63 : Listen to The Don

In addition to working through the divorce, I now had to solve the housing problem that had come about. My landlord decided to sell the apartment so I was forced to find a new place to live. I turned to my friend, The Don, for assistance. Everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like this in their circle. You know, it's the person that just gets stuff done. Whether it's free champagne that shows up at the dinner table or getting a limo for the Christmas party- the girl delivered every time. She had moved more than a dozen times in the city and had it down to a science. Trust me, this is someone you wanted on your side at all times.

 So, I locked down some showings and set out with The Don to look at apartments one evening after work. We hit about 6 places, all of which fell short on at least 2 necessary amenities. I had such a great place already- how was I going to top it? Or at least maintain it? It's not like it was just me anymore, I had to find a place that was good enough for my children as well. And in a neighborhood that was kid friendly. My demands of what was required had grown over the past couple years and I couldn't take anything less that what I was used to. I also couldn't pay a ridiculous increase in my rent, either. Single mom. Enough said. So there was the conundrum that I was now in. Our search that night left me feeling very discouraged. What in the world was I going to do. As if my mood hadn't been bleak enough, it began pouring rain as we finished looking at the final place. We were heading home in the showers, and I was feeling more depressed by the minute. Then my friend turned to me and gave me some advice as only The Don could give:

CALL YOUR LANDLORD AND ASK HIM WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO LET YOU STAY THERE. 
EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE.

I agreed it couldn't hurt but didn't want to get my hopes up. The next day I woke up on a mission. I reached out to my management company and told them I needed to speak with my landlord rather urgently. He called me a couple hours later, and without hesitation, I layed it all out there for him. I had lived there for almost 4 years. I had been a good tenant. I just had a baby last summer and my husband had left me and my two kids. I knew it wasn't his problem, but I wanted to know what it would take in order for me to stay. I told him of my impending divorce and how I really REALLY needed to stay put for the time being. He listened attentively and told me he would think it over and give me a decision later that night. I got off the phone feeling semi optimistic. And then he didn't call that night. I tried to tell myself it was because he still was working though everything, but deep down I worried this was not a good sign. The next day I reached out to him again. Voicemail. And then within the hour, I got a call back from him. I COULD STAY!! He was going to raise my rent (and we agreed immediately to a fair amount!) but I didn't have to move. He told me he too had just had a baby, and so my situation got to him. He wished me well in the future and said I could stay one more year but then he would for sure be selling the place. So I had bought myself some time. I took this to be a very positive development in my life and was so very thankful I had listened to The Don. This news gave me the one thing that I needed at that moment more than anything: hope.

62 : Trust Yourself

Over the past several months, I had endured a great deal of change.  My husband left me.  I was in the process of getting a divorce.  I had taken a leave of absence from work (see post #6) and then I had returned (see post #43).  I had no idea what my future looked like and I was just trying to let the universe guide me as to where I should be.  Then I learned my landlord was going to sell my apartment.  I had been doing my best to just take things one day at a time (see post #56) but I was now at a crossroads and had to make a decision.  Would I stay in Chicago?  Would I move back to Michigan? Was this the sign that I had been asking for?  I had been spending every waking minute looking for a new apartment.  I wasn't putting my efforts into finding a new job out of state, I was focusing on finding a place to live.  Here.  In Chicago.  I knew that there were many benefits to being in Michigan and being closer to my family, but everything inside of me was urging me to stay put.  I needed to get through the divorce and minimize the other changes in my life.  I was wanted at my job.  I was needed at my job.  It made me feel good, and that was something I needed in my life at this point.  Not to mention all the wonderful friends I had here who were urging me to stay.  I realized at that moment I didn't need a sign, that my gut was already telling me what to do.  I just needed to trust myself.  I still didn't know what the future held, but I knew that staying in Chicago was where I needed to be right now.  The rest would all come together in due time.

61 : Find the Humor

Over the past several months, I had spent a lot of time debating what I would do in the future.  As I already mentioned, I tried to stay positive and keep myself focused on one day at a time (see post #56).  The unknown was very overwhelming. I considered moving to a new apartment to officially have a fresh start, but decided against it for a number of reasons.  First of all, I didn't want to spend the money to move while I was going through a divorce (see post #32). Second, the fact that my children and nanny were well adjusted to our current neighborhood made me feel like it was best for all of us if we stayed put.  And then one afternoon, I was thrown a curveball.  I learned that my landlord wanted to put my apartment up for sale at the end of my lease.  Upon hearing this news, I psychotically laughed to myself that I could now add "homeless" to my current description.  37 YEAR OLD HOMELESS DIVORCÉ SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO.  Well, why not sign up for Facebook today with a hot profile like that? I knew this wasn't the time to be self deprecating, but what else could I do in this situation other than find the humor?  It was just more material for my book (see post #31).  I would have to deal with this eventually (and I would) but for now I would just have a good laugh.

60 : Change All Your Pictures

There came a day during my LOA (see post #6) that I walked into my house face to face with a framed family picture.  It hurt and disgusted me at the same time to see.  We were no longer a happy family.  I slowly walked around my apartment and took inventory of how many pictures included my husband (soon to be ex).  I had to replace them immediately.  We would always be in each others lives because we had children together.  But I didn't need to see his face every day in my own home.  I went online and had several pictures printed to replace those that were framed.  I spent the afternoon switching out photos.  I knew that he would always be their dad (see post #54) but I also knew that I didn't need to see his face in order to positively encourage that relationship.  Just changing out the pictures felt so good.  It was now MY house, he didn't need to be visible here.  This was a new start.

