94 : Get Your House in Order

So often, the word divorce was associated with an ending.  I mean, I know that's what is was-the end of a marriage.  But over the past couple months, I began to think of it as the beginning.  The beginning of a new life.  The opportunity to start over fresh.  It was reassuring to me, when I framed it up that way.  Part of the starting over for me, was to get my house in order.  And by house, I mean the business, the papers, the bills, the finances, the bottom line.  Truthfully, I had always been the one to head up this part, but I had a partner in the past to make decisions with me, to get a gut check from and to help guide me.  Although I capable of taking care of this, I felt more comfortable knowing the responsibility wasn't mine alone.  And then my husband left me.  And I suddenly had some extreme changes coming my way (some incoming, some outgoing) and I needed advice on how to best move forward.  I wanted to believe that my husband (soon to be ex) would make good on all the promises he was legally making to me.  But I also wanted to be prepared should something fall through, so I didn't find myself in a bind.  I reached out to a financial advisor to look at everything.  For a fee, she would prepare plans for me regarding my daily cash flow, my retirement and my education savings.  It may not have been what I needed at that exact moment (another fee) but it felt good to get it all in order.  I was starting fresh.  I was planning for the future.  My future.  And it felt good.

93 : Be Inspired by Others

I was watching the CBS Sunday morning show the other day, and saw a segment that really struck a cord with me.  It was the story of photographer, Mark Hirsch.  He spoke about the challenges life had thrown him, and how he became lost.  While his situation was not at all related to mine, I was inspired at his ability to heal himself.  He randomly took a photo of a tree near his home, and turned it into a year long photography project called, "That Tree".  The photos themselves were beautiful, but for me it was the story of healing and renewal that was the most powerful.  It was so simple.  It was just a picture of a tree.  But through creativity and persistence, he was able to turn it into something magical.  I was encouraged in watching this to know that it was possible.  I was trying to get there myself, and while I hadn't yet arrived, this was just the motivation I needed to keep going.

92 : Get a Mani/Pedi

So what woman didn't enjoy going for a manicure/pedicure?  Not many.  I will say though, that since I had kids, this was not quite the same.  I always felt like there was never enough time.  So much so, that if I actually had time or made time to go get my nails done, I often felt stressed that I needed to quickly finish to get back to the kids (or to work:).  The stress always seemed to outweigh the pleasure in going.  And then my husband left me.  And suddenly I found myself alone every other weekend, with all the time in the world.  I did my best to learn how to enjoy time to myself (see post #58 & #90).  One of those ways, was to treat myself to a mani/pedi.  There was nothing to rush home for, so I could bring my US Weekly and literally zone out.  I found the zoning to be almost more of a treat than the mani/pedi itself.  Getting my nails done wasn't going to heal my heart necessarily, but doing something for myself was a step in the right direction.

91 : Write a Letter to Your Child

I decided a few weeks back to start a new tradition for my kids (see post #79).  I would write them a letter every year on their birthday.  I went to Target and found the perfect leather journals for each of them - blue for Jack, green for Rory.  Now I just needed to sit down and write.


Dear Rory,

Happy Birthday!  You are 1!!! It still blows my mind that you are already 1- the time has flown by.  This year has been a very different year for me.  As you will learn one day, your father and I ended our marriage when you were only 6 months old.  I won't go into specifics about that- but I want you to know it had nothing to do with you or Jack.  I was very sad that things happened this way- and if it wasn't for you and your brother, I don't know how I would've gotten through this.  You gave me strength.  You showered me with love.  You warmed my heart.  I love you so very much and I am so thankful I have you.  You are a very VERY easy baby.  You are extremely chill and you are always happy.  If you ever do cry, I know something is wrong because you are always so easy going.  You have a great appetite.  I worry I won't be able to keep up with it as you get older:) You love all food- veggies, fruit, you name it.  Oh- you don't like cottage cheese though:)  Sometimes I tease Jack that you will be bigger than him one day because he will only eat 2 bites then run off to play and you will sit for 30 minutes eating.  You and Jack are already good buddies.  You laugh at him all the time.  He tries to wrestle with you at times and it makes me very nervous (you are a baby!) but you just laugh the whole time.  You guys share a room right now and you are by far the better sleeper.  Please don't change!  I put you to bed between 6:30-7 and you sleep until 7:30 in the morning.  You are not walking yet but are very close.  You will pull yourself up and take a few steps by holding onto something.  I don't know how I will keep up with you both once you are officially mobile!  When I was pregnant with you, I wondered what it would be like to have 2 kids.  I didn't understand how I could love anything else the way I loved Jack.  And then you arrived.  And I just felt it immediately.  I think I grow more in love with you every single day.  When I walk into your room in the morning and you are sitting in your crib- you get a big smile on your face as you see me.  I look forward to that every day.  And then at night, when I come home from work, you see me, cruise across the room and climb on me.  It's the best part of my day.  We are a team - you, Jack and I.  And there is no other place in the world I would rather be.  

