture from their wedding.  I then sent the link out to my girlfriends because what girl wouldn't do that?  And then I shut the browser.  Okay, back to facing forward.

172 : Use the Same Language Every Time

Dealing with an Ex in many ways was like dealing with my 3 year old.  I had to choose my words very carefully.  I had to be consistent with my message.  And sometimes, now matter how hard I tried, I just had to throw my hands up and acknowledge I couldn't win.  Don't worry readers, there was nothing new to report with my most recent exchange.  It still just blew my mind, however, how inconsistent my Ex could be with what he asked of me.  Take for example the other week.  I asked my Ex if we could extend the time frame occasionally on his nights so that I had a little extra time for myself.  Not every week.  Not even all night.  Just an hour or two past the boys bedtime.  I explained (even though I didn't have to) that I could use that time to catch up on work, go to yoga or even have dinner with a friend.  Having time for myself was important in order for me to be my best self for my boys.  Sounds reasonable, right?  Well apparently that was too much to ask.  My Ex suggested we change the arrangement so he was the primary custodian.  Yup.  That was his response to my request for an hour or two extra ON OCCASION.  After several attempts to talk through this both in person and via email, we finally came up with a fair compromise.  I told him I felt it was important that we remain flexible for each other for the sake of our kids.  Two weeks later, he cancelled on me the day of his visit.  Work was busy, he couldn't make it.  Of course!  I responded.  It's important that we remain flexible for each other.  I was pretty certain my words didn't register with him then.  And they may not for a very long time.  But I wouldn't stop.  I would continue to be consistent with my message and hope that eventually, some day it would finally sink in.

171 : Why not?

I was out this past weekend and very randomly gave my number out to someone.  I say it was random because I had no expectation of this happening.  His friend and my friend were friends - and so we were just kind of stuck sitting next to each other talking.  It's not like the conversation was unpleasant, either.  It was just, well, uneventful.  He was a nice enough guy, but I didn't get the feeling there was interest there for either of us.  Perhaps I've just been out of the dating scene for so long, that I have no clue?  Anyway, he asked me for my number (nevermind the fact that he did not know I was a 37 year old recent divorcé single mom of a 1 and 3 year old.  That's irrelevant, right?)  I was pretty sure at some point during our conversation he made a reference that cued his age, but the topic never came up directly, so I wasn't going to worry about it.  He told me he would text me the next night if they went out and maybe I could meet them.  (Sure, because that's how dating work these days- you just text with a complete stranger without really getting an opportunity to know them in person.)  I never heard from him the rest of the weekend, and assumed there had been other girls more interesting that he had moved onto.  And to be honest, I didn't care in the least.  I was in a weird head space.  I was open to just about anything right now.  And I think I was becoming more like a man.  I was actually starting to enjoy being by myself.  Yes, I wanted to meet someone eventually but I was viewing every guy I came across with equal possibility and just as equally disposable (that's the man part).  So by Sunday, I too had forgotten about this guy.  Then come Monday night I got a text.  From a strange number.  It was him.  He told me he'd like to take me out for a drink sometime in the next week.  Okay, now here we go.  Reaching out.  Taking initiative.  I liked that.  It wasn't the typical let's start texting and never really follow through on anything text.  He wanted to make plans.  I was pretty confident nothing would ever happen with this guy.  I didn't even think I liked him. But what the hell?  Why not give it a try?

170 : It Could Happen to Anyone

I have those days, when I'm feeling down on myself.  I think we all have them, right?  I don't have them every day and they seem to have become less and less.  But when I do have them, it's intense, and I begin to wallow in that negative place.  One day I was feeling this way, and happened to be flipping through my US Weekly when I came across a picture of Sandra Bullock.  Now here was an amazing woman.  Talented.  Funny.  Smart.  And in this picture in particular, she looked gorgeous and was smiling with a purpose.  Here was someone who at the top of her game, was completely betrayed by her spouse in a very public manner.  Sandy - yes, I'm actually calling her Sandy - reminded me that this could happen to anyone.  Even Sandra Fricken Bullock.  And here she was, now years later, smiling, resilient, beautiful.  There was something to be said about seeing someone happy and flourishing after living though a bad situation.  If anyone had, it was Sandy.  It could be done.  And someday it would be me, too.

169 : Make an Apple Pie

It was officially fall and therefore time to make my first pie of the season.  Years ago, before my grandma had passed, she taught my sister and I how to make her famous pie crust.  The recipe cannot be revealed, but I will say it contains LARD.  And it's delicious.  It took a little while to make and was definitely messy, but it was always worth it.  And this time would be no different.

