125 : There will be Growing Pains

For reasons, I won't get into, my Ex was supposed to have the kids this weekend, but he had to cancel.  Of course this happened to coincide with my older son's birthday and I had nothing planned (as I thought they would be with their dad).  Additionally, I was slightly looking forward to having a little relief.  The past week had been exhausting (see posts #123 & #124).  In my Ex's absence, he had offered up his parents to take the boys. I felt torn about this option.  I wanted to have my son with at least one of his parents on his birthday, but I had been working all week, had nothing planned, not even as much as a present purchased.  I already had a growing list of things I was planning to accomplish over the weekend (change out summer clothes for fall clothes, buy new socks & shoes for older son, get birthday gift, etc).  Despite my uncertainty, I did trust his parents would be wonderful with my kids and so I proposed to my Ex what would work best for me and the boys.  He was cool with my proposal.  Now onto the inlaws to coordinate.  The inlaws.  People that you are forced to accept as "family" under marriage despite the fact that they might drive you crazy.  That's just part of the package.  As I had previously written (see post #72), I liked my former inlaws and had become particularly close with my mother in law after I had kids.  There were still ways though in which we were very different.  I was an early bird, organized, and extremely type A.  They were not.  I'm sure my eagerness was just as annoying to them as their more laid back pace was to me. But I had grown to accept this in the past because they were my family.  But it was different now because technically the family had changed.  Yes, I still had to work through logistics with them which wasn't their strong suit.  I found myself getting particularly frustrated as we attempted to work out the exchange of my kids for this weekend. But after a good nights sleep (see post #124) I was able to see that they were adapting to this change as well.  They never wanted their son to leave his family.  They were doing everything they could to maintain a relationship with their grandkids (and with me for that matter).  Turns out we all had growing pains with this situation.  And it wouldn't be the last of them.  I met my mother in law for the 'exchange' and as I watched them drive off, I reminded myself how much she adored.  But more importantly, they adored their grandparents back.  That was all that mattered.

124 : Get a Good Night's Sleep

I'm tired.  I'll have more tomorrow.

123 : You're Doing a Damn Good Job

I'm fried this week.  The first week of school.  The post vacation week. The work is insane week.  The my Ex Husband isn't helping at all week.  Perhaps it's just the perfect storm of situations all lining up but I couldn't deny that it was stressful, overwhelming and exhausting.  I called my friend Nikki tonight to talk through it.  And she definitely made me feel better.  (Thank you, Nikki!)  She helped me process everything and put a plan together for the weekend.  After that conversation I called my mom and explained again the stress of my first week back at work since our vacation.  She listened while I rattled off in great detail about every single thing that was stressing me out.  And then she said

You're doing a damn good job.

She made me repeat it to her out loud.  It was stressful.  It was overwhelming.  And it was exhausting.  But everyone felt that on occasion.  Even those with partners.  I was doing a damn good job right now and I just had to keep on keeping on.  It wouldn't always be this hard.

122 : Take Some Pictures

My parents can attest to this - starting at a young age, I had quite a passion for taking pictures.  Sadly, no not cool artsy pictures.  Just smiley, posed pictures with my friends and family.  I had probably filled 10 photo albums by the time I completed college.  And then I continued to create one every calendar year from there on out.  When I first met my Ex, I put together an album for him of our first year together.  (I made sure to include that along with many of the wedding pics in his boxes when I was packing them up, too.  See post #59)  The months that followed his abrupt departure kind of went dark.  Granted it was in the middle of winter, so even the happiest of people were suffering from seasonal affective disorder at that time.  But for me personally, I didn't have the interest or will power to document my life.  I wasn't ashamed of my life in any way, it just felt noticeably incomplete.  I was empty inside and therefore not capable of documenting so many of those little moments that happened in front of me.  I think I missed many photo opportunities with my younger son.  That's a sin, right?  Well technically no, but still, it was pretty bad.  So then we took this trip out to San Diego and within 2 days I'm tan, happy and back to being the photographer.  When I returned from the trip, I realized I had taken over 100 pics and I hadn't even counted those from my iPhone!  And our family looked good.  The 3 of us were smiling in picture after picture.  I suddenly felt like I had made up for some lost time.  Had I really?  Um, no.  But it felt good to be returning to something that I had always loved doing.  Something that was mine long before I had even met my Ex.  I was getting back to me.  And capturing it along the way.