Thank you for all the happiness you've brought into my life.

I love you.

Love,
Mom

90 : Enjoy Time to Yourself (Part 2)

Well, I must have been making some progress because as the weekend approached, I began to feel excited at the thought of having time to myself.  Yes, I had a never ending to do list.  Yes, I had wonderful friends that wanted to hang with me.  Yes, I have a healthy group of colleagues that would've been happy to grab drinks that Friday after work. But it was just nice to know that I had that weekend to myself and I didn't have to plan a damn thing.  I could decide at the last second.  I spent every day planning everything down to a T with my kiddos- I loved the thought of just seeing what I felt like doing and doing it in that moment.  This was so strange for me.  But as a result of all of this, I was changing in certain ways and this was one.  I liked having time to myself.  I looked forward to it.  I needed it.  And having that time made me all the better when my kids returned.

89 : Get Your Flirt On

People always said, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO MEET YOUR HUSBAND IN A BAR.  Well that was just ridiculous.  I had several friends who proved that wrong.  I met my husband in a strip joint for crying out loud (not that I was by any means an example to follow).  Let's be honest though, things had changed a bit since I was last in the dating scene.  Meeting someone in a bar at 37 (as a single mom with 2 little kids) was not the same as meeting someone in your 20's.  In truth, I hadn't thought all that much about dating.  I mean, I thought about it in that I wanted to meet someone else and I hoped that through friends I would be eventually be introduced to a good guy.  But the whole process of trying to meet guys, going out on dates, the not knowing, the games.  Oh god, I hated the thought of having to go through all of that again.  There was online dating.  And yes, I needed to be open minded but for some reason, I wasn't quite ready to go there yet.  (Technically, I was still married, so try explaining that one on eHarmony).  A friend at work told me about Tinder- the dating app that used your phone's GPS to match you with people in your area.  By simply viewing a couple pictures you could decide whether or not you "liked" someone.  If you both "liked" each other, then you were a match.  And if you were a match, then you could text back and forth within the app.  Yes, this was the new world of  "dating".  Texting back and forth with a perfect stranger that you may have thought was cute based on a picture.  (And hopefully it was really them and not some freak pulling a manta te'o!)  At first I thought- this is just what the world needs.  Even less personal communication!  But then I realized, this WAS just what I needed.  No commitment.  No rush.  I could respond if/when I wanted to and ignore or block if need be.  All they saw was my name, age and a couple pictures.  Single moms everywhere- this was it!  You could be sitting at home on your couch with a glass of wine, having a little fun flirting and getting some attention at the same time.  Why hadn't I thought of this?

88 : Cook Some Shrimp

365 ways to get back to you?  Well for me, eating shrimp was definitely one of them.  My husband (soon to be ex) was extremely allergic to shrimp.  Extremely Allergic.  This was unfortunate for me because I loved seafood.  I know, I know.  When you're happy and in love you are more than willing to make sacrifices for that person.  It's not like I couldn't ever eat shrimp (or scallops, clams, crab or mussels)  but I certainly couldn't cook them at home.  And even when I did eat them if we were out, there was always a conscious effort to make sure nothing came even close to him, so it's not like it was all that enjoyable.  And then my husband left me.  And suddenly I had the freedom to cook shrimp at home again.  Now mind you, this was not the first thing that crossed my mind. But I did think of it one day and from there on out, I made an effort to make a shrimp dish almost every week.  It wasn't out of anger. It wasn't out of spite.  It was just another step in reclaiming my life.  So I worked shrimp back onto the regular menu and I've got to say, it never tasted so good!