168 : Break Your Silence

I come from a large family - not my immediate family but my extended family.  My dad was one of seven children.  His parents valued faith and family above all else and did a wonderful job of instilling that in their kids.  So my Aunt, the oldest sibling in their family, carried on the torch of keeping everyone informed after both my grandparents passed.  She took it upon herself to send a monthly email to all of us.  All 30 something of us.  For better or worse, every month an email went out highlighting the happenings with our family.  Birthdays.  Anniversaries.  New developments.  Okay, so it was possibly a little cheesy sometimes, but it was always sent with the best intentions.  I rarely responded to this emails. I read them every time, but did not have much to add in response.  And then when my marriage began to crumble, I felt even more self conscious about responding to anyone, let alone all 30 something of them.  It was my family, yes, but the thought was overwhelming and intimidating at the same time to acknowledge to that large group that my marriage had failed.  My aunt continued sending her email every month.  And never once was there a mention of this major life change that I had fallen victim to.  I know this was done out of respect for me.  And there were private conversations that took place along the way.  Still, I felt odd reading the emails every month without any recognition of the most life altering situation every to come my way.  To be clear, it didn't bother me at all.  It just felt wrong.  And so finally, one day after reading her monthly update, I sent a response.  To everyone.

Hello.

It's been a while since I've sent an update, so I thought I would take a minute to do so.  I think everyone has heard by now what's been going on with me this past year, but just in case here goes. Much to my surprise, T decided at the beginning of the year, he was not happy in our marriage, and chose to end things. It's been a long year, full of new challenges, lots of adjusting and the empowering realization that I am so much stronger than I ever knew.  (I've also learned that my sense of humor remains dead on even at the most trying of circumstances which I'm equally proud of!)  I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and show of support during this crazy time.  The divorce was official in August, and it happened to be a wonderful coincidence that I was out in San Diego with my whole family (and Kingston!) on that day.  The boys are thriving despite this new transition.  Jack is going to pre school 2 mornings a week and loving it.  He is also an incredible athlete already at only 3 years old- the only question is, what will be his sport?  Rory is growing like a weed and aggressively trying to keep up with his brother.  He is incredibly chill and often just watches Jack and laughs.  The two of them are such good buddies already- I look at them daily and am reminded at how lucky I am.  We are all looking towards the future.  I'm not sure what it will hold.  I was considering a move back to MI- but the job market has not lended itself the right opportunity yet. I'm also torn because I've spent 12 years building a life for myself in Chicago, both personally and professionally.  I'm just trying to be open and patient about what the next move is.  I will keep everyone posted as I figure that out.

Attached is a picture of the boys in their Halloween costumes: FIRE FIGHTERS!  They have been wearing them daily since I got them.  I hope we can make it to Halloween.

Hope everyone is well,

Molly

As soon as I sent the email, I was swept with an overpowering sense of relief.  And freedom. I had broken my silence.  I had acknowledged to everyone what had happened and it was now out there.  It only took a few minutes for my first response to trickle in.  As the day went on, I received more and more.  It's as though people had been wanting to reach out to me this whole time and had just remained silent to follow my lead.  Putting it out there made me feel alive and free and happy.  And the onslaught of support that followed only made it all the better.  

167 : Watch Waiting to Exhale

If you don't know, then it's not even worth my time to explain.

166 : My Compass is Broken

Life is funny.  And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.  This past year for instance.  One minute, I'm at the hospital giving birth to my second child and the next, I'm divorced.  What the F?  The lord or the universe (whatever your belief is) has a sick sense of humor.  I've spent months trying to navigate this life change.  There have been so many aspects.  Healing emotionally.  Check.  I recognize this is a long process and think I've made significant improvement in this area since the news first broke.  Living for today.  Check.  I'm very much a planner so this has been difficult. I've worked hard to shift my focus to what is relative for today.  It's an ongoing struggle, but it should be noted there has been some positive growth in this area.  Being brave about the future.  This is probably my most difficult adjustment.  Truthfully, the future is something I've worried about my entire life.  What is next?  How will I get there?  Will my kids be okay?  Will I live in this apartment forever?  I can see how it would look as though this directly conflicts with Living for today, which is why I try to be brave and silence the noise in my head.  But every now and then, when I slow down and think about the future (it's only natural, right?) - I realize I don't know what direction I'm heading in.  My internal compass is clearly broken.  It is then that I remember something my dad said to me at one point.