121 : Prepare for Back to School

It's ironic that my official divorce happened to coincide with the start of the new school year.  Growing up the 'new year' was far more about the start of school in the fall than about the change of numbers in January.  So I was divorced on Friday and then the following Monday my oldest son started pre school.  As the parent, I was probably far more stressed about this than he was.  I talked about school with enthusiasm, sometimes it was met with the same excitement on the other end, more often not.  But as the summer went on, my son began to talk himself into the idea of it.  Yes, he was going to school all by himself.  He told his cousins.  He told my parents.  He was proud of this fact (despite not really knowing what it meant).  So the morning of, we woke up early, I offered every option in the book for breakfast and even though he passed, he was enthusiastic.  He put his uniform on almost immediately and asked when we could go to school.  I thought to myself, this is going to be even easier than I thought!  We arrived at the school with 5 minutes to spare.  We made our way through the crowds, through the parents escorting their kids in, through the people posing in front of the building and to the classroom.  Again, he was pretty even keel.  And then it happened.  The meltdown upon meltdowns that many MANY kids throw on their very first day of school when their parent was about to leave them for the first time.  He was crying the silent cry (you know the one that  is so intense it's completely silent) and he was gripping my shirt for dear life.  The teacher came up to assist and pretty much had to pull his talon like hands from my body.  I slowly turned and backed away, tears forming in my eyes.  He'll be okay, right?  I'm not going to lie- I cursed my Ex at that moment.  For making me do this alone.  For making me solely absorb the pain at the very moment.  Oh well, it probably wouldn't be the last time.  I went down to the office to complete some paper work which took about 10 minutes and then thought I would check in on him one more time.  He'll be okay by now, right?  Nope.  Still crying.  Okay, he will get through this.  Lots of kids have a difficult time adjusting to school.  I left the building and promised myself up and down that he would be okay.  A couple hours later, I returned for the pick up with my nanny and younger son.  As we approached the school we could see my oldest on the playground enjoying himself with the rest of his classmates.  The teacher then gathered everyone into a line to return and then into the building to retrieve their backpacks - my oldest following her instructions obediently.  He didn't see me, but I could see him participating, adjusted, listening to his teacher.  I was overcome with relief.  I had absorbed such fear of abandonment on behalf of my son given what his father had done, that I probably overstressed about the most minor of events.  (Not that the first day of school for a child is a minor event!)  You know what I am saying though.  I was so worried about my kids feeling abandoned, that it made me feel awful to put them in that situation.  But he had survived.  Just like his mother.  So what does a pre schoolers first day of school have to do with me healing my heart post divorce?  So much more than I had ever previously realized.

120 : It Could Always Be Worse

I saw an old friend while I was out in California.  She too had recently gone through a divorce and so the two of us met up for a drink one night with more in common than ever.  The details of our situations were completely different, but there was something comforting in being around someone who had been through it.  Although she had made it through the official legal divorce, my friend continued to have problems with her Ex post divorce.  It was so unfair, she was a great girl and deserved so much better.  I began to feel stressed just in listening to her, so much so, that I found myself feeling almost relieved at my own situation.  Yes, I found myself feeling relieved.  Kind of crazy, huh?  As much as the past year had sucked for me, I was reminded that things could always be worse.  In fact, by comparison, I didn't even have it that bad.  I had made it through the divorce.  My Ex and I were on decent terms.  I was moving forward.  Yes, things could always be worse. I would remember this as I moved forward.