59 : Reclaim Your Space

During one of my weekends when the boys were with their dad, I began to feel the itch to switch things up a bit.  It was one of those mornings where I was all wired on coffee and had the whole day to myself to do whatever I wanted to do - how often was that?  I started looking around my apartment and decided to make some changes. I went into the den (also known as "nana's room") and started cleaning things out. This led to the closet in the den which housed much of my ex's stuff.  While it had not been my intention to pack his s**t up, I started doing it.  From there I turned the daybed around and moved all the kids toys into the room.  With the daybed blocking the closet there was no possible danger in sight.  Beautiful!  I now had a play room for my boys.  I could leave the french doors open to the room and suddenly my apartment felt bigger.  I continued onto the main room and then into my bedroom.  I moved a couple things around and gathered anything that was his to put into the boxes.  Before I knew it I had almost 6 boxes of his stuff ready to be moved out.  One by one I  carried the boxes out of my apartment and left them under the stairs.  God it felt good to get his stuff out.  After a little more organizing and putting stuff away, I looked around at my "new" place with pride.  I went on my patio, light a cigarette (see post #47) and smiled to myself.  So long Mother F***ker!

58 : Enjoy Time to Yourself

One of the hardest things about getting a divorce was the shift in how I saw my life unfolding.  Ever since I had gotten married I saw myself being married and having a family.  And then my husband left me.  Which now meant every weekend I was either a single mom or I was all alone with no husband or kids for the weekend.  Neither option I liked and I wasn't sure which scenario I dreaded more.  I loved my kids with my whole heart.  They were, however, very challenging and it was difficult to care for them all alone.  I was doing it (and doing it well I might add!) but it didn't mean it was easy.  The alternative was to be without them for the weekend and just the thought of that made me sick.  For various reasons, my husband and I did not start alternating the full weekends right away after we split.  Fortunately for me, the delay in this happening allowed me time to mentally prepare.  In fact, by the time we started rotating our weekends I was ready. I wouldn't say I was happy about it, but I became comfortable with it. I recognized how little time I had to myself and I approached my weekends "off" as an opportunity to take care of myself.  I went to yoga.  I leisurely read my book.  I slept in and then I drank a whole pot of coffee while I watched the Sunday morning show.   I caught up with friends (without constant interruption!). I did miss my kids, but I found that I also enjoyed the time to myself. It wasn't something I ever had wanted, but I could appreciate it.  And having some time to myself, only made me all the more present upon their return.

57 : Stick With Traditions

Growing up, I always loved summer.  Of course it was partly because of the beautiful weather.  And the time off from school.  But it was more than that.  It was the events and traditions of summer that I loved more than anything.  Grilling out.  Going to the beach or the pool.  Watching the sunset.  Getting ice cream.  Getting out of town for the weekend to go to the cottage.  How could you not love summer?  As an adult, I continued to enjoy summertime and as a Chicagoan, I can say there is little that is better than summer in Chicago.  It's almost our reward after surviving the winter here.  Going for a run along the lake path.  Hitting up Wrigley for a cubs game.  Enjoying how late it stays light in the evenings.  Summertime just made everything a little more tolerable.  I mean, let's be honest-Mondays at work were not nearly as rough in June or July as they were in February.  As a single mom now, I wanted to continue some of my childhood traditions with my kids.  I tried to take them for ice cream one sunday evening (only my older son could eat it, my youngest was too small still) but even the simplest of trips were stressful with two little ones.  I know, it's just ice cream, right?  Well, I had both my boys in the stroller (sweating) and we fought the line to get in.  Then the ice cream was dripping - I had to grab napkins - my youngest started freaking out because he too wanted ice cream (SWEATING!) and the entire place was looking at us and I was so fricken hot thought I think I might pass out.  My oldest had ice cream everywhere and his hands were sticky but he didn't care- he was happy as a clam.  I wanted to make this a fun tradition for them as it had been for me, but I worried it would be so different for them.  They just had me.  They had their dad as well, but not at the same time.  It was just me trying to be there for both of them at all times.  I'm sure I was failing one of them by being too focused on the other and I felt sad I couldn't provide for my kids what my parents had provided for me.  I had this perfect visual of my childhood - riding back from my grandparents cottage (most likely in a station wagon) and stopping for ice cream on the way home.  I don't know how many times we did that, but it was just our thing.  I can picture my parents in the front of the car and I smile fondly thinking of us all just happy together.  I'm curious if my parents remember this as peaceful and enjoyable as I do.  I don't remember the fighting with my brother or the teasing of my sister that probably took place the entire car ride.  I just remember us returning from the cottage on Sunday evening and stopping for ice cream.  So, I planned to continue with the summertime traditions for my kids.  It may be different for them than it was for me, but this was all they would ever know.  And hopefully, they would look back someday and remember it all fondly, too.