Your future is bright.  It may be a little blurry right now, but it's definitely bright.

It still in no way gives direction as to where I should be going, but it does give me comfort.  And sometimes, that's just enough.

165 : Get a New Dress

For the past couple years, I had treated myself to a new dress around the holidays.  It seemed like there was always a slew of parties to attend, and with all different people.  If I was lucky, I could pull off the same dress 3 weekends in a row without anyone (besides my Ex) seeing me in the dress more than once.  It was awesome!  It was challenging (and motivating) the first holiday season after I had a baby.  And even the year following (who had time to exercise when they had a full time job and an infant?) Then last year, I felt pretty good about myself- I had started weight watchers (see post #18) and oh, did I mention my husband told me right before the holidays that he was unhappy in our marriage?  Well, that will skim a few pounds off ya, right there!  I'm pretty confident I looked good in my dress last year, even though I was not good on the inside.  Fast forward to present day.  I'd accepted the fact that my marriage was over.  I had looked divorce dead in the eyes and came out on the other side.  I was successfully balancing a demanding job and being a wonderful single mom (most days).  So one day in early October I was checking my email a little too religiously and I saw a sale online that I "had" to check out.  Within minutes, I was somehow perusing the dress section and had 5 dresses in my shopping cart (okay, 3 different dresses but multiple sizes).  It was only fall, but these dresses had clearly sought me out, not the other way around.  Surely, I had to take advantage of this sale if it was right in front of me, right?  When they arrived, I did a fashion show for my 3 year old who said he liked them all after I reassured him I was not leaving.  There was one in the pile that stuck out to me.  I knew it was a keeper immediately because it was a size 4 and it fit!!  More importantly, though, it just made me feel good.  Putting on a new dress made me feel feminine, sexy, alive, beautiful!  It would be months before I actually wore this dress anywhere (and hopefully the 4 would still fit)  but for now I would go to sleep content from the high of my new dress.

164 : Guide People on How to Help

Guide people on how they can help.  This was advice given to me by one of my closest friends very early on in the process.  Everyone would have an opinion and want to express it with the best intention, but it was important to guide them on what I needed at various times.  I accepted her advice whole heartedly because I experienced the need for it rather quickly.  I was having dinner with friends one night many months ago, and questions came up about my Ex and if he was having an affair.  At the time, I was not in a place to process this concept and I responded honestly that I didn't think this was happening.  They pressed the topic though, pointing out why it appeared that way.  I know their intentions were totally good.  They wanted the best for me and did not want me to be mislead in any way.  I know this.  However, the conversation did nothing for me but make me feel horrible.  Here I was, left to defend my Ex as to why I didn't think this was happening at a time when the last thing I wanted to do was defend him.  The conversation turned uncomfortable for all of us, when I merely said I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  This would not be the last time I found myself in that situation.  People loved me and they wanted to help.  Sometimes they said all the right things.  Sometimes they did not.  It's not like they knew what I wanted or needed to hear (often I didn't even know)!  I simply had to insert the phrase, I know you care about me, but this isn't helping.  I had to practice it so that I would be prepared to say the words when necessary.  People were often so shocked or infuriated with the actions of my Ex they focused the conversation on him.  I had spent so much time trying to get past him, I didn't want to think about him or dissect his choices any more than I already had to.  It was a unique place to be.  I had often sought out help and support.  But then at times I needed to shut it down.  Ultimately, I knew that everyone's heart was in the right place so hopefully they would respect my boundaries.  And if not, I would continue to guide them there.

163 : Recognize the Signs

The other day, I was cruising around in the car.  I was feeling in a little bit of a funk, not for any particular reason, just one of those days.  And then I turned on the radio.  After a few scans, I came to an old favorite that just matched my mood at that exact moment - George Michael's Waiting for that Day (Yes, it's random - Bravata knows though).  It continued on for a couple more songs, covering multiple genres.  Sure, there was some additional scanning that took place, but it seemed as though a particular set list was being crafted for me right at that moment in time.  It touched on every emotion I had been in touch with just within that past 48 hours.  Pain.  Fear.  Love.  Peace.  I know one might say this was a mere coincidence and was in no way deliberate.  But I believed it to be a sign from the universe, encouraging me to continue on.