119 : Say Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to my family for a wonderful vacation.  I want to say thank you for helping to get me and my boys out there, both physically and financially.  I want to thank you for finding such an awesome house and for the good meals and stocked beer all week. I want to thank my nephews and my nieces for playing with my kids and making me laugh every day (Alex especially!)  I want to thank my newest nephew, Kingston, for being so frickin' cute that I can't hep but smile when I see him.  I want to thank my mom for letting me sleep in every morning while my kids woke up around or before 5 am PST (and staying up with my younger son from 12-2 one night- the time difference really threw us off!) Thank you to everyone for  letting me get in a couple naps in the afternoon, too. I am returning home feeling very rested. I want to thank everyone for letting me partake in a few too many adult beverages the evening of my divorce without any judgement and for providing IB Profen the next day without any hazing.  I want to thank you all for all the things you didn't say but that I felt just being around you and knowing how loved and supported I was.  I cry every time I part ways with my family after being together for a while.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  And this morning was no different.  But it's not that I am just sad (I mean, yes, I get sad when things end)  it's more that I am in awe of what a wonderful family I have.  I know how lucky I am and it makes me get emotional.  Every time.  Thank you to all of you.  I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for you.

118 : Try Something New

While on vacation, I was able to get out and try something new: paddle boarding.  I had been interested in trying this for a while having seen all the stars doing it in my US Weekly every month.  My sister was game and after securing a groupon (score!) we made plans to ditch our kids one morning and give it a whirl.  We headed to Mission Bay and stopped at the surf shop to pick up our boards and some tips.  The place was a little sketchy, but this was San Diego - life moved at a slower pace around here:) We walked through the alley to get to the bay and within a few minutes we were off.  It was the perfect day - the sun was out, there was a nice breeze - the temperature just perfect for being on the water.  It took us a little while to get the hang of it (due to the direction of the wind, every motion just seemed to turn us in circles) but we got there.  And I only bit it 3 times...yes my sister didn't fall at all (hey- if you don't fall then you are trying hard enough!). It was a great morning.  Getting out and trying something new felt right as I was starting my new life.

117 : Get Divorced

Well, today was the day. I'd thought about this day (and post) for months and now that it was here, I didn't really feel anything. I was certainly not happy about the situation but I was no longer sad. If anything, I think I just felt sorry for my Ex -not that he deserved it- but just the same that's how I felt. I thought about him standing alone in the courtroom while I enjoyed my final day in San Diego surrounded by my family. I thought about how neither of my sons had referenced their dad once in the week that we'd been on vacation and how that wasn't even abnormal. I thought about how much he'd missed out on with his kids- how rapidly they were growing and changing each day. This was truly his loss and after months of processing everything I could see that now more clearly than ever. So it was finally official- I was divorced. I had survived it all and I was just fine. I would continue to be just fine. Cheers to the future!

116 : Take the Day Off

Give me a break, I'm on vacation!!

115 : Keep the Family Ties

While on vacation on the west coast, I made plans to see my sister-in-law (my soon to be ex husband's older sister).  I can't say that we were super close, but we had geography working against us. She always reached out and made the effort to stay in touch. She sent birthday cards and Christmas gifts.  And after hearing the news of what was happening with our marriage, she emailed me that I would always be her sister.  It was very sweet, especially since I could probably count the number of times I had seen her on one hand. But I appreciated her thoughtfulness.  We made plans for her to come visit us in San Diego.  Her family had yet to meet my youngest and had not seen my oldest since he was a baby.  I invited them to come over to the house in which we were staying.  The cousins could play together, there was a pool here, it would be fun and easy. She agreed without hesitation and showed up the second day of our trip.  I can say with complete honesty, there was nothing the slightest bit awkward about seeing her, even if she was the sister of my husband (soon to be ex).   My kids warmed up to her kids and we all seemed to enjoy our time together.  I invited them to stay for dinner, but they had to head home, the kids had school in the morning.  As we went to say good bye, she told me to please let her know if I ever needed anything as tears swelled up in her eyes.  We didn't really have a chance to talk about anything, which was probably good, but she was obviously still very upset about what had happened between her brother and I.  I saw her crying, but I did not feel sad. I will say that again, I did not feel sad. I felt appreciative we had been able to see each other and catch up. But her tears did not make me feel sad for myself in any way at all. Instead, I was reminded me how loved I was.  Even by my sister-in-law.  I took my reaction to be a step in the right direction. I'd continue going that way.