87 : Get a Divorce Mix

Okay, we've all done the break up mix before so why not have the same thing for your divorce?  Music therapy was a very powerful thing me.  When I was angry, I could feed that mood through songs.  When I was sad, I could play the soundtrack that encouraged me to be sad.  And when I was feeling like I was getting a little bit of my groove back, well, there were some pop hits that fed into that, too.  Fortunately for me, I was lucky enough to have a friend make my divorce mix for me.  I never would've thought to do this on my own, so thank goodness I had people looking out for me.  (If you don't have anyone in your life to proactively do this for you, then do it for yourself.  You deserve it!  I promise you'll thank me).  This was the soundtrack of my life right now and I would listen to it as long as I needed to.
Loudly.

86 : Just Go For It

I had been back to work for a couple weeks (see post #43) when the company email was sent out regarding annual performance reviews.  I hated reviews.  Why?  I'm not sure.  I was good at my job.  I'm not trying to be arrogant either, just confidently speaking the truth- I was good at my job.  But for some reason, the thought of reviews always made my stomach churn.  I didn't enjoy trying to quantify my value every year for a small (if any) payoff in return.  This was the profession I had chosen though.  Advertising!  A field that offered excellent benefits, a ridiculous amount of paid time off, a refrigerator stocked with beer every Thursday but very little money for the raise pool.  I was always fair in my self appraisal - I acknowledged my efforts and shortcomings but took the least amount of time to do so because I knew it wouldn't change the outcome all that much.  Well screw it.  Not this year.  My whole life had changed this year - who knew where I would even be a year from now?  What did I have to lose?  I wrote myself a glowing review, highlighting a snapshot of my many MANY contributions over the past year.  And then I took it one step further.  I wrote out a goal of getting promoted to a VP in the next year.  I know, it may have seemed like a long shot, I had just spent some time off from work on a LOA (see post #6).  But, I felt stronger and more capable coming back.  This was something I felt I wanted to work towards and I hoped it would be considered a realistic goal- not for today, but in the future.  I wasn't sure if this would cause my boss to a) laugh b) be pissed off or c) agree.  I expected the first or second, but decided I couldn't let the fear of her reaction stop me from saying what I wanted.  All I could do was put it out there and see where it went.  One thing I had learned this year was that life was too short to settle for anything less.

85 : Have Dinner with an Old Friend

The other night, I had dinner with my oldest friend.  We met somewhere around age 7 and 30 years later, we remained close.  Despite the fact that we were living in separate states, we kept in touch pretty regularly.  She was aware of everything going on in my world, and I tried my best to keep up with her world (although, admittedly at the time I was not as good as she was).  She came into town the other week for a visit, and as tradition we had planned to partake in a good meal.  We headed to our destination, ordered our first cocktail (Moscow Mule) and started with the black eyed peas appetizer that had been raved about on Yelp. No matter how much time had passed, we were always able to pick things up again right where we left off.  And I always loved seeing her.  It was like therapy.  She listened, challenged me, grounded me, offered advice and always brought a fresh point of view on things.   As we moved onto our 2nd cocktail (Pimm's Cup) we shared the most recent updates in our lives.  How I valued this time together and I knew she felt the same way.  It was so fun to catch up (over a great meal!) and get a little perspective on life from someone that wasn't as close to it on a daily basis. After the 3rd drink (wine...of course!) we wrapped up.  The night had been just what I needed.

84 : Look to Those Who Have Been Through It

There was a guy I worked with who went through a nasty divorce a few years back.  He was a good guy and I liked working with him, but I wasn't all that close with him outside of work. I am not privy to all the details of their separation, but from what I understand, the woman he married turned out to be someone very different than who he thought she was.  They divorced just after a couple years of being married and I remember feeling sad for him when I heard this news.  Years later he began dating someone from work.  She was great.  One of those women that everyone liked, immediately.  She was happy.  Sincere.  A ray of sunshine.  I often smiled to myself as I saw them together knowing what he had been through.  Good for him.  And then my husband left me.  I took of leave of absence from work (see post #6).  I needed time to process and heal.  Eventually, I returned to work (see post #43) and learned that not only was this couple still together, but they were in the process of moving in together.  I didn't even know either of them all that well, but in looking at them you could just tell they were truly happy together.  I reminded myself how he too had gone through a painful divorce and now he was on the other side of it all with a wonderful, better partner.  It made me happy to see them.  It reminded me there were good people out there and things happened for a reason.  I still didn't know what this all meant for me, but I felt reassured that maybe one day I would.