56 : One Day at a Time

The act of getting a divorce prompted a lot of questions for me.  What was I going to do?  Where would I live?  Would I stay in the city?  Would I stay in the state?  How was I going to do all of this by myself without my family here to help?  How could I ask that much of my friends when they had their own lives to live?  And unfortunately for me, I was forever tied now to my husband (soon to be ex) so his decisions impacted me as well.  Where would he live?  What was he doing professionally?  How would we transport our children back and forth?  What were we going to do as far as the kids were concerned next month?  It was incredibly overwhelming when I stopped to think about it.  So that was just it- I tried as much as I could to just keep moving and NOT think about it.  I learned to focus on what the immediate problem at hand was and keep the other possibilities off my plate.  This was completely opposite from how I was used to functioning.  I was organized.  I had my s**t together.  I was a planner.  I tried where I could to make some plans (see post #22) but there were a lot of things that could not be determined just yet.  This drove me crazy, but I grew better at it over time.  So much so that one day I was in a therapy session (see post #7) and my therapist asked me what my plan was if X happened?  I told her I don't know.  You've trained me not to think about the what ifs and just address the problems that I am actually facing!   She laughed at my response.  Fair enough.  My life was changing so rapidly.  I couldn't solve it all today.  I would just continue taking things one day at a time and when I needed to address the change, then I would.  For now, that was all I could do.

55 : Go Out and Have Your Ex Babysit

I know, I know- it's not babysitting when they are your kids.  Well correction:  When your husband abandons you it IS babysitting when he agrees to come over on a Friday night so you can go out.  My team at work had a summer outing that we planned every year.  We went to the Cubs game and each year an innocent "team building" afternoon turned into a drunken debacle.  It was unexpected the first year, but with every year following there was increased anticipation.  Last year I had actually been pregnant for the outing, and now fast forward a year and I was getting a divorce.  How f**ked up was that?  It was still unbelievable to me.  In any event, the major changes in my personal life, only made me all the more excited to go out with my colleagues this year.  I'm sure my nanny would have been willing to stay late that night, but let's be honest- the last thing I wanted was for my nanny to see me all silly after a day of drinking.  So I decided to do the unthinkable.  I asked my husband (soon to be ex) to help.  Fortunately for me, he was in a good head space at the time and agreed without hassle.  He even encouraged me to have fun and stay out as late as I wanted.  And have fun I certainly would!  I giggled to myself at the thought of coming home at 4am (and with a guy) while my ex lay on my couch.  Of course I was far too logical to do something like that - I had to be a single mom to 2 boys the next day- I needed to be able to function!  (Plus I was 37- who the hell wanted to stay out until 4am anymore?)  But the thought still made me smile.  A little evil yes, but after everything he had put me through I allowed myself to have a couple evil thoughts.  I would go out, have fun and see where the night took me...

54 : He Will Always Be Their Dad

I was giving my boys a bath one night and my older son started splashing water all over like two year olds tend to do.  I gently asked him to stop and when he persisted, I lost my patience and shouted STOP!  It wasn't my proudest parenting moment but it worked and then some.  My son stopped splashing, burst into tears and cried I want daddy.  I'm not going to lie, hearing the words were like a dagger to my heart.  I was the one there everyday and yet he wanted his dad.  I had felt a variety of emotions after my husband left me.  Anger.  Sadness.  Confusion.  Did I mention anger?  It was hard to understand how someone could betray me in such a way, but even more, it was harder to understand how he could do this to his children.  I think that was what bothered me the most throughout this whole thing.  I was the one who was present daily, providing love and emotional support to our kids- it almost seemed unfair that we were both allowed the title parents.  But at the end of the day, my children still adored their dad.  It didn't matter that he didn't live with us anymore or how I personally felt about his choices.  He would always be there dad and I had to accept that.  And I wanted them to have a good relationship with him.  Truly, I did. Not necessarily for his sake...but for theirs.

53 : Spend Time with Your Kids (Part 2)

How many times had I been with my kids but not really been present?  Life was always so busy like that.  We worked to get to the weekend and then on the weekend we were rushing to get it all in before we had to go back to work.  That is often how I felt at least.  I found myself so busy with the day to day tasks that accompanied raising kids that I often lost sight of what was happening right in front of me.  Losing my husband, forced me to adjust this about myself.  I already wrote spend time with your kids (see post #11) but I needed to be reminded to be present in that moment.  I wanted to enjoy whatever it was we were doing at that exact moment.  My children were 2+ years and 6+ months.  Everything about them was changing so quickly, that if I turned around I could miss it.  These amazing little people were changing daily right before my eyes.  I refused to get lost in my grief and miss out on what was happening right in front of me.  I would spend time with them and I would be present in the moment (as much as possible...)

52 : More People Care Than You Know

In times of tragedy, people's true colors come out.  It was amazing to me how many people came to my side.  As expected, family and friends were there for me at all hours.  But it was the other people in my life that really surprised me.  My colleagues were incredibly supportive - and not even just the ones that I was close with.  My dental hygienist offered to babysit anytime (seriously).  Even my cleaning lady was sympathetic.  She told me she'd charge me less and let me know she was available whenever I needed her.  It was my nanny, though, that truly went above and beyond.  She was pretty much the best nanny I could ever hope for (and I felt that way before any of this happened).  She always went that extra mile for me and for my kids.  I didn't tell her what was happening with my marriage at first because 1) I didn't want her to worry about her job security and 2) I knew she cared about my kids almost as much as I did so I didn't want her to worry about them.  When it reached a point that I couldn't keep this from her any longer, I sat down with her and told her what was going on.  She reacted in a more supportive way than I ever could've imagined.  She told me she loved my boys as her own, they were her priority and we could count on her no matter what.  I had trusted her and appreciated her before but now I truly adored her. She continued to be there for my children and even stepped in to help me out any way possible.  She did my laundry.  She brought me milk in the morning when I was running low.  She even washed my sheets and made my bed for me once (and do you know how awesome that was  to come to that after a long day at work?)  Seeing this outpour of love and generosity reminded me how inherently good people really could be.  I knew I had a large support network, but this was far more than I ever could've imagined.  I was loved and cared for by many many people.  I would be okay.