114 : Head to the Cliffs

I was able to enjoy something the other day that I was rarely able to experience: time to myself. I was on vacation with my sons and entire family but I was still able to sneak in a little "me" time.  My youngest was napping, my oldest was occupied by Nana, so I put on my running shoes for a little run to start my day. It began a little comical - the streets in Ocean Beach were very hilly and I found myself challenged by the upward route.  I caught myself thinking- Really? After the year I've had, another upward climb? I'm trying to do something good for myself, give me a break!  But I kept on, even though my run had turned into more of a walk. I made my way up the hill, around the corner and before I knew it, I could see the ocean.  I kept on, making my way down to sunset cliffs. I'm not sure if it was a sign or just complete coincidence, but the Bob Segar song on Pandora suddenly felt like it was speaking directly to me...

Roll, roll me away, 

I'm gonna roll me away tonight 
Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin', 
Keep searchin' till I find what's right 
And as the sunset faded 
I spoke to the faintest first starlight 
And I said next time 
Next time 
We'll get it right

I have no idea what that song is about- I don't know if I've even liked it before that moment. But I would forever be a fan after this.

113 : Meet a New Man

I know what you are thinking...what's his name, right?  Well, the someone new wasn't quite a man yet- it was my new nephew, Kingston.  He was beautiful. He burrowed into me as I held him for the first time.  I thought about how the last time I had been to San Diego was just 2 weeks after my oldest son had been born for my brothers wedding.  And now fast forward 3 years later and look where life had taken us.  It was definitely not where I thought I was going, but life was funny like that.  It sure kept you on your feet!  And now this new little character was entering into our lives.  He was the 1st grandchild on one side, the 6th grandchild on our side and the 4th grandson in our family. I loved him immediately.  As we all fawned over him that night, wondering who he looked like, commenting on how much hair he had and what a perfectly shaped head he had - I was reminded once again at how magical life really could be.

112 : Take a Vacation Part 2

We arrived in San Diego earlier today where we would spend the week.  It was a family vacation but my family was cool so I was excited to be here with everyone.  The beauty of this trip was how it happened to coincide with the ending of my marriage.   It hadn't been planned that way, but it made the escape all the more enjoyable.  I was surrounded by supportive people who loved me.  This is exactly what I needed. It was going to be a great week.

111 : Get a Court Date

The word came this week that we had a court date for Friday, August 23rd.  I would not be in town (and had no plans to attend regardless) but as of next Friday I would be officially divorced.  It made me kind of sick to think about, even though I knew ultimately this is what we had been working towards.  I had accepted my fate and I was ready to move onto better things.  I now I had an end date so I could officially start my new life.

110 : Get Some Perspective

2013 had proved to be a challenging year so far.  My husband had told me he was unhappy. And then he moved out, when my kids were only 6 months and 2 years old.  He filed for divorce.  And then for a variety of reasons, we spent months dragging this divorce process out through our attorneys.  Challenging year indeed!  I was still here though.  I continued to wake up every day- be there for my kids- go to work- and come home every night.  So, somehow I was getting through.  And then the other week, I went in for a mammogram.  I'm probably a little young still to start having these, but since cancer does run in my family, my doctor suggested I start.  I had no fear walking into the appointment.  After what I've been through this year- nothing could touch me, right?  The radiologist warned me that since this was my first mammogram, I may be called back in for a second one so they had something to compare it to.  This was very common.  I will say that again.  This was very common.  So, why I felt sick to my stomach when I received the call they wanted to me come back in?  I'm not sure.  I reminded myself that this was very common, just as the radiologist had told me.  It still made me feel sick though.  Here I had spent the past 8 months reclaiming my life, getting back on my feet and focusing myself towards the future, only to learn I have cancer?  (okay- I admit, I'm jumping ahead here- that had in NO way been determined yet).  I would go back in 2 weeks to have a follow up mammogram.  In the meantime, I would remember how all my emotions as they related to my divorce in particular- anger, sadness, fear, you name it- how they were just simply not worth it.  The marriage was done and to be honest, I think I had reached a point where I was okay with that.  Life was moving on, and I would take on whatever came my way.  Cancer- you want to Fuck with me?  I dare you!  After what I had been through this past year, there was nothing NOTHING that was going to slow me down.