83 : Celebrate Life's Big Moments

Today was my younger son's first birthday.  The first birthday was a milestone to note for any child but for me this one felt so much more significant.  So much had happened in the past year, it was literally mind blowing.  One year ago, during the weekend of the British Open, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy.  My husband was by my side, holding my hand, kissing my forehead and acknowledging this amazing miracle that had entered our life.  Within a matter of 6 months, it had all changed.  My husband first told me he was unhappy. And then he told me he was going to move out.  I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.  I was sitting on the couch, nursing my 6 month old infant while silent tears ran down my face.  A month later he filed for divorce.  While I was so completely devasted about him leaving us, life still continued to progress.  I had a lot on my plate, and often people commented on how they couldn't believe I was doing it all alone.  I was taking care of two kids all by myself.  But the truth was, they were taking care of me.  Their smiles.  Their laughter.  Their love, the most pure and real affection that one could find.  It helped heal me every day.  In some ways, I felt like the events of the past year, while tragic had made this incredible, unbreakable bond between my sons and I that may not have ever been.  And now my youngest was 1.  He had made it.  We had made it.  We were not the same unit as when we started, but it many ways we were better.  And from my perspective, that was a something to celebrate.

82 : Get A New Ring

As I already mentioned, I hated taking my ring off (see post #69).  I felt naked walking around without it on my finger.  I mentioned this to a fellow divorcé friend of mine and she totally understood.  She told me about how she had purchased a new ring for herself when she got divorced and suggested I do the same.  It was something I had been thinking about for a while, but had yet to actively move on.  And then one unsuspecting day, I just came across it.  During my divorce weekend (see post #78) we were out shopping in some antique stores and I stopped to admire their jewelry.  And there I saw it.  The perfect ring.  It wasn't meant for my ring finger specifically, but rather fit better on my middle finger (go figure!).  I loved it immediately and when I tried it on for size, I just knew.  How ironic that I found this during my divorce weekend, too?  Life was headed in a new direction.

81 : Feel Sorry for Yourself

Anyone going through an enormous life change could attest to the fact that there would be good days and there would be bad days.  In the beginning, I was stuck in the deep dark smog of sadness and depression that came along with the initial discovery.  As time passed though, I began to have good days.  There was always the occasional set back here and there, but for the most part, I had accepted this fate and was determined to move forward.  But as the official divorce grew closer, I noticed the anxiety and depression were slowing increasing again.  The end was near- I had just gone away with my girlfriends for a divorce weekend (see post #78) to celebrate this, but it still wasn't official.  There continued to be emails from attorneys.  Court orders to take an online parenting class.  And waiting.  The god damned waiting game that haunted me more than anything.  I felt especially depressed one night after the weekend with my friends.  I was reminded at how lonely I was in the evenings having spent the weekend surrounded by friends.  No matter how strong or positive I tried to be, some days I just felt was sad and wanted to feel sorry for myself.  I hated it, but it was true.  I took a hot shower that night and then went to bed.  Things always looked better in the morning.

80 : Dust Off the Running Shoes

Before I left for my divorce weekend (see post #78), Megs told me to pack my running shoes.  It had been a long time since I had last run.  I was out of shape.  I didn't even know if I could run anymore.  But I listened to her and obediently packed the shoes in my bag.  Friday morning we woke, had our coffee and then decided it was time.  I got myself ready, did a minute of stretching and off we went.  It was funny how I had run a marathon just a few short years ago, and here I was now intimidated with the idea of running 2 miles.  But I tried.  We started slow and made our way down to the beach before looping back around.  It felt good, familiar.  I was reminded almost immediately how great running made me feel, both physically and mentally.  In total, it was 2.5 miles.  Not bad at all.  We went again the next day, this time adding an additional loop to make the route 3 miles total.  I couldn't believe I was running again, just like that.  I promised myself to try to work this back into my schedule at home.  It felt good.