162 : It's a New Season

In many ways, 2013 had been the longest year of my life.  And in other ways, it seemed to have flown by.  If you've been following my blog regularly then you know by now that my husband abruptly moved out last January.  He then filed for divorce in February.  It still was a incredibly puzzling to me, but what was even crazier was how well I had adjusted over the past 10 months.  I think I've mourned break ups of former boyfriends for longer that I had actually mourned the loss of my husband.  Don't confuse this- I was very upset about what happened.  I will say that again- I was VERY upset about what happened.  I think, though, having two innocent little beings totally relying on me, forced me to heal at a quicker pace.  And in watching the transformation of my Ex over the past year, I had accepted completely that this had nothing to do with me.  So I had made it through the summer pretty well.  Of course I had.  It was sunny!  The weather was warm!  Even drinks tasted better!  Summer just made everything a little easier to manage.  I still had rough days every now and then, but they were less and less as time went on.  Or maybe my ability to manage them was just improving.  And then summer ended.  Perhaps the weather didn't officially feel like it yet, but it was fall.  Football was on again, the evenings were getting darker earlier, and new TV was back on the air.  Soon it would be hibernating season again, and where would I be?  I didn't want to get caught up in the act of feeling sorry for myself or worrying about what was next.  I mean, I had those moments, but I didn't want to be consumed with them.  Feeling happy felt so much better than feeling lost.  So with the arrival of fall, I put my focus and energy into the best thing I had going for me:  my kids.  We put up some new seasonal decor in our apartment.  We went and got pumpkins together.  We visited my grandma and spent the whole morning raking the leaves in her backyard (and then my oldest jumped into the various piles of leaves throwing them everywhere).  A year ago - hell, even 6 months ago, I probably would've gotten depressed thinking about the fall and going through all these festivities alone.  Somehow, though, I didn't.  I could see with clarity that the three of us were happy together and it was almost a relief to have him out of the picture.  I never would've asked for things to be this way.  But I was moving on and actually couldn't be happier.  I still had a lot of living to do.

161 : Seek Advice

The past couple weeks had been a bit of a roller coaster.  Right as I acknowledged things were going smoothly with my Ex (see post #145) things blew up again (see post #157).  Most recently, my Ex had spent some time with the kids and disregarded their bed time.  I’m not suggesting this was on purpose, I’m only stating the facts.  On his regular scheduled night, instead of hanging out with them at my place (their home)  he took the boys to his place for the first time ever (which for the record, I was completely fine with) however, I was slightly annoyed that he didn’t communicate this to me in advance.  Additionally, he brought them home 2 hours past their regularly scheduled be time.  Now this bothered me.  Our kids were young.  They needed routine.  That’s why they had a schedule.  My older son woke up in the middle of the night completely disoriented.  He cried for almost an hour and there was little I could do to console him.  The day following was also incredibly difficult.  My older son woke up exhausted before even getting out of bed.  He had school that day and needed to be well rested for the day.  Not to mention, I was exhausted!  I was the one who had to deal with the repercussions.  I had to address this.  But here was where my situation proved to be difficult.   The interactions were so hot and cold with my Ex.  I never knew what exactly would set him off.  Even if I had the best intentions, he would never see it that way.  So, I did what anyone would do in that situation.  I went to the two best parents I knew to seek advice:  my own.  They agreed with me that I needed to address this and advised me to focus the conversation solely on my kids.  He didn’t care about what was best for me, but he did care (theoretically) about what was best for the kids.  It wasn't about him.  It wasn't about me.  It was about our kids.  I would be prepared to discuss this the next time I saw him.  God help me.

160 : Take Action

It was October.  11 months after my Ex told me for the first time ever that he was unhappy in our marriage.  10 months after he moved out.  8 months after he filed for divorce.  And a month and a half after my divorce was official.  I was back at my parents house for the weekend.  I had arrived late the night before, and pretty much went straight to bed.  So when I woke up in the morning and saw a large picture of my Ex and I still framed on the wall in my parents home, I felt sick.  I had mentioned this to my mom in the past and I know it was never intentional on my mom's behalf.  Mom, I mean it when I say I know that.  I'm sure it just faded into the background for anyone else that walked into that room.  But for me, I saw it and instantly had a reaction.  And it wasn't one of sadness or anger- it was one of disgust.  My wonderful mom was down in the basement at that very moment entertaining both of my boys- so as I sipped my coffee, I took the frame off the wall and flipped the picture around.  I'd rather see a blank canvas than a reminder of my former life.