51 : Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

My older son had always been an excellent sleeper.  When he was a baby, we were very strict with our sleep training and respected his sleep schedule above and beyond all else.   He'd go to bed around 7 at night and within 5 minutes he was out.  It was pretty incredible, actually and I felt fortunate for this.  We sleep trained our younger son as well, but were not quite as rigid (second child:).  Luckily for me, he too was a great sleeper.  A few months after my husband moved out though, I began to have some problems with my older son sleeping.  I'm sure it was probably just his age and not anything to do with my husband leaving, but regardless it didn't make things any easier for me.  I was already having problems sleeping myself (see post #34) so to add a tired two year old to the mix, only made it worse.  It started with him climbing out of his crib.  First it was once or twice when I put him to bed.  Then is turned into all hours of the night.  He had mastered it quickly, so I wasn't so much concerned about his safety as I was annoyed that my sleep was now being disrupted. He'd hop out of the crib with ease and come get in my bed. I'd carry him back but it would cause a fight- kicking, screaming and crying so I conceded for fear it would wake my younger son.  I tried switching him to a big boy bed, thinking this might help.  And it did, for one night.  But then we were right back to him climbing out and coming into my room.  I tried stickers.  Candy.  Ice cream.  Any sort of bribery I could think of.  All of which were effective for that immediate moment, but didn't seem to provide long term relief.  And then one morning I woke up to see my adorable little boy sound asleep next to me, looking like an angel.  Why was this stressing me out?  What was the big deal if he came and got in bed with me?  He went right back to sleep.  Sometimes he even cuddled with me.  I mostly wanted to correct this problem because I wanted to know that he could stay in his own bed.  But deep down, I actually liked having him by me.  I had been sleeping next to someone for the last 6 years, so it was kind of nice to have him there.  It's not like it would be forever.  I decided to quit worrying about it and just enjoy it while it lasted, however long that would be.

50 : Get a New Scent

My parents were in town visiting one weekend and my dad offered to run some errands for me.  I already had my Target list ready to go, and while I felt bad sending my dad to Target on a Saturday- he offered so I took him up on it.  I was a single mom now after all, and I needed to take advantage of the help when I had it.  Off my dad went to buy me some deodorant, body wash and diapers among other things.  He with returned with all the items I needed plus two bottles of wine (good dad!).  As I was putting my stuff away I noticed that while he purchased the brands that I told him to buy, he had gotten some different varieties than what I typically used.  It's crazy how such a small thing like that can make a difference.  As I got ready later that day, I couldn't believe how good it felt just to use a new product.  I was different now, I might as well smell different.  I wasn't sure if my husband would even recognize this and I certainly wasn't doing it for that purpose, but it felt good to make that small change.  There was something about me now that he no longer knew and I liked that. Things were different now.  I was different.  I was ready to start my next chapter.

49 : Be The Bigger Person

Mother's day came and went without much acknowledgement from my husband (soon to be ex) this year.  Of course my nanny got me a present and card from my boys (she was so good to me!)  but from my husband (soon to be ex), I only received a text message wishing me a nice day.  In the past, he had always been incredibly thoughtful for special days.  And then he left me.  I truly didn't expect anything from him this year.  And I wasn't even disappointed when I received nothing.  It wasn't until someone else expressed to me how mad they were about it, that made me realize how wrong it was.  It had nothing to do with him or with me.  It was about our kids and teaching them what Mother's Day meant and why it was special.  I wasn't angry (honestly) and I wouldn't hold a grudge.  Instead, I vowed to do something nice for him on Father's Day.  Not because I thought he deserved it, but because because my kids did.  I pondered over gift ideas for several weeks in search of the right item.  It didn't need to be big or expensive.  I just wanted to do something thoughtful for him from our kids.  And then with the help of a friend, the right idea came to me.  I filmed a conversation with my 2 year old, asking him questions about his dad.  It was beyond adorable.  I watched it myself almost 20 times the days leading up to Father's Day.  I would send it the morning of.  That was it.  That was our gift.  Just something small, thoughtful and more valuable than any present would ever be.  I could've been bitter and I could've just done nothing for him.  But being the bigger person just felt so much better.  That's what my kids deserved, so that is what I would be.