79 : Start a New Tradition

My Grandma had this incredible Christmas card photo album which appeared every year around the holidays and sat on the coffee table.  Even as a youngster I loved flipping through this.  The album contained their family Christmas card from every year, so it was not only a historical reference it was also entertaining to look through.  As someone who was already very into pictures, I loved this idea immediately and knew from a young age I would do it one day.  I started my album with the first holiday card my husband and I sent out the year we got married.  I continued as my children were born, expanding the album over a couple years.  And then my husband left me. And I was left with an incomplete photo album. Yes, I could start over (and I probably would) but it wasn't the same to me.  Among the many emotions I faced, I felt devastated that my traditional family unit was being torn apart.  I had always pictured us all together- building a life together- creating a legacy.  I wanted more than anything to provide a stable, secure and loving environment for my children- even if their parents were no longer together.  One day as I was working through the guilt (see post #74) I began to think about what I could do to show my children how much I loved them. I decided adjust the Christmas card photo album to begin the year my son was born.  This was what our family was now.  That other family was gone.  In addition, I wanted to start a new tradition.  I would start books for both of my boys.  Every year, on their birthday I would write them a letter.  I would recap for them highlights from the year, funny stories and other tidbits of interest.  I would tell them how happy they made me every day and how much I loved them.  I wasn't sure when I would share this with them, but I hoped they would enjoy it as much as I intended for them to.  I couldn't change what was happening with their father and I, but I would do everything in my power to make sure they knew they were loved.

78 : Plan a Divorce Weekend

I was lucky.  I had wonderful friends who loved me and wanted to plan a weekend away to celebrate the start of my new life.  Unfortunately, the timing didn't line up perfectly in that I wasn't actually divorced yet when we had our weekend, but the papers had been signed (see post #76) earlier that week.  Although I knew the weekend would be fun and positive, I felt overly emotional as it drew closer.  While it had gotten easier to accept what was happening over time, I was still sad that I was getting a divorce.  As I expressed this to my friends, I was immediately reassured by one of them:

Hang in there. This is the start of a new life for you. Day one of moving forward to the life you deserve. A lighter happier life with your boys. I can't wait to spend the weekend with you. We are going to purge you this weekend. Get everything out so you emerge stronger and ready to embrace your wonderful life.

We had a great weekend.  We laughed.  We cried.  We drank wine.  We ate nice dinners.  We drank some more wine.  It was the perfect retreat and I could not have asked for better company.  Upon leaving, we did a group hug and promised we would do this again next summer.  And I knew that we would.

77 : Keep Writing

From time to time I found myself overwhelmed just at the thought of keeping up with my blog.  I was a soon to be divorced, single mother working full time and trying to take care of two kids.  On top of that I had committed myself to writing daily as I worked through this life transition and emotional roller coaster.  How in the world would I keep this up?  How much more did I have to say?  But every time, right when I thought I was fresh out of ideas, something came across my way that inspired me.  My kids.  My friends.  My Family.  My colleagues.  Even strangers on the street.  Writing continued to help me process things.  To help me heal.  It made me realize things all too regularly that I should be thankful for.  And I was consistently impressing myself with my ability to do so.  I had written and published 76 posts!  That alone made me feel proud and provided motivation to continue.  I would keep writing.  I may not ever win any awards here, and I may not ever get my book deal (although I was still hoping) but I was healing myself one day at a time.  And for that, I would keep writing.

76 : Sign the Papers

We were nearing the end.  After all the happiness, the pain, the back and forth between each other and attorneys - here were the final divorce papers prepared for me to sign.  I was the first.  They would be sent to him to sign next and after that the process was rumored to be rather quick.  I couldn't help feeling emotional as I read through the final draft and put my signature on the bottom.  This was it.  This was the end of a chapter.  Even though I imagined myself happy again in the future (see post #75), I still felt incredibly sad to be signing my name.  After everything we had been through, I could not believe that things would end this way.  I knew it wasn't my choice, and I knew it wasn't my fault.  But I was still sad.  I allowed myself to cry and reflect on everything one last time (or so I hoped) and then I did my best to let it go.  Something bigger, better and brighter was most certainly ahead.

75 : Imagine the Life You Want

When the word divorce first became a reality for me, I felt destroyed.  I never saw my life playing out this way and it made me sick just to think about it.  I was fortunate to have people around me who provided support through their thoughts, good energy, inspirational articles, prayers, words of wisdom, what have you.  Among all of those, there was one article in particular, that really struck a cord.  It talked about the positive aspects of getting a divorce.  Yes, the word positive as it related to the word divorce.  It talked about the choices that I now had in front me.  It felt odd to think I had any control over the situation because in truth the divorce had never been my choice.  But in reading this article I began to feel differently.  Even the happiest of couples could probably look at each other and acknowledge there was a thing or two that they would want to change in their spouse.  I'm not talking major characteristics (okay, well is some cases, yes) but just minor tweaks here and there.  This was my opportunity to start over and have everything I ever wanted.  It was possible.  I could have it.  I could create whatever life I wanted.  I imagined myself in the future.  I was remarried to a loving, committed, patient, selfless man (alright, if we are being honest here he was also tall, dark, handsome, rich, athletic & had a thick head of hair - come on, why not go for it?) This still may not have been what I ever wanted, but I wasn't powerless.  This was my chance to create all the happiness I wanted and deserved.  I would take it.