109 : Watch ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

While this may sound strange, even my television choices were sometimes painful after my husband left me.  There were certain shows that had been 'ours'.  I still watched them to fill my time (see post #20) but there was always that association to him.  This was something we had watched together.  This was our show.  Since we were no longer together, it hurt to be reminded of that.  More recently, a friend told me to check our 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix.  I watched 2 episodes and was immediately hooked.  It was the first time in 8 months, that I had actually gotten into a new series that was solely mine.  It was liberating!  I felt like I was taking ownership of my life in a new- and admittedly very tiny- way.  But it was ownership none the less.  This was just further proof that I was moving on, and it felt good.

108 : Go Back to Your Therapist

I had first gone to see a therapist back in December when my husband told me he was unhappy (see post #7).  Fast forward 8 months and I felt like almost a completely different person.  So much had transpired since the start of the year.  As I entered my most recent appointment, we returned to the room where we had first met and with that came a flood of emotion in remembering that first session.  Before I knew it, somehow I was crying again- yes I had come so far, but I was also only human.  It was still crazy in so many ways to process what had happened over the past year.  There was a time when I NEEDED to see my therapist every week and now I had advanced onto just monthly sessions for minor 'tune ups'.  Among all the things we discussed in the session most recently, there were 3 things that stuck out to me.  1)  My therapist reminded me that all the feelings I was having as I faced uncertainty of what my future held were completely normal.  It was healthy to feel anxious, excited and afraid all at the same time.  2) My therapist acknowledged that through all of this, I seemed to have kept my sense of humor.  I took this to be a huge compliment.  I've always liked to think I'm pretty funny, so I'm proud that even my therapist could recognize this in me.  I know that humor has helped me get through much of this and it felt good to be reminded I still had it.  3) I had gotten significantly better since our very first meeting.  I had accepted that my marriage was over.  I may be sad about it for a long time, but I was no longer in denial. I had made some progress.  I told her as I left my session that of all the things we discussed that day it would be those 3 things that I would take away with me.  And I did.

107 : We're Almost There, Right?

Well, I got home from work the other day only to find another invoice for $1000 from my attorney.  (Yes, I know it's tacky to talk about money like that, but this is MY blog so if you are offended, then stop reading.  Okay wait - come back- I don't have that many readers and don't want to lose you- please just finish reading this post and know that I will be conscious on how I speak of money moving forward).  Yes, $1000 for the past month of legal activity.  It was sickening.  I won't go into details about the total amount I had spent up to this point, but I will say it kept me up at night.  It was hard enough to have to deal with this situation emotionally, but the price tag at the end just added to the sting.  I called my mom to vent.  I knew that there was nothing really to say at this point, but I still needed to get it out.  She reminded me were almost there.  I had signed the papers (see post #76).  He had finally signed the papers.  Now we were just waiting for the final court date to prove it up.  And then it would be done.  It sounded so simple- which also made me feel sick- but I knew that the worst of it was behind me.  We were almost there.  It was almost over.  And I had a fresh start on the horizon.