159 : It's Good to be Needed

I'm back at my parents house visiting for the weekend.  My goal was to arrive Thursday evening so that both of my boys would travel during their normal bed time and just sleep the whole way.  And for the most part, that's what happened.  But upon arrival, they got excited to see their Grandparents and both in their own ways refused to go back to sleep.  So my aspirations of having them asleep and sitting peacefully with a glass of wine and blogging at my parents house turned into a balancing act of both boys - neither of which willing to give me up whatsoever.  After a failed 'cry it out' attempt with my younger son, I finally gave in.  I whipped this blog together and had to put my machine away for the night.  I was the mom.  I was needed.  And no matter what, I couldn't deny, it was good to be needed.

158 : Sell. Sell. Sell.

I have never been much of a jewelry girl.  Seriously.  I know some women say that and then they have expectations of gifts of big diamonds.  Well I say that and I mean it.  I wore hemp necklaces in college and I was content with one pair of silver hoop earrings for many MANY years.  So when I was dating my Ex initially and he gave me a pair of diamond earrings - it was very unexpected.  I was shocked, but happy to receive them.  This was nothing I had ever asked for (nor did I really care about to be perfectly honest).  But I knew it was something (at the time) that he felt good about giving to me.  So fast forward to our current state of divorce and this pair of earrings that I still had but now felt even less attached to.  I looked around at my legal bills still piling up and realized I had something in my possession that had value to someone other than me.  After a little walking around to several shops, I was offered a decent price and cashed them in.  They had no meaning to me anymore.  I was ready to rid myself of all association to him that I could.  Sell.  Sell.  Sell.  Get it all out.  Start fresh.

157 : Reset

One of the most difficult things about getting a divorce after you have kids is that you are forever connected to that person.  So basically you break up and you are attached to that person through the very best extention of yourself (your children).  It's far more complicated in reality than it sounds.  Fortunately, my Ex and I were both conscious enough of our kids to act cordial in front of them at all times.  And overall, I had learned the best way to deal with my Ex was to practice patience (see post #34 - aka bite my tongue, be the bigger person, take the high road).  I would say that is the route that I took 98% of the time.  But sometimes that son of bitch just pissed me off so much that I couldn't help myself.  I had to push back.  I knew in doing so, I was poking a bear and he would most certainly retaliate.  And that is exactly what happened during one of our most recent exchanges.  It seemed like just a few weeks ago, I was feeling good about our interactions and ability to co-parent (see post #145).  And then the very next time we saw each other there was a heated exchange.  Now just to be clear, there has never been ANY physical abuse whatsoever in this relationship.  I do think, though, there has been verbal abuse on more than one occasion.  This night in particular, somehow we seemed to have a breakdown in a communication resulting in a heated exchange and unnecessary threats.  His pattern had always been to overreact and then follow up with apologies.  And I knew eventually we'd get there.  But I was quickly reminded again at how unhappy he was.  It wasn't worth my time to have him attack me and blow up in response to a minor request.  It wasn't worth me expressing the tiniest bit of frustration or really emotion of any sort in his presence.  He would never NEVER acknowledge how much he had left for me to do, how guilty he felt and how miserable he was inside.  It would always be my fault somehow.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to know that wasn't the case.  I couldn't hold my tongue this last time, but he reaction reminded me to reset and be better prepared next time.  He was just simply not worth it.

156 : Be Fabulous

We all knew that woman.  The fabulous type. The one that was always on time.  Prepared for any situation.  Making perfectly healthy food for herself and her kids.  Working out daily.  Planning creative crafts to do with her kids.  Oh, and did I mention she always looked amazing?  Yes, we all knew someone like that.  And we all had probably cursed that woman on occasion too, while really only trying to conceal our own jealousy.  But the other night, I think I came close to being that  fabulous gal.  I came home from work, so excited to see my kids.  We had been apart over the weekend, so of course we were all anxious to spend some time together.  I got them into their pajamas and was down on the floor with them in a way that seemed effortless (and trust me, that's not always the case).  I was in the moment with them and enjoyed their adorable laughs.  I was calm and patient with them.  I got teeth brushed and had both boys in bed at a decent hour.  And then I threw in 2 loads of laundry.  And it was a Monday!  I had groceries delivered around 8pm and prepared myself a healthy meal of roasted vegetables while also cooking a pot of vegetable soup (delicious and only 2 WW points!)  I felt fabulous at that moment.  Now granted my fabulous may not have been the same as yours, but at that moment, that was how I felt.  I was capable of doing it all.  It didn't always feel easy, but I was doing it!  I was fabulous.  I had mastered self deprivation to an art, so when I actually was that woman, I deserved a little recognition.  Even if it was just on my own blog:)