74 : Let Go of the Guilt

As mom's, we somehow always seemed to be prone to guilt.  I felt guilty I was not eating healthy enough or working out as much as I should.  I felt guilty I was not keeping up with my friendships better.  I felt guilty I was not delivering enough at work.  And I always felt guilty I was not giving enough to my kids.  As my younger son's first birthday approached, I began to feel very guilty about the plans (or lack there of) for his celebration.  For my first son, we had thrown a party.  It had a theme.  Invitations.  Friends.  Cupcakes.  A smash cake!  We had made a big to do about his first birthday.  And now my youngest was nearing the big 1 mark, and I had very little thought through on how we would celebrate.  So much had transpired in the past year.  I could still visualize the four of us smiling for pictures at the hospital just a year ago as we welcomed the new little guy into our family.  And then within a matter of months, my husband left me.  He moved out.  He filed for divorce.  And our family suddenly was reduced to a unit of 3.  I had already felt I failed in capturing as many pictures of my younger son over his first year. I was told this just happens with number 2, but I still felt bad about it.  And now, his birthday was around the corner and I had decided against having a party.  Instead we would be traveling to visit his grandparents and cousins for a smaller, more intimate celebration.  I was feeling overly emotional one night and broke down on the phone to my mom that this would not be enough.  She reminded me what a good mother I was.  She assured me I had nothing to feel guilty about- that I had provided my son with a warm, happy environment and I had given him all the love in the world.  He didn't need a party when he had me.  He wouldn't even remember a party for that matter.  But he would always know he had a mother who loved him with her whole heart.  I accepted her words and promised myself I would let go of the guilt (at least as far as this subject was concerned).  I was doing the best I could and I would continue to do so.  And if that wasn't enough, hopefully the smash cake would make up for it.

73 : Stop Stewing

It happened from time to time, that people would ask me about my situation.  And sometimes during that conversation an innocent comment would be made (by the other person) that I would analyze, stew over or stay up at night replaying in my head.  It's not like people always knew what to say in these situations.  What I wanted to hear often varied based on my mood that day.  Sometimes I needed reassurance.  Sometimes sympathy.  Sometimes encouragement.  Sometimes I just wanted acknowledgement on how totally sh***y this situation was without the other person trying to make me feel better.  I had a conversation with a guy once, and he said Why did your husband leave?  Were you being a real bitch or something?  Yes, that was a real question - which for the record was not anything I wanted to hear.  Ever.  And no, I wasn't being a real bitch.  Life was just a bitch and I had been dealt a crappy hand.  I also heard comments about perhaps there had been signs or my husband (soon to be ex) wasn't a good dad or a good husband for that matter.  I have to say that even though he had done an awful thing to me and our kids, these comments still bothered me.  I felt they were reflective of me and my choices to be with this person.  He had been a good man up until he wasn't.  Somewhere along the way, he had changed which was the most puzzling thing about all of this.  I didn't like feeling as though I needed to defend myself or his behavior in any way.  I probably shouldn't have cared, but I did.  I reminded myself that ultimately, what was done was done and obsessing over the past wasn't going to change it.  While many of these people meant well when they were talking with me (well, except the one guy above)  they didn't know the intimate details of my marriage.  They didn't know what had really happened, just like I didn't.  I could waste my time rehashing things or I continue to put my energy towards to future.  It wasn't always easy, but I tried for the latter.  I had enough on my plate as it was.  I didn't need the extra stress of revisiting the past.  It was time to put my focus towards better days ahead.