106 : Take a Deep Breath

My husband (soon to be ex) and I had gotten into the pattern of trading off the kids every other weekend.  Initially, I was very uncomfortable at the thought of not having my boys - even if it was just for a day or two.  But as time went on, I began to discover there were some benefits to having time to myself (see posts #58 and #90).  It was a big change for all of us.  It was difficult for me to watch the boys leave with their Dad.  I often made plans those days, so I wouldn't have to see it.  When I had to be there though, it never seemed to get easier to watch them go away without me.  And it was hard on the days they returned as well.  The boys tended to whine and cry more on those days.  They had a more difficult time going to sleep.  They were more challenging (this applied just to my older son, but I'm sure the younger one wasn't far behind).  I found those evenings to be some of my most strenuous ones.  In many ways it was a blessing because I was instantly reminded of how loved and needed I was.  But it was also a bit of a punishment because I hadn't seen them all weekend.  This was a transition for all of us and it would take time for us to get into our rhythm.  On those nights especially, I tried my best to be patient, take a deep breath and go with the flow.  And if that wasn't enough, there was always had a nice stash of Sauv Blanc in the fridge.

105 : Believe

This past June, I was out with some friends on a Friday night enjoying a little happy hour.  It was shortly after the Blackhawks had won the Stanley Cup, and we were talking about how another friend of ours was planning to 'chase the cup' that whole weekend.  Of the three of us, none of us could understand this mentality.  I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I could admit it was sweet when your city won anything.  Just as we were discussing the Stanley Cup- that very moment, it appeared in front of us.  The coach, Joel Quenneville, entered the bar and raised the cup as the crowd erupted.  As I just admitted, I have never been a huge hockey fan, but this was awesome.  We followed the cup around the corner for a minute and then back.  It was a short little parade.  And then it took a spot at one of the tables in the bar for people to admire closer and get their picture taken with it.  I turned to my friends and screamed, I BELIEVE!  (To this day, we still laugh about that).  It was so crazy though.  We had just been talking about it and suddenly it appeared.  I believed it was a sign.  I didn't know what the sign necessarily was telling me yet, but I still believed.

104 : Listen to Eddie Vedder's "Rise"

Such is the way of the world
Can't ever know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fall (fold)
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in hole

103 : Note Your Progress Part 2

Well, I was 8 months into the year and what a year it had been so far.  To recap, my husband had left me.  I had hit rock bottom, and then slowly began crawling my way out.  I was on the upstream now, so much so that I had joined the Tinder world of "dating" (see post #89).  I had several guys that I had been 'matched' with but there were 2 in particular that really stuck out to me.  The first was James.  I recognized him rather quickly as a former cast member of The Real World many many years ago. (Yes, I have a sick memory like that).  I actually remember thinking he was cute years ago when I watched the show.  Fast forward now to the oddest introduction I had ever known.  Through text messages, I slowly got to know him a little.  He was flirty, fun, texted regularly and was most likely trouble but he made me smile. And then there was Kevin. He was a law student studying to take the bar exam (hot!).  He was definitely slower to interact (he was studying!) but he seemed to be making a genuine effort to get to know me and offered quite a bit about himself, his family, etc.  I was surprised at how quickly I began to enjoy talking with my new boyfriends - 2 people that I had never even met and had no plans to meet anytime soon- but they gave me attention and were a nice distraction.  And then one day, my app stopped working.  Yup, it just stopped.  I was locked out for hours and after several attempts to log in, I was finally permitted to enter only to find my matches had been erased.  Oh no.  Not James and Kevin.  This was a tragedy.  I spent the next 3 days reaching out to Tinder IT (which I envisioned as 2 kids smoking weed in an apartment while they were fielding complaints- who expected this to be so popular?) resetting my account, resetting my phone, turning my phone on and off, trying my account through another friend's phone and finally deleting my account all together only to create a new one.  None of which worked.  I was so disappointed.  I was just starting to have some fun.  Why oh why was this happening to me?  And then I caught myself in that moment, realizing what I was upset about.  Yes, my husband had blindsided me with ending our marriage only 8 short months ago and here I was now acting as though the worst thing ever to happen to me was to lose contact with 2 men that were in reality complete strangers.  It made me smile to think about.  I had made some progress.  I would still be working on getting the app back up and running but for now, the progress was enough.