48 : Surround Yourself With People that Make You Feel Good

I was at a baby shower a few months ago and caught up with an old friend from college.  She was very sad to hear of my situation and offered reassurance and support immediately.  She invited me to come visit her sometime.  She said she would spoil me.  The kids could play.  We could relax and enjoy our wine.  I must admit, it sounded appealing.  She lived a couple hours away, but surprisingly I had never been there to visit.  So we sorted through our busy schedules and got a weekend on the books.  Fast forward a couple months - we finally made the trip and could not have had a better time.  She was right- she and her husband did spoil us.  My oldest son was in heaven with the new toys, big back yard and nice new friends.  My youngest son, well, he was content anywhere:)  My friend and I did just as she promised- we relaxed, enjoyed our wine, had a delicious dinner and caught up.  It was perfect.  Being in another city, she was somewhat removed from things, so she offered a fresh perspective for me.  It's not that I needed to solve things anymore, but I appreciated the encouragement.  More importantly though, I loved witnessing her in her element.  We had been close in college- those crazy days when it's all about fun.  We continued to be friends as adults and married women- her husband a good guy, mine as well (or so I thought).  But seeing someone at the occasional wedding or holiday party was not the same thing as entering their home for the weekend.  I got to see closely what her world was like.  How she was as a mother.  How she and her husband interacted.  A little slice of their life.  And from my perspective, it looked very pleasant.   They were happy.  They were good parents.  They had a solid marriage and they respected each other.  They made their family a priority. It was encouraging for me to see.  It's not that I don't typically hang out with people that have good marriages or are great parents- but this was just yet another great example for me.  Being there helped remind me how easy and enjoyable life should be.  And how I had the power to create this for myself as I started over.  I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad or thinking about what had happened.  It was over.  I just wanted to focus on that good positive feeling I got being around this happy, healthy couple.  I could have that in the future.  I would make sure I had that.

47 : Smoke a Cig

I know, I know- mother of the year right here.  To date I've posted get really REALLY drunk (see post #5),  pop pills (see post #13 AND #34) and now I say smoke a cigarette?  What kind of mother am I?  A damn good one, thank you very much.  But I'm still human and I'm not perfect.  This blog is a true account of my hurting and healing process, which unfortunately (for my mom) means it wasn't rainbows and unicorns every day.  As much as I pushed myself to stay positive and focus on the good, I had my moments of weakness.  And when I did, on occasion I sought refuge by way of a cigarette.  Come on, don't judge me- it's not like I was doing meth or snorting lines in the family room (for the record, neither of which I know anything about- seriously!)  But I did find myself every once and a great while, feeling the need for a little taste of something that I knew was not good for me- and for me that was a cigarette.  I immediately felt sick (physically) and disgusted with myself (mentally) after doing so, but I still did it.  I'm wasn't  proud- and I certainly wasn't going to make this a regular habit by any means, but every now and then...when needed...well, you get it.  I'd like to think I had held myself together pretty well so far, if this was my one vice, then so be it.

46 : Do Some Spring Cleaning

Over the course of my marriage, I had collected a thing or two.  My husband often teased me of not be sentimental, but he was wrong there- I held onto things that mattered most to me.  Like cards.  I have several cards from him.  Our anniversary.  My birthday.  Mothers day.  I kept these things tucked in my bedside table drawer so I could reference them easily.  He had always been extremely thoughtful about those days...until he decided to leave me.  Then suddenly I had a pile of cards that did nothing but cause me extreme pain and self doubt every time I saw them.  These were once cherished memories.  What was I to do with them?  I opened my drawer in an unassuming manner one day and saw the collection of cards starring back at me.  I couldn't handle the site of them.  Call it spring cleaning, call it downsizing, what have you- I needed to be rid of these. I couldn't move forward holding onto a past life that no longer existed.  Our relationship was beyond the point of redemption and knowing this I tossed the cards in the garbage.  I instantly felt lighter.   I had enough on my plate, I didn't need to be reminded of what once was.  I would continue to put my energy towards the future- whatever that held.

45 : Listen to Yacht Rock

This post is either going to gain me some fans or really turn people away - I guess I don't have that many followers though, so hopefully the damage won't be too bad.  It's a simple suggestion, one in which I've lived by.  Life is just better when you listen to the Yacht Rock Station on Pandora. Megs introduced me a while ago and I was instantly a fan.  How can you be down in any way when that's on?  For me, the smooth sounds of Steely Dan, America and Toto take me back to summers in college when I was working on Nantucket.  Life didn't get much better than that.  And even though it's been almost 16 years since those days- I can be easily transformed back.  I love it. So when all else fails, just pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy the sounds of Yacht Rock.  You heard it here first!

44 : Things Will Get Better

Everything about getting a divorce is stressful.  Everything.  The shock of initially finding out. The pain that comes along with that.  The fear about what your future holds.  And then of course the legal action that needs to take place.  For me, things got the most stressful once my husband and I engaged attorneys.  For the most part, we had agreed pretty early on as to how we wanted to settle things.  But enter legal counsel and suddenly things got a little more complicated.  They were only trying to do their job- his lawyer trying to protect him, mine trying to protect me.  But still, it made things all the more real and intense and stressful.  I'm sure to the legal eye, this was an easy, text book divorce case.  But to me this wasn't just any divorce.  This was my divorce!  I reached my breaking point one evening as I read through the draft of our settlement agreement.  This was what our relationship had been reduced to - dissecting line items on a legal document.  This was not who we were.  This was not how we started.  I still didn't even understand how we had gotten here (although I had stopped trying to understand (see post #36).  The whole process was...well...draining.  I don't know that I could find a better word for it.  It was just emotionally draining.  The next day I ran into a friend at work.  Without saying anything she could tell that something was wrong and pulled me aside.  Fortunately for me, she had also been through a divorce and was able to provide me the perspective I needed right then.