72 : Remember They Are His Family

Upon our initial split, I felt very torn as to how this would impact my relationship with my inlaws. I had grown close with my mother in law over the years- particularly since I had kids. She had a huge heart, she would do anything for me or for anyone in her family for that matter. I know she was devastated to hear her son and I were having problems. I was very blunt with her at first about how upset I was. How confused I was about all of this. How terribly sad I was that HE had made this decision. And she listened. She showed sympathy. She still cared about me and worried about what was happening. But at the end of the day, she was HIS mom. I was hurting so much that I needed to be around people who had my sole best interest at heart. And that wasn’t her. It couldn’t be her. She loved me, and she loved my kids but she would always be his mother. It put a little distance between us (as to be expected). She had always been a wonderful Grandma and I knew she would continue to be in the future. And I wanted to encourage that relationship- both for her sake and for the sake of my kids. But it was different now. Maybe once the dust settled we would be able to find our way again, but it was tough for now. It was hard to continue that relationship without acknowledging how much I was hurting and WHY I was hurting. We both knew, but we couldn’t talk about it anymore. I hoped that we would be able to maintain our relationship moving forward, no matter what happened. Only time would tell.

71 : Spend July 4th at Bill's Lake

I had only been back to work (see post #43) for less than 3 months, when I decided it was time to take a week off.   It was over the 4th of July holiday- our office was already closed 2 days so I planned to take off the whole week. It was the perfect time of year for a little roadtrip to get out of the city. My first stop was to visit my friend Nikki in Detroit for a couple days.  I had stayed with her so many times in the past, it was like just being with family. Our kids got along well- my oldest was very comfortable there which was nice. And then my boys and I made our way to my sister’s cottage on Bill's Lake.  It was amazing how just being away from the city for a few days made such a difference.  We grilled out.  We ate corn on the cob.  We played board games.  We went water skiing.  We watched the kids play with sparklers.  We put together a 1000 piece puzzle.  We made s'mores in the fire pit (which are still delicious at 37!) Spending a week away from the day to day reality of work and life in general was just the break I needed.  I'm not going to say I didn't think about my husband (soon to be ex) at all while I was there because I did.  We had spent a couple summers there over the 4th in the past.  But I didn't really miss him.  I didn't feel sad he wasn't there.  Being away refreshed my perspective.  It reminded me how much I liked my life.  I was happy in my life.  It reminded me how everything that was happening was truly his loss.  I returned to Chicago feeling relaxed and ready to take on whatever came my way.

70 : Sleep In

One of the advantages of getting a divorce was the new sense of freedom I had. Granted, this was not at all what I had wanted in life, but that didn’t stop it from happening. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I tried to enjoy the time to myself (see post #58). I tried to do things I couldn’t do before (see post see post #65). I tried to focus on myself as much as possible and take care of myself whenever I could. I found that one of the things I needed more than anything was rest (see post #34). I was so stressed about everything happening in my life that I had difficulty sleeping most nights. Then I would spend my days in a daze. I did my best to capitalize on the time I had to myself. I napped during the day. I slept in as long as I wanted. One day I actually slept in until 1pm (yes, 1 in the afternoon) which is something I most likely had not done since the 80s. I didn’t realize how run down I had become but my body knew best. I could have survived without that extra rest, but if I had the time I might as well take advantage of it.

69 : Take Off Your Ring

My beautiful ring. I had loved it from my moment it was placed on my finger. Not just because it was a gorgeous diamond (although it was!) but also because of what it represented. I wasn’t the girl who always dreamed of getting married. Certainly I wanted that in life, but I never could quite picture it. And then I met the guy and he proposed and I thought I had my happily ever after. Until now. For a while, I continued to wear my ring. I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or to the world that my marriage was really over. But over time, I began to see the ring itself as a lie. I saw it as a reminder that my marriage had failed. It made me feel bad. I hadn’t planned to officially stop wearing it, but then one day I left the house by accident without it on. I had gone out for the night , and survived without my ring. It was scary and liberating at the same time. I left it off my finger from there on out. What it represented was no longer true. A friend told me there was no right or wrong, but when the time was right, I would know.  And I did.  I may not have liked what was happening in my life, but I reached a pointed where I wanted to be honest with myself and others around me. Our marriage was over. I took the ring off for good. Life would go on.

68 : Get Lost in a Good Book

I could admit it. My literary interests were not very broad. I had one author in which I followed religiously: Elin Hilderbrand. Her books were fiction and all held the common thread of being set in Nantucket. I had lived there for 2 summers in college and felt forever attached to the island. My girlfriends and I all too often reminisced about our time there and remembered those summers to be some of the best of our lives. I had read all of Elin’s books and was always waiting for the next to be released. Reading her books took me away from my own life for a while. Her characters were always so familiar and relatable, I almost felt like I knew them. The books themself wouldn’t help heal my heart, but they did remind me of a happier time in my life. I would get there again. All in due time.