102 : Take the Help

The other week, my boys caught a nasty virus and were down for a couple days.  While I had plans lined up for the weekend, this immediately wiped those off the calendar.  We had been planning to go out to my friend's new house in the burbs.  Our kids got a long perfectly, and it would be a nice escape for me as well.  And then the boys got sick and I couldn't expose others to this or risk my own kids getting worse.  This would make for a long weekend when there was nothing on the docket so naturally, I began to panic.  Coincidentally, my mother had been in town visiting and I happened to express to her my anxiety about the upcoming weekend.  I really hadn't expected her to stay with me through the weekend, I was just vocalizing my concern and she happened to be there.  But of course in hearing my fears,  she offered to stay to help me. I suppose that technically I didn't need her to stay, but I wanted her too.  It would be easier and far more enjoyable to have her here.  I just wanted a little help.  So when I got the offer, I took it.

101 : Put Family First

My apologies.  My cousin was in town visiting last night from Seattle and I lost track of time.  No, we did not go out and get totally hammered (although the thought did cross my mind).  Instead we hung out at my apartment, split a bottle of wine and had a couple hours of wonderful, fresh conversation.  She was a good seed (well of course she was- we were cut from the same cloth, right?)  Despite our minor age difference, her perspective and self assurance reminded me of myself at a younger age (and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible to both of us.)  She told me how she had always admired me- my confidence, my independence, my professional success.  She reminded me, that I was still that person, which was nice to hear.   Don't worry, it wasn't all about me.  She had some fun updates to share with me on her life as well.  Anyway, when I finally called her a cab to take her back to her hotel, I learned it was much MUCH later than I had originally thought, therefore leaving me no time to deliver on my post.  I realized that my choices earlier in the night to prioritize my family over my blog was inspiration enough to note.  I knew my 50,000 followers would be craving a little more today (okay, so 50,000 was that reaching a bit) but my message remained the same.  I put my family first.  And the payoff was worth the investment.

100 : Give Yourself Some Credit

Well I had officially written and posted 100 ways to get back to you.  And I was still going.  They weren't all funny.  Some weren't even well written, but I was still proud. When I looked back and read some of my earlier posts, I immediately recognized how far I had come.  I knew I was the same person, but I had already grown so much that many of the emotions I felt in the beginning were no longer present.  I gave myself a mental pat on the back. That a girl!

99 : Good Things Will Come

Well I may not have won the Powerball yet, (see post # 97) but something good still came my way.  My nephew.  My brother and his wife welcomed their first child this morning, a healthy baby boy.  They resided across the country in California, while the rest of our family was in the midwest.  But my brother was so cute about keeping us all informed.  He sent the text that they were at the hospital.  He kept us updated about their progress, complimenting his wife throughout the whole thing.  He stayed up all night in nervous anticipation.  And then as soon as the baby arrived, he texted picture after picture.  While it was killing me to not be closer to immediately meet the little guy, I could feel the love and pride oozing out of my brother despite the distance.  It made my day.  Not only to hear of my nephew's safe arrival but also to witness my brother so completely enamored with his new son.  Yes, good things continued to come every day.  And I knew that even more would come.  I would just keep on keeping on and things would all work out as they should.