This is the hardest part right now, where you are.  I promise it gets so much better.

I knew she was right.  Things had already gotten better.  I was no longer hoping to work things out with my husband.  I had accepted this was the course we were going to take.  I had even grown stronger with knowing all of this.  I still didn't know where my life was headed, but I knew she was right.  Things could only get better from here.

43 : Go Back to Work

Well it had been about 2 months that I was off of work (see post #6) before I began to feel I was ready to return.  Yes, there was a part of me that had grown accustomed to going to yoga daily (see post #9), hanging out in coffee shops drinking whole milk lattes (see post #12) and working away on my book (see post #31).  But in truth, I knew there was a part of me that was just avoiding having to face my colleagues and explain to them what had happened.  As I mentioned previously, my boss had been extremely supportive (see post #23) .  She kept my situation quiet out of respect for my privacy.  I was nervous that this would cause even more speculation upon my return, but I also appreciated it because I didn't want to have to share the very private details of my life with a slew of coworkers.  The lines could sometimes be blurry and just because I had good relationships at work, didn't mean I wanted to talk about my life there.  I went back to my primary care physician and she suggested it was time for me to return.  I couldn't deny it- I had already sincerely appreciated the time off.  I prepared myself mentally for the big return in 2 weeks.  Going back was absolutely the right thing to do.  People didn't care why I had been out.  (I mean, I'm sure they were curious) but they didn't ask.  What they did do was express to me repeatedly how much I was missed.  How valuable I was to the team.  How happy they were to see me back.  How much better things would be now that I was there again.  Before all of this had happened, my life outside of work was my everything and my job was just...well, my job. It's crazy how life works sometime.  These people embraced me upon my return.  I knew then that my decision to return had been the right one.  Being back at work where I was respected and needed made me feel all the better in my personal life, too.  I never knew that my job would mean so much to me.  But it did. And it was good to be back.

42 : Give Out Your Number

I was out with a friend the other Saturday night enjoying a few adult beverages.  It was one of those randomly fun nights- not that my friend wasn't fun (that's not at all what I meant!) but it was one of those nights where you have no expectation and it turns out to be a really fun night.  Those are the best.  Like the happy hour after work that suddenly goes on until 11 at night because you are having such a good time.  Well, let's be honest, I hadn't had one of those in years.  And then suddenly I was in a situation where I had the freedom to do things on the weekend.  My kids were with their dad.  It was still a weird thought, but I had been doing my best to make the most of it.  So back to that night.  We were out having fun and met a couple guys.  Not sure how we even started talking with them, but we did.  I needed to practice my flirting abilities- it was innocent enough but I had been out of the mix for nearly 6 years.  We continued drinking and talking for maybe another hour after meeting- did I mention it was late, too?  It came to my attention that I was probably reaching a point were I had been over served (Pretty sure I asked the guy where he lived in the city 3 times and the thought of karaoke was becoming attractive which is the OFFICIAL sign I need to be cut off.  In my old age, I've learned to identify these things slowly but surely.)  So I thanked everyone for a fun night and declared it was time for me to head home.  Before I left, the guy I was talking to asked me for my number (This is slightly hilarious to me as I've already mentioned that I asked him where he lived 3 times!)  It was funny, I had been out of it so long, it hadn't even occurred to me that he might want my number.  Why the hell not?  I gave him my number and marched off to the cab.  I heard from him a couple times over the next week.  These kids and the texting nowadays.  It fizzled before it even started, which wasn't a surprise.  The guy was almost 9 years my junior.  Not bad for this old gal though...not bad.

41 : Be Honest With Yourself About What You Want

I've never been the type of girl to hop from relationship to relationship.  I've probably always been way too preoccupied with my girlfriends to care all that much.  I mean, I've had boyfriends.  But I have definitely spent a good chunk of time being single as well.  If you asked my parents, they might even say at one point they wondered if I would ever meet someone and get married.  Well I did.  And if you've been following me at all, then you know what happened there.  As I worked through the different emotions associated with my divorce, one of the first things I recognized was that I didn't want to be alone.  It's not that I couldn't be alone- it was that I didn't want to be alone. I had spent a big part of my 20's being single and determining what I wanted in life.  And for a short time, I had it.  I had a wonderful husband.  I had two great kids.  We were a family.  I had always wanted a family.  I had wanted a family with my husband and just because he changed, didn't mean that I changed.  I had loved my husband very much and never wanted things to end this way.  But despite that, I still wanted all the things I wanted before.  A partner.  A best friend.  A husband to complete our family.  At first, I felt hesitant to express that.  I felt guilty.  I had loved my husband so much that I wanted to find someone else?  I worried about how that sounded.  But then I realized, what had happened here was completely out of my control.  I didn't need to feel bad about wanting what I wanted.  I deserved to be happy and I couldn't let my fear of judgement hold me back from having that.   Anyone who didn't understand, well, that would be their problem.  Was I ready to meet someone else?  I wasn't sure.  But I knew it was what I wanted.  I didn't need time to find myself or figure out what I wanted in life.  I already knew.  Now how to get there...that was a completely different story.  I made a mental note that I would have to set aside some time with my therapist to talk through that.  One day at a time.