67 : Do Nothing

Just as it says...do nothing.

66 : Write a Letter to Your Ex

I had always been a fan of writing letters.  I found them to be more powerful than an email, text or often even a conversation.  For me, writing was a way to help process it all.    So here I was getting a divorce now and with that came a wide range of feelings. I had gone through every emotion in the book - confusion, anger, sadness, fear, you name it. Emotionally speaking, I felt I had made it to the other side already.  I was no longer wishing to work things out with my husband (soon to be ex).  But there were a lot of things that were still unsettled for me.  Things that had been left unsaid.  I needed some closure.  I worked through my feelings by way of writing a letter to my ex.  I read it, revised it, rewrote it, revised it again. Eventually I captured the perfect synopsis of how I was feeling.  I said everything I wanted to say, and in just the right way.  I knew I had to give it to him- not for his sake but for mine.  I held onto it intently knowing when the time was right, I would pass it on.

• • • • •

Dear Ex,

Last fall I thought I was one of the luckiest people in the world. I had 2 beautiful, healthy boys. I had a devoted, loving husband with a huge heart. Our future was bright. And here we are less than a year later…divorced… I still don’t understand at all what happened.

I will forever miss the man that I married. My husband, partner & best friend. The man who would’ve done anything for me and for his family. The man who would never quit his marriage so quickly or leave his children so easily. I loved that man with my whole heart, and I will be sad for the rest of my life that he is gone.

I look at you now, and I don’t even recognize you. I am no longer sad that we are not together. I feel sad for our boys, because this is never the life I wanted for them. But mostly, I just feel sorry for you. You’ve lost your biggest supporter- the most loyal person you will ever know. And whether you know it now or not, your decisions have permanently altered your relationship with your kids. How terribly sad for you.

I will never forget how you abandoned me. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I only hope that someday you can forgive yourself.

I wish you all the best in your new life.

65 : Order Indian Food and Watch a Girlie Movie

As often as I could, I tried to find the positive in what was happening in my life.  One weekend when the boys were with their dad, I took advantage of the fact that I had the night all to myself.  I stayed in, ordered some indian food and watched a movie my husband (soon to be ex) would never have wanted to watch.  It was very chill and very pleasant.  I felt good that I had the ability to do things I wanted to do, without any sort of compromise.  This still wasn't where I wanted to be, but I would do my best to enjoy it.

64 : Get Out of Your Own Head

The act of getting divorced introduced a lot of change in my life.  I immediately felt the impact emotionally and financially but eventually I began to feel it socially as well.  I was used to being married, which meant in the past we had socialized together.  Not exclusively, but more often than not we did things together.  We would go to dinner or do something with another couple or even just stay home and watch a movie.  Together.  That's what I was used to.  And then my husband left me.  So it was just me.  I was still able to make plans (see post #22).  I had so many friends around me that were there for me, inviting me to do things and offering to help with me kids.  But they were in a different place than I was now.  They were married and enjoyed spending every weekend with their families.  They were where I had been and where I wanted to be again someday.  Instead now, I had every other weekend to myself.  Fortunately, I worked with a great group of girls who were immediately inclusive.  Before life had never allowed much extra time to socialize with them outside of work, but here I was now in a different situation.  Many of them were single too, which meant they had more flexibility to hang out.  I felt fortunate to have these girls around who encouraged me to get out of the house.  And so that's just what I did.  I started going out on the weekends.  It was funny because I had not really been going out regularly on Friday nights in years.  But going out and having some drinks with friends was much more fun than sitting home alone drinking wine on my couch, right?  I was once again hitting the bars on the weekends.  I had even partaken in a cigarette on occasion (see post #47).  Who in the world was I becoming?  I caught myself overanalyzing my choices from time to time, as if I didn't already have enough to worry about in my life. After a couple weekends of going out, I made a self deprecating joke to one of my girlfriends.  Yup, I was 37 and going bar hopping that night. She instantly put in into perspective for me.

Enjoy going out and screw the 37 year old idea that you can't go out and have fun. 

We aren't 67...

Okay, fair enough.  I was going through a major life change after all.  If I wanted or needed to blow off some steam, now was the time.  And it was summer.  I wouldn't maintain this pace forever, but it was fun to indulge myself a little in the meantime.