98 : Enjoy Where You Are in the Moment

Live in the present and enjoy where you are in the moment.  This was important to remember  for anyone on a journey to find happiness (Yes, I just used the word 'journey' and I do cringe slightly in saying that.  Chris Harrison has ruined it for me but it makes sense here!)   Seriously though, it was so easy to put a condition on your happiness.  Things will be better when we have more money.  Things will be better when I have a bigger place to live.  Things will be better when...(insert here).  Things could always be better.  But life was still moving forward every day and it was important to remember that and live in the moment before it slipped away.  Just the other day, I had told my mom how the next 4 things I wanted in my life were a house, a dog, a husband and a little girl.  I didn't even care what order they came in (I could adopt a little girl from China on my own!)  But even as I said it, I kind of laughed to myself because I knew how ridiculous it sounded.  I was doing just fine for myself and you know what?  I was happy.  We had enjoyed a wonderful morning.  I woke up well rested and ready to start the day.  We went over to Lincoln Park and took a long walk around the Nature Boardwalk.  Then we went to the zoo.  The weather was absolutely perfect - not too hot, not too cold,  and the sun was shining down on us.  We had a picnic lunch in the Lincoln Park Conservatory Garden.  And then on our way back to the car, we stopped at the Green City Market to listen to some musicians jam for a few minutes.  It was literally such a pleasant morning.  And I took it all in.  I still had no idea what my future looked like but instead of worrying about that, I would just enjoy where I was right now.

97 : Try Your Luck

Well the Powerball was nearing 300 million, why not give it a try?  I had certainly endured my fair share of back luck over the past year.  I was due for something good.  And I believed in karma which meant that if I held my head up, carried on and continued to be a good person, then good things would come to me.  Powerball winner or not, I truly did believe that good things were coming and better days were ahead.  Looking back, I could say with confidence I had come a long way.  While I had not ever wanted to get a divorce, I could see now how this was the best thing for me.  I wanted more for myself.  And for my kids.  Winning the Powerball most definitely wouldn't solve all of my problems in life.  But it wouldn't necessarily hurt either.  And if it truly was a game of luck, then why not?  I had nothing to lose.

96 : Get a Hot New Haircut

Get a hot new haircut...what more needs to be said?  There was something about getting your hair cut that just felt good.  Even if there was no major drama in your life at the time, the process of getting a haircut was always a treat (well, for me at least!)  But the other day, I took it one step further.  It wasn't just your normal maintenance or trim.  It was a new style.  It was a new do.  It was a new me, so why not?  (Of course at the heart of it, it was the same me, but you are following, I'm sure).  There was something just so incredibly empowering about getting a new do.  I felt free!  I was starting over in my life and now I had a new look to go on.  Watch out world, here I come.

95 : Don't Take Any Shit

So I know from day 1, I claimed that this was going to be a positive blog.  And I feel I've stayed true to that for the most part.  But today I need to do a little bashing in order to get to my positive message.  I hope you can bare with me.

As you know by now, my husband (soon to be ex) and I were in the midst of a divorce.  While this was only my first divorce, the process itself seemed to be taking a ridiculously long time, given he and I had pretty much agreed to the terms from day 1.  I won't go into specifics, but I will say the most basic of exchanges seemed to be very delayed in getting a response.  We had been through multiple rounds of the settlement agreement and finally had completed the document to my liking.  I then signed the papers (see post #76) and they were sent over to opposing counsel.  I told my husband (soon to be ex) the day this was done, thinking it would only be a matter of days before he too signed the papers.  Days passed.  A week.  Then two weeks.  I followed up with both my husband (soon to be ex) and my attorney only to find out that nothing had been done.  My attorney was reaching out to opposing counsel again.  When it neared almost a month after the papers had been signed, I decided to call my husband (soon to be ex) to discuss this with him.  Our exchanges had been straight forward and factual as of late.  I wouldn't say they were pleasant, but there had been no arguing. So of course we could touch base on where the divorce stood, right?  Surely he too would want this to be over soon- every exchange either of us had with our attorneys was costing us by the hour.  (And again, we had agreed on the terms since day 1!)  We covered some details about the kids when we first got on the phone.  And then I asked him the status of everything.  The response was inappropriately matched with the question.  I immediately heard anger on the other end.  He began shouting and swearing at the top of his lungs.  As a friend described, it was like a raccoon trapped in a corner that was hissing his way out.  I thought we should've been able to have a civil conversation, but clearly I misjudged the situation.  I tried to temper the exchange, which only made him all the more furious.  F**k it.  I told him he didn't get to speak to me that way and hung up.  I would pay the attorneys whatever it took to get this resolved.  I had enough stress in my life, I didn't need this shit.