40 : Know You are an Inspiration

Growing up, my sister and I were probably not as close as we could've been. I can attribute it to a number of things- we always attended different schools - our age (grade) difference was just enough that we were in different places at different times. And okay fine- I was probably way too self absorbed as a youngster to think about what my sister was up to or needed. Of course that changed as we both grew up and entered adulthood. We still went down different paths in life- my sister married in her early 20's- I didn't get married until my early 30's. We never lived in the same city, either. But as women, we discovered we had a lot more in common that we ever had known growing up. We were both highly creative. We both enjoyed cooking. We both attempted to maintain a healthy lifestyle and alternated years when one would push the other to eat well or go for a run. (she was in far better running condition than me as of late). Motherhood had been very flattering for my sister. She was extremely laid back and made it look effortless. And the woman was a doctor, too- so I'm not sure how she did it all. I often looked at my sister and wished I could be more like her- easy going, relaxed, take life as it comes to you. I was far more uptight and was annoyed with myself about it, but what can you do?

The other weekend my sister came into town to see me. Prior to her arrival, we talked on the phone to plan her visit. She wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I felt bad, she didn't have to do that. Of course my sister insisted. She was a hard worker, successful and incredibly generous. She told me to pick a place that I had been wanting to try and she would treat me. (She was my sister after all - she knew what I wanted!) So I gave in. I knew she wouldn't have offered had she not wanted to do it. We had a wonderful dinner. The food and drinks were delicious, but the company was the best part. We talked about how I was handling everything going on in my world. She was encouraging and supportive as expected. I asked her if she had been keeping up with my blog (I knew she probably hadn't- again, the woman is a doctor and very busy!) and she admitted she hadn't as of late, but vowed to check it out again. The rest of the weekend was really fun. It wasn't that often that we were able to spend time together- just the two of us- no kids or husband around. It was really nice. A couple days after the weekend, I received a note from my sister:

Loving your blog- hope it is really helping to heal your heart.
Know this too... Even on your dark days, you are still an inspiration to me. You've always had such poise and confidence, and even now, you seem to handle each day with grace. You persevere. And you will continue to.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Right?
So proud that you are my sister.
Thanks for helping me. You convinced me to do the run- (you can always convince me to do or not do things)...but I might otherwise have skipped it. Keep convincing yourself to go on too.

I teared up as I read it. To think I was an inspiration to anyone right now, let alone my sister was beyond flattering.  It was just what I needed to hear at that particular moment. I would keep going on.

39 : Practice Patience

As my husband and I moved closer to divorce, our interactions became more stressful.  There were a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, I’m sure, but yet we still had to communicate for the sake of our kids.  In the beginning, this was incredibly difficult.  Our conversations were tense, often heated.  I dreaded seeing this person that I previously had loved because I never knew what to expect.  But I still had to have some sort of relationship with him because we would forever share our two sons.  How does one do this?  As time went on, I learned a few ways to navigate the situation.  Just as in dealing with my two year old- I learned that if I got worked up, visibly frustrated or even angry my Ex would get more mad, louder and often mean.  If I exercised restraint, and remained calm then our interaction seemed to have a more positive outcome.  That is not to say that every discussion was easy or pleasant, but I found that my approach influenced the outcome.  As difficult as it was, I bit my tongue.  I tried my best to be agreeable, pleasant.  I would call my mom afterwards and say all the things I could not say to his face – but I exercised restraint in from of him.  Now I was never dishonest, or untrue to myself (or to him for that matter) but I certainly held myself back at time.   And it helped.

Serentiy Now...

38 : Remind Yourself You are Only Human

Shortly after all this mess with my marriage happened, my brother called with some news. Some BIG news. He and his wife were expecting their first child. I had never been sure whether or not they would have kids. I always said (when asked) I wouldn’t be surprised either way. But I certainly wasn’t expecting the call that day.  I was excited for my brother. Of course I was. He and his wife were great people who would no doubt make wonderful, loving parents. And as a mother myself, surely I could appreciate how exciting this time was for them. Yet at the same time, the news almost immediately made me feel sad –like I got the wind knocked out of me. Hearing someone else’s joyous news only made me feel worse about what was happening in my own life. They were moving forward and I was going backwards –or in the very least- I was stuck. I’m ashamed to admit it, but that’s how I felt. I reacted appropriately to the news- I did not want my brother to be offended. I was truly happy for them and they deserved this. A few days later, I broke down to a friend and who immediately validated my feelings.

Of course hearing that news would make you sad. You’re only human.

It was true. I was only human. I was going through probably the most difficult time in my life. It was okay to be sad. I acknowledged this myself and then I let it go.  I wouldn't become that person.

37 : Note Your Progress

I had a horrible dream the other night. While the specifics are a little foggy as they tend to be in dreams, I woke up with that sick feeling in my stomach. I was back to the earliest phases of my marriage ending when my husband first told me he was unhappy. Though it was just a dream, I woke up in a panic. I suddenly realized it was just a dream. Yes, my marriage was still ending. Yes, the divorce was inevitable. But I had moved forward. Enough time had passed and I was actually comfortable knowing what was ahead (as far as my marriage was concerned). A few months ago, I never thought I’d wake up from a dream only to be relieved to know I was getting divorced. But here I was. And it felt good.

36 : Stop Trying to Understand

Too often, I was taken back to the night that my husband first expressed to me he was unhappy. It had been such a shock. Almost like the flip of a switch. It was a Sunday evening and I had started making dinner. I think it was a simple meal, too- green beans and chicken maybe? I remember I had just poured the olive oil in the pan on the stove and I looked over and saw my husband somewhat hunched over the counter. Something was wrong. I asked him what it was and he responded I’M NOT HAPPY. That was the phrase that changed my life. I instantly felt sick but still did not thoroughly understand what he was referring to. He had never been a big fan of green beans- was it this dinner? Was he stressed about work? Was he just in a bad mood at that moment? No, it was none of those. It was me. He was unhappy with me. It was nearly impossible to comprehend. I’m not going to say that our marriage was without flaw- I don’t believe any married person could look you in the eyes and honestly say that. But we were partners. We were in it together. We were a team. And then suddenly we weren’t. The months that followed left confusion, unanswered questions and introduced conspiracy theories. Is there someone else? Do you think he met someone else? He must’ve met someone else. To this day, I cannot confirm or deny with certainty whether there was (is) someone else but in my heart of hearts I do not believe that was the cause of this. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t care. I mean that- I really don’t care. The fact was he didn’t want me anymore. What else was there to say? I spent a lot of time dissecting our conversations in my head trying to understand what in the world had happened? This man had once loved me. He had adored me. He was in it forever. How could this change? I had started going to therapy (see post #7) and spent many sessions discussing this with my therapist.  And then one day my therapist said:

You may never understand.

The words were terrifying. How could I get on with my life if I still couldn’t understand what had happened here? I needed a way to process this in order to move on.  But as time passed, I started to realize that she was right. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I would never understand. I needed to stop trying to understand. Of course it was easier said than done, but I coached myself on this from time to time. I needed to put my energy into other things rather than trying to make sense of it all.  It would never make sense.  All that mattered was in the end, I would be okay. I would be okay.

35 : Tackle the To Do List

In the beginning, it was all about just getting through the day (see post #2).  As time went on though, I began to realize this would not be solved overnight.  While at some points I was at my wits end craving time to myself- at other points, I found myself alone with all the time in the world.  There was so much that was out of my control.  My husband's choices.  The legal process.  What our calendar looked like for the next several months or year for that matter.  I decided to put my focus on things I could control.  I dusted off that long To Do List - (you know, the back burner To Do list.  The list of things that sit on there for weeks, a month or maybe longer) and prepared myself to take action.  Clean out closet/dressers.  Get caught up on photo albums.  Clean out kids closet/dressers.  Organize file cabinet/bills/paperwork.  Drop off clothes to salvation army.  These were the less fun, but necessary tasks that had been set aside, put off and just delayed because, well, they could be.  Well not anymore.  If I had this time on my hands, and I couldn't fix my life that quickly, I might as well find another way to be productive.  I began tackling these dreaded tasks (and being the sick person I am- I added even more to it!)  I loved the pleasure I got in accomplishing things on my list.  It gave me a sense of satisfaction.  It helped me to focus on something other than just my problems at the moment.  It helped to pass time. This was not the path I ever saw my life taking, but if I was stuck here I might as well take advantage of it.  And that was just what I did.

34 : Rest

Well this must seem like one of more obvious posts: REST.  But I've found as I've gotten older, it's become increasingly more difficult to get a good nights sleep.  Yes, I have little kids.  But that's not it.  It's just life.  Stress.  Even before I had problems in my marriage, sleeping was tough.  I could usually fall asleep, but staying asleep was another story.  I had always been a worrier, so it wasn't all that surprising it affected my sleep.  I'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work...my kids...paying for college...the thoughts that creep into your head in the wee hours of the night.  I remember once I worried half the night about what would happen if one of my kids choked.  Had this happened?  No.  But I lost sleep over the possibility of it happening.  You can try to tell yourself to shut your mind off, but it doesn't seem to listen at those hours.  In the light of day, things always seem so much better but it's tough at night.  And now I was facing a divorce.  If there was ever a time to lay awake in bed and worry, it was now.  Yet I still had to function.  I had to pay bills.  I had to send birthday cards.  I had to prepare meals.  I had to take care of my kids.  I had to take care of myself.  I needed to sleep.  I had some chill pills from my doctor (see post #13) but they were almost too strong.  They knocked me out and left me with that horrible hangover feeling the next day which created this vicious cycle of uppers and downers each day.  CAFFEINE all day!  CHILL PILLS at night!  Not good.  I found that going to yoga (see post #9) helped, but didn't cure my insomnia entirely.  My nanny offered a relaxation tea which was incredibly sweet of her but it was of little help to me after sampling the chill pills.  I decided to try Unisom.  It's sold over the counter and had been suggested to me in the past - actually, when I was pregnant of all times! (Note: I'm no medical expert, but B6 and half a Unisom are supposed to help with nausea.)  I already had some in stock, so I quickly got reacquainted.  The entire pill was too much.  It too left me with that next day sleepy, hangover feeling.  But just a little nibble- a quarter to a half dose (depending) was just the extra help I needed to get a sound night's sleep.  And the sleep helped immensely.  Even in my darkest hour, things looked a little brighter after a good night's